Hello God. Hello… are you there? I can hear you breathing. Anyway, I would just like to ask you a few questions. It seems that lately, I have been beset by a few problems and I was wondering if…
Beeeeeep “Hello, you have reached the hotline to G.O.D. The Almighty is currently unavailable right now, but if you leave your name and number, he’ll get back to you as soon as he can.”
“God, can you please pick up?”
“Please listen carefully to the following options.”
“I know you’re there, I can hear Eastenders playing in the background.”
“For English, please press one…”
“And I know for a fact that you don’t even have a sodding answer machine!”
“For Hebrew, please press two…”
“Seriously, this is why I have no faith in you anymore.”
“If you’re calling about plague and pestilence, please press 3…”
“I got your plague and pestilence right here buddy.”
“If you’re calling about the rivers of Babylon turning red…again, please press 4…”
“Well now that you’ve mentioned it, my periods are kinda heavy.”
“Eww! TMI! Gross. If you’re…”
“Will you cut that out! I know it’s you and not some stupid answering machine!”
“…calling about The Four Horseman of the apocalypse, please press 5.”
“Okay, you’re an arse, you do know that don’t you? Jesus Christ!”
*Now folks, let me just take the time out to explain that regularly readers, will instantly know that the moment I begin to take a Saint’s name in vain, (in posts such as these) said Saint usually makes a prompt appearance. For example, if I say “oh for Pete’s sake…”*
“Yo Lily? Wassup?”
*That happens*. “Nothing Saint Peter. I was just explaining to the readers what happens every time I blaspheme.”
“Oh okay. Gotcha.”
*So when I said ‘Jesus Christ’, I was expecting the very man himself to make an appearance. Instead, this guy shows up. Anyway, on with the story*
“Er, Hi.”
“You’re not Jesus. Where’s Jesus?”
“Um…well he’s kinda busy right now. I’m sort of like a stand-in. You know, for when he can’t be around.
“For when he can’t be around?!! He’s omnipresent for Pete’s sake!!”
“Yo, how’s it hangin?”
“Sorry Pete. Didn’t mean to blaspheme that time.”
“No problem babes. Catch ya later.”
“So come on then. Where is he? What is SO important that the Son Of God cannot take the time to pop up when I call his name in vain?”
“Well that was surreal.”
“Whatevs Lil. Can we hurry it up, Eastenders is almost finished. For all other inquiries, please press 6.”
“If you want to be ignored by the heavenly father, please press 7.”
“Took you long enough to get the hint. If you make a mistake, press star and start again.”
“Aww come on G, this is serious. I really need to talk to you.”
(Beeeeeep) “שלום, שהגעת לקו החם לG.O.D…”
“Oh no! You are NOT started all that crap up again in Hebrew?! That’s it! I’m done!! I’m off to worship Satan. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself for me turning to the Dark One”. *Dials Satan’s number. Yeah, he’s on speed-dial.* “Hey Luci, it’s Lily. Look, I need some advice.”
*Beeeeeep* “Hola usted ha llegado a la línea directa de Satanás. de Inglés, por favor, pulse uno …”
“Bastards.”
~Lily
The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose 
That’s the trouble with immortals, bastards have no sense of urgency.
Thank you for the first laughs of the day!
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For real Frank! I’m gonna go and follow the Nordic religion of old. Although offering up your first born is a criminal act…supposedly. Stupid PC brigade!
You’re most welcome. 🙂
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This is why I stick with the rather easier world of the Micro God, there are lots of them and they are often found in the local Tesco Express, Spar or Co-op. And although they are rather specialised Gods dealing with single issues such as. . . . how come I cant reach my shoe laces any more, I mean I’m not overweight and my arms and legs are the same length as they use to be, so what going on. . . usually followed by a small chant to the wise wood pigeon or similar. . . . They are never too busy to help. Yes OK sometimes there are charges such as an Ox or an enchanted lottery ticket, but lets face it most religions want their pound of flesh and it is much easier to get it at the local Spar.
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Every time I go to Tesco or Spar, they’re always out of Micro-Gods. You have to get there really earlier to get the good ones, because of you go too late, you always end up with the less then useful ones. They had two Micro-Gods for the price of three the other day. I’m gutted I missed out.
Ooh, Ry Cooder!
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You silly girl. Obviously, you called the Big Guy on his cell phone. Gotta call him on the red hot house phone, indicating a higher degree of urgency. 🙂 With the election cycle starting up in the U.S. again, his cell has probably been spammed by all sorts of right wing robo-calls, so his patience for all of the annoying interruptions may be getting a little short. (MINE sure is.)
Another fun post, you blasphemer you.
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Susan, I thought that I had a direct hotline to the Big Man…oh no…that was to Batman. Damn, I gotta stop mixing those two up!
Didn’t Bush once say that he was doing God’s work? Maybe they were out shooting moose or something.
Hahaha! I’m taking blasphemer as a compliment. For a while, I thought it was my actual name because everyone I met, kept calling me one.
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You just can’t get the deities these days. Omnipotence ain’t what it used to be.
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Ain’t that right. I think these deities are getting a little to big for their boots. Okay, so he’s got more followers than Stephen Fry on Twitter, but what’s a woman got to do to speak to the almighty?
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perhaps you need to take a page out of Batman and do the whole batman lamp thingie. Although these days if you shone a light in the sky, you are more than likely to blind a pilot. Okay scrap that idea…
Try Hindu…at least they have multiple arms and would be great on a telephone exchange
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Now if Kick-ass Jesus had answered my call, shit would have got done!
I’m gonna go and blind me some pilots…with my dazzling beauty.
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I just take my top off.. that blinds a lot of people
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Oh…where am I going wrong then? When I take my top off, people usually vomit…violently.
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surely not..try a new bra!
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Oh…you meant I had to put a bra on BEFORE I took off my top! Might explain the violent reactions.
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one must let the tatas out every once in a while.. mine was out last night with a topless streak in the moonlight.. the things we do for the amusement of others
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So many fine things with this one: “Eastenders playing in the background”, “for Hebrew, please press two”, “Kick-ass JESUS”, the Hotline to Hell in Spanish, Joanna Lumley being annoyed that her tryst with The Big Guy has been interrupted before she hit The Big O. My belly is full from such a tasty repast. Or maybe it’s just gas. As Susan pointed out above, the election cycle has started here in the Ungrateful Former Colonies, and the mindless blather spewing from the Right results in a lot of intestinal disturbance. I wonder if any of the Tesco Micro-Gods require regular sacrificial offerings of idiot sheep? Hmm. I better google this…
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Wow, even your comments are majestic.
Aww thank you my internet love. An injection of FAR too much caffeine, was responsible for Kick-Ass Jesus and a smidgeon of devilry was responsible for Satan trying to hoodwink me in Spanish…do people still say hoodwink? Did people EVER say hoodwink? How does a hood even wink? Unless we’re talking about street hoods, then I suppose that it is humanly possible…unless he only has one eye. But if he closes that one eye for a second, would that be considered a wink? Oh Lord, I need to sleep!
I’ll have to ask Mr Z about the sacrificial needs of the Micro-Gods, seeing as they are his creations. As for the elections, TRUMP TO WIN! Sorry…looks like a smidgeon of devilry hit me again.
Heehee, Joanna Lumley is far too posh for the Big Man.
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My apologies to Ms. Lumley. I don’t know what I was thinking, perhaps it was the sugar rush from a slice of buttermilk chess pie. But speaking of food for thought: “A Smidgen of Devilry” might be a perfect title for your autobiography, hmm?
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I think ‘The Day Satan Too My Soul. A Mother’s Journey Into Hell!’ Would be a better title for my bio.
Ms Lumley would be better suited to the Dark Lord…
Ms L- ‘Oh Luci Darling, no more lost souls sweetie, they’re rather cluttering up the place’.
Lucifer- ‘Anything you say, Goddess of refinement and upstanding breeding.’
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Good Grief woman! You have a direct line to that God geezer, his son and the Head Doorman of The Pearly Gates night club in Basildon (been there. It’s a dump and all they ever play is “Angels” by that Bobbie Williams bloke) plus The Dark One himself on speed dial AND still you’re not happy! Now look what you’ve done. As a punishment, Monkey Boys Monkey has disappeared! How could you?
Personally, I follow the Crocodile Dundee philosophy if I have a serious problem and tell all my mates. They take the piss mercilessly and the problem disappears in embarrassment. Either that or I go hide in the toilet.
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Mr D, I’m a woman. I’m NEVER happy.
Anyway, these deities are all typical blokes. Whenever anything needs doing, there’s no one around. Omnipresent my arse. Ooh, I’ve been to the Pearly Gates. It’s where I met my new friends, Gonorrhoea and Chlamydia. Lovely girls, though a bit on the irritating side.
Did Monkey Boy disappear? I swear Guv’nor, I had nothing to do with it.
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This is like one of my lines: All I was looking for was a woman to make happy. Apparently they are not really into being happy. I’m sharing some of your links. I’m bummed spawan took his murder video down.
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Dan, it’s a well known fact that if we don’t complain at least 6 times a day, we spontaneously combust.
Aww thanks for sharing some of my links. Are you purposely trying to lose friends? 😉
And the Utopia vid is still up.I just checked.
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Be Greek. They have loads of Goddesses so at least you can commiserate with one another.
There’s Aphrodite the Goddess of big hair. Rhea the Goddess of strange, large flightless birds and is also the mother of Zeus so she can spank him if he gets out of hand and my personal favourite, Baubo who is described as “The bawdy crone Goddess who raised her skirt in front of Demeter.”
If you think the Pearly Gates night club is bad, have you tried “The Heaven Club?” Permanently full of arseholes!
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I used to go to Heavens on a Friday night with my gay pals and that’s not even a euphemism, it really was full of arseholes. If those back rooms and toilet cubicles could talk…God, I miss those days.
Ooh, I could become Greek, go back in time and live life like the old timers. You know, like back in the days when the Gods came down and spoke to the people and they had mythical quests like looking for a Golden Fleece, which I suppose would be called a Golden Hoodie nowadays and where the rulers sentenced you to death by water whilst screaming, RELEASE THE KRAKEN! Seriously, 1978 sounded like a fun time to be in.
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Hahahaha.. I read this as I am desperately trying to get back into His good graces by reviving my barely there Catholic life! And fittingly, as I read this, St. Michael is squished between my boobs gasping for air and telling me to get back to the Mormons.. You kill me woman!
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Hahaha! That comment alone is worth a blog post! Many men would envy where St. Michael is at the moment.
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God’s not all that.
I chose to worship a man who is very much like Jeebus in many many ways.
….. for was it not the great Saint Vanilla Ice whom spoketh thusly:
“If you have a problem, yo i’ll solve it…”
And all you have to do is check out his hook while a DJ revolves….it(?).
He doesn’t need worship or prayer or animal sacrifices. All he wants is for everyone to wear big baggy pants and not point and laugh at his very high hair.
I’m not sure if he wears sandles or is able to turn water into wine, but there’s some good deals down at our local bargain booze, so there’s always that to fall back on.
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I think that we should all listen to the words of the Ice. We must take heed, for he’s a lyrical poet, with Miami on the scene just in case we didn’t know it. Because as all us righteous folks know, his style is like a chemical spill, meaning that it will get everywhere and intoxicate one’s soul.
Blessed be to the Ice Master.
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For Pete’s sake, this is hysterical, Lily!! Love the way saints pop up when you blaspheme. Don’t you just hate it when the Almighty doesn’t pick up?! Happens to me all the time, like the Big Guy is busy running the universe or something. But wait, I see he’s busy in bed with a hot babe, bet he has the best pick-up lines…sure, I can prove I’m all powerful, watch me turn that guy over there into a block of salt ha ha!! Kick-ass Jesus and Satan on speed-dial, too funny! I was out of state for a few days for my nephew’s wedding and everyone had a cold, so of course I came home with one. Your post was the exactly what I needed, laughter is the best medicine!! 🙂
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Madilyn, I getting a bit worried. St Peter keeps popping up even when I don’t blaspheme. I think he might be a stalker…
Can you imagine God on the pull.? “Hey baby, If you come home with me, I can make the earth move for you…literally.”
As for Kick-Ass Jesus, I was in a surrealist kind of mood when I conjured him up…okay, I was high on caffeine but it amounts to the same thing.
Aww, sorry to hear that you’re not feeling well. Wishing a speedy recovering and sending you a virtual ((hug)) from across the sea. Just don’t breath on me. 🙂
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