Hello God. Hello… are you there? I can hear you breathing. Anyway, I would just like to ask you a few questions. It seems that lately, I have been beset by a few problems and I was wondering if…
Beeeeeep “Hello, you have reached the hotline to G.O.D. The Almighty is currently unavailable right now, but if you leave your name and number, he’ll get back to you as soon as he can.”
“God, can you please pick up?”
“Please listen carefully to the following options.”
“I know you’re there, I can hear Eastenders playing in the background.”
“For English, please press one…”
“And I know for a fact that you don’t even have a sodding answer machine!”
“For Hebrew, please press two…”
“Seriously, this is why I have no faith in you anymore.”
“If you’re calling about plague and pestilence, please press 3…”
“I got your plague and pestilence right here buddy.”
“If you’re calling about the rivers of Babylon turning red…again, please press 4…”
“Well now that you’ve mentioned it, my periods are kinda heavy.”
“Eww! TMI! Gross. If you’re…”
“Will you cut that out! I know it’s you and not some stupid answering machine!”
“…calling about The Four Horseman of the apocalypse, please press 5.”
“Okay, you’re an arse, you do know that don’t you? Jesus Christ!”
*Now folks, let me just take the time out to explain that regularly readers, will instantly know that the moment I begin to take a Saint’s name in vain, (in posts such as these) said Saint usually makes a prompt appearance. For example, if I say “oh for Pete’s sake…”*
“Yo Lily? Wassup?”
*That happens*. “Nothing Saint Peter. I was just explaining to the readers what happens every time I blaspheme.”
“Oh okay. Gotcha.”
*So when I said ‘Jesus Christ’, I was expecting the very man himself to make an appearance. Instead, this guy shows up. Anyway, on with the story*
“Er, Hi.”
“You’re not Jesus. Where’s Jesus?”
“Um…well he’s kinda busy right now. I’m sort of like a stand-in. You know, for when he can’t be around.
“For when he can’t be around?!! He’s omnipresent for Pete’s sake!!”
“Yo, how’s it hangin?”
“Sorry Pete. Didn’t mean to blaspheme that time.”
“No problem babes. Catch ya later.”
“So come on then. Where is he? What is SO important that the Son Of God cannot take the time to pop up when I call his name in vain?”
“Well that was surreal.”
“Whatevs Lil. Can we hurry it up, Eastenders is almost finished. For all other inquiries, please press 6.”
“If you want to be ignored by the heavenly father, please press 7.”
“Took you long enough to get the hint. If you make a mistake, press star and start again.”
“Aww come on G, this is serious. I really need to talk to you.”
(Beeeeeep) “שלום, שהגעת לקו החם לG.O.D…”
“Oh no! You are NOT started all that crap up again in Hebrew?! That’s it! I’m done!! I’m off to worship Satan. You’ve got no one to blame but yourself for me turning to the Dark One”. *Dials Satan’s number. Yeah, he’s on speed-dial.* “Hey Luci, it’s Lily. Look, I need some advice.”
*Beeeeeep* “Hola usted ha llegado a la línea directa de Satanás. de Inglés, por favor, pulse uno …”
“Bastards.”
~Lily
The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose 