The Womb-Fruit Becomes An Emo

I think there might be something wrong with the Spawn. He seems very unhappy lately.
I have just discovered that he has decided to take a hiatus from his mighty ambition of achieving world domination, by setting aside all wicked and various other acts of cruelty and misdeeds solely perpetrated towards the wanton mass destruction of earth and civilization as we know it. It would seem that he has selected, perhaps unwisely, to dedicate all his efforts into becoming an Emo instead.
The first that I became aware of this significant change in his plans, was when I just so happened to chance upon his diary. Yes I know that it’s wrong to violate the private sanctum of a person’s ‘book of thoughts’, but I’m slowly running out of blackmail material.
And so I read on, desperately trying to decipher the incoherent meaning behind his incredibly cryptic words.
The diary entry reads as follows:

letter

Try as I might, I could not fathom the concealed definition of his text. What fiendish plot did he have lurking within the depths of his devilish mind? what vital clue was I missing? I did not have the foggiest. But it appears that since my womb-fruit has crossed over the threshold from crib-lizard to adolescence, there has been a marked difference in his behaviour and I am not sure what the cause of his current malaise is.
For example, he doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me any more…

jessica-rabbit

“I’ve been having a lot of nightmares recently which have been quite disturbing. Now I know that what I’m about to tell you is probably part of a bad dream that I had, but I swear that the other night, something either entered or exited my hoo-ha.”

1f2f1-evil

jessica-rabbit

“Now if that something entered my hoo-ha, then we need to prepare ourselves for what may  in 9 months time. If however that something exited my hoo-ha, then there may already be a blood sucking alien succubus on the loose. One that sucks the very life force out of it’s host…I mean I already have one of those, (Looks Spawn directly in the eyes) I don’t need another”

1f2f1-evil

jessica-rabbit

1f2f1-evil

“I’m going to my room.”

Then there was the time when I decided to try a spot of Zumba…okay, I was naked and it was to the theme of the Teletubbies, but did that really warrant such harsh words? 

1f2f1-evil

“It is too late to pluck out thine eyes, for this image  has already be burned into my brain for all eternity. God, how I wish I was adopted by a interracial, disabled, mentally unstable,  transgender, lesbian couple of questionable religious practices, for you are a trauma that nobody should have to go through”

I mean why would he say such a thing if he wasn’t exhibiting signs of melancholy?
And there is something else that I’ve noticed, he has become highly irritable, even at the most trivial of things.

1f2f1-evil

“Dear God Mother, must you keep expelling air from your back door belly button? The air in here is becoming quite dense.”

jessica-rabbit

“But passing wind is a completely natural process. Even the Queen does it.”

1f2f1-evil

“I’m sure she does Mater, but I bet that she doesn’t do it AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!!”

I mean really readers, was there any reason for such disrespectful behaviour?
And now he is being secretive about the people he hangs out with and refuses to let me meet any of his friends.

1f2f1-evil

” I’m going out”.

jessica-rabbit

“OK. Who with?”

1f2f1-evil

” Jessie.”

jessica-rabbit

” Jessie? Is she the one that looks Danny Devito?”

1f2f1-evil

“What?? No!!”

jessica-rabbit

“Oh wait, that’s Jenny. Is she the one whose mum looks like a man in drag?”

1f2f1-evil

(Said whilst walking towards the door) “I’m going.”

jessica-rabbit

 “Is she the one with the one with the rather large teeth that looks like she’s trying to chew off the lower half of her face?”

1f2f1-evil

(Spawn opening front the door) “I’ll be back by 8:30.”

jessica-rabbit

“The morbidly obese one who is perpetually hungry with the psychotic mum?”

1f2f1-evil

(Spawn halfway out the door) “Her mother no longer resides at that particular address.”

jessica-rabbit

“What happened to her mum? OH MY GOD! DID SHE EAT HER MUM??!!”

1f2f1-evil

(Spawn now outside the door) “Goodbye. I’m not sure if I’ll be returning.”

jessica-rabbit

“IS SHE THE ONE THAT’S SO FAT, THAT SHE’S SOON TO BE OVERTHROWN BY A SMALL MILITIA GROUP?” (Door slams) Oh how rude!”

And now it would appear that he is without a sense of humour.

1f2f1-evil

 “Mother, do you believe in the existence of ghosts?”

jessica-rabbit

“Why yes son of mine. Not too long ago, I encountered an unexplained phenomena that scared the living daylights out of me.”

1f2f1-evil

(Spawn getting excited) “What? What was it? What was it?”

jessica-rabbit

” Well I went into the kitchen this morning to make myself a cup of coffee and when I…and this is the spooky bit…when I switched on the kettle (pause for dramatic effect) the water started boiling! I mean, how scary was that huh?”

1f2f1-evil

jessica-rabbit

“Huh?”

1f2f1-evil

jessica-rabbit

“Huh?”

1f2f1-evil

jessica-rabbit

” I mean there was no one else around when it happened. You’ve got to admit that that’s a bit odd huh?”

1f2f1-evil

jessica-rabbit

“Huh?”

1f2f1-evil

“You suck the very essence out of life itself. You know that don’t you?”

jessica-rabbit

“But it really freaked me out! Quick, fetch me the yellow pages, I need to make an important call.”

1f2f1-evil

“Who are you going to call?”

jessica-rabbit

 “GHOSTBUSTERS!!” (Said to Spawn as he walked away and padlocked the door to his room) “OH MY GOD SPAWN! IT JUST HAPPENED AGAIN! I SWITCHED ON THE LIGHT AND IT CAME ON!! WHAT VILE AND DEVIOUS MANNER OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS??!!”

And there you have it dear readers. I don’t know what it is that ails my child of the loom, but I’m sure that it has nothing whatsoever to do with me…right?

~Lily

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58 thoughts on “The Womb-Fruit Becomes An Emo

    • It’s the only real joy I get out of being a mum Brett. Plus it will give him something to talk about in his future therapy sessions.
      And when are we going to get more tales from China? I love reading about your experiences in a foreign land, although I fear I would have had cabin fever on that train. Yikes!

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      • I actually plan on writing a new one today. All my visa paperwork finally went through this morning so I can quit looking over my shoulder for the cops all the time.

        It’s really weird to have to hide your income and employment from the government. And really difficult when you have a government job, but I pulled it off for four months.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I am quite envious (in a good way) and in admiration of you guys for making such a huge leap. Mt nephew taught out there and loved every moment of it.
          Looking forward to the next instalment. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

    • I lock my bedroom door every night. My Slug Pellet is one scary kid. One day I was typing and looked up. Cue Friday The 13th music and that ‘ki ki ki’ kill sound. He was just there staring at me, then he said and I quote, “slash your face off?” I was like what? And he said, “I meant would you like a cup of tea?” True story.

      Liked by 2 people

    • You lost me at paunchy men. Up until then, I was right with you. Now Hugh Jackman flapping about naked to the teletubbies theme…
      And by flapping, I mean his arms…in a dancing fashion…you know, on account of the Zumba…yeah, I should stop writing now…

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Oh, I’m sure Spawn’s change in behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you. Couldn’t possibly be! It’s gotta be those nefarious teenage hormones working their weirdness on him. Yeah, that’s what it is. Happens to all of us… well actually, maybe not all, but I worry more about the ones who DON’T do a little bit of mutating as teenagers. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was so angsty as a teen, that even Goths rejected me. But that’s what I’m putting it down to Susan, those teen hormones…yep, it’s definitely them hormones. I am nurturing and kind and do not do things that could possibly scar a child for life, like talk about my hoo-ha or insult his…oh…

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    • There’s no way that he could hide his plans from me Kim. As a mother who reads her child’s journals daily and has the passwords to all his accounts which I carefully monitor, I would know, from the infra cameras as well as the spy equipment and the 24 hour surveillance, if he was up to something.

      Liked by 1 person

        • Haha! Spying on the unsuspecting. It’s what the internet is all about. And if I didn’t have all that high tech equipment, I’d only have Jeremy Kyle to keep me company all day. A woman has to have a hobby.

          Liked by 1 person

            • The woman opposite has just gotten back with her partner after he left when she got pregnant at 16. She’s now 33. The people to her left present as a united and loving couple, but when you look into their living room, he always looks like he wants to shank her and she looks like there isn’t enough gin in the world to drown her misery. To the right is an elderly couple. Their son and his partner and child live next door and they have a entrance that leads from one house to the other. How do I know that? Because after the younger couple had an argument, she ran back into their house and emerged from the parents house!! It was like watching a magic show!! The naked Brazilian directly opposite has moved out causing depression and now I’m watching the new owners redecorating his boudoir of wanton lust. Nick is a hypochondriac and has an ambulance permanently parked outside her house. I think the paramedics even have their own keys now. So really, there isn’t much to tell…

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  2. I think Master Meglos has reached that age where things are starting to stir and it is dawning on him that ruling the world is to put it bluntly shit. . . Then he might be trying to communicate with the girls and using his experiences in life to communicate with them. As a teenager or thereabouts that can be shit too. It is not a good time of life for a young chap and then to add insult to injury who suddenly turns up like a bad penny but Donald Trump. Well I mean after years of making cunning plans on how to rule the world Donald sort of proves that any half mad chap can do it. I think what the Spawn needs in his life is Karaoke although he might need to ban his mother from venues . . . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think his problem is that world domination isn’t coming fast enough for him Mr Z, especially as he has now been pipped to the post by D Trump. As for Karaoke, have you heard Master Meglos sing? It’s like a fog horn on crack.

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      • Tell Master Meglos that he might catch the world on the rebound after four years of Mr Trump. The masses still confused and dazed from Mr T’s efforts to make a huge wall and painting the white house gold and pink.

        I am slightly encouraged that Master Meglos might have been practising his singing technique, Practice makes perfect as they say. So lots of encouragement, maybe be could sing to you in the morning to wake you up gently. . . .

        Liked by 1 person

        • If the masses are dazed and confused now, then they’ll be in hysterics and meltdown mode once my child takes over. Still, at least I get to be the head of his army of cats with laser beam eyes, so that’ something to look forward to.

          And I can’t have him singing in the mornings. Last time he set off all the car alarms in the street, whilst the neighbourhood dogs wouldn’t stop barking for 3 hours.

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  3. Ah, methinks Spawn’s hiatus from his mighty ambition of world domination might be merely a ruse. Yes, what fiendish future deed is he plotting? Hmmm…after all, he signed the entry “future ruler to all of mankind!” Yes, all of us, and that would surely knock the Agent Orange Darth Hater we have over here off his throne. Ha! Then again, adolescents can be such contrarians.

    Doing Zumba naked to the Teletubbies tune, love it, sounds like fun! Passing wind at the dinner table? Oh, I am with Spawn on that one LOL!! Your conversations with Spawn always crack me up. Great post, Lily! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha! ‘The Agent Orange Darth Hater,’ now that’s definitely one that I haven’t heard before. I don’t know what that boy is up too, but he needs to learn how to tidy his room before he becomes the future tyrannical and despotic leader of the universe.

      In my defence at passing wind at the dinner table which I usually don’t do, I had just eaten almost a whole bowl of sage and onion stuffing, which lately, seems to have an undesirable affect on me. I now eat it alone…in the dark…in shame…

      Thanks Madilyn. I always enjoy the conversations that I have with Spawn…it’s a pity he doesn’t.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. ’emo’ is reversed inside the word ‘domenation’. But it is in the forward orientation in ‘demonation’.

    Go forth and prosper, or just stay home with a fifth of something *delightful*.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr E, it’s only when I’m faced with a comment from you, that I am reminded that I have all the intellectual capacity of a sea urchin. I’ve gotta say, it’s not such a bad feeling.

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        • They are Mr E. They’re also spiny and globular, which isn’t exactly the look that I was going for. However, I enjoy your blended and decanted fermentation of poetry and mischief. It’s a rich, smooth, full-bloodied blend that should only be poured into the most crystal of glasses.

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  5. “Crib-lizard” – love this 🙂
    Ok, love it all, but especially liked “crib-lizard”.
    As to the change you have detected in your proof-that-you-once-had-sex, as a good and loving mother I advise you to just ignore it – no good thing ever came from engaging in conversations with a teenager-hood-dom-thingyumwhatsit-perceived-to-be-human-but-not-really-convinced person. Eventually, say 5 or 10 years, it should pass. 🙂 Drink wine, eat biscuits and keep writing your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. One of the nice things about being a Dad is we don’t give a shit. Once we’ve made the sperm donation the hard part is over. So what if the little demons don’t want to share what’s on their mind and choose to sulk in solitary confinement. I’m fine with that. Unfortunately, they tend to come out every so often and beg for money. What do I look like, the World Bank of Switzerland? I tell ’em, “Get a job.” That’ll take their mind off their troubles.

    Liked by 1 person

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