Hell Hath No Chocolate For A Woman Scorned.

As many of you do not know, my older brother is a pastor (yes, we do come from the same mother) and as such, feels it is his duty to point out the many many errors of my ways. And because my brother is a good man, (the only wicked thing about him is his sense of humour)I decided a few years ago to accept my his invitation to attend a church service…and no, I did not spontaneously combust into flames on coming into contact with consecrated ground.
Now this planned visit wasn’t to do with any cathartic episodes on my part. There were no sudden crisis of faith, nor was there a sense of wanting to quell the iniquitous tide of the past. No, this was simply to do with something that my older brother had said during a recent conversation. A conversation in which he detailed the very likelihood of my being bound for the nether world. It was a conversation so horrifying, that it had me thinking about the direction that I had been taking in life and the changes that I needed to make in order to rectify my indiscretions… before it became to late…

The Conversation…

jesus

“Lily, as your brother, I’m only telling you this because I love you. But if you carry on the way that you’ve been going and don’t seek to change your wicked and quite frankly, hedonistic ways, then at the dawning of the new millennium when the second coming is reaped upon us, you shall  forever be cast into the fiery flames of hell.”

jessica

“Meh, at least It’ll be warm.”

jesus

“I’m serious. In fact I think that Satan may have a special place reserved just for you because of the very nature of  your sins.”

jessica

“Yaay! Free accommodation!”

jesus

“Laugh all you want lil sis but when the day of judgement comes upon you, your soul will be lost forever.”

jessica

“Along with my house keys, mobile phone, child, virginity, faith in humanity. Jesus, no blasphemy intended, I’m always loosing things.”

My brother then paused, no doubt taking in the aura of blackness that surrounded the darkness of my soul and realising that he was getting nowhere in his approach, decided to use a different tactic. A tactic that would soon have me quaking in fear and wishing desperately to see the light.

jesus

“Lily, you do know that there is no chocolate in hell don’t you?”

jessica

“WHAT THE FUCK?? SHUT UP!!”

jesus

“Really? You kiss our mother with that mouth?! Seriously Lily,  imagine an eternity without chocolate. Go on, try to imagine it.”

At this point, I begun to imagine thus but I could not. The thought seemed too absurd and too abhorrent to even contemplate. Sweat beaded my brow and my breath grew shallow. My head felt heavy with the burden of such cognition and soon my legs, which had been trembling slightly, gave way from beneath me. As my brother reached out to support my frail frame, I  gripped him tightly in my despair and openly wept at the hopelessness of spending such perpetuity. Without chocolate, it would be an horrendous and futile existence. An infinity devoid of milky goodness and arteries that hardened at the unwrapping of a Snickers duo. This was not the kind of immortality that I had in mind.

jesus

“Can you imagine it Lil? No assortment of mini chocolate selections, no peanut M&Ms or Mars duo and definitely and most certainly,  no Cadbury’s milk chocolate.”

By now I was in utter disbelief. I could not bear to hear such harsh words, words that seem to flow with ease from his cruel twisted lips. And so I let fly in a fit of rage at this apparent falsehood

jessica

“YOU LIE! You’re suppose to be a man of god, yet here you stand before me sprouting words of pure wickedness!”  I inhaled deeply as I sought to calm myself but the overwhelming tide of panic threatened to engulf me, as tears clouded my vision. “Like none at all?”  I was now sobbing uncontrollably. “Not even those kinder buenos with the cream and the wafer biscuit? I mean that stuff is revolting, truly disgusting. I mean if we’re talking about things that are truly evil, then surely those can only be the work of  Beelzebub himself?”

jesus

“Nope.”

jessica

“You are shitting me?? But chocolate makes up part of my staple diet.”

jesus

“Lily, chocolate IS your staple diet, and there are sewers cleaner then your mouth. Stop swearing. I’m sorry sis but that’s the truth, there’s no chocolate in hell. Only those who are pure of heart and clean of mind get to receive the heavenly bounty that is confectionery…oh and also those who still have a soul, the soulless can’t eat chocolate…it gives them cramps.”

jessica

“But doesn’t chocolate come under the remit of sin? After all it encourages gluttony, sloth, greed and wrath, especially when some twat tries to steal my Cluster bar…hey, is aggravated assault one of the deadly sins? Cos last time that Sandra tried to pinch my Whole Nut, I almost punched her in the boob.”

jesus

jessica

“I didn’t though. Oh how I’ve missed Sandra over the years. No matter how carefully I aim the car, the bitch still manages to jump the way.”

jesus

jessica

“What?? It was a WHOLE NUT!”

jesus

“And this is EXACTLY why you are going to hell! Seriously, there are truckers who are embarrassed by your foul mouth. Look sis, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that Satan is too cheap to spring for a packet of Malteser and a few Penguin Bars…though I do believe that he does have Brussels sprouts in hell…and in abundance.”

jessica

“SACRILEGE!! WHY ON EARTH WOULD SOMEONE UNLEASH SUCH HORROR UPON THE WORLD? IS THERE NOT ENOUGH SUFFERING AS IT IS? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? FOR THE LOVE OF MANKIND, WON’T SOMEBODY THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN??”

jesus

“Yep, you’re definitely burning in the fires of Hades. (Sighs heavily) But you’re right, who would unleash such horror upon the world? Satan that’s who. Remember, this is the being responsible for wars, famine, Paris Hilton and Star Wars The Phantom Menace. Why does he do it? Because he is evil that’s why. So, are you going to come to church with me on Sunday then?”

jessica

“Meh, might as well. There’s nothing good on TV on a Sundays anyway. Will there be chocolate?”

jesus

 “WE’RE GOING TO THE HOUSE OF GOD, NOT WILLY WONKA’S SODDING CHOCOLATE FACTORY!”

jessica

“Whoa! Whatever happened to patience being a virtue? By the way bro, we might have a slight incy wincy, teenie weenie bit of a problem.”

jesus

“Oh good lord, please take her now! What is it Lil?”

jessica

“Erm, is there really any truth in the fact that those who are  cursed by evil, will combust spontaneously on coming into contact with anything built on consecrated grounds?”

jesus

“Er…why do you ask?”

1f2f1-evil

“Yo.”

~Lily

 

 

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33 thoughts on “Hell Hath No Chocolate For A Woman Scorned.

  1. Um your desecrated ground just confused me – wouldn’t it be consecrated ground until you stepped on it?
    P>S = sorry but I don’t believe your brother – there is definitely all sorts of good stuff in Hades, you just can’t touch it – that’s the torment!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. LMAO Lily! Who knew you had a pastor brother and I can just imagine him turning pale when you said all those things to him. Oh, the two of you together must be fun at family gatherings! 😉 Clever of him to entice you to change your ways by saying that hell is devoid of chocolate but full to abundance with Brussels sprouts LOL! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Believe me Madilyn, you need a sense of humour to be a part of my family. Family occasions are a verbal bloodbath.
      After he became a pastor over 10 years ago, he started trying to get me to mend my ways. But telling me that there is no chocolate in hell? Now that was just pure evil. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m confused. See I thought that there was chocolate in both but not Cadbury in hell therefore I’d have to get into Heaven – that was because Cadbury was such a goody goody company, fairtrade beans and building nice quaint mock Tudor villages in what is otherwise known as the Black Country (oh there’s a funny story I should relay some time).

    However now that Cadbury is owned by Mondelez International, who are the spawn of the devil himself btw, they’ve become another money grabbing capitalist conglomerate I expect St Peter is frisking people at the pearly gates and any evidence of cream eggs, whole nut or dairy milk and it’s into the lift with no up button for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Back in the days of yore, Cadbury was used as a path to greed, wickedness and sin with it’s smooth milky goodness, and so the good lord did spake and proclaimed it as heavenly, reclaiming the mouth melting treat. That was a few years ago. Somehow Satan and his minions infiltrated Cadbury and thus the taste of molded plastic was born, wrapped and sold as a confectionery. And don’t get me started on what they’ve done with the cream egg…Er… I have no idea where I’m going with this story…

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s not cadbury chocolate … so can’t be cadbury – it is laid by one of Beelzebub’s demonic offspring in a factory egg laying facility so far from the tranquillity of Bourneville it is infused with the screams of their enslaved workers… (Note to legal reps from Cadbury, it’s parent company and any associated entity. This is satirical humour – pls don’t sue me of Lily – we’re barasic anyways!)

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  4. In the interests of full disclosure I must confess a mortal sin. I have turned my avaricious gaze away from the smooth melty decadence that is Cadburys Dairy Milk … To … Reeces Pieces. Peanut butter in a hard candy shell. Mmmmmmm. No, actually MMMMM. Even at $5 for a 200g bag. I’ve still got some left. Wanna share?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mr H here – I know I’ve not been around recently, and for that I apologise.

    And it is with a heavy heart I must begin my newest comment with a proper telling off.

    How very dare you, even in jest, EVEN in light hearted finger poking, leg puling rib tickling, tongue in cheek style-ee try to claim that Kinder Bueno’s are horrible.

    THEY ARE THE GREATEST DREAMY CHOCOLATE BARS IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

    I have half a mind come round there and give you one of my looks!

    I fail to understand how anyone in their right mind can go a whole week without devouring ones of those sexy kinder bars.

    OOF!

    I just don’t know who you are anymore Lily…. You’ve changed….

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr H, how I have miss thee and thy silly ways! And although my love for you is stronger than mature cheddar and as potent as Tetrodotoxin, I cannot agree with you on the Kinder Bueno. For the Kinder Bueno is essentially sugar piped through wafer and then covered in melted sugar. The first time that I tried this monstrosity, my teeth pulled an all out coup and tried to escape my mouth. As for it being sexy, why I put to you kind sir, or should that be Kinder Sir, that it is the Nigel Farage of chocolates.
      But no matter Mr H, I do not feel anything less for you despite this slight affliction. We all have our crosses to bear.

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  6. Geez, the guy really knows how to pound home a theological point. 🙂

    During his daily rounds of hell, the devil came across four grateful Minnesotans.

    “Hey, big guy,” one said, slapping him on the back. “We love what you have done with the place, it’s so warm.”

    So the devil cranked down the thermostat down to – 60F.

    The Minnesotans leaped about in joy. “The Viking won the Superbowl!!” they cried.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heehee, knowing nothing of the Superbowl, I’m quite perturbed that I understood that joke. But then I haven’t slept in 24 hours and I’m slightly delusional and a little hysterical…

      Apparently saving my soul is an all out war for my brother. But he has nothing to fear from me, it’s my womb-fruit that could to with an exorcism or two. Seriously, the child makes Satan nervous.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. No chocolate and LOTS of Brussels sprouts? That should be enough to scare any kid straight! And I’m betting, in spite of all the fire, there aren’t any hot dogs or marshmallows to roast, either…

    Some years ago, while waiting in line to take Communion, my dear husband oh-so-reverently whispered in my ear: “Have you ever noticed how many more people show up when they’re serving hors d’oeuvres?”

    Merry Christmas, dear Lily. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I would be one of those showing up for the hor d’oeuvres. I need to move to the United States. The most we get over here is a sip of wine and a piece of unleavened bread.
      The Brussels sprouts are enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. Not having chocolate just ensures that I stay there.
      Merry Christmas to you and yours Susan! 😀

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  8. Last Sunday after the worship service, along with the usual cookies, platters of fruit, cheese and crackers, there were many, many, snack-size bars of Dove dark chocolate. Someone said, “It’s like I’ve died and gone to heaven!” It may have been me.
    So there you go. There’s chocolate in heaven.
    As to whether you’ll have a ticket to enter, I’m not in charge of making that call. But I promise I will speak on your behalf.
    That’s assuming I make it there, of course. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The new Toblerone is the Devils work!
    If I’ve spelt Toblerone wrong it’s cos I’m pissed.
    If I’ve sent this comment twice it’s cos I’m pissed
    If I’ve not sent it at all it’s cos I’m pissed
    It is sooooo good to have you back girlie

    Liked by 1 person

    • The new Toblerone is VEXING. It’s like a chocolate letter holder! The gap in between each piece can be used as a bookshelf!! What the hell is happening to our chocolates? What about the children?! Won’t somebody think about the children?!
      Thanks Mr D. ;D

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  10. I think we’re of a similar mind in respect of religion (although I don’t think I’ve done nearly enough sinning… have sin-envy now)… I also think that knowing for certain that there was no chocolate in hell may make me turn to the enlightened path…

    Horrifying thought – what if there was no chocolate in hell, but the only chocolate in heaven was low cal, high cocoa content, smug wanker chocolate. The sort Chris Martin would offer you if you popped round. Wrapped in houmous and virtue.

    Now there’s an ecclesiastical conundrum.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I don’t know which was scarier, the blog post or the comments, but I know how people feel about chocolate. Your brother is a crafty a devious sort to play the chocolate card in hopes tempting you into conversion.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My poor brother failed in his attempts to convert me. I think that even he realised that I was beyond the reach of the good Lord. Saying that, Satan has also put out a statement that I do not darken his door. He thinks I’ll lower the tone.

      Liked by 1 person

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