Life From The Edge Of A Toilet Bowl (Releasing the Kraken)

The Witching Hour will soon be upon us…well when I say soon, I mean in 26 days, 17 hours, 59 minutes and 14…13…12…11…10…this bit could take some time…
Anyway, to get us into the mood for the day when the dead walk the earth with wailing souls and mournful cries and when Spawn rises up from the ashes of the fetid, dank darkness of a hellish place, where socks go to die and underpants forsake the humility of cleanliness by lying prostrate upon an effluent laden carpet, I bring you a tale of woe and courage as I take a trip to the bathroom. You’re welcome.

*My bathroom is an afterthought. It is also what one might call bijou.
It’s as though whoever designed the house, was so overly impressed with themselves at the paper thin walls and lopsided floors, that they forgot to add in a bathroom and thus remembering so, quickly utilised what space was left.
They also forgot to add a window leading me to believe that he or she, must have been raised in a cave. Maybe they was going for that ‘In Utero’ look and trying to give off a sense of womb-like tranquillity. Or maybe they just forgot to put in a bloody window!
So not only do the Womb-fruit and I have to contend with a bathroom that even an Oompa Loompa would deem too small, but the lighting system is now acting as though it has been offered a starry role in a horror movie and is acting all…


Needless to say, the light remains switched off, least one or both of us succumbs to a fit of epilepsy. 
So I sit in the toilet zone, the sound of the whirring fan my only company…well I think it’s my only company, it’s too dark to see what else is in there. Now it takes exactly four steps to reach the bathroom from my bedroom and thereon, exactly two steps to get to the toilet from the bathroom entrance. In my head however, those footfalls take far far longer. For in the dark recesses of my mind, the aforementioned footsteps, equal an epic journey of great importance and ginormous magnitudes.

The journey inevitable begins from the prison of my bed, whereby a huge exchange will take place between my mind, bladder and body.
Bladder will argue it’s point regarding the need for release and putting forward it’s plight concerning the injustice of having no control and always having to be put on hold.
The mind will rationalise the many problems faced by not getting up and taking care of nature, whilst gently reminding me of the intricacies of the Kegel method and that women with slack Lady Gardens DO NOT get dates.
My body? My body will be in the midst of giving up. All the components that make it functional, will be staging a gang warfare on their enemies pain and fatigue and all the while, I will just be lying there and pondering the fact that if I peed myself, I could always turn the mattress over. Besides, who wouldn’t welcome a bit of warmth on a cold chilly night…even if it is rather wet?


And that’s when dignity comes into play, (Damn you dignity!) forcing me to leave the confines of my enclosure and forwarding me onto my arduous adventure. Those four steps I wrote about earlier? Well they are no longer the mere treading of carpet. They are the battle walk of the weary and the forlorn as I trudge towards uncertain doom. Will I ever reach my destination on time, or like the war torn children of 1940’s Britain, will my bowels evacuate? So onward I march or lightly shuffle, over lands and hills, through towns and valleys, into worlds unknown and of mythical proportions. Encountering Hydras, two-headed werewolves and other beasts of my wanton imagination, my journey finally ends when I slay the fabled underwater monster and declare proudly, “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” And yes, that is a euphemism for it’s time to poop.


So now I sit on the porcelain throne of my disembarkation, spent and slightly nauseated from the hardship of my travels. I cannot allow myself to feel a slight moment of victory, for the hard work has yet to begin.
Now as it has already been surmised, a trip to the bathroom is no mean feat. Once there, the occupancy of the room could take quite a while because once the cool surface of the throne is warmed by the posterior of the occupier, it’s er…rather difficult to achieve standing position thereafter. And so I stay and wait, and contemplate life from the edge of my toilet seat.


*Taken and updated from my ‘More Sleep Please’ blog

36 thoughts on “Life From The Edge Of A Toilet Bowl (Releasing the Kraken)

  1. I can’t find it now but I read a story a few weeks ago about a block of flats built in Canada (I think) that had no bathrooms in them. The architect drew it, the builders built it, the tenants bought them and no-one noticed until the first person moved in. Seriously mad! At least your afterthought wasn’t that much of an afterthought

    Liked by 2 people

    • Did these people not think to look around, or ask to see the blueprint before they purchased these flats?? Who buys a place without seeing it first?! What if he had just built a cubby hole and advertised it as bijou?! Beggars belief.


  2. windows in loos, I hate loos that have nothing but a fan in them and yet it seems to be the modern trend to avoid the great expense of a window. I mean who wants windows letting all that light in during the day and letting light out at night, plainly not good for the environment. At present we have two loos and both have windows, but as a result of an extension back in the past the windows open into the utility room. Is no window in the loo better or worse than a window that opens into your home I do not know. Anyway at some point we have plans to change it all and rationalise what is generally a fairly cool house. We once lived in a house where the cats could vanish through a hole in the side wall of the house, somehow work their way round the corner and emerge from under the bath. A bit of a shock for visitors. But it was rented and the landlord was not really interested.

    I have to walk many steps to the loo and this gives me time to wake up particularly if the cat is waiting to trip me up as part of his cunning plan. The other cat then nicks my place in the bed and thinks I should sleep on the floor when I return.

    Hope all is well Miss Lily I am still busy in the real world with my own cunning plans as i work towards my little exhibition and build my Shed of the Year 2099 which I hope to have water tight before the weather gets really horrid.

    Be Good Take Care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s a neat little trick the cats had back then. I would have utilised it to scare children and old people. Mr Z, I live in a little row of town houses. They all look the same from the outside, but the architect decided to play eenie meenie miny mo and give each alternate house a bathroom and toilet upstairs and a second toilet downstairs. Guess who didn’t get the house with the extra bog? it’s only the two houses at the end that have windows.
      Is no window in the loo better or worse than a window that opens into your home? I’m not sure, but I knew a guy who had a toilet in the kitchen. I mean it had a door and everything, but it was still IN THE KITCHEN! I refused when he offered to make me something to eat and almost wet myself as I couldn’t bring myself to use the toilet, which was IN THE KITCHEN!
      Hope all is going to plan with the exhibition. I’m getting quite excited for you…though that could also be to do with the fact that I’m on my 5th cup of coffee. And you better get that shed up soon. Winter is-a-coming.
      Good to hear from you Mr Z and I’m always good. 😉


  3. My husband has an aunt who lives in the woods. Well, a cabin in the woods. Anyway, her bathroom has floor to ceiling windows for three of the walls, and no curtains. Her nearest neighbor is like 15 miles away, but even so. That squirrel was eyeing me funny.
    I think I’d prefer a cave.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m laughing so hard at the image of the squirrel watching you taking care of nature. 😀 Apart from that, it sounds like the view would be spectacular. Better than sitting in the dark whilst trying not to think what might be crawling your way. Or worse still, already making itself at home in your cavities.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Woo HOO! Your blog is looking mighty spiffy, girl. Nice face lift.

    Years ago, my uncle and father actually put a picture window in an outhouse! No kidding. It was at a rustic cabin surrounded by woods, and the window overlooked a river. It was rather peculiar to sit there in the daytime and watch the people down below pass by on their boats, but at nighttime, it was even worse. You had to carry a cheap flashlight and walk through the creepy night past those shadowy woods to get to the potty, and then that damned window let the darkness in!

    I hope you’re doing well, kiddo.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I thought I’d get the old blog ready for Halloween. Glad you like it. 🙂
      Okay, sitting in the dark in my own home is one thing. Going into the dark woods to sit in the dark, is the stuff that horror films are made of. It does tickle me though that they put in a picture window. But sitting there, all I could imagine would be the theme to Halloween, or an encounter with the Blair Witch.

      I’m good thanks. Slowly and I mean very slowly getting over the flu.


  5. Being a bloke I have heard a multitude of stories of trips to the khazi but that, girlie, takes the biscuit! You had me in stitches and a little damp patch cos I laughed so hard. “Release the Kraken” indeed! I will never look at a Kraken the same way again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • What way did you look at a Kraken before? Was it a side way glance? Maybe a look of come hither perhaps? 😉
      How you doing Mr D? I’ve been thinking of you this week, and no, not in that way…
      As always, I’m glad that I could tickle your funny bone, but you really should see a doctor about that leak. (damp patch)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Now I’m worried! I hope you’re not thinking who your next victim will be! 😨
        Only one way to look at a Kraken and that’s straight in the eye. Best to have a big stick with you in case you need to beat the blighter back though.
        It was tears from crying with laughter that caused the damp patch. What were you thinking girlie?
        I hope you’re recovering from the ‘flu. Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Lily, I remember much of this from your excellent post on your other blog. Reading it again is just as entertaining. “Release the kraken!” just cracks me up LOL!! I sure don’t envy your bathroom ordeal, just getting there being hard enough but then no window? Oh, that is just wrong, every bathroom must have a window. And decent lighting so you don’t feel like you’re “releasing the kraken” in a cave! “I’m flying bitches,” just love that. Really like the way you decorated your page for Halloween. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You might have a career as a plumber. They are always exposing their kraken. How nice that you only have a four-step walk. I have to pass through three room and step over a sleeping dog. There are numerous hazards along the way including solid oak furniture and a rock hearth who seems to enjoy busting my toes in the middle of a cold, dark night.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This reminds of a time I used a bathroom on campus that was located in a basement people rarely used. They installed motion sensor lights that turned off automatically to save energy. Problem was they had them set for less than a minute. So when I was in the stall, the lights turned off and I found myself in pitch darkness. I couldn’t see my own hand. So I sat there for a while, contemplating whether I should just walk out of the stall half naked and see if the detector noticed me. I was convinced that the moment I did this, the lights would turn on, someone would walk in, and I’d be standing there with my pants around my ankles waving at them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Darkness+Basement=Hollywood slasher movie!!
      If this were a film, I’d been screaming “don’t go in you fool!!”
      As for lighting that lasts less than a minute, that’s criminal in itself. Seats will be missed, walls will be splashed and floors will suddenly become an indoor sliding apparatus! And why would you be waving at…oh…;)

      Liked by 1 person

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