I think there might be something wrong with the Spawn. He seems very unhappy lately.
I have just discovered that he has decided to take a hiatus from his mighty ambition of achieving world domination, by setting aside all wicked and various other acts of cruelty and misdeeds solely perpetrated towards the wanton mass destruction of earth and civilization as we know it. It would seem that he has selected, perhaps unwisely, to dedicate all his efforts into becoming an Emo instead.
The first that I became aware of this significant change in his plans, was when I just so happened to chance upon his diary. Yes I know that it’s wrong to violate the private sanctum of a person’s ‘book of thoughts’, but I’m slowly running out of blackmail material.
And so I read on, desperately trying to decipher the incoherent meaning behind his incredibly cryptic words.
The diary entry reads as follows:
Try as I might, I could not fathom the concealed definition of his text. What fiendish plot did he have lurking within the depths of his devilish mind? what vital clue was I missing? I did not have the foggiest. But it appears that since my womb-fruit has crossed over the threshold from crib-lizard to adolescence, there has been a marked difference in his behaviour and I am not sure what the cause of his current malaise is.
For example, he doesn’t seem to want to communicate with me any more…
“I’ve been having a lot of nightmares recently which have been quite disturbing. Now I know that what I’m about to tell you is probably part of a bad dream that I had, but I swear that the other night, something either entered or exited my hoo-ha.”
“Now if that something entered my hoo-ha, then we need to prepare ourselves for what may in 9 months time. If however that something exited my hoo-ha, then there may already be a blood sucking alien succubus on the loose. One that sucks the very life force out of it’s host…I mean I already have one of those, (Looks Spawn directly in the eyes) I don’t need another”
“I’m going to my room.”
Then there was the time when I decided to try a spot of Zumba…okay, I was naked and it was to the theme of the Teletubbies, but did that really warrant such harsh words?
“It is too late to pluck out thine eyes, for this image has already be burned into my brain for all eternity. God, how I wish I was adopted by a interracial, disabled, mentally unstable, transgender, lesbian couple of questionable religious practices, for you are a trauma that nobody should have to go through”
I mean why would he say such a thing if he wasn’t exhibiting signs of melancholy?
And there is something else that I’ve noticed, he has become highly irritable, even at the most trivial of things.
“Dear God Mother, must you keep expelling air from your back door belly button? The air in here is becoming quite dense.”
“But passing wind is a completely natural process. Even the Queen does it.”
“I’m sure she does Mater, but I bet that she doesn’t do it AT THE DINNER TABLE!!!!”
I mean really readers, was there any reason for such disrespectful behaviour?
And now he is being secretive about the people he hangs out with and refuses to let me meet any of his friends.
” I’m going out”.
“OK. Who with?”
” Jessie? Is she the one that looks Danny Devito?”
“Oh wait, that’s Jenny. Is she the one whose mum looks like a man in drag?”
(Said whilst walking towards the door) “I’m going.”
“Is she the one with the one with the rather large teeth that looks like she’s trying to chew off the lower half of her face?”
(Spawn opening front the door) “I’ll be back by 8:30.”
“The morbidly obese one who is perpetually hungry with the psychotic mum?”
(Spawn halfway out the door) “Her mother no longer resides at that particular address.”
“What happened to her mum? OH MY GOD! DID SHE EAT HER MUM??!!”
(Spawn now outside the door) “Goodbye. I’m not sure if I’ll be returning.”
“IS SHE THE ONE THAT’S SO FAT, THAT SHE’S SOON TO BE OVERTHROWN BY A SMALL MILITIA GROUP?” (Door slams) Oh how rude!”
And now it would appear that he is without a sense of humour.
“Mother, do you believe in the existence of ghosts?”
“Why yes son of mine. Not too long ago, I encountered an unexplained phenomena that scared the living daylights out of me.”
(Spawn getting excited) “What? What was it? What was it?”
” Well I went into the kitchen this morning to make myself a cup of coffee and when I…and this is the spooky bit…when I switched on the kettle (pause for dramatic effect) the water started boiling! I mean, how scary was that huh?”
” I mean there was no one else around when it happened. You’ve got to admit that that’s a bit odd huh?”
“You suck the very essence out of life itself. You know that don’t you?”
“But it really freaked me out! Quick, fetch me the yellow pages, I need to make an important call.”
“Who are you going to call?”
“GHOSTBUSTERS!!” (Said to Spawn as he walked away and padlocked the door to his room) “OH MY GOD SPAWN! IT JUST HAPPENED AGAIN! I SWITCHED ON THE LIGHT AND IT CAME ON!! WHAT VILE AND DEVIOUS MANNER OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS??!!”
And there you have it dear readers. I don’t know what it is that ails my child of the loom, but I’m sure that it has nothing whatsoever to do with me…right?