Away I have been. From the internet I have gone. No, I have absolutely no bloody idea why I’m talking like Yoda either. My absence is a sorry tale, as well as a repost from a time long past. Here is that tale.
Dentist waiting room:
“Why don’t you take a picture? It’ll last longer.” (spoken in a haughty manner)
“I…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to stare. It’s just that you’re…you’re a…”
“God, I’m so sick of people and their bloody ignorance.” (said with an eye roll before then turning back upon me)
“But…”
“But what? (almost shouting now) What? Yes I know that I’ve got some ways to go with the electrolysis treatment that I am currently undergoing and that it has left me with a noticeable amount of light fuzz…”
“Light fuzz?!! Light Fuzz?? That guy over there in the corner, has less hair on his entire body, then you have on your face!”
“Hi.”
“Actually, that’s my cousin Bettilia. The women in my family tend to be a little on the hirsute side. Anyway, the hormone shots will go a long way in helping with that and once I get the all clear for my operation…”
“Wait! You’re a pre-op transgendered Yeti?!”
“Oh!” (looks at me in genuine surprise) You didn’t know? It’s just that from the way you were staring at me, I assumed that you had guessed that I was originally male.”
(Almost chokes on tongue) “YOU’RE A MALE TO FEMALE TRANSGENDERED YETI?!”
“Well there’s no need to say it like that. How rude.”
“I wasn’t staring at you because you’re a transgendered Yeti, I was staring at you because you’re a bloody Yeti!!”
“RACIST!!”
“Oh for the love of God!”
“Er…did somebody mention my name? It’s just that I was on the toilet.”
“Oh for Pete’s sake!!!!”
“YO!”
“What the bloody hell is going on here? I feel like I’m losing my mind! Jesus Christ!”
(Jesus walking through the crowds of patients) “Peace be with you my brother and with you sister and with you my child…though not with you. I’ve heard that you’re a bit of a skank…”
Lily
The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose 
Are we there Yeti. . . . . . . . . . . . HAH AHHAha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha
When would a transgender Yeti go to the dentist ? . . . . Tooth-hurty. . . . . HAH hahah ahahah ah ah ahah a ha
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We met at the gym the other day Mr Z and I noticed that he had an incredible six pack. That must be why they call him the abdominal snowman.
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Oh thank goodness you are back. I can stop the search party. Freaking useless freaks that they were..probably were in the waiting room with you but were probably licking the windows to notice.
Hmmm Yeti….still would be nice to cuddle up to something warm on those cold nights while he is going through the transformation. You could plait each other’s hair….
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That first paragraph, conjures up a lot of images…none of them good.
Ooh, we could plait each other’s hair. I’ve got more hair on my chin then a yeti has over their whole entire body. I think a braided goatee might quite suit me.
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The hair on my chinny chin chin takes a whole new meaning then
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The original line in The Three Pigs is…
Big Bad Wolf: “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in”.
Three little Wimps: “No, not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins…no offence Lil”.
Chinny Chinny Lil : “It’s alright lads. None taken”.
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It was definitely quiet without you. Hope you were away doing exciting things like showing Spawn how to act like a tourist then overthrowing a despot and carrying out a bloodless coup from within. Or maybe just how to cheat the ice cream man out of two ninetie nines and a screwball. Welcome back. Oh, did you bring back a Yeti as a souvenir? I do like a nice gonk myself.
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Kimberley, I think that most people would see that as a good thing.
Oh there would be no such thing as a bloodless coup where Spawn is concerned. The more blood and guts, the better. And who will have to clean it up? Me, that’s who and bleach isn’t as cheap as it used to be…damn, now I feel like a screwball…
Thanks Kimberley. I feel like I’ve been away for ages. Heehee, have you looked up the Scottish term for gonk by the way?
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Oh yes.
But I thought I’d say it anyway.
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LOL! You are so SO naughty! 🙂
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Which restroom does a transgendered yeti use?
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Who cares, as long as it puts the bloody seat down.
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And therein lies the whole point of your post. THE ultimate question for the transgendered. Up? Or. Down? I would hope hope this vital question is covered during at least one counselling session. I guess the answer will depend on two things. 1. The gender of the counsellor and 2. The ultimate gender of the Yeti. Personally I think it should be made law that the seat is UP! Makes life easier for everyone.
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The people you meet in waiting rooms are much more interesting than the ones I’ve met. All these years, and I’ve yet to meet a yeti. Must be too bloody hot here in Georgia for them.
Welcome back! Wherever you’ve been, and whatever you’ve been doing, I’m glad you’re here. Your presence makes the blogosphere a much more enjoyable place to be.
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Aww, thank you Susan! That kind of warms the cockles of my heart.
Last week while I was in the doctor’s waiting room, I was arguing with Spawn that the good Lord was more wicked than Satan, because what kind of an evil mind would invent the malevolence that are mushrooms and eggs. I heard a cough behind me and turned around and there sat behind me, was a Nun…A NUN! RIGHT BEHIND ME! A NUN! I would have been less surprised if I HAD seen a transgendered yeti!
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A pre-op transgender Yeti at the dentist office and a chatty one at that, hysterical!! Love the way God (running in from the holy toilet…OMG, is that where they get holy water?! LOL!), St Pete and JC show up at the mention of their names, ha ha! Lily, missed you and your humor, very glad you’re back!! 🙂
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Eww, holy water from lavatory. Gives a whole new meaning to ‘Eau de Toilette’.
As we can all plainly see from this post, I am indeed going to well…that’s if Spawn is successful with his take-over bid.
Thanks Sweet Madilyn. It’s good to be back. 🙂
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I knew something was missing from my life but couldn’t quite figure it out. No coffee stains on my shirt. Ribs still intact. What was it? Thank you for enlightening me. Missed you girl. Yes I’m late to the party again but it’s lovely to have you back.
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Aww Mr D, flattery will get you EVERYWHERE! Don’t worry about being late to the party, just as long as you turn up in the end. Missing your presence on the interweb too.
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Sigh. Coming in at the end of the comment train sucks mightily, as everyone else has already highlighted the lovely bits, and one just looks lame if they repeat them. (I’m especially dissatisfied with those who already rhapsodized over the “I was on the toilet” bit. That was MINE to respond to, you interlopers. Get thee from my sight.)
In other news, I’ve just received official notice that my internment at the Beaver Valley Sanitarium for the Socially Inept has been approved by my insurance company. Perhaps I will have better success there, as my new roommates will be medicated enough that they won’t notice if I repeat what has already been said.
Wait, did I just make this comment all about myself? Imagine that.
Cheers.
P.S. Lily: Possible Blogger Spotlight, Part 2? Or would you prefer that I choose another?
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Who highlighted my lovely bits?! I thought I had those pictures destroyed!
Never mind about others rhapsodising about certain parts. You take those comments and you own them like a mofo.
As for your internment at the Beaver Valley Sanitarium, looks like we’re gonna be roommates…just don’t touch my drugs or imma cut you.
Ooh, I’d be honoured for a possible blogger spotlight, but I also don’t mind if you have anyone else in mind. It just warms the heart of my cockles…sorry, the cockles of my heart, to know that you thought of me. 🙂
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In the modern digital age, nothing is ever truly destroyed. So perhaps we should cut back on the nightly exhibitionism? Or at least employ a sketch artist instead of an actual cinematographer, hmm? Much easier to control the potential fallout.
As for Beaver Valley, yes, I think I noticed your name on the roster. And after bribing one of the lower-paid nursing assistants with some rather dried-out licorice whips, I learned that we will both be in the same basket-weaving therapy class. That should be quite the enchanting experience, especially since neither of us will be allowed Internet access per protocol. I can’t wait for the bloodshed.
And yes, the spotlight will soon shine on you once again. It’s your destiny. Embrace it, and smile for the cameras. (Clothed, of course…)
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You’re absolutely right Brian. In that case, I probably should stop uploading them to youtube as well.
No internet access? How is one supposed to communicate otherwise?! And are you sure those were licorice whips in your pocket??
I thought my destiny was to save mankind from the evil that corrupts the soul and strengthens the wicked…oh no, my bad, that’s Jesus. I’m always get us mixed up.
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Dearest Lily, you know that I adore you with an unbridled passion that is only slightly influenced by my pharmaceutical regimen, so I hope you won’t be offended by this heartfelt suggestion: Could you possibly up the number of allowed replies on comments? (This is something you can do in your settings, and clothing is not required.) It’s a small issue, really, but it does trouble me a bit when we are tossing words to and fro, you make a brilliant observation that I simply must worship, but the reply option is no longer available and I fall to the floor in agony, bereft and forlorn.
Of course, I can always start a new comment thread, such as I have done now, because I learned adaptability at a young age (I was somewhat-raised by an angry Italian father with focus issues, you have to be nimble and quick in the interest of survival). But it would be swell if our divine dialogues did not suffer from thematic interruptus…
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Unbridled? Look, I love you too, but I’m not being the horse again…oh…sorry, wrong type of bridle.
I have been meaning to amend the whole comment thing for a while good sir, so just for you and because I’m high on crack at the moment, I shall do as you have asked.
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My life is now complete… 😉
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It’s the little things that make one happy…that’s why I went out with Dave.
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