When it comes to the things that bring joy and wonderment to our lives, we all have our preferences. Some people may label certain predilections of mine as somewhat kinky.The Oxford dictionary, defines the word ‘kinky’ as :
1.informalinvolving or given to unusual sexual behaviour.
synonyms: abnormal, unusual, weird, bizarre, peculiar, strange, odd, funny;
That’s just plain wrong, for there is nothing perverse about what I like…that comes after 10 pm when the Spawn is asleep and the screams from the Dungeon awakens my soul.
Liking oldies is not a sickness. In fact, I find that the older they are, the better. With age comes wise words and tales of misdeeds. They speak of love and an age gone by. Sometimes at night, I like to touch them, stroke them, smell that musty old scent that comes from being aged. On occasions, I like to give them a good lick. Oh the taste of bygone eras is exhilarating. Oh the things that are revealed under the cover of darkness. I do divulge to my friends my exploits, but they don’t understand the love that I hold for these relics of the past. How I love to hold them to my breasts and to sometimes blow them, because there’s nothing like a thick wad of dust, lining the covers of my books. That’s right folks. It’s time to dust off those tomes and share with you some written classics from the past.
First in line, we have Biggles. From 1893-1968, fictional Biggles was a war pilot and an all American adventurer who appeared in many fiction books as a fictional character who was fictionalized and who appeared in fiction that was fictional. Biggles was a man’s man, a no nonsense man and he appeared in such classics as ‘The Boob’, ‘On Leave’, ‘Comrades In Arms’, ‘Biggles Gets His Men,’ ‘Biggles And The Black Raider’ and the great classic, Biggles Sees Too Much. But the first book to bring Biggles to prominence, was the tale, ‘Biggles And The White Fokker’, which as you all know, is the name of a World War l plane. It seems that with these titles, Biggles was struggling somewhat with his sexuality, but at the same time, giving us a little hint at the real man behind those flying goggles. Finally in 1963, Biggles decided that it was high time he outed himself, as illustrated in his autobiography entitled…
Now this books teaches us ways in which we can rejoice in the Lord while showing just how much we love our blessed Saviour. Not only do I like to ooze for my Lord, but I also like to pulsate for my Lord, Seep for my Lord, trickle for my Lord, drip for my Lord and Percolate For my Lord.
Now where would we all be without our mothers? I’d probably be living in a Kibbutz with my lesbian lover Rina and our 6 adopted kids from various parts of Asia and Africa. But let us not lament the past, or dwell on thoughts of matricide. Instead, lets us look at all the life’s skills they have taught us, like if we break a leg, then we shouldn’t go running to them. That it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. That not closing a door means that you were born in a barn. As well as posing the hypothetical and ethical question of, if all our friends jumped off a cliff, would we follow? Matters of hygiene and personal grooming are also part of a mother’s role to ensure that her child is well turned out and presentable. So what better way to teach your child about personal hygiene then…
Now this lovely little books acknowledges the question that we’ve all been seeking an answer to whenever we’re high on the magic that is crack. And the answer is quite simple. Because the little furry bastards know nothing about the delicate intricacies of abstract art.
And last but no means least, who do we have here? That’s right kids, it’s our very favourite little fur ball Elmo, In this hide and seek book. Can you guess what’s under Elmo’s washcloth?
That’s right Kiddies, it’s his penis. What? Well you’ve all got to learn the realities of life sometime. Grown up! Just be thankful that it wasn’t a Pop-up book.
Well wasn’t that fun boys and girls? Why don’t you join me next time, once you’ve all stopped crying, for another look at my oldies collection. Good day.