I Do Love The Old Ones. The Old Ones Are The Best.

When it comes to the things that bring joy and wonderment to our lives, we all have our preferences. Some people may label certain predilections of mine as somewhat kinky.The Oxford dictionary, defines the word ‘kinky’ as :

kinky
ˈkɪŋki/
adjective
  1. 1.
    informal
    involving or given to unusual sexual behaviour.
    synonyms: abnormal, unusual, weird, bizarre, peculiar, strange, odd, funny;

    informalsick, pervy, sicko;
    raredeviative
    “a kinky lover”

    That’s just plain wrong, for there is nothing perverse about what I like…that comes after 10 pm when the Spawn is asleep and the screams from the Dungeon awakens my soul.
    Liking oldies is not a sickness. In fact, I find that the older they are, the better. With age comes wise words and tales of misdeeds. They speak of love and an age gone by. Sometimes at night, I like to touch them, stroke them, smell that musty old scent that comes from being aged. On occasions, I like to give them a good lick. Oh the taste of bygone eras is exhilarating. Oh the things that are revealed under the cover of darkness. I do divulge to my friends my exploits, but they don’t understand the love that I hold for these relics of the past. How I love to hold them to my breasts and to sometimes blow them, because there’s nothing like a thick wad of dust, lining the covers of my books. That’s right folks. It’s time to dust off those tomes and share with you some written classics from the past.

    First in line, we have Biggles. From 1893-1968, fictional Biggles was a war pilot and an all American adventurer who appeared in many fiction books as a fictional character who was fictionalized and who appeared in fiction that was fictional. Biggles was a man’s man, a no nonsense man and he appeared in such classics as ‘The Boob’, ‘On Leave’, ‘Comrades In Arms’, ‘Biggles Gets His Men,’ ‘Biggles And The Black Raider’ and the great classic, Biggles Sees Too Much. But the first book to bring Biggles to prominence, was the tale, ‘Biggles And The White Fokker’, which as you all know, is the name of a World War l plane. It seems that with these titles, Biggles was struggling somewhat with his sexuality, but at the same time, giving us a little hint at the real man behind those flying goggles. Finally in 1963, Biggles decided that it was high time he outed himself, as illustrated in his autobiography entitled…

    biggles takes it rough

Now this books teaches us ways in which we can rejoice in the Lord while showing just how much we love our blessed Saviour. Not only do I like to ooze for my Lord, but I also like to pulsate for my Lord, Seep for my Lord, trickle for my Lord, drip for my Lord and Percolate For my Lord.

oozing for my lord

Now where would we all be without our mothers? I’d probably be living in a Kibbutz with my lesbian lover Rina and our 6 adopted kids from various parts of Asia and Africa. But let us not lament the past, or dwell on thoughts of matricide. Instead, lets us look at all the life’s skills they have taught us, like if we break a leg, then we shouldn’t go running to them. That it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. That not closing a door means that you were born in a barn. As well as posing the hypothetical and ethical question of, if all our friends jumped off a cliff, would we follow? Matters of hygiene and personal grooming are also part of a mother’s role to ensure that her child is well turned out and presentable. So what better way to teach your child about personal hygiene then…

watching mother

Now this lovely little books acknowledges the question that we’ve all been seeking an answer to whenever we’re high on the magic that is crack. And the answer is quite simple. Because the little furry bastards know nothing about the delicate intricacies of abstract art.

worst-book-covers-titles-36 (1)

And last but no means least, who do we have here? That’s right kids, it’s our very favourite little fur ball Elmo, In this hide and seek book. Can you guess what’s under Elmo’s washcloth?

elmo

That’s right Kiddies, it’s his penis. What? Well you’ve all got to learn the realities of life sometime. Grown up! Just be thankful that it wasn’t a Pop-up book.

Well wasn’t that fun boys and girls? Why don’t you join me next time, once you’ve all stopped crying, for another look at my oldies collection. Good day.

~Lily

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37 thoughts on “I Do Love The Old Ones. The Old Ones Are The Best.

  1. I used to have a book about knots when I was a kid. It was full of pictures of knots and little diagrams which explained how to tie a knot. . . .

    I suspect this was not your sort of book
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .AHH H HA hah ah ahah hahah hha hah ah ah ah ah aha haha haha hahahahah ah ah ahahha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dammit. There I was at the start thinking “Kinky? Ooo. I do like a kink.” Then it got better as you wrote about prefering oldies. “I’m old. I could be in here!” Then it turned into a bloody book list! Bugger! Foiled again!
    Mind you it was a very funny book list. I do wonder about you sometimes Lily Moose. Such strange musical and reading tastes. Where do you find them? Surely not on your book shelves

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, I knew you would appreciate a kink Mr D. The gimp costume kind of gives it away.
      Heehee, maybe I should start a Older Man Collection, to go with my records, books and films.
      Anyway, don’t worry about me. My therapist and some class A drugs takes care of all that. And yes, I do have a few oddities lining my book shelves. 🙂

      Like

    • Just what was Nancy Drew doing with those Hardy Boys??

      Well, if you don’t want to ooze for your lord Susan, you could try flowing for your lord, discharging for your lord, sweating for your lord and exuding for your lord, all of them just as worthy as oozing.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Somewhere I’d consigned Capt WE Johns’ Biggles to the dustbin of memory – I now remember as a 10 year old his books being some of the first I ever read for myself… he opened up the literary world for me much like Mr H Potter esq and his band of spell binding friends did for my son years later

    Liked by 1 person

    • An edited list of Biggles highlights from Wikipedia….

      The Camels Are Coming (1932)
      Biggles Sees It Through (1941)
      Biggles Delivers the Goods (1946)
      Biggles Gets His Men (1950)
      Another Job for Biggles (1951)
      Biggles Works It Out (1952)
      Biggles Takes the Case (1952)
      Biggles Follows On (1952)
      Biggles in the Blue (1953)
      No Rest for Biggles (1956)
      Biggles Takes Charge (1956)
      Biggles Presses On (1958)
      Biggles on Mystery Island (1958)
      Biggles Buries a Hatchet (1958)
      Biggles and the Poor Rich Boy (1960)
      Biggles Goes Alone (1962)
      Biggles Takes It Rough (1963)
      Biggles Takes a Hand (1963)
      Biggles and the Black Mask (1964)
      Biggles Scores a Bull (1965)
      Biggles Sorts It Out (1967)
      Biggles in the Underworld (1968)
      Biggles and the Little Green God (1969)
      Biggles and the Noble Lord (1969)
      Biggles Sees Too Much (1970)

      Liked by 2 people

    • Heehee, that’s all the reaction that that book needs Frank. Spawn’s reaction was to close his eyes, shake his head and then mutter something about the world being full of sick people. Apparently, I’m included.

      Like

  4. Lily, those oldies are hysterical! Love what you wrote for all of them and the way you segued from one to the other. Biggles the war pilot and all American adventurer cracked me up appearing in such classics as “The Boob” (love what you did with the word “fiction” in that paragraph). Oozing for My Lord…ooh, I hear nuns turning in their graves LOL! That Randy Boy up in the tree watching his mother shower…oh look, boobs!…oops, falls out of the tree LOL! Who while drunk or high has not wondered Why Cats Paint…ha!! Then found out and got drunk again!! So drunk they peeked under Baby Elmo’s washcloth! I’m having too much fun with this, thanks for the laughs!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • So sorry for the delay in replying Madilyn. Growing migraines and a wayward computer have become the bane of my existence…wow, I really am quite dramatic, aren’t I?
      The title of those Biggles books, are like the gift that just keeps on giving and as for Oozing For My Lord, I suggest that if there is any oozing going on, then the oozer should get themselves off to a hospital asap. I think those Randy Boy tales should be re-titled, Boys In Need Of Therapy Tales and those cats should just stick to painting by numbers. And what can we say about Elmo and what’s underneath his washcloth, without getting banned from the internet for life. Glad you’re enjoying these as much as I enjoy writing them. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lily, I totally understand! Some bloggers don’t even reply to comments so I really appreciate that do and please don’t ever worry about any delays. Migraines are the worst, I get them sometimes, sinus migraines, ugh! Hope you’re feeling better!! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

        • Bless you Madilyn. Ooh, bloggers that don’t reply to comments are one of my pet hates. I always think that if someone takes the time to leave a comment, then they deserve a reply, even if it’s just a smiley face.

          Sinus migraines are terrible. Unfortunately, migraines are hereditary in my family, so poor Spawn suffers with them as well. But I am feeling much better thanks. Another couple of days and that horrible residue feeling should be gone. 🙂

          Liked by 2 people

  5. Some random comments about both your post and the beautiful, poetic commentary that followed: 1. I don’t know how I missed this post. I’m blaming inattentive parenting in some form. 2. This “Biggles” thing has me simply agog. Who in their right mind approved those titles? J. Edgar Hoover? 3. Oozing for My Lord? I don’t think I need to add anything here. I believe enough damage has been done to Betty Carolyn Hearon-Love, whose convoluted name alone is an obvious cry for help. 4. I think it’s appropriate that the “Why Cats Paint” photo is a bit blurry, making it a little off-putting, because we should never encourage anyone to read such a book, and even then you would have to consider the worthiness of the lives involved. 5. I have just downloaded the entire “Randy Boys” back catalog, but I have run a program to change all of the female character names to male monikers, because if you’re going to get twisted, you might as well go all out…

    Liked by 1 person

    • 1. Inattentive parenting is the 99% cause of most blog posts going unread. I read that in the “Inattentive Parenting Is The 99% Cause For Most Blog Posts Going Unread Journal.’
      2. I’m guessing that whoever approved the Biggles titles, knew of his latent desires.
      3.Betty Carolyn Hearon-Love probably needs to douche properly and then maybe she wouldn’t ooze for the Lord so much.
      4.That photo was taken by a cat, which proves my point.
      5.Okay, this made me laugh so much, that I felt compelled to use the acronyms LOL, PMSL and ROTFL. You twisted twisted man. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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