Hell Hath No Chocolate For A Woman Scorned.

As many of you do not know, my older brother is a pastor (yes, we do come from the same mother) and as such, feels it is his duty to point out the many many errors of my ways. And because my brother is a good man, (the only wicked thing about him is his sense of humour)I decided a few years ago to accept my his invitation to attend a church service…and no, I did not spontaneously combust into flames on coming into contact with consecrated ground.
Now this planned visit wasn’t to do with any cathartic episodes on my part. There were no sudden crisis of faith, nor was there a sense of wanting to quell the iniquitous tide of the past. No, this was simply to do with something that my older brother had said during a recent conversation. A conversation in which he detailed the very likelihood of my being bound for the nether world. It was a conversation so horrifying, that it had me thinking about the direction that I had been taking in life and the changes that I needed to make in order to rectify my indiscretions… before it became to late…

The Conversation…

“Lily, as your brother, I’m only telling you this because I love you. But if you carry on the way that you’ve been going and don’t seek to change your wicked and quite frankly, hedonistic ways, then at the dawning of the new millennium when the second coming is reaped upon us, you shall  forever be cast into the fiery flames of hell.”

“Meh, at least It’ll be warm.”

“I’m serious. In fact I think that Satan may have a special place reserved just for you because of the very nature of  your sins.”

“Yaay! Free accommodation!”

“Laugh all you want lil sis but when the day of judgement comes upon you, your soul will be lost forever.”

“Along with my house keys, mobile phone, child, virginity, faith in humanity. Jesus, no blasphemy intended, I’m always loosing things.”

My brother then paused, no doubt taking in the aura of blackness that surrounded the darkness of my soul and realising that he was getting nowhere in his approach, decided to use a different tactic. A tactic that would soon have me quaking in fear and wishing desperately to see the light.

“Lily, you do know that there is no chocolate in hell don’t you?”

“WHAT THE FUCK?? SHUT UP!!”

“Really? You kiss our mother with that mouth?! Seriously Lily,  imagine an eternity without chocolate. Go on, try to imagine it.”

At this point, I begun to imagine thus but I could not. The thought seemed too absurd and too abhorrent to even contemplate. Sweat beaded my brow and my breath grew shallow. My head felt heavy with the burden of such cognition and soon my legs, which had been trembling slightly, gave way from beneath me. As my brother reached out to support my frail frame, I  gripped him tightly in my despair and openly wept at the hopelessness of spending such perpetuity. Without chocolate, it would be an horrendous and futile existence. An infinity devoid of milky goodness and arteries that hardened at the unwrapping of a Snickers duo. This was not the kind of immortality that I had in mind.

“Can you imagine it Lil? No assortment of mini chocolate selections, no peanut M&Ms or Mars duo and definitely and most certainly,  no Cadbury’s milk chocolate.”

By now I was in utter disbelief. I could not bear to hear such harsh words, words that seem to flow with ease from his cruel twisted lips. And so I let fly in a fit of rage at this apparent falsehood

“YOU LIE! You’re suppose to be a man of god, yet here you stand before me sprouting words of pure wickedness!”  I inhaled deeply as I sought to calm myself but the overwhelming tide of panic threatened to engulf me, as tears clouded my vision. “Like none at all?”  I was now sobbing uncontrollably. “Not even those kinder buenos with the cream and the wafer biscuit? I mean that stuff is revolting, truly disgusting. I mean if we’re talking about things that are truly evil, then surely those can only be the work of  Beelzebub himself?”

“Nope.”

“You are shitting me?? But chocolate makes up part of my staple diet.”

“Lily, chocolate IS your staple diet, and there are sewers cleaner then your mouth. Stop swearing. I’m sorry sis but that’s the truth, there’s no chocolate in hell. Only those who are pure of heart and clean of mind get to receive the heavenly bounty that is confectionery…oh and also those who still have a soul, the soulless can’t eat chocolate…it gives them cramps.”

“But doesn’t chocolate come under the remit of sin? After all it encourages gluttony, sloth, greed and wrath, especially when some twat tries to steal my Cluster bar…hey, is aggravated assault one of the deadly sins? Cos last time that Sandra tried to pinch my Whole Nut, I almost punched her in the boob.”

“I didn’t though. Oh how I’ve missed Sandra over the years. No matter how carefully I aim the car, the bitch still manages to jump the way.”

“What?? It was a WHOLE NUT!”

“And this is EXACTLY why you are going to hell! Seriously, there are truckers who are embarrassed by your foul mouth. Look sis, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that Satan is too cheap to spring for a packet of Malteser and a few Penguin Bars…though I do believe that he does have Brussels sprouts in hell…and in abundance.”

“SACRILEGE!! WHY ON EARTH WOULD SOMEONE UNLEASH SUCH HORROR UPON THE WORLD? IS THERE NOT ENOUGH SUFFERING AS IT IS? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? FOR THE LOVE OF MANKIND, WON’T SOMEBODY THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN??”

“Yep, you’re definitely burning in the fires of Hades. (Sighs heavily) But you’re right, who would unleash such horror upon the world? Satan that’s who. Remember, this is the being responsible for wars, famine, Paris Hilton and Star Wars The Phantom Menace. Why does he do it? Because he is evil that’s why. So, are you going to come to church with me on Sunday then?”

“Meh, might as well. There’s nothing good on TV on a Sundays anyway. Will there be chocolate?”

 “WE’RE GOING TO THE HOUSE OF GOD, NOT WILLY WONKA’S SODDING CHOCOLATE FACTORY!”

“Whoa! Whatever happened to patience being a virtue? By the way bro, we might have a slight incy wincy, teenie weenie bit of a problem.”

“Oh good lord, please take her now! What is it Lil?”

“Erm, is there really any truth in the fact that those who are  cursed by evil, will combust spontaneously on coming into contact with anything built on consecrated grounds?”

“Er…why do you ask?”

“Yo.”

~Lily