Hail The Mighty Spawn, For Tis His Birthing Day!

The day of judgement will soon be upon us.

Even now, the Beast walks amongst us, awaiting the very moment of our destruction and the day when the dead shall arise. 

 The earth will split in two, as the fiery pits of hell spew forth like molten lava, cascading through the streets like a river of blood.

The moon will bleed it’s colour of menstrual violence and the blasphemers will throw open their arms and rejoice in sadistic pleasure as they call his name.

And although the hour of darkness is not quite near, it is close…well actually, it might take another twenty years give or take. And although the second coming is imminent, he’s still got homework to do.

Seriously world, I am honestly trying my utmost best to raise spawn to be an an upfront and outstanding pillar of the community. But once the battle between heaven and hell begins, then world, you are on your own.

Maybe we all should have a little fear in our hearts and a little quake in our boots.

I’m not sure if I should be glad  or indeed mortified that he has such high ambitions as world domination, either way, I’ll still probably have some harsh words to say about it.

30 years into the future…

“Excuse me sire, it’s your mother. She’s on the phone, almighty beast that walks the earth leaving catastrophe and destruction in his wake.”

“Evil minion, how many times have I told you not to interrupt me when I’m working?”

“But master, she told me to tell you that it was urgent, spewer of filth and ruler of lies.”

“Ah, very well, (sighs heavily) Put her through.”

“Yes sire, corrupter of souls and destroyer of the innocent.”

“Hey ma. Look, I can’t talk for long. I’ve got a ton of things to…”

“What! So you can’t call your mother? Ten hours I spent in labour with you. TEN LONG HOURS! And I almost  bled to death. I carried you for 9 whole months and it wasn’t easy squeezing such a large head through a hole the size of  a pin. Oh the agony! And this is how you repay me. The years I’ve spent…”

“Ma, can we do this another time. I’m really quite busy.”

“Oh busy are you? And what are you so busy with that you cannot call your own mother? What is it that is so important that you can’t take 5 minutes out of your busy schedule to speak to me, the woman that bore you…huh?”

“Ma you know how hard it is destroying the masses and trying to leave a trail of death and carnage in my wake. It’s not like this is a regular 9 to 5 job. It’s all day, everyday, 24/7. It’s taken a lot of hard work corrupting the weak and battling the forces between good and evil…Oh, God says hi by the way, he’s doing well for himself. Got millions of followers…and that’s on Twitter alone.”

“Oh, I liked God, such a lovely boy. Could never understand why you two fell out in the first place. You could do with a positive influence like that in your life…I bet he calls his mother!”

“Hee Hee.”

“Ma! You’re embarrassing me in the front of the evil minions! And anyway, we fell out because he was a wuss.”

“Well, now he’s a successful wuss. Honestly son, I know that you’ve had your heart set on this world domination thing ever since you were born. All those times you lied or stole stood you in good stead for the job ahead. Even as I look back on all the times that you tried relentlessly to kill me, never once giving up, I could tell then, that this was your chosen path, the thing that would define you as you. But is it too much to that you call your poor old mother once in a while?”

“Look ma, once you’re dead, we’ll have plenty of time to spend together. I’ve even got a place especially reserved for you here in hell. You’ll love it.”

“Pah! That fiery pit that you call a home?! Meh! It’s too over crowded down there for my liking and it always smells like brimstone. And besides, you always leave the heating on way too high and you know how I can’t  stand to be too hot. Look baby, just come  round for dinner. I’ll make your favourite, Shepard’s pie…with real Shepard…hmm? Just pop down on Sunday and we can have a nice chat…”

“Ooh, I can’t do Sundays, Sundays are my busiest days…”

“I’m sure that that nice God, would have taken some time out to go and visit his mother. Such a lovely boy, always…”

“OK OK! Sunday it is! Jeez, there really is no rest for the wicked!!”

He may be evil folks, and even though he’d still like to kill me and watch as Buzzards feast upon my intestines, he’s my evil and the absolute love of my life. Happy Birthday Spawn. xx

~Lily