Hail The Mighty Spawn, For Tis His Birthing Day!

The day of judgement will soon be upon us.

Even now, the Beast walks amongst us, awaiting the very moment of our destruction and the day when the dead shall arise. 

 The earth will split in two, as the fiery pits of hell spew forth like molten lava, cascading through the streets like a river of blood.

The moon will bleed it’s colour of menstrual violence and the blasphemers will throw open their arms and rejoice in sadistic pleasure as they call his name.

And although the hour of darkness is not quite near, it is close…well actually, it might take another twenty years give or take. And although the second coming is imminent, he’s still got homework to do.

Seriously world, I am honestly trying my utmost best to raise spawn to be an an upfront and outstanding pillar of the community. But once the battle between heaven and hell begins, then world, you are on your own.

Maybe we all should have a little fear in our hearts and a little quake in our boots.

I’m not sure if I should be glad  or indeed mortified that he has such high ambitions as world domination, either way, I’ll still probably have some harsh words to say about it.

30 years into the future…

evil-minion

“Excuse me sire, it’s your mother. She’s on the phone, almighty beast that walks the earth leaving catastrophe and destruction in his wake.”

1f2f1-evil

“Evil minion, how many times have I told you not to interrupt me when I’m working?”

evil-minion

“But master, she told me to tell you that it was urgent, spewer of filth and ruler of lies.”

1f2f1-evil

“Ah, very well, (sighs heavily) Put her through.”

evil-minion

Yes sire, corrupter of souls and destroyer of the innocent.”

1f2f1-evil

“Hey ma. Look, I can’t talk for long. I’ve got a ton of things to…”

54af7-jessica

What! So you can’t call your mother? Ten hours I spent in labour with you. TEN LONG HOURS! And I almost  bled to death. I carried you for 9 whole months and it wasn’t easy squeezing such a large head through a hole the size of  a pin. Oh the agony! And this is how you repay me. The years I’ve spent…”

1f2f1-evil

“Ma, can we do this another time. I’m really quite busy.”

54af7-jessica

“Oh busy are you? And what are you so busy with that you cannot call your own mother? What is it that is so important that you can’t take 5 minutes out of your busy schedule to speak to me, the woman that bore you…huh?”

1f2f1-evil

“Ma you know how hard it is destroying the masses and trying to leave a trail of death and carnage in my wake. It’s not like this is a regular 9 to 5 job. It’s all day, everyday, 24/7. It’s taken a lot of hard work corrupting the weak and battling the forces between good and evil…Oh, God says hi by the way, he’s doing well for himself. Got millions of followers…and that’s on Twitter alone.”

54af7-jessica

“Oh, I liked God, such a lovely boy. Could never understand why you two fell out in the first place. You could do with a positive influence like that in your life…I bet he calls his mother!”

evil-minion

“Hee Hee.”

1f2f1-evil

“Ma! You’re embarrassing me in the front of the evil minions! And anyway, we fell out because he was a wuss.”

54af7-jessica

“Well, now he’s a successful wuss. Honestly son, I know that you’ve had your heart set on this world domination thing ever since you were born. All those times you lied or stole stood you in good stead for the job ahead. Even as I look back on all the times that you tried relentlessly to kill me, never once giving up, I could tell then, that this was your chosen path, the thing that would define you as you. But is it too much to that you call your poor old mother once in a while?”

1f2f1-evil

“Look ma, once you’re dead, we’ll have plenty of time to spend together. I’ve even got a place especially reserved for you here in hell. You’ll love it.”

54af7-jessica

“Pah! That fiery pit that you call a home?! Meh! It’s too over crowded down there for my liking and it always smells like brimstone. And besides, you always leave the heating on way too high and you know how I can’t  stand to be too hot. Look baby, just come  round for dinner. I’ll make your favourite, Shepard’s pie…with real Shepard…hmm? Just pop down on Sunday and we can have a nice chat…”

1f2f1-evil

“Ooh, I can’t do Sundays, Sundays are my busiest days…”

54af7-jessica

“I’m sure that that nice God, would have taken some time out to go and visit his mother. Such a lovely boy, always…”

1f2f1-evil

“OK OK! Sunday it is! Jeez, there really is no rest for the wicked!!”

He may be evil folks, and even though he’d still like to kill me and watch as Buzzards feast upon my intestines, he’s my evil and the absolute love of my life. Happy Birthday Spawn. xx

~Lily

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32 thoughts on “Hail The Mighty Spawn, For Tis His Birthing Day!

  1. It’s our grandson Jacob’s birthday today, too. He’s turning seventeen, but I’m afraid he’s never had anything close to the high aspirations as your Spawn has. 🙂

    Loved your post, as always. I hope the love of your life has a wonderful birthday.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Many Happy Returns to your grandson Jacob, which is incidentally the name of Spawn’s therapist. Not sure how I feel about the day my womb-fruit turns seventeen. If he’s this bad now, I might have to call in an exorcist for that particular birthday.

      Thanking you very much kind lady. 🙂

      Like

  2. Enjoy your birthdays while you can Spawn (oh mighty ruler of the underworld) ‘cos the older you get, the more naff the cards…. and fewer cards at that.
    I got seven cards this year and 4 of them had pictures of monkeys on them.
    MORE THAN HALF of people who care enough to remind me that I am getting closer to the grave think its a good idea to point out that I resemble a chimp/gorilla hybrid!

    That’s what life gets you… insults. (… now i think of, maybe i am getting bitter in my old age)

    Pfft… other people.

    I can’t wait for the day you finally rule these idiots Master Spawn and show them what’s what.

    Happy Birthday.

    Liked by 2 people

    • YOU FOOL, MR HOGART, YOU FOOL. Monkeys? Do I look like I cater to the needs of the elderly, kicking rabbits in the face, attending The Club and hanging out with the maidens of the brothel,with their wanton Vagina’s everywhere. No, in fact I shall make it known to you that one of My birthday Cards this year did indeed include a picture of the fables Aye Aye.
      You, bitter, would have never thought so, but yeah, ‘Other People’.
      The day I rule the idiots will be a mighty one, but don’t think that I won’t swipe you away at the swipe of a swiping Aye Aye’s middle finger, I think I shall make you my new fool. Yes…yes that sits nicely with me…yes…
      yes…
      Soon…

      Like

  3. Oooooo I am a bit busy tonight so I will return tomorrow, but a happy birthday Master Meglos and I hope all those plans to rule the world go well . . . . . lets face it, it is in a mess so what could you do to make it worse. . . . OK cats with lasers and stuff like that . . . . and death sausages

    Ok back tomorrow all being well

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, Mr Z Tobor, no-one did mention Death Sausages till now, no, but I do so admire your Moxy, my good lad.What I do not so admire, sir, are the images that come to mind regarding the original Death Sausages from what Mother has just told to me. Bad Mental Images, Mr Rob Z Tobor, Bad.
      AND I SHALL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT CATS WITH LASERS WILL NOT MAKE THE WORLD WORSE BUT WILL TRANSFORM IT INTO A BETTER ONE.
      As will the flying eggs of the Apocalypse, the badgers of doom and Skunk Anus Of The Bowels Of The Hellfire itself.
      That being said, a Hefty many thanks to you for the Uterine Expulsion Day Sentiments, and I shall see you in Hell, or whatever the good one is, I Never know.

      From Spawn

      Like

      • Well Master Meglos as I listen to the news each day and it appears to go from bad to worse I can only think that of all the evils that could happen you might be the nicest one there is. (That is meant in a nice way) . . . Have I mentioned that my very occasional quiz team is called the Dormice of Doom we could beat those Badgers of Doom easy as long as we dont have to answer questions on TV soaps (not as in soap).

        Chase those dreams Master Spawn and always remember your enemies hate it if you are nice to them, honest it winds them up big style. More folk really need to learn to be nice to their enemies.

        Liked by 1 person

        • For all his evil, The little man has spent the last two weeks doing work experience in my old workplace. The fact that a two year old wants to marry him, that both pockets of his jacket were ripped after a bunch of year 1 kids chased him around the playground to hug him, and that all the kids from nursery through to year 6 love him, I’m guessing that his goodness far outweighs the evil. So yep, he might just be the better option.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Happy Birthday to Spawn, Future Mighty Ruler of the Dark Universe!! World domination is a lofty goal but I’ve no doubt Spawn will one day achieve it. Lookout world. “And although the second coming is imminent, he’s still got homework to do.” LOL!

    This is a great mother and son conversation, Lily! Even the very busy “corrupter of souls and destroyer of the innocent” needs to call his mother. 🙂 Btw, the evil minion here reminds me of the Purple People Eater from the song ha ha!

    Liked by 2 people

    • A good future ruler needs a good education. How else can he plan which countries to invade? (Geography) Which percentage of the population lives, dies, or are enslaved. (statistics) And how to create those damned cats with laser beam and X ray vision. (science)

      Thanks Madilyn. 🙂

      Dammit! It took me over a week to get that song out of my head and now it’s back again!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. “and the absolute love of my life.” – HUH, knew you had a soft spot for him 😉

    PS Happy Birthday Spawn.
    (Personally I have to say I really don’t want you to achieve your ambitions – I like my quiet corner of the world. Of course, if you can find it in your black heart to spare this small portion I might revise my opinion.)
    PPS; Not that it really matters as the Universe rarely takes advice from me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No, she doesn’t have any sort of soft spot for me, she lies, of course she does. She lies all the time, nothing that ever comes out of her mouth is a truthsie, no, no, my dear girl this woman only sprouts forth pure falsifies of the highest order, yes I say the HIGHEST.

      In response to fun, happy bracket times, yes, yes my Lady, yes. I may indeed so find it in my heart to spare you and your corner but only so that you can become the new minister of The Death Pacman, who lives in a labyrinth and eats the ghosts and terrifies them and collects skulls instead of whatever that weird stuff is in the original game that obviously induces mild…Hmm, shall we call them ‘Trips’?
      Many thanks for your Uterine Expulsion Day sentiments, the are most greatly appreciated,

      Don’t worry about the Universe not taking advice from you, once you become the new High Minister, yes I’ve upgraded the position now, I will give you all the Owls of Death that you need to wreak havoc upon T’world.

      From Spawn himself

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh Spawn, I am humbled that you noticed me. I hope the owls won’t be upset about the Cats of Destruction Who Haven’t Been Fed by 5pm. They perhaps should stay in their Crypt/Perch till after 5pm.

        Like

  6. Curses! Late to the party again. You did have a party didn’t you? Well, late though it may be, Happy Bathday. I have to say that looking at the photos your mum took of you 30 years from now, you haven’t aged at all. How does your mum do that? Is she dating that Dr Who bloke again? Must be nice to have your boyfriend morph into someone else every few months, especially if its that Cabbagepatch fella who apparently is quite attractive. My personal favourite was the chap who retired from being a Time Lord and became a scarecrow instead. Good career move if you ask me. Anyway, I hope you had a perfectly splendid time and I’m sure all your future plans to rule the world, if not the Universe, turn out just fine.

    Like

  7. Curses! Late again. Never mind. A belated Happy Bathday to you. Looking at the photos your mum took of you 30 years into the future, I have to say you haven’t aged at all. Your mum still looks like a spring chicken too! How does she do that? Is she dating that Dr Who bloke again? Must be nice to have a boyfriend who morphs into someone different every few months especially if it’s that Cabbagepatch bloke who I’m told is a jolly handsome chap. My personal favourite is the one who retired from being a Time Lord and became a scarecrow instead. Good career move.
    Anyway, I hope you had a perfectly splendid birthday and I hope all your dreams of World domination come true. To an extent.

    Like

  8. Well, Sunday is Father’s Day and I’ll join the millions of Dads in the ranks of the ignored. They just don’t appreciate the amount of effort required to generate an erection and spew forth sperm in conception phase of procreation. What if the egg donor is ovulating, or is non-fertile? Then you’ve wasted all those perfectly good seed for nothing. Might as well have sprayed them into a napkin or bowl of Cheerios.

    Like

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