Dick Licks A Sausage And Other Children’s Tales.

Now anyone who knows me, also knows that I’m a bit of a size Queen. This means that when I hold that special something in my hands, I like to feel the weight of it. In fact the bigger the better is a motto that I often live by, and if it’s hard as well, then I’m in seventh Heaven.
There is something just so beautiful about having something firm and solid within my grasp. The way it feels as I run my fingers along it’s length and finger it’s girth, is almost magical.
The power of a good book is a wondrous thing, for inside each printed paper of those bounded covers, lurks a treasure waiting to be discovered…unless we’re talking about the books listed below, in which case, like buried treasure, they deserve to remain buried…like my ex…

The first book in my literary collection, is all about family togetherness. Family time is an important time and as the saying goes, “the family who plays together, is more likely to think about killing the other family members whilst they’re fast asleep in bed.” To combat such conflict, the family should spend the entire day in one another’s company, preferably in close proximity and in one room. There they can partake in the joys of indoor rounders, which is a bit like baseball, practice their knife juggling skills, or improve on their golf swing. So make sure to have those bats, knives and tees ready and waiting whilst you’re enclosed with your kin for twenty-four hours in a cramped room and with nowhere to escape to. What could possibly go wrong? Failing that, there is always the internet and as we all know, surfing the World Wide Web can be a lit of a learning experience as well as fun for all.

surfing

Here is a lovely little book about Dick. Dick likes to lick meat and there is nothing that he enjoys more then the taste of a sausage. This gem of a tale has some glorious illustrations showing Dick hidden underneath a table just waiting to be fed some of that delicious meat.

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The next two books…

Mrs.-Mills-Come-to-My-Party-344x350

Er…Mrs Mills, the post about what’s in my record collection went out on Monday. So if you could kindly exit the page, I would be most grateful. Thank you.

Sorry for the interruption folks. Now where was I? Ah yes, the next two books details the love between two boys and their pets. First up is this charming story about…

rover

Oh..oh dear…um…let’s…er…skip onto the second book shall we? Peter and his pet sheep Prunella,  charts the relationship between Peter and…

weird-children-books-37__605

I…I…er…erm…I think it’s probably best to leave that there…
Next up in my collection of classic tales is a…

mrs.mills.russconway-letshaveapartywithmrs.millsandrussconway(2)

For the love of Morgan Freeman! Mrs Mills, how many times must I tell you that I am not interested in any of your parties? You do know that I still have a restraining order with your name on it. don’t you? This all too much. The music post is already done so can you please kindly desist with all this nonsense!

Anyway, as I was saying, next up in my collection of classic tales is a book that introduces children to the wonderful world of cooking.

meth

Teach Me To Cook Meth is a cornucopia of recipes which includes Home Brew Heroin, Shake n Bake Crystal Meth and Cocaine Crackling.

mills1

Mrs Mills, I don’t know what you’ve been imbibing or how you even manage to fund all these parties on your pension, but I am sick and tired of this harassment. Must I file a Public Offences Order against you…again?

Play is the theme for the last book in my collection. Play, I’m sure you’ll all agree, is a vital part of the childhood experience. I myself still love playing with balls of all sizes and colours and despite the one incident where I had a ball land squarely on my face, it still didn’t deter my love of ball games. This wonderful tome is all about the pleasurable joy that one gets from playing with a nice set of balls. Let us read a few of the pages.

balls1

See how polite they all are? It is always customary to ask whether one wants to play with your balls or not. Never force your balls upon anyone.

balls2

Heehee, it’s always fun to watch a dog licking balls. So cute.

balls3

Aww, look how pleased he looks at being told about his sizeable balls, and from the picture, he really does have quite big balls that anyone would be proud of.

balls6

Look at Louie offering his services to Sam. Only a good friend would let another handle his balls. How Marvellous.

And that’s all we have time for today folks. Join me once more where I shall be looking at…

mm

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!

~Lily

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25 thoughts on “Dick Licks A Sausage And Other Children’s Tales.

    • I knew that old bint couldn’t stay away for long. She’s a bit like thrush in that you can get rid of her, but there’s always a chance that she’ll return.

      Ssh, there are young people on this…oh…you meant an ACTUAL sausage. My bad…

      Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Gweenie, remember a time long long long ago, when blogging was a simple act and didn’t render one a graduate of a full frontal lobotomy? Where have those days gone Gweenie? WHERE?! Er…what I meant to say was, thank you. 🙂

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  1. HA! So the persistent Mrs. Mills is back. Guess she’s trying to keep you in line, huh? Alas, with all the balls you’re juggling, that may not be an easy task. (Not that ball-juggling is easy, either. Some men are just so attached to them…)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Like a venereal disease, Mrs Mills is never really truly gone. And men are very attached to their balls…football, baseball, golf balls etc. But it’s like the famous quote says, “one ball in the hand is worth two in the b…” Wait…I think I may have gotten that quote wrong…

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  2. Ooh, I missed the opening of your box, I’ll have to trim my nails and and a good thumb through after writing this next sentence….

    Nope, sorry. Lost my train of thought there…. Don’t know how THAT happened.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I believe that you were writing about thumbing through my box, just before you spaced out. Thank you for trimming your nails before fingering my box. I do so hate having a scratched box.

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  3. We all love a bit of Mrs Mills, but I closed my eyes again after book one . . . . . . You are very naughty Miss Lily. I will say I can understand now why reading books always seemed so wrong when I was young, burying myself in the bosom of Mrs Mills for comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Heehee, the first person I ALWAYS think about when writing a post like this, is you Mr Z. I feel like a naughty schoolgirl, but there’s something very comforting in the way that you gently scold me that I quite enjoy and which always makes me smile.

      I’m pretty sure that Mrs Mills for all her cheerfulness, would take umbrage at you burying yourself in the comfort of her bosom.

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  4. Omg.. If anyone has ever wondered if it’s possible to shoot coffee out of your mouth and nose WHILE you pee your pants. The answer to that question is YES! Holy fuck Lily… You gotta’ give a person a moment to breathe in between bodily expulsions! – I.DIED!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha! Revenge is sweet. Now you know just exactly what I go through when I read your posts. Although I haven’t done all three at the same time…yet.

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  5. Lily, where do you find this stuff, again it’s priceless!! A family surfing together for porn brings new meaning to “family closeness” (and now, surely I am going straight to hell, as Sister Mary Agnes always predicted LOL!!) There’s Dick, so happy with his licks ha ha, guess someone didn’t think things through when they titled that children’s book (ooh, or maybe they did!). What perv illustrated the Rover book and what exactly are we teaching here? Same for poor lonely Peter and his sheep, yikes. And Alice and her drug cornucopia as she cooks for mommy ha! Then time to party with the way too inviting Mrs. Mills. Has anybody ever searched her closets for the missing? “For the love of Morgan Freeman” indeed! Look at those faces on “It’s Party Time!” I swear, everyone but Mrs. Mills is dead and now a zombie!! Playing with balls is fun, er, I mean playing ball ha ha; that book is hysterical. Lily, this post was so much fun, made my day!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Madilyn, I find this stuff because I spend FAR too much time surfing the internet. And never mind about Sister Mary Agnes. Nuns are evil, that’s why they wear habits, to hide their cloven hooves and forked tails…uh-oh…I think I might be accompanying you to the dark side.
      I really really really hope that Rover’s owner isn’t teaching Rover what I think he’s teaching Rover. In which case, that kid will be accompanying us both to Hades. As for Peter, I’m trying to erase that whole image from my mind.
      Mrs Mills has overtaken me as the ultimate stalker. And now that you mention it, why is she so intent on getting me to come to one of her parties? OH MY MORGAN FREEMAN! Are those people the ghosts of her murderous killing spree??
      Thanks as always Madilyn. You’re comments ALWAYS make my day. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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