Lily The Domestic Goddess. Who Doesn’t Love Maggot Cheese?

Whilst reading through some online recipes, I came across Paul Bocuse’s Poularde de Bresse truffee en vessie, which is essentially chicken with truffles, stuffed in a bladder. Now what or whose bladder is being stuffed I have no idea, or even what got Monsieur Bocuse’s so pissed off that he felt the need to insert a muscular organ with poultry and a type of fungi. What I do know is that cooking just got a whole lot more complicated. For some recipes, not only can the ingredients solely be sourced from countries such as Kazakhstan or Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmahintarayutthayamahadilokph
opnopparatrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamornphimarnavatarnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprasit,Thailand, but once you get your bountiful booty safely back home, you then need to take six weeks off work in order to prepare your starter.

It appears that nowadays, the average television viewer has become saturated by the deluge of cookery programmes currently being screened both here and in the US. Furthermore, a plethora of culinary chefs, including the likes of Heston Blumenthal, Gordon Ramsey and of course Bocuse himself, have made everyday cooking a thing of the past. With dishes that often contain such obscure items like Whale Phlegm, alongside programmes entitled “Hell, I ain’t eating it unless it has a face,” they have shown that you can make a veritable feast out of virtually anything…especially if you have either a cast iron stomach, a strong desire for death, or enjoy the taste of your own vomit.
So along with a few pictures of some culinary delights from around the world, I thought I’d invent a dish of my own. Bon Appetit.

Step One
For this particular recipe, you will need the breath of an extinct bird, preferable one from the lost city of Atlantis. Failing that, any extinct bird will do just as well.

egg

They may look innocent enough, but these Chinese Offerings are called ‘Tong Zi Dan. (Virgin boy eggs) They’re not actually made of virgin boys, that would be absurd. No, they’re just boiled in the urine of school boys. Hungry yet?.

Step Two
First bake the breath of the extinct bird by performing the Macarena at regular intervals whilst standing in front of the oven. This will take approximately an hour and half, plus a further 3 years on a gas mark no higher than the sun.

eyeball

Tuna eyeballs from Japan. Sorry, but I’m not eating anything that looks at me with that much contempt.

Step Three
To ensure that your bird breath is thoroughly cooked through, you must be sure to perform the Macarena whilst also doing the Hokey Pokey after about a year. This allows for that fine, crisp finish and golden glaze.

witchety_2537570k

The Wichita Grub from Australia. Hmm, reminds me of an ex for some reason…

Step Four
Next, Serve on a bed of mashed potatoes. The potatoes must be the original spuds first brought to England by Sir Walter Raleigh and given as a present to Queen Elizabeth the first. In order to make sure that the potatoes are mashed to the right consistency, you must get them to recite the alphabet in the Lost Language Of The Cranes, whilst doing back-flips.

maggot cheese

This rather tasty looking dish from Italy, is called ‘Casu Marzu’ otherwise known as maggot cheese. Apparently the little critters can survive the gut and burrow into the intestines. Well it’s been a long time since I’ve had anything burrowing inside me, so I might just give it a go.

Step Five
Once the potatoes have finished reciting the alphabet, kiss them better whilst asking for forgiveness and smoke both the bird breath of extinction and the mash on a pile of wood-chip gathered from the wreckage of the Titanic.
Once the wood-chips are thoroughly ashamed of themselves, join both the bird breath of extinction and potatoes in holy matrimony and plate up.

shirako

Another dish from Japan. This one is called Shirako, which is just another way to say cod’s sperm sack. Apparently it’s very good for the skin…well that’s what my last boyfriend told me…

Step Six
Finally, serve with a lovely glass of Pinot Grigio which has been previously chilled, then passed through the bladder of a Yak, in order to bring out it’s full bodied flavour and enjoy.

Further recipes can be found in ‘Lily’s Big Book Of Further Recipes, That Come In The Form Of A Big Book And Which Contains Further Recipes.’ And the delightful ‘Two sprigs of lettuce and some Jus sauce does make a meal. An anorexic guide to culinary cooking,’ written by former model, Amma Bull Lemic.

~Lily
Recipe plagiarised from myself in a post I wrote back in 2013

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42 thoughts on “Lily The Domestic Goddess. Who Doesn’t Love Maggot Cheese?

    • Claudette, I just don’t get the whole cooking a meal for 10 hours, only for it to be consumed within minutes.Or the obscure food items that can only be purchased from a passing Mongolian herdsman I subscribe to my mum’s way of cooking. No measuring, no weighing, no following recipes. Just chuck in all in a pan/pot, season liberally and then bake/boil/fry. None of that ‘drunken shrimps on a pillow of saffron stuffed with magic fairy dust.’Actually, that sounds like it might taste quite nice…

      Liked by 2 people

    • I almost did the same when my mum explained what it was. I felt betrayed and deceived by her holding on to such vital information about such a tasty treat…so I did exactly the same thing to Spawn many years later. I thought he was going to pass out! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Well I am glad my lunch was veggie from the chai shop in the local town. I know that us humans have it fairly good as a species what with us being top of the food chain so we can eat anything we fancy. But some things should not be eaten and eating them just because we can is not a good reason. I mean if I was starving and all there was to eat was a veterinarian covered in peanut butter and maybe a little honey then well I would eat them because I am hungry but luckily I can have my peanut butter and honey on toast.

    I’m sure the modern trends in food are to do with people attempting to be elitist, sort of. . . Damien and I only eat organic butterfly wings caught fresh in Botswana by the popo tribe. . . .

    Give me a good Chip butty and a ring doughnut (yes the British spelling) any day

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hahahaha! The comment about the eating habits of Damien and partner, fair tickled my funny bone.
      Isn’t human flesh supposed to taste like chicken? If you then add peanut butter and a bit of honey, you’d then have a lovely satay dish. Stick the human on a spike and you’d have a shish kebab.
      When I was at school, you could get a chip butty, a can of soft drink, a bar of chocolate and a bag of crisp all for £1.50p. That was my entire lunch for about 2 years. But I agree, some things should not be eaten just because we can.

      Like

  2. Hilarious, as always.

    I’m one of those archaic people who still likes to cook, and when our kids were growing up, I’d let each of them select what they wanted to eat for dinner on their birthdays. They could either select a restaurant, or set a menu for me to prepare. The little sadists liked to pick elaborate Italian or Chinese meals for me to cook. Took allllllll day to do all of the marinating, chopping, sauce-making, soup-making, appetizer-making, and cooking. And let’s not forget the cake… Took ’em all of fifteen minutes to scarf it all down. Man, was I ever an idiot. 🙂

    Ya know, that maggot cheese might not be so bad. Might be an easier way to lose weight quickly than taking those dangerous diet pills. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Susan, but wow! What a birthday treat! My mum is a wonderful cook and having her do a set menu would have been heaven. I hope your kids realised just how lucky they were to have you go through such an effort. That says love right there…though I admit that the fact that they would pick the most elaborate Italian and Chinese meals, did make me laugh. Sadistic indeed.

      Apparently, you can put the maggot cheese in the fridge to kill the critters, although the slight crunch might give away the fact that your cheese is now riddled with dead carcasses. But you’re right, it’s better and less expensive then those diet pills. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I love fish finger sandwiches. Although you don’t see many fish with fingers these days …
    I too am not in favour of spending hours on preparing something which will be so much p** in 12 hours.
    Am sitting here scarfing down chocolate raisins (busy, crappy day). Speaking of p**, they’re just like rabbit droppings …

    Liked by 2 people

    • I never got the whole fish finger sandwich thing. It was always fish fingers, beans and chips. Anything else seemed weird…ooh, now I want some fish fingers…I mean I don’t want fingers that look like fish, or fish that have fingers…ok Lil, stop typing…

      12 hours? As soon as Spawn has finished eating, it all comes back out again. Might explain why he’s built like a cheesestring. Ooh and I need to get some chocolate raisins so that I can sprinkle them around his bedroom and pretend they’re rat droppings. Might give him an incentive to clean his bloody room!

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  4. Where did you find those pictures? Yikes! You have to wonder, how desperate is the food situation that people were forced to eat eyeballs or maggots?
    My favorite line: “Once the wood-chips are thoroughly ashamed of themselves…” 😀
    Your recipes are truly inspired!

    Liked by 1 person

    • By typing up ‘weird dishes from around the world.’ I had to scroll very carefully through some of those sites. The pictures of fried giant sized arachnids, had me reaching for the bleach in order to rinse out my retinas. The tuna eyeballs are supposed to be rich in iron and the maggot cheese? I have no idea why people would want to eat that, especially as the maggots are known to propel themselves for distances up to 15 cm (6 in) and the whole thing can leave a taste in your mouth that lasts for several hours.

      Aww thank you. My inspiration comes from lack of sleep, too much caffeine and insanity. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        • They have something very similar in Sweden called Blood cake, with one of the ingredients being whipped blood. Yep, they actually whip the blood, because as we all know, a light frothy blood topping is better than the congealed stuff…ooh, I think I just made myself throw up a little…

          I just tell people that insanity is a part of my genius…It’s amazing how quickly you get used to people laughing in your face… 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  5. I always thought Krungthepmahanakornamornratanakosinmahintarayutthayamahadilokphopnopparatrajathaniburiromudomrajaniwesmahasatharnamornphimarnavatarnsathitsakkattiyavisanukamprassit was near Balham. Or am I thinking of Clapham?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. OMG, these pictures, not stuff I’d eat LMAO! That lady from Australia is enjoying that grub way too much. Maggot cheese, is that even healthy, yikes! Your steps are hilarious, Lily, and so is your book title!! And you have a good point about those TV chefs. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • That Australian woman’s smile is just too wide for someone about to eat a grub. Methinks she’s thinking about happier times…

      Thanks Madilyn. The titles and the steps were inspired by an old article I read about how impossible gourmet cooking has become. I mean who has a sheep’s penis in their fridge?! An ex’s yes, but a sheep’s? No. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. The maggot cheese…. just… just why??? WHY WHY WHY???

    Did you know when those maggots are disturbed they can leap up to six feet?

    I’m in the process of rigging my navigation system in the car to shout at me in Gordon Ramsey’s voice.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Mich, there is NO logical reason. None, nada, zip, Je ne peux pas comprendre pourquoi!

      It’s bad enough the things burrowing into your intestines without them jumping up and poking you in the eye. Maggot cheese should come with a health warning.

      Careful. Gordon Ramsey always makes me want to punch somebody…namely Gordon Ramsey.

      Like

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