Well this is embarrassing. It appears that the linguistic patter of the East End Cockney, did not extend to the letter X. You would have thought that folk adept in the art of taking a simple word and then stretching it beyond all necessity, would have had the oral skills to navigate the most
evil…seriously X, what is the sodding point of you? difficult letter of the alphabet. But oh no, when it came to the mangling of the English Language, it seems that the committee for the ‘Cultural Originators (of) Cockney Kaflooey’, (or to give it it’s abbreviated title C.O.C…er…best not to mention it’s abbreviated title) were out to lunch that day. So instead, here’s an X poem which has absolutely nothing to do with Cockney Rhyming Slang. You’re welcome.
WARNING: This is a warning to warn you that I am warning you to be aware that this is a warning. Poem may contains scenes of an adult nature. Also, never stick your finger into the blades of an oscillating fan as decapitation stings quite a bit. End of warning.
Xena Xenosa a girl at school.
had eyes a big as swimming pools.
Feet like boats and teeth like planks,
Xena X was a bit of a skank.
The thing about Xena you see,
was she spent her time upon her knees.
From pubs to clubs, men’s bathroom stalls,
that Xena X had had them all.
Indeed it was a well known fact,
she spent most of her time upon her back,
as boys lined up at the bicycle shed,
Xena Xenosa would give good advice…what?
As whorish as that girl could be,
she was quite wise, a sage was she,
who offered up talk of relationships,
though most of it was a pile of shit.
I learned from her some interesting stuff,
like boys hate girls with a hairy muff.
That you can’t get pregnant standing up.
And don’t watch that film, ‘2 girls one cup’.
I also learned tampons you see,
can make you lose your virginity.
And sperm can’t swim there way through knickers,
as I was told by Nigel Vickers.
You can’t get pregnant the first time
and apparently fish tastes nice with lime.
But Xena Xenosa with her vast knowledge,
got pregnant after leaving college.
I recently heard upon the vine,
that she’s got 10 kids from babe to nine.
And she married that arsehole Nigel Vickers,
who now knows sperm can swim through knickers.
*Did I say I was a poet?
Seriously folks, I can smell your judgement from here.