In the current economic climate, it is of no surprise that many people are increasingly finding themselves out of the job market and without gainful employment. Similarly, the common prostitute now find themselves in a parallel position, *ahem* whereby they are starting to experience a sharp decline in the number of clients coming, quite literally, their way.
This means that I now find myself out of a job and having to cut corners in order to make ends meet.
Now I hate cooking as much as the next lazy ho-bag skank, but apparently it’s in the ‘Handy Book Of Of Handy Tips That Comes In quite Handy When It Comes To Handling Children,’ Parent’s Guide Book,’ that it is my role as ‘mother,’ to provide a cooked meal for my child. According to Child Protection Services, a packet of wine gums does NOT constitute to Spawn’s five a day just because it comes in five fruity flavours.
So to cut costs and to save money best spent on gin, I have come up with a quick, easy and cheap (huh, sounds like my ex) way to cook a well balanced meal.
Now this recipe has been handed down from generation to generation. From my mum and her mum before her, who got the recipe from her mum, via her mum, who then learned it from her mum, who is dead.
This dish I like to call Tuna Salsa, whilst Spawn often refers to it as ‘poison’.
Ingredients: What you will need.
Can of Tuna (duh!)
1 onion (chopped)
1 of each, Green pepper, red pepper, yellow pepper, red lorry, yellow lorry…sorry, got carried away there…
1 Garlic clove (crushed)
Mixed herbs ( Past caring)
Cast iron stomach
First peel and chop the onion. Onions kind of remind me of my ex getting undressed, in that whenever he took off the top layer, I cried. The man was so skinny, that whenever we tried to do the horizontal boogie, it was like rubbing two sticks together and we would occasionally burst into flames…oh yeah, and he stunk.
Next chop the peppers but remember to remove the seeds. Nobody likes a mouthful of seeds…which again, reminds me of my ex, but I digress.
Crush the garlic in much the same way that all your hopes and dreams have been crushed just because the man you thought you once loved, simply uttered those three little words, “I have crack.”
When that’s done and you’ve finished weeping for your lost soul over the vegetables, toss all the ingredients into a frying pan, along with any hopes of regaining your looks, figure and the last ten years of your life and fry until slightly translucent.
Now it’s time to add the tomatoes. You can either chop them before adding them to the pan, or skin them in the same way that I told Spawn that I would skin him, if he ever touched my ‘battery operated toy’ again. (conversation no mother should ever have with her child: “It’s not a missile launcher, it’s a back massager”)
Flake the tuna like the skin on a dead man’s chest and cast into the frying pan along with the onion, peppers, garlic and tomatoes.
Now my mum likes to add a little bit of curry powder to her ingredients but then she’s as mad as a box of frogs and once killed a man with her bare hands, so what does she know? Add the mixed herbs and when I say mixed herbs, I don’t mean blending your marijuana leaves with some Bay leaf. Finally, stir in the tomato puree and serve with pasta or on a bed of rice. And there you have it, a meal fit for the bin…sorry, I meant fit for a king.
Note from my lawyer.
Readers of The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose, are expressly required not to make accusations of ill health, general sickness, food poisoning, or death on trying this recipe. Ms Lily will not accept any liability in respect of such allegations. As always, in the case of death, please consult your doctor.
*Reposted from the original ‘Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose’, 31.1.20013