Lookee here, I just gone wrote myself a recipe page.

In the current economic climate, it is of no surprise that many people are increasingly finding themselves out of the job market and without gainful employment. Similarly, the common prostitute now find themselves in a parallel position, *ahem* whereby they are starting to experience a sharp decline in the number of clients coming, quite literally, their way.
This means that I now find myself out of a job and having to cut corners in order to make ends meet.

Now I hate cooking as much as the next lazy ho-bag skank, but apparently it’s in the ‘Handy Book Of Of Handy Tips That Comes In quite Handy When It Comes To Handling Children,’ Parent’s Guide Book,’ that it is my role as ‘mother,’ to provide a cooked meal for my child. According to Child Protection Services, a packet of wine gums does NOT constitute to Spawn’s five a day just because it comes in five fruity flavours.
So to cut costs and to save money best spent on gin, I have come up with a quick, easy and cheap (huh, sounds like my ex) way to cook a well balanced meal.
Now this recipe has been handed down from generation to generation. From my mum and her mum before her, who got the recipe from her mum, via her mum, who then learned it from her mum, who is dead.

This dish I like to call Tuna Salsa, whilst Spawn often refers to it as ‘poison’.
Ingredients: What you will need.
Can of Tuna (duh!)
1 onion (chopped)
1 of each, Green pepper, red pepper, yellow pepper, red lorry, yellow lorry…sorry, got carried away there…
1 Garlic clove (crushed)
Tomatoes (chopped)
Tomato puree
Mixed herbs ( Past caring)
Cast iron stomach

Method:
First peel and chop the onion. Onions kind of remind me of my ex getting undressed, in that whenever he took off the top layer, I cried. The man was so skinny, that whenever we tried to do the horizontal boogie, it was like rubbing two sticks together and we would occasionally burst into flames…oh yeah, and he stunk.

onion2

Next chop the peppers but remember to remove the seeds. Nobody likes a mouthful of seeds…which again, reminds me of my ex, but I digress.
Crush the garlic in much the same way that all your hopes and dreams have been crushed just because the man you thought you once loved, simply uttered those three little words, “I have crack.”
When that’s done and you’ve finished weeping for your lost soul over the vegetables, toss all the ingredients into a frying pan, along with any hopes of regaining your looks, figure and the last ten years of your life and fry until slightly translucent.

peppers

Now it’s time to add the tomatoes. You can either chop them before adding them to the pan, or skin them in the same way that I told Spawn that I would skin him, if he ever touched my ‘battery operated toy’ again. (conversation no mother should ever have with her child: “It’s not a missile launcher, it’s a back massager”)
Flake the tuna like the skin on a dead man’s chest and cast into the frying pan along with the onion, peppers, garlic and tomatoes.

tuna

Now my mum likes to add a little bit of curry powder to her ingredients but then she’s as mad as a box of frogs and once killed a man with her bare hands, so what does she know? Add the mixed herbs and when I say mixed herbs, I don’t mean blending your marijuana leaves with some Bay leaf. Finally, stir in the tomato puree and serve with pasta or on a bed of rice. And there you have it, a meal fit for the bin…sorry, I meant fit for a king.

trash

Note from my lawyer.
Disclaimer:
Readers of The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose, are expressly required not to make accusations of ill health, general sickness, food poisoning, or death on trying this recipe. Ms Lily will not accept any liability in respect of such allegations. As always, in the case of death, please consult your doctor.

~Lily

*Reposted from the original ‘Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose’, 31.1.20013

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33 thoughts on “Lookee here, I just gone wrote myself a recipe page.

    • I will NOT be held responsible for your death Frank! Desist in reading these pages immediately…unless you have me written in your will, then by all means, carry on…

      Glad you appreciate the post Frank, because I was literally unfollowed on the strength (or weakness) of this one. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        • Hahahaha! I shall most definitely contribute to such a foundation.
          I think they followed out of an obligation to follow because I followed them. Oh how I hate that. I don’t expect everyone that I follow to like what I write in return. But, he’s been dithering for a while, finally followed and then unfollowed the following day, ie when this post came out…wow, there’s a lot of ‘follow’in that sentence. It matters not to me. I shall still read his blog because it’s fantastic but I do wish that people would follow for honest reasons to begin with.

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    • Mr E, there’s a type of Bay leaf that my mum always buys, which is a variant on the original. This one can be boiled into a green tea and is excellent for stomach pains. Tastes lovely too. Ooh, what a coincidence. I got new soup bowls the other day too. A nice deep red that seemed to make the French onion soup that we supped upon, taste so much better…or maybe it was the fact that it was cooked by someone else.

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  1. I intuit that you dislike cooking as much as I (it is a Goal to be attained by any right thinking free spirit). Give it to me in a table that I can Nuke and I would be mucho happiness.

    Laughing, laughing, laughing

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Claudette. It’s just that cooking is so time consuming when there are more important things to do, like re-stacking my Ferrero Rocher into a neat pyramid style.
      Why can’t people understand that the microwave is our friend and if God didn’t want us to have micro meals, then he wouldn’t have created radiation.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I never have enough Ferrero Rochers left to make a pyramid. I could make a small column but it would fall over, so to avoid making a mess I just eat the lot. A cookbook by Miss Lily would be a definite must. Lily, what could you do with the milk and bread that I forgot to throw out before going away last weekend?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kimberley, that’s because I bought a few boxes when they were on special offer in Tescos. I had to grab a couple of grannies and keep em in a headlock to stop them from taking some of those boxes and I had a fist fight with a 98 year old man and kicked a toddler when they tried to approach the shelf…where am I going with this again?

          My cookbook would consist of ‘pierce film lid and pop into oven.’ Or ‘place in microwave for 30 seconds.’ Though I do remember the first time I used a microwave and put a pasty in for an hour. It was going okay…until the microwave exploded. The shame, for I was at work at the time.

          Milk and bread, well that’s easy, bread pudding. Unless they’re spoiled, in which case, that’s a special meal for the bin.
          Hope you had a lovely time away.

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m with Monkey Boy here. I have chest pains from laughing so hard. So sorry to hear that you’ve had to change careers. As for being “unfollowed”, you’re better off without that humourless bellend. Have a great day. I’m of to A&E.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dammit people, will you all stop dying on me!
      Well the street walking business wasn’t working out anyway. I’d charged people a fiver and they’d ask for change!
      The unfollowing, I’m used to. People dip in and out of this blog like Paris Hilton.
      Hope your visit to A&E goes okay…don’t forget to write me in your will!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Tut, tut, Lily.
    You missed out the most important ingredient of any meal….
    Plus, I’m sure it would remind you of your ex (it’s not me is it, it sounds a lot like me in many ways….)
    The one simple food stuff that EVERY single meal is required to contain is of course……

    ….. pause for dramatic effect…..

    …hang on….

    …. gone on a bit long now….

    … it’s still cold out isn’t it, I wonder when spring will arrive…

    … are you still here?……

    CHEESE!!!

    A topping of grated cheese and thrown under the grill until “just before burnt” (a proper cooking term I learnt from GORDON BLAM!) will make any meal into a feast!

    You’re bloody welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, I missed that bit out Mr H, for we do indeed top it off with cheese and then throw it under the grill so that it melts like the skin on my ex’s sagging face. As the stench of mature cheese permeates throughout the house like the ripeness that emanates from the pores of my ex, we await our tuna dish with an eager fervour…a bit like my ex camped out on my doorstep telling me that I’m his crack cocaine and he can’t rid himself of his unhealthy addiction. So you’re wrong Mr H, your suggestion in no way reminded me of my ex, but I conceded to missing out the most vital ingredient. Thanking ye.

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  4. If you’re in search of a job, be a stand-up (or lie-down?) comedienne! If someone unfollowed you on the basis of this post, someone is in dire need of a funny bone transplant. This is bloody hilarious. (Hey! You’re turning me into a Brit!)

    Really, I love everything about this post. You rock, girl.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Susan. 🙂 I did lie down already. That’s how I lost my job… I kept falling asleep. And I’ve never known why funny bones are called funny bones, because it ain’t a funny matter when you knock it.

      I know that some serious writers wouldn’t class my posts as worthy of being read, that always becomes apparent by the patronizing comments I receive during the A-Z Challenges, but that’s okay. As Frank said, it’s all a matter of personal tastes.

      Heehee, I’m determined to get you to use the word’bugger’next. I’m seeing it as my personal mission. Oh and you rock more!

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  5. Hello Miss Lily . . . . Dont worry I did not laugh so much I was going to die, so I am not dead. OK yes I need to go and have a Scan in a couple of weeks but that is another story indeed. I did think to myself as I read this Mmmmmmmm this has the makings of an interesting cook book a new twist that might just sell. Hey you could go on master chef or bake off or the like. I am with Mr H with the cheese I do love a bit of cheese on things. grated strong cheddar cheese on chips is rather nice, but is to be treated as a treat.

    I have started to eat kippers again I forgot just how nice a kipper could be, the only down side being that the house smells of kippers for about three days and for the following week if I go out folk will say . . . . Have you been eating kippers . . . .

    Be good and be happy Miss Lily.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr Z, I do hope the scan produces nothing serious. Man flu is fine but anything else and I’ll start fussing over you like a nanny goat…do nanny goats fuss?? I know they eat everything in sight and head butt folk and although I do tend to eat everything insight, I don’t generally head butt people…well, not since I gave up drinking.

      Unfortunately, the Lil man and I are with you and Mr H and tend to have cheese on everything, although I leave the cheese on chips to him. My heart starts screaming out in agonized pain whenever I look at it. And yep, it’s gotta be the strong kind. I will shank anyone who brings mild cheddar to my door.
      Mmmm Kippers. (wipes drool from mouth) Topped with onions and a bit of garlic and butter. That’s how my mama does it.
      And I’m always good Mr Z and mostly happy…mostly.
      Hope all goes well with the scan.

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  6. We poor hillbillies used to make a variant of SOS (shit on a shingle) by combining a can of tuna with a can of mushroom soup and throwing the slop at slices of toast from across the room.
    How I wish we could have afforded an onion and some peppers. At least we had Toe Jam for desert.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ah, Lily, you got me again. I giggled and belched all the way through this, an alarming combination of bodily functions that is the result of being older than dirt, greatly enjoying myself despite the unpleasant cacophony. But when my failing eyesight landed upon the image of the pensive schoolgirl taking a firm stand concerning the bouquet of her lady parts, I completely lost it. Brilliant…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh my, I was eating crackers and nearly spit them out with laughter when I read about the poor prostitutes who “now find themselves in a parallel position” with “a sharp decline in the number of clients coming, quite literally, their way.” LOL! The image quote about a vagina not smelling like tuna cracked me up and the one with the onion over the male body too!

    Really, there’s lots of nutrition in your recipe, tuna for protein, lots of vit C in tomatoes and peppers, garlic’s very healthy and keeps vampires away, onions to clear your sinuses (OMG, that stuff about your ex, priceless!!). Your recipe sort of reminds me of a salsa I make except that mine is not cooked, no tuna, not served over anything…OK not the same LOL! But hey, you’ve given me an idea here. I could mix up something similar w/tuna, no puree and cooked spiral pasta and chill to serve as a cold pasta salad. See, your post is an inspiration, Lily! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks as always Madilyn. I tried SO hard not to be naughty in this post, but I may have pushed things with the prostitute gag and the tuna/vagina pic. But hell it made me laugh. Spawn on the other hand is adamant that I have the brain of a 10 year old boy.
      Spawn also makes this dish MUCH better than I do, but adds extra ingredients like disdain and despair.
      The stuff I wrote about my ex is quite funny in respect that he’s on my google plus page, so he gets to read all about himself. Who says revenge isn’t so sweet? Unlike my ex.

      I had to laugh at your salsa recipe which is very much like my own, but not really like it at all. 🙂 But the tuna pasta salad served chilled is a favourite of ours, especially in summer. You should definitely try it. I’m glad that my post is good for something at least.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. WHAT THE HECK?!?!?!?! How the hell have you been, and why, WHY have your posts not been showing up for me. That Mark Zuckerburg is trying to keep us apart, I just know it!!! But alas, I finally hacked back into my own wordpress account and followed the breadcrumb trail back to you! The a-z is coming? You in?

    Oh, and sadly, I do not have the iron stomach!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ANDREA!!! My posts haven’t been showing up on Facebook because I deleted that account and started anew. I kinda didn’t tell anyone though and no one…apart from you has noticed my absence.
      Not sure if I’ll be partaking in the torture-fest that is the A-Z, too much going on in life. I can barely keep up with my normal posts. If you’re taking part, I will definitely be on the lookout for posts. I absolutely LOVE your A-Z posts. 🙂

      Like

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