Sex Education 101, As Told By Spawn-The Conclusion

It was my cursed need for knowledge that led me to where I am now. I have lain in bed these past three days hence, hiding from the horrors that have befallen my eyes. Images so gratuitous, that they will remain forever embedded within my psyche and which no amount of therapy or bleach, will ever remove.

For my investigation into the matter of coition, I had fully intended to make use of the national information infrastructure, or as I believe many of you commoners like to term it, ‘The Internet,’ in order that I may research the proposition of two opposite genders coming together, to copulate and sire the progeny of their loins. Unfortunately the wizened old crone who otherwise goes by the mantle of ‘mother’, muttered something about having to delete her browsing history first, which I gathered might take some time.

No matter, I would have to discover the subject at hand via the old time traditional method of ‘reading a book’. And so perusing through the shelves of what passes as reading material in my home and finding some dubious themes, (I didn’t even know there were 50 shades of grey) I happened upon a tome entitled ‘101 Questions Children Ask About Sex That Parents Are Too Chicken Shit To Answer.’ Despite the coarseness of the title,  I had finally found what I had been searching for.

With the book of carnal knowledge tucked firmly within my grasp, I headed to my bedchamber, bypassing my mother’s boudoir from which I could clearly hear her caterwauling some insipid tune…something about wanting to be hit once again by a small child. I believe the singer’s name is Britney Lance, or was it javelin? Anyway, it was something to do with some sort of throwing instrument but that is not essential to this tale.

Upon finally reaching the confines of my chamber, I settled down onto the downy softness of my bedding, ready to browse through the leafy layers of my newly acquired literature. Confounded! What nonsense was this? All I could govern were questions of such puerile nature, that surely any simpleton such as those reading this very blog, could have discerned the answers. For instance, ‘How are babies made?’ Was one such fatuous question. The answer to that is simple enough, copious amounts of alcohol, loose morals, even looser underwear and a distinct lack of self respect, answers that particular line of inquiry.

There was also, ‘How does the baby come out?’ Well that’s obvious. Via the mouth. The mother belches and the baby flies out through the opening. Fools! Other questions posed by this so-called educational thesis, ‘What happens when the baby is born?’ He suffers a life-time of bitterness and regret. ‘What’s a penis?’ Shouldn’t that be, what is a pen? Incompetent morons. And ‘what is a period?’ For goodness sake! Everyone knows that a period is a time unit subdivision of geologic time defined as a span of years, into which the lager era time units are divided into smaller time-frames. Why is that question even in a book which is purportedly to be about the practice and subsequent consequences of coitus?

And that’s when I stumbled upon images of such unimaginable horror, that I at once sought to gouge out my retinas with the aid of a wooden spoon. Here is my responses to the following pages. “Surely that can’t be what an actual vageena looks like. Egads! It looks like a kitten that has been garotted and then had it’s throat sliced open! Oh my, what a cumbersome beast. No wonder women are always in such a foul mood having to carry that thing around in their undergarments!!” (Turns pages) “Oh an inside view.” And here I’ll have to admit, is when I started to feel a little light headed. When I got to what looked liked an instrument of death but was in fact a pennis, (Good god! It looks like a maggot wearing an overcoat) my vision began to blur. And when I finally viewed an actual illustrated scene of copulation, I was quite amazed that I hadn’t fainted…I had blacked out long before then. And so here I am, deep beneath the covers and hiding from the monstrosity that is the adult body and the terror of just what coitus entails. Good day to you all and may your genitals blacken up and drop off for practising such lewd behaviour.

~Lily

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33 thoughts on “Sex Education 101, As Told By Spawn-The Conclusion

  1. Oh, poor Spawn. The veil has been ripped from his eyes, and he will never look at the world (including the top shelf of the local newsagents) in the same way ever again. Best to insist that he keeps the bedroom door open when any of the lady friends descend. That’s what my Mum insisted on. That was ok anyway. We could hear her coming up the stairs better with the door open.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kimberley, he is truly grossed out. He can’t understand why people want to engage in such an act. I mean, what can I say when my child poses the question, “and you did that?”
      “Yes son, but only once so that we may beget such a precious gift.” The ‘precious gift’part alone would call me out as a liar.
      Oh and the best bit about making him purchase his Doctor Who mags, is watching his gaze trying to avert the top shelf of “such filth.” It’s the highlight of my day.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. It is only going to get worse for the Lil man.

    Yes I sorry to say Master Meglos that this is just the tip of a rather dodgy iceberg, male meets female lets have a baby is at the simple end of what has become a rather obsessive subject to rather a lot of humans. Human reproduction and survival might be the deep routed driving force behind all this but humans can have rather vivid imaginations at times, so be warned there are folk doing things with things in ways that are not going to produce babies and it might be best to keep your eyes closed. . . All I can say is good luck Master Meglos and one day you will look at at all this and say . . . . . .. . . . AH so that is what squirty cream was for?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Mr Z, thank goodness you don’t teach Sex ED, you would scar the kids for life and that simple won’t do. It’s OUR job as parents to do that. Scarring our kids for life is a privilege, nay a right that we parents have earned from years of having to deal with the tortuous ways of our womb-fruits. Also, there will be no squirting of cream in this household…er…that didn’t quite come out right…

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  3. Wait until the poor guy finds out they pic the pretty vageenas to be in the books. The dark underbelly of the vageena world will send the boy to therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

        • I think my aversion begun when the ‘Tampax Lady’ visited the school to tell us all about menstruation. The instruction on the box of tampons said something about using a mirror to view your foo-foo before insertion. And so I did.
          I think I must have been out cold for about an hour. Kinda not what I was expecting it to look like.

          Liked by 2 people

  4. You’d think by now, living the future like we are, there would be a less messy way of making babies that didn’t involve getting elbows caught up in hair, perspiration and cramp. Let alone putting things inside other things.
    And all for what?
    Shitty nappies and a house that smells like rusks…

    It’s not for me, that lark.

    Babies are stupid and ugly and I refuse to interact with them until they able to communicate on a level of intelligence above that of a well trained house pet.

    You are better off out it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Always a positive response Mr H. Your mad rant reminds me of the time Spawn held his then month old cousin and said, “I think this one is defective. It doesn’t speak.”

      It’s kinda scary that you’re on the same wavelength as my crotch-fruit. According to my equally mentally defective child, (was that even a proper sentence structure?) he aims, as a scientist, to make coitus a less messier activity in the future. Something to do with a pat on the back and then 9 month later, voilà, a child begot. I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening as I was, as usual, praying for the SWEET RELIEF OF DEATH!

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  5. I love babies. I love making babies not that I can anymore having had the snip years ago but I do like to keep my hand in
    Er. That came out wrong but I’m sure you know what I mean.
    I love all the bodily fluids. I’m sure Spawn will come to appreciate the pleasures of bonking eventually and will find yet another way of driving you nuts

    Liked by 1 person

    • What? ALL bodily fluids?!

      I don’t care where you like to keep your hand Mr D, as long as you sanitize it after.

      Spawn has pretty much declared himself to be asexual. Just the sight of a naked elbow is enough to give him an attack of the vapours.

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    • I got rid of the extra comment so that people wouldn’t think you were a senile old man. Now it just looks like you’re talking about something completely random…You’re welcome. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

        • Hahaha! Sorry Mr D, in a mischievous mood. It happens when I’m bored. What is that about a foo foo?

          It was a joint post for which I am taking all the credit. As an esteemed authour and righter, eye beeleeve it iz my write. And yeah, I do feel like that sometimes. The worrying thing is that I’ve started to follow suit and conversation now goes something like this:

          Me-“Child of mine, why is thou such a pain in my rear end?”

          Child O Mine-“Because it pleases me to be so wench.”

          Me-“Then may the gods of thunder strike you in the gonads so that they blacken and die.”

          Child O Mine-” A bit like your heart then mother. Cup of hot beverage?”

          Liked by 1 person

      • Are you sure we’ve never met? You seem to know an awful lot about me. Old. Male. Senile.

        Of course you have every right to claim all the credit. All parents have the right to say that their childrens achievements are all down to them.

        As for bodily fluids. Maybe not ALL of ’em but I am fond of some!

        “Nuff said.

        Day off today but tax return to finish off. Boo! Have a great day

        Liked by 1 person

        • Mr D, if we had met, you’d probably be hiding in the wardrobe right now, crying with fear.

          I’m not even gonna go there about bodily fluids. My sister reads my posts. She’s like a nun, even though she’s married with 2 kids. I’m not entirely sure that she’s entirely sure how the kids happened.

          Happy tax return filing!

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  6. Look on the bright side. It’s a lot better for him to be appalled at the idea of coitus than it is for him to be obsessed with it, and eager to give it a go as soon as possible. (I suspect my own sons fell into that latter category.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • At least it means no teen baby mamas turning up at my door. The worrying thing is this child wants children in the future and has even picked out their names. But the thought of even touching a girl, give him the heebies as well as the jeebies. I’m sure if a girl attempted to kiss him, he’d shove her so far back, her ancestors would catch her.

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  7. Lily, this is quite the eye-opening post on sex education! Poor Spawn, what a shock! I can just imagine how he felt faint and his vision blurred after reading all that. I am sympathetic to his plight, really I am. Learning about sex for the first time when you’re young can be disconcerting, even more so when you’re looking at actual illustrations! “Surely that can’t be what an actual vageena looks like. Egads!” Oh but it can LOL! And there is even more to be learned, but maybe not yet!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Madilyn, at his age, I was still getting the word ‘orgasm’ confused with ‘organism,’ So i have to say, it was a shock to me too. I think the illustrations were too much sensory overload for Spawn. And Vageenas have definitely put him off wanting to speak to a woman, let alone have sex with her. He’s not too impressed with breasts either. Apparently they look like Manatees.

      Liked by 1 person

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