Greetings tiny and puny infinitesimal bi-peds. It is I, Spawn, FEAR ME! Or at least shudder a little, in much the same way that you would if a spider were to suddenly appear from out of nowhere, lingering long enough in your peripheral vision for you to think, “haha! I see you”. But then alas, you then turn around to lock gaze with the vile beast, only to find there is nothing there, making you quickly and unexpectedly, question your sanity as well as your very existence! Ahem… Forgive me, for have digressed from the true purpose of appearing on such a low brow publication.
The real reason why I have lowered myself to come before you all, is to report that I have stumbled across some very disturbing facts. Facts that have led me to realise just how repulsive and abominable Homo Sapiens really are. Let me start at the beginning.
It seems that I am apparently at the age whereby this wretched government has enforced upon me the process of receiving systematic data pertaining to the subject of coitus, at a place of learning. Now this is not an activity that I foresee myself taking part in anytime in the future, so I cannot possibly fathom why I must learn of such an odious subject. At the communal institute of knowledge to which I attend, can I be sure that the disciplinarians working there and I use the word ‘working’ quite sparingly, provide me with the correct information? For when they are not filling their hip flasks with gin, or the male faculty members aren’t disappearing into the art cupboard with Mademoiselle Dupoire, which is a little perplexing as she’s the french tutor and has nothing whatsoever to do with art, they are forever bemoaning their place of employment. Little wonder really, seven years of higher education and not even a doctorate betwixt them all.
As for the ‘mummy creature,’ I can hardly be reliant upon her to offer up such vital counsel. God, look at her, sitting in front of the visual and audio entertainment transmitter, whilst eating truffles like the very sow that she is! A pox on her blackened heart. And so finally, being ever appurtenant on oneself, I swiftly came to the denouement that I would do my own research on this topic call Sex Education. Oh how I wished I had not bothered…*shudders*
Part 2 coming up like the rancid milk I digested this morning. Dammit vile wench, would it hurt you to clean out the fridge for once!!??