Have you seen this man?
If you have, then you better watch out, you better not cry and you definitely should not pout and here’s why.
Kris Kringle aka Santa Claus, aka Father Christmas, aka Saint Nicholas, aka Weirdy Beardy, is wanted throughout several countries for crimes that are too heinous to mention.
Here is a mention of his heinious crimes:
- Breaking and entering.
- Theft – Largely cookies and milk and the occasional last Rolo…fiend!
- Illegal entry in and out of countries without a viable passport.
- Illegal exporting of merchandise.
- Improper use of a flying a vehicle without failure to produce the correct flying permit and one not listed under the CAA (Civil Aviation Authority)
- Violation of Elven labour laws.
- Slander and Defamation of character-A misogynist who believes that all women are ho ho hoes.
- Cruelty to animals.
- Discrimination against Adults and bad children.
- Poor dress sense.
Morbidly obese and showing signs of acute alcoholism characterized by his rosy red nose and cheeks, Mr Kringle also has a penchant for dressing up in THE COLOUR OF SATAN. This goes hand in hand with Intel information that we have recently received, that our perp, is also a member of a famous devil worshipping cult whose members include the Kardashians, Paris Hilton and Barney The Dinosaur, who also happens to be the leader of this malevolent group. Here we see Barney after springing one of his evil minions from jail…
And here we have a leaked document pertaining to his status as cult leader…
Not only is Mr Kringle a known misogynist, but his judgemental personality lends to the theory that he is someone who is prejudiced and an ego maniac hell bent on world domination. An unscrupulous man, Kringle has no problem in promoting mass consumerism and communism as well as flouting labour laws that permit elves from working on Christmas day, when as we all know, they should be marching to Mordor to find Frodo.
Mr Kringle is also known to suffer from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)and can often be seen making a list of his intended victims and then checking it twice.
Once marked, these victims are then put on round the clock surveillance, so that the Perpetrator can observe whether they’ve been naughty or nice. Sick bastard.
The victims, of course, are completely unaware that they are being watched and are therefore uninformed that the perp sees when they are sleeping and knows when they’re awake. And like most criminals on the Psychopathic list, this criminal mastermind likes to dole out his own brand of justice by rewarding those that he deems as good, whilst punishing those he judges to be bad. We also have information detailing Mr Kringle’s association with the drug lord Mari J. Uana and have reason to believe that the red suited brute has been lacing stocking fillers with hallucinogenics after claims that children world wide, have been reported as having visions of sugar plums dancing through their heads.
If you see this man, please contact as on:
Or email us on:
Until next time
Have a happy one folks!