Wanted

Have you seen this man?

wanted-poster
If you have, then you better watch out, you better not cry and you definitely should not pout and here’s why.

Kris Kringle aka Santa Claus, aka Father Christmas, aka Saint Nicholas, aka Weirdy Beardy, is wanted throughout several countries for crimes that are too heinous to mention.
Here is a mention of his heinious crimes:

  • Breaking and entering.
  • Theft – Largely cookies and milk and the occasional last Rolo…fiend!
  • Illegal entry in and out of countries without a viable passport.
  • Illegal exporting of merchandise.
  • Improper use of a flying a vehicle without failure to produce the correct flying permit and one not listed under the CAA (Civil Aviation Authority)
  • Violation of Elven labour laws.
  • Slander and Defamation of character-A misogynist who believes that all women are ho ho hoes.
  • Cruelty to animals.
  • Discrimination against Adults and bad children.
  • Stalking.
  • Poor dress sense.

Appearance

Morbidly obese and showing signs of acute alcoholism characterized by his rosy red nose and cheeks, Mr Kringle also has a penchant for dressing up in THE COLOUR OF SATAN. This goes hand in hand with Intel information that we have recently received, that our perp, is also a member of a famous devil worshipping cult whose members include the Kardashians, Paris Hilton and Barney The Dinosaur, who also happens to be the leader of this malevolent group. Here we see Barney after springing one of his evil minions from jail…

barney

And here we have a leaked document pertaining to his status as cult leader…

barney2

Character Traits

Not only is Mr Kringle a known misogynist, but his judgemental personality lends to the theory that he is someone who is prejudiced and an ego maniac hell bent on world domination. An unscrupulous man, Kringle has no problem in promoting mass consumerism and communism as well as flouting labour laws that permit  elves from working on Christmas day, when as we all know, they should be marching to Mordor to find Frodo.

Modus Operandi

Mr Kringle is also known to suffer from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)and can often be seen making a list of his intended victims and then checking it twice.
Once marked, these victims are then put on round the clock surveillance, so that the Perpetrator can observe whether they’ve been naughty or nice. Sick bastard.
The victims, of course, are completely unaware that they are being watched and are therefore uninformed that the perp sees when they are sleeping and knows when they’re awake. And like most criminals on the Psychopathic list, this criminal mastermind likes to dole out his own brand of justice by rewarding those that he deems as good, whilst punishing those he judges to be bad. We also have information detailing Mr Kringle’s association with the drug lord Mari J. Uana and have reason to believe that the red suited brute has been lacing stocking fillers with hallucinogenics after claims that children world wide, have been reported as having visions of sugar plums dancing through their heads.

If you see this man, please contact as on:
666-999-666
Or email us on:
http://www.mymumalwayssaididbeafailure.com.uk

Until next time

funny-angry-cat-Christmas-hat

Have a happy one folks!

~Lily

 

 

 

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22 thoughts on “Wanted

  1. On his list of offences you left out;
    Drink driving (its not only milk that’s left out for the fat pig!!)

    Speeding (he has to travel faster than the speed of light to get house in one night, which not only breaks local laws but the laws of physics!)

    Identity fraud (how people sit in shopping centres claiming to be the man himself, you won’t convince me he is not getting commission from all these “appearances”)

    The man is a menace and should be stopped!

    Merry Xmas to you and yours by the way. Have a very festive period…. not wait, I didn’t mean have a period that is …. oh god where is the UNDO button on this machine….. I hope it’s this one marked

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dammit Mr H, don’t make me have to plagiarise your whole comment. Thanks for showing me up! Anyway, it’s the season to be jolly, so all is forgiven. Let peace, love and happiness reign in our hearts…as long as nobody makes a stoopid comment about having a happy or festive peri…oh…I feel quite depressed now. Scrap the above comment, instead, let plague and pestilence rot away our souls as we crumble into dusts of despair. Happy Despair Day. 😦

      Like

  2. I know for certain that despite a world wide turn over of millions of pounds he has never paid a single penny in tax. I believe he is using some sort of tax haven in the north of Lapland. and to add insult to injury he never supplies batteries for any of his products. I complained once and he just shouted Ho Ho hO at me.

    Merry Christmas

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My Dear, just last night I though of tracking you down and demanding to know where the hell you’ve been. I need Lily in my life and I was getting the shakes from not getting my fix.

    I am so glad I didn’t interrupt you. This was brilliant. Thank you for the holiday laugh, and the warning about that fat bastard.

    Despite his many criminal transgressions, I do hope the drunkard showers you with gifts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Frank, like a toothless crack ho who has lost her remaining customers, I’m still hanging around. It’s just at this time of year, I usually go into ‘hermit’ mode and start withdrawing from society and by society, I mean social media, and when I say social media, I mean the entire internet, and when I say…damn, I should have just stopped at ‘Hi Frank.’

      Thank you for such a lovely compliment, and you’re welcome…although if I really were in your life, you’d be contacting a Mafia hit man to take me out of your life within the hour. It would be like my family all over again.

      As for Santa, or should I say Satan, I don’t think it’s gifts that the lascivious bastard will be showering me with.
      Have a fantastic holiday Frank and a wonderful new year!

      Like

    • Well there have been sightings of some reindeer being shot down just off the coast of Lapland, but as yet, the perp has not been apprehended. The public have however been warned to block their chimneys and not to leave out valuable items containing mincemeat and diary products that may attract the evildoer that is Santa.

      Like

  4. Always wondered how the fat bastard got down the chimney..especially when we never had one? Guess the red dude will be passing me by..i don’t even have any xmas decorations in the house. Meh.

    Festive greetings and all that other crap…may the jolly dude deliver you Mr Tatum gift wrapped

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s quite simple how Santa was able to get down a chimney despite there not being one, DEVILRY! Because as we all know, the anagram of Santa is Tanas…er…I seem to have gone wrong somewhere…

      I’d prefer Mr Tatum unwrapped. *dribbles like a patient who has just had electric shock therapy*

      Heehee, festive crapola to you too Ms B.

      Like

  5. Lily, thanks for the laughs. 🙂 This time of year makes me rather melancholy for several reasons (not just the one I wrote about) so your post was perfect fun! Kringle’s list of heinous crimes are quite numerous and I’d add to your excellent list clogging up the proper workings of a chimney by getting his bag of tricks (supposedly gifts, ha!) stuck in it! Mathematical proof that Kringle’s buddy Barney the Dinosaur is also Satan, hysterical! I knew there was something diabolical about that way too cherry rotund guy dressed in bright red, playing with reindeer and brow-beating elves to make more toys! And yes, “marching to Mordor to find Frodo” is a much better use of the elves’ time (must save Middle Earth!). Love the Merry Kissmyass cat LOL!

    Happy Christmas and a fantastic New Year to you and Spawn!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh Madilyn, I’m with you on the whole Christmas Vs Melancholy thing.

      I didn’t think of him clogging up chimneys, which could be listed as wilful destruction of property. Damn, his crimes really are heinous. Poor Rudolph’s nose was red because he was a raging alcoholic, depressed at years of Santa’s cruel regime and those elves. Only someone that wicked would interfere with the saving of Middle Earth.

      As for Barney, I always knew that there was something not quite right about that purple beast. The way he was only around children when their parents weren’t and how he would lure them to his beastly lair, no doubt as human sacrifices.

      Anyway, I really do hope that you had a good Christmas. Sending a whole lotta love your way beautiful lady. And may the new year bring you, love, happiness, joy and laughter.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Lily. Thank you so much for the pre Christmas laughs. I never realised the fat bastard is such a … well… such a fat bastard!
    You are as daft as a brush and long may you continue writing such wonderful writing.
    You and Spawn have a great Christmas
    Loving the new look you. It makes me dribble.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh that Santa is not just a fat bastard, but he’s a bastard…who happens to be fat. Fat bastard.
      I’m taking ‘daft as a brush’ as a compliment. But then I’m so starved of affection, that if someone said ‘imma shank you ho,’ I’d see that as a declaration of love.

      The new Jessica Rabbit is hot. I’d definitely do her.

      Hope you had a marvellous Christmas Mr D and may the new year hold nothing but love, peace and success for you and yours.

      Liked by 1 person

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