This month we celebrate the past,
Where people get right up my arse,
By banging doors and ringing bells,
Which makes me scream, “Oh bloody hell!”
The night we call ‘All Hallows Eve,’
It makes me mad, it makes me seethe,
Cos right now I’m sat in the dark,
As the spawns of night knock loudly,
They knock first one, then two, then 3,
I’m stuck here dying for a pee,
They pound some more upon my door,
I cannot take this any more.
The knockings getting on my nerves,
And I could be some sort of perv,
That lures these spawns into my house,
But I’m not, so that last line is a little bit redundant really.
It’s getting louder, hear it now?
The loudness beats upon my brow,
The sweat goes trickling down my back,
If they don’t stop I might just crack.
“I can’t stand this let me be,
My knickers are now soaked with pee,
In trying to evade all of you,
I had no time to use the loo”.
I run down stairs, I’m steaming mad,
“I already ate all the candy that I had,
If you don’t back away from my door,
I’m gonna show you all what for”.
They stare at me with looks of fright,
Like they’d seen a most unholy sight,
I hear the sounds of groans and cries,
“Oh mummy please, it hurts my eyes”.
“Get away from here”. I start to yell,
“You lot can all just go to hell”,
They take off running down the street,
The pavement pounds beneath their feet.
And as I go to close the door,
My eyes gaze down towards the floor,
I’d forgot to put on a bra you see,
And my boobs were hanging down my knees.
I’ve heard the children from that night
Had such a grim and fearful fright,
They were as scared as scared can be,
Now they’ve all entered therapy,
Now no one knocks upon my door,
And no one bothers me no more,
I’m now known as that “mad old bat,
The fat one with the…”
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, HOW TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THAT I’M NOT FAT, I’M JUST BIG BONED. GODDAMMIT!!