Spawn hasn’t been feeling too well lately. He is utterly convinced that the reason why he feels nauseous but is unable to vomit, is because there is a giant worm in his stomach, blocking his outflow…no, really. That, along with the fact that we watched a TV show detailing the television showing of my youth, had him scrambling deep within the comfort of his eiderdown. The program in question, which seemed to have caused Spawn grief, was titled ‘How To Grow.’ It was shown in primary schools to 10-11 year old kids and charted everything from conception to adolescence, right through to sex. I’d actually forgotten just how graphic it was, until Spawn turned a sickly shade of green. Anyway, Ophelia decided to visit that day and I decided to eavesdrop on the conversation between Satan’s love child and the Queen of the undead. Besides, I had run out of coffee and the crack just wasn’t cutting it any more.
“Salutations Spawn…oh…” (Ophelia glides to a stop as she spies Spawn buried beneath his covers) “Is there a comprehensive reason as to why you are embedded deep within the covers of your feather-lined bedding material, especially as the mid-day sun does reach it’s full zenith in the afternoon sky? Are you perchance, experiencing some sort of malaise?”
“Ah Ophelia”. *came Spawn’s muffled voice from underneath the duvet* “Welcome, though I fear that I may not be very good company for your effervescent presence this afternoon. For you see, I have witnessed terrors far beyond your imaginings”.
“Oh Ophelia. I have looked into the jaws of darkness and smelled the depravity of ages past. I have witnessed the horrors of man’s reach into this world and seen woman lay down to bear his fruits. And now…now my innocence has been scattered upon the winds of the devil named fecundity”.
“Long before mother had become ensconced within the prison of her mental fragility and father had lost the will to live, I walked in on the two of them, as they were breaking the ‘beast with two backs.’
“Really Spawn, has whatever ails you so befuddled your brain that you cannot comprehend such a simple syntax? I am most ashamed, nay embarrassed by your lack of Shakespearean knowledge, for it is he who first used the term ‘beast with two backs’, to denote the act of coitus”.
“No matter, you are forgiven. At first I thought that father was attacking mother. All that writhing and high pitched wailing was most disconcerting and mother was just as bad. I was not sure what was happening and so I sought to save mother from what I perceived to be a crazed onslaught. Luckily the several stab wounds that I had administered to father’s back, arms and legs, were only superficial and the surgeons were able to re-attach his copulatory organ, so it all ended well”.
And as I waited with glee for Spawn to pepper spray the heck out of Psycho Ophelia’s porcelain fine features with some lachrymatory agent, there came a rather persistent banging at the front door. It seemed another friend had come to pay a visit to my child. And once again, I found myself asking the gods above, what could I have possibly done in my past life to warrant the endless torture that was somebody else’s womb fruit.