Yep, She Back From Beyond The Grave. That Queen Of The Damned, Ophelia.

Spawn hasn’t been feeling too well lately. He is utterly convinced that the reason why he feels nauseous but is unable to vomit, is because there is a giant worm in his stomach, blocking his outflow…no, really. That, along with the fact that we watched a TV show detailing the television showing of my youth, had him scrambling deep within the comfort of his eiderdown. The program in question, which seemed to have caused Spawn grief, was titled ‘How To Grow.’ It was shown in primary schools to 10-11 year old kids and charted everything from conception to adolescence, right through to sex. I’d actually forgotten just how graphic it was, until Spawn turned a sickly shade of green. Anyway, Ophelia decided to visit that day and I decided to eavesdrop on the conversation between Satan’s love child and the Queen of the undead. Besides, I had run out of coffee and the crack just wasn’t cutting it any more.

Salutations Spawn…oh…” (Ophelia glides to a stop as she spies Spawn buried beneath his covers) “Is there a comprehensive reason as to why you are embedded deep within the covers of your feather-lined bedding material, especially as the mid-day sun does reach it’s full zenith in the afternoon sky? Are you perchance, experiencing some sort of malaise?”

“Ah Ophelia”. *came Spawn’s muffled voice from underneath the duvet* “Welcome, though I fear that I may not be very good company for your effervescent presence this afternoon. For you see, I have witnessed terrors far beyond your imaginings”.

“Her effervescent what? The dead cat I saw by the side of the road this morning, had more get up and go”.

“Pray tell Spawn, what ails you so? I hate to see your youthful exuberance stifled by the grief and sorrows that have befallen your usual zest for life”.

“His usual what  for what? Flesh eating Zombies have more of a zest for life!”

“Oh Ophelia. I have looked into the jaws of darkness and smelled the depravity of ages past. I have witnessed the horrors of man’s reach into this world and seen woman lay down to bear his fruits. And now…now my innocence has been scattered upon the winds of the devil named fecundity”.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!”

“Ah, I’m I to take it then, that you have stumbled upon the topic relating to the instincts, physiology and activities connected with the physical copulation between the sexes?”

“How the bloody hell did she get all that from…never mind…and why the hell I’m I talking to myself?”

“Long before mother had become ensconced within the prison of her mental fragility and  father had lost the will to live, I walked in on the two of them, as they were breaking the ‘beast with two backs.’

“EGAD!! You walked in on your primary care-givers as they were murdering a camel?! What foulness was taking place betwixt those two?”

“Really Spawn, has whatever ails you so befuddled your brain that you cannot comprehend such a simple syntax? I am most ashamed, nay embarrassed by your lack of  Shakespearean knowledge, for it is he who first used the term ‘beast with two backs’, to denote the act of coitus”.

“Ophelia. I beg your humble forgiveness as I hang my head in humiliation and distress, caused by the consciousness of my wrong and foolish mistake”.

“Good god I need to score some crack!”

“No matter, you are forgiven. At first I thought that father was attacking mother. All that writhing and high pitched wailing was most disconcerting and mother was just as bad. I was not sure what was happening and so I sought to save mother from what I perceived to be a crazed onslaught. Luckily the several stab wounds that I had administered to father’s back, arms and legs, were only superficial and the surgeons were able to re-attach his copulatory organ, so it all ended well”.

“Is there a reason why you’re reaching for the pepper spray that adorns your bedside cabinet?”

And as I waited with glee for Spawn to pepper spray the heck out of Psycho Ophelia’s porcelain fine features with some lachrymatory agent, there came a rather persistent banging at the front door. It seemed another friend had come to pay a visit to my child. And once again, I found myself asking the gods above, what could I have possibly done in my past life to warrant the endless torture that was somebody else’s womb fruit.

“Bless the virgin Mary and the little baby Jesus. Hiya”.



28 thoughts on “Yep, She Back From Beyond The Grave. That Queen Of The Damned, Ophelia.

  1. Ophelia and the term “womb fruit” in the same post! I can die happy now, though I hope I don’t. Die now I mean, I do hope to go happy. Dying mad will just upset me. I may need sleep.

    I’m a little upset I saw this before bed. While a wonderful way to end the night, what a glorious way it would have been to start tomorrow.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I think it’s more like overripe fruit when it comes to Ophelia.

      Hahaha! “Dying mad will just upset me.” Only you Frank. ‘Frank The Curmudgeonly Ghost,’ sounds like a Pixar movie.

      To get that glorious start to your day, just re-read the splendour that are my words. Bask in it’s incoherency and then frolic in the direness of the situation. Hope you had a good night.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. You, my darling Lily, never fail to crack me the fuck up! Bwahahaha! 😂 😂 😂 😍😛😙💋💋💋💋💋💋❤❤❤❤👍

    Liked by 1 person

        • Ah, that’s because your son is entering that ‘pricked by the Devil’ age, whilst mine is already firmly in it. The little git asked me if it was possible to buy Anthrax on ebay and then had the bloody cheek to tell me that “Satan has a special place in hell just for you.” God I love my kid.


    • Ms B, at the sight of Ophelia, my tubes literally try to escape from my body!

      Spawn was confused by ‘beast with two backs, but when he asked me what ‘little death’ meant, he almost had a seizure.


  3. Its Ophelia she is back well that is good to know. How is she doing. . . . It appears that the Lil man is in need of her worldly ways. . . . . When I say worldly I refer to under-worldly ways. Will all his old pals be returning, I see him as someone who is loyal to his friends even if they might at times seem a little odd. We are all a bit odd in our own funny little ways, or so I have found over the years. Folk who are not tend to be called boring and that would never do unless they are oddly boring or boringly odd. . . . . HANG ON I got a bit distracted there.

    OOOOOOOOoooooo its sunny . . .well Cool.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Unfortunately Mr Z, she never really went away…despite the restraining order. Most of the Lil man’s friends have all moved on, much as he has and this current bunch, are a whole lot WORSE. I must write about them someday.
      And yes, he is loyal to his friends…providing that they like what he likes, does what he says, have the same opinions, and are open to the power of hypnosis. Otherwise, they go on his. ‘People I shall dispose of when the uprising begins’. list.


  4. Oh the return of the morbidly verbose “Queen of the Damned” Ophelia! Lily, I don’t blame Spawn for reaching for pepper spray after she talked about “the beast with two backs” (that conjures up a monstrous image!) and her father needing his copulatory organ reattached after she stabbed him, yikes!! Way to cheer Spawn on his sickbed. Well, it should get ever more cheery (not!) with the frightful Princess arriving LOL! I hope Spawn feels better real soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Madilyn, I think that Spawn wished he hadn’t even opened his eyes that morning. If I’d known Ophelia was going to pay a visit, I would have put out the garlic and crucifixes. As it was, waving a packet of Garlic bread at her, didn’t quite do the trick. As for Princess…

      Not sure what’s wrong with my baby boy. It’s 11:12 am and he’s still asleep, so no school today. Better hide my naked Cowboys DVDs.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, I didn’t think of that Kimberley. It was bad enough trying to get rid of those Ebola infected monkeys! If he’s not better in a few days, I’ll make him an appointment to see the witch doctor…sorry, I mean the doctor. As for those casual visitors, I wonder how much plutonium costs on ebay?


  5. Opening the door to that pair I’m surprised your heart hasn’t given out and you still have hair.
    Are they allowed to wander the streets or do they just kind of materialise outside your front door?

    I do love your posts about Spawn and his mates. Crack me up every time girl

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr D, I tried locking the door to the pair, but Ophelia just flies through the window and Princess slithers under the door. They pretty much have free reign of the streets. People run and hide when they see Ophelia and run and violently vomit when they see Princess.

      Thanks Mr D. Just gotta find some time to write about his current crop of buddies.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Finding time. I need to do that. Not written a thing in weeks but work has been manic.

        I can’t wait to hear about Spawns other mates. Just give me a heads up so I can finish my coffee before reading and avoid chucking it all done my front. Have a lovely evening.

        Time for bed girl. Err. That wasn’t an invitation just that I’ve been up since 4am and need to do so again tomorrow and I’m knackered and….. oh for Gods sake, when in a hole stop digging!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Your sex ed film was graphic when you were a kid? For us, boys and girls were sent into two separate rooms to giggle at a bunch of silly reel-to-reel euphemisms.

    Good to see Ophelia again. 🙂

    It’s brilliant the way you use the pics on your post.

    Liked by 2 people

    • The thing is Susan, it was done in such a way that it seemed natural. Years later, watching a man ‘insert’ himself into a woman and the various techniques of ‘enjoying the pleasures of the palm’, had me spitting my double chocolate mocha, across the living room! I think I was the last generation to have seen it before it was banned.

      Aww thank you. 🙂


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