I’m Fairly Certain That I’m Dying From Consumption.

swoon1*Sighs deeply*

6421a-evil“Good god mother, what are you doing there? For a moment, I thought a beached whale had been washed ashore and had somehow, landed upon our living room sofa.”

swoon2“I’m dying. I’m pretty sure I have consumption.”

6421a-evil“You do not have consumption you feeble woman. The only consumption you have is when you consume your body weight in chocolate. Even elephants have less body mass index than you do…although not baby elephants. They probably weigh the same size as you…but with much smaller posteriors”.

swoon7“Dammit Spawn! Can’t a woman die from an 18th century disease in peace?!”

6421a-evil“Well you if haven’t expired from being morbidly obese, you’re hardly likely to depart this life now, are you?”

swoon9“You know what? I’m probably going to blog about this later and I don’t appreciate all the sly digs about my weight. I’m not even fat. Yes, my booty is a tad on the plump side and yes, I do have a liitle underarm batwing and yes, I am a little top heavy in the breasticle department but that hardly constitutes as being fat. If anything, I’m curvaceous and every curve is in it’s right place.”

6421a-evil“If the right place is for your upper lady parts to rest lowly upon your stomach and for your stomach to reside upon the floor, then yes mother, your curves are indeed in the right place”.

swoon10*cough*  Can’t hear you, *cough* on account of the fact that I’m dying from consumption. *coughs*

6421a-evil“Isn’t consumption a wasting disease? With that amount of curves mother, you could be wasting away for a good few years. I believe that fishermen have removed less blubber from that of the whale.”

swoon8“I’ve had enough of all your insults, you stain on the bed-sheet of humanity. Refrain from your disparaging remarks and away with you at once. Shit! I’m beginning to sound like you! This talking like a Victorian gent crap is becoming catchy. I must be sicker than I thought”.

6421a-evil“Only in the head mother. Only in the head”.

So, it turns out that I wasn’t suffering from consumption after all. Just the result of my Chronic Fatigue. Still, I could have had consumption. I hear it’s back in vogue now and I’ve always been an ‘old school’ kinda woman. If it ain’t an 18th century disease, then I’m not succumbing to it. Just waiting for the Black Death to make a reappearance and then I’ll be the talk of the town…literally.

~Lily

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35 thoughts on “I’m Fairly Certain That I’m Dying From Consumption.

  1. How about leprosy? You could have that until something heavy but not terribly essential drops off, just to accelerate the weight loss. Maybe a lower limb, shin bones are pretty dense after all. Then, when you’re at the weight you want to be, you can start taking antibiotics, and get it all cleared up. Simples.

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  2. I am pretty sure I am dying from Over Consumption. I do fear I am drinking not enough water (in the form of beer). I must improve for the sake of the species, specifically in beer. I am brewing my second batch currently, and several people enjoyed the first batch.

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  3. I dont know about consumption although I do know about consuming ice cream. I am still pondering a witty reply at present to your post although after much DIY My genius at being witty has gone entirely from the mind of myself and is laughing at me from over the other side of the room. Much in the same way the cats do to annoy me.

    I think the Lil man should be outside climbing trees and pointing at worms and the like. as kids do on the last days of the long summer holiday rather than giving you a hard time as you rest on the sofa. I mean he has many happy years ahead of him to annoy you and threaten to send you into a home. . . . I sure I cant be the only one that happens to on a regular basis, with mutterings of madness.

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    • Ooh, did somebody say ice cream?!

      Mr Z, my genius at being witty died a while ago. I’m holding a memorial service for it next week. At least it won’t be lonely as It will be buried alongside my sanity, will to live and my lost youth.

      The Lil man can’t even climb the stairs, let alone a tree and his hatred of worms, has him screaming like a 12 year old girl at a one direction concert. (high pitched and deafening) Annoying me has become his number one pastime and he already has the old folk’s home that I’ll be living in, written in his DIARY OF EVIL.

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  4. Curves…. I like to think that my body likes to jiggle with each move.. its like having their own dance moves.

    I think Spawn should become a doctor, obviously has a great bedside manner and so emphatic to people on their death bed. You could have had the black plague for all he knew. Ungrate!

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    • There I was, dying from an 18th century wasting disease and did I even get offered a cup of tea? Hell no. Seriously, I could have been dying for all he knew…which I kinda sorta was.

      I like that description of your curves Ms B. It sounds rhythmic.Nothing wrong with having some junk in your trunk. It cushions the pushin’.

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  5. I’m glad to read it’s not yet consumption and the so far the plague hasn’t set in. While it will probably be my diabetes that gets me, I hope I spontaneously combust before that. I wanna leave everyone talking.

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    • During the summer holidays, I may have put on a tad too much weight. If I am eventually consumed by consumption, at least i’ll lose that added extra. I mean i’d be dead, which would undoubtably help the weight to just drop off, but my corpse will look fabulous…apart from the rotting and decaying and stuff…

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  6. It certainly is making a return. The perils of the increased mobility of everyone in the world but without the healthcare advances we’ve taken for granted for 40/50 years. I think some areas of the UK – London, large cities etc. need to consider bringing back the TB jab we all used to line up for at school

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      • If you look up the word ‘curve’ in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Jessica Rabbit. I love my curves, though I have added a little extra since the 6 weeks holiday…and my butt could be used as a ledge…and okay, my boobs clap when I lie on my side, but I’ve been both way too fat and far too skinny throughout the years, so being curving is fine by me.

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    • Ah, the TB jab from which we all still bear the scar. And don’t forget the sugar cube that was injected with, I think it was the polio vaccine.
      The scary thing is that a little girl in the US, was diagnosed with the Plague recently. We really do seem to be heading back to the 18th century.

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  7. Two of the things that popped into my mind while reading this: first, the (very) old movie “Camille” starring Greta Garbo. Now THAT gal knew how to squeeze every bit of melodrama out of dying from consumption. Second is the song “The Greatest Star” from “Funny Girl,” where Barbra Streisand sings, “I’m a natural Camille; as Camille I just feel I’m a natural cougher.” (followed by a hacking cough.)

    Anyhow, funny post. I hope you’re feeling better. Alas, perhaps you can get the vapors, a condition that struck many tightly-corseted women during Civil War times. No need to even wear a corset to get this old-fashioned condition. Just eat a hearty bunch of beans. 🙂

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    • Thanks Susan.

      Heehee, I never realised that lyric in The Greatest Star. As, for Ms Garbo, that woman could die with style. Talking about styles, the latest fad to contain curves, is the corset. I’m thinking of purchaing one so that I can fully practice the art of swooning. I always fancied having heavy bosoms whilst I say in a Southern drawl, “why sir, I do believe I have a touch of the vapors.”

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      • You can always swoon in my direction girl.

        As for Spawn, just don’t let him discover the number for Greenpeace. You really don’t need a bunch of people dressed in hemp and crocks rocking up to chuck you back in the sea. The Thames is cleaner than it was but it ain’t that clean.

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        • Just be ready to catch me when I do swoon Mr D. Although according to Spawn, you’d need a crane to lift me…little bugger…

          Greenpeace will find nothing here. The only Free Willy around here is my collection of male…er…art…erm…photos…*ahem*

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  8. I say yay to curvaceous just like Jessica Rabbit!! Well it could have been consumption, those 18th century diseases keep coming back around (some cases of plague in the Western US, yikes!) and you are an ‘old school’ kinda woman! I see that Susan above mentioned Great Garbo’s great performance as a consumptive courtesan in Camille. Nicole Kidman won an Oscar for playing a sexy consumptive cabaret singer in Moulin Rouge, so you’d be in good company.

    Lily, I love your post, it’s very funny, but I know Chronic Fatigue is really no laughing matter. I’ve seen the toll it takes on friends. Hugs to you and hope you’re feeling better! Btw, I love all those Victorian images, I’m a sucker for Victorian stuff (the clothes, the literature, but not so much the diseases!). 🙂

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    • Madilyn, I was thinking of Nicole Kidman hacking her lungs out while I was writing this. Somehow, those women made dying from consumption look sexy.

      Apparently, a girl caught the plague after visiting the Yosemite National Park. It seems that on average, 7 cases are reported each year, but it’s only fatal if the sufferer doesn’t seek treatment. The number may be relatively small, but it’s still frightening knowing that it exists.

      Thanks Madilyn.I’m sure you know through your friends, that some days are better than others. Even turning on the laptop today, resulted in me having to rest for 2o minutes and I’m not exaggerating.

      Ooh, I do love the Victorian era. Those people knew how to live…apart from those suffering with consumption.

      Liked by 1 person

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