As a mother, I have always encouraged my child to follow in his dreams and to do what ultimately, will makes him happy. World Domination was not what I had in mind. However, I have always believed that in order to make a big impact, you must at first, start small. If only Spawn had simply set his sights on something a little less grandiose, like invading a small nation perhaps, then he would have had my complete blessing. But when cats with laser beam eyes are scorching holes in the furniture and there are minions wrestling naked in the bathtub, then it’s time to put an end to all this nonsense. So to cease this absurdity once and for all, I have brought Spawn here to issue forth an apology, especially for the ‘Ebola in a can’ fiasco.
“Seriously child”, (said through clenched teeth and years of sexual deprivation)” if you do not do this properly, I’m gonna put my boot so far down your throat, that you’ll have to put toothpaste up your arse in order so that you can brush your teeth”.
“Okay Okay! Calm down mother, before you rapture a blood vessel thereby causing a cerebral aneurysm, which undoubtedly will result in a weakness in the wall of your cerebral artery causing localized dilation and which will ultimately, result in your imminent death…hopefully”.
“People of Earth, I humbly apologise for any grief or trauma that I may have caused, when I inadvertently threatened you all with mass destruction. To Mrs Wilkinson who at the hands of my army of laser beam cats, experienced some slight discomfort when she spontaneously combusted, I offer my deepest feelings of remorse…it was meant for your husband. To all those that I sought to turn into mindless drones, I strongly regret that the chloroform used in your capture, wasn’t enough to keep you sedated and from thus running off and reporting me to the authorities. To the minions in the bathtub who had to witness the heinous and most disturbing image of mother joining you all, counselling with a top therapist has been provided. But I warn you, no amount of therapy will ever rid you of the visual representation of all that jiggling flesh. In fact it is suffice to say, that it will haunt your dreams forever, as it has haunted mine. For the felines that I have mutilated in my quest for the perfect army, you have my most sincere regret. I hope that the mechanical legs with springboard action that I have fitted you all with, will compensate for any undue distress that I may have caused. But most of all I am sorry that I ever posted my plans on this wretched blog. For if it hadn’t been for that pesky Mother Creature, then I would have gotten away with it!”
“I despise you, you monstrous sea hag!! (storms up stairs…evilly) May you burn fiercely in the fires of hell, or a least affect a slight sheen of perspiration in the kitchen, whilst cooking the evening meal. May your bones wither and decay and your skin melt away in the flames…although with that much fat, you could burning for a week. May you…”