It’s Bad Enough That My Womb Once Housed Evil, But When That Evil Threatens World Domination; Then It’s Time To Kick Arse.

 As a mother, I have always encouraged my child to follow in his dreams and to do what ultimately, will makes him happy. World Domination was not what I had in mind. However, I have always believed that in order to make a big impact, you must at first, start small. If only Spawn had simply set his sights on something a little less grandiose, like invading a small nation perhaps, then he would have had my complete blessing. But when cats with laser beam eyes are scorching holes in the furniture and there are minions wrestling naked in the bathtub, then it’s time to put an end to all this nonsense. So to cease this absurdity once and for all, I have brought Spawn here to issue forth an apology, especially for the ‘Ebola in a can’ fiasco.

 “I’m sorrythatItriedtotakeovertheworld”. (said petulantly, as well as evilly)

 “Do it properly!”

 (Heavy sigh before beginning) “Insolent creatures of Earth…!”

 “Seriously child”, (said through clenched teeth and years of sexual deprivation)” if you do not do this properly, I’m gonna put my boot so far down your throat, that you’ll have to put toothpaste up your arse in order so that you can brush your teeth”.

 “Fine I’ll apologize…but I won’t mean it”. (pouts evilly)

“SPAWN!!!!”

 “Okay Okay! Calm down mother, before you rapture a blood vessel thereby causing a cerebral aneurysm, which undoubtedly will result in a weakness in the wall of your cerebral artery causing localized dilation and which will ultimately, result in your imminent death…hopefully”.

 ” Okay…where’s my boot…?”

  “People of Earth, I humbly apologise for any grief or trauma that I may have caused, when I inadvertently threatened you all with mass destruction. To Mrs Wilkinson who at the hands of my army of laser beam cats, experienced some slight discomfort when she spontaneously combusted, I offer my deepest feelings of remorse…it was meant for your husband. To all those that I sought to turn into mindless drones, I strongly regret that the chloroform used in your capture, wasn’t enough to keep you sedated and from thus running off and reporting me to the authorities. To the minions in the bathtub who had to witness the heinous and most disturbing image of mother joining you all, counselling with a top therapist has been provided. But I warn you, no amount of therapy will ever rid you of the visual representation of all that jiggling flesh. In fact it is suffice to say, that it will haunt your dreams forever, as it has haunted mine. For the felines that I have mutilated in my quest for the perfect army, you have my most sincere regret. I hope that the mechanical legs with springboard action that I have fitted you all with, will compensate for any undue distress that I may have caused. But most of all I am sorry that I ever posted my plans on this wretched blog. For if it hadn’t been for that pesky Mother Creature, then I would have gotten away with it!”

“Right, that’s it. Go to your room”.

” But that’s not fair! I did as you asked, you harridan of perpetual malevolence. “

“And they’ll be no more pink milk for you, until you stop all this Despotic Tyrannical Ruler business”.

 “I despise you, you monstrous sea hag!! (storms up stairs…evilly) May you burn fiercely in the fires of hell, or a least affect a slight sheen of perspiration in the kitchen, whilst cooking the evening meal. May your bones wither and decay and your skin melt away in the flames…although with that much fat, you could burning for a week. May you…”

 “That’s it! You‘re grounded!  And get rid of those dammed Ebola carrying monkeys! I’ve got a date tonight. Just don’t get rid of the one called Cesar, he’s the one taking me out on a date.”

~Lily

 

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18 thoughts on “It’s Bad Enough That My Womb Once Housed Evil, But When That Evil Threatens World Domination; Then It’s Time To Kick Arse.

  1. To tell the truth with Donald Trump on the brink of taking over the USA, I think I might prefer the Lil man, at least he is sensible and would make a good world dictator. I am only saying this in case he does become leader of the world, then I might avoid those pesky cats with the lasers. We have enough issues with the ones we have and they just have regular claws and a grumpy disposition. I can see a small fortune to be made in flogging Bath Minions, a nice modern replacement for the plastic duck which has sort of lost its street cred.

    Talking of cans I finally found a can of that Ebola in a Can . . . . Cheers.

    AH DAMN

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    • It’s alright for you Mr Z. The Lil Man has assured me that the likes of you and Mr H, are to be spared. Right now, I’m having to bargain between life imprisonment, being the leader of his monkey army, or immediate death. For some reason, he keeps swaying towards immediate death.
      And DON’T DRINK THAT CAN OF…Oh dear…

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  2. Oh, what the heck. At least he has big ambitions, and plans for the future, which is more than you can say for a lot of young people these days. Heck, he’ll even have an army of monkeys to support him and his endeavors. (Or, endeavours, if you’d prefer.) That’ll take some of the pressure off of you, and allow you some free time to date some of those hot monkeys.

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    • You’re right Susan. But I’m getting fed up with conversations like this…

      Spawn-“Can I borrow your card?”
      Me-“Why?”
      Spawn- “I want to order a few things online…do you think Amazon sells Anthrax?”
      Me- “The card doesn’t work with Amazon and no.”
      Spawn- “Hmmm…I’ll try ebay then.”
      Me- “For the love of God, somebody please put me out of my misery.

      Them monkeys are HOT once you get to know them. 😉

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  3. Thank you, Lily! 🙂 Spawn, your apology (even though under threat of a boot!) is accepted by this mere creature of earth abiding in a land across the sea. I have to say though that it was certainly a very clever albeit diabolical master plan and gotta give you credit for thinking big, really big!! So I am assuming it’s safe to drink canned beverages again? Hmmm…perhaps I’ll stick to coffee and tea while on the lookout for an army of laser beam cats ‘cause one cannot be too cautious!

    Lily, I must add that after reading rob z tobor’s comment above on that grotesque circus clown Donald Trump running for president in my country (big ugh!!) I totally agree with rob that I’d take Spawn as world dictator any day over that mean-spirited blowhard idiot with the ugly rug on his head!! Well, good to know if world domination comes about, at least we might have some choices LOL! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Madilyn, please don’t encourage the future tyrannical and despotic ruler of the world, he still has a ton of homework to do first. Not sure if canned drinks are back on the menu. He has withdrawn the Ebola virus from some cans, though some remain in others. He’s now calling it ‘Ebola Cola surprise.’ The surprise being that it still contains Ebola.

      I have taken the imminent rise of the Trump (hee hee, great description of him) as a sure sign that the Apocalypse is soon near. It’s a sad day when I prefer the company of Spawn over others. ie. Trump and his minions.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I made it as far as “said through clenched teeth and years of sexual deprivation” before I laughed out loud, which startled the cat into glaring at me, so of course I’m assuming those eyes will soon be lasers and Spawn is in the other room with his remote control, evilly contemplating evil things. So I am now trapped at my desk, despite a gnawing need to pee, because the loo is on the OTHER side of Spawn, but I’m too ancient and feeble to make it past him without dying in an ungraceful way…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Brian. As we all know, dying should always be done gracefully. I do hope your bladder holds out. I myself cannot go to the toilet without the Spawn’s cries of “Oh my god woman, what did you eat, a zombie?” And “I could bottle that stench and use it for chemical warfare!” Echoing in my ear. And I’d hide that cat if I were you. I heard him honing his ‘lase cat eye’ attachment earlier on.

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      • Update: All is well with the bladder. It took a bit of subterfuge, the hurling of a rather noisy cat toy in a direction that I didn’t plan to pursue, and some ungainly grunting and running on my part, but I made it to the privy. Whew!

        Liked by 1 person

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