Now I know that I was supposed to post the second installment to ‘Fear Ye Not…’but a couple of rather important issues have since arisen. Mostly, it’s to do with some personal matters, but mainly, and this is the most significant part, I can’t be arsed. Recently, temperatures have risen to ‘apocalypse degrees Fahrenheit’ and even as I write this, there are cats melting on the pavements of Britain. Old people everywhere are having to forgo their dentures due to severe dehydration, major shrinkage has occurred to their gum region and so therefore, their dentures can no longer fit. This has led to the shortfall of candies being shared out and consumed between the aged, which in turn, has led to less demand and supply.
This means that the shops no longer stock the saccharine goodness, which has had the knock on effect of breaking the hearts of children everywhere. Unable to console their cherubs, parents have been hunting high and low for places that still stock a minimum supply of the good stuff. But the competition has been fraught with danger as parent turn against parent, man against woman, brother against sister, friends against enemies, although the friends and enemy fraction were turned against each other anyway, hence why they were enemies in the first place, man against man, woman against woman…okay, now it just sounds like I’m detailing scenes from the local gay and lesbian nightclub, but you get the picture. The streets have now become a battle ground due to the fierce and harsh sun and the bodies of the slain now line our streets. And that is the reason why I am unable to post. That and the fact that I still can’t be arsed. So instead, here’s a post from Spawn. Enjoy.
Enjoy The New Fruity Flavour Of New ‘Ebola Cola.’ It’s New.
Salutations life forms, it is I, Spawn. A few years ago, I introduced a new concept to the world. As part of my ongoing plans for achieving world domination, I had to find a new and exciting way to subdue the vermin that run widely through the towns and cities, spreading their filth and contaminating all within their reach; and by vermin, I mean you, the public. And so I came up with Ebola Cola™. Unfortunately the concept failed. Apparently the tag line, “New Ebola Cola is so fruity, it will have you squirming with joy, as you also squirm around in the effluent outpourings of the viscous putrescence that is your decaying innards,” wasn’t catchy enough. So now two years on, I have decided to have another stab at it, as opposed to stabbing the wretched woman who calls herself ‘Mother.’ Still, good things come to those who wait.
So in keeping with the subject of my take-over bid, I bring you my latest invention.
That’s right, it’s Ebola, in a can!
At first I had the brilliant idea of injecting monkeys with the Ebola strain and then releasing them onto the general public but according to Wikipedia the virus has to be spread through infected blood and bodily fluids. Now I don’t want my monkeys biting people, they’re not animals, well they are but they’re not savages, well they are but I only intend to breed dignified monkeys. So I was hoping that a quick handshake and a “how do you do” with a human, would do the trick. But it would seem not. And when I asked the Wretched Mother Creature how they could pass on their bodily fluids to a human, she just projectile vomited across the living room area.
New from ‘Gut U Like A Fish inc’, comes a brand new taste experience. A drink that will have your taste buds bursting like an aortic aneurysm, with it’s fruity flavours and your tongue reeling with the sensation of a peanut allergy. EBOLA COLA™. With it’s mouthwatering freshness of newly produced saliva, Ebola Cola™ will leave you tingling with excitement or possibly the beginnings of a heart attack.
Active Ingredients in New Ebola Cola™ include:
- Amino acids
- Lipid bilayer
- Belly button lint
- Tears of a small child
- Diet coke
- Toe nail clippings
- My hopes and dreams
- The souls of the damned
So try new EBOLA COLA™ today and enjoy it’s fruity flavours like it’s your last day on this earth…which it will be after you drink it.
Can be used as used as part of a calorie controlled diet.
May cause blindness, sickness and death.
* Ebola Cola ™, is a subsidiary of ‘Gut U Like A Fish inc’ and the sole property of me. It’s mine I tell you, ALL MINE!!