Enjoy The New Fruity Flavour Of New ‘Ebola Cola.’ It’s New.

Now I know that I was supposed to post the second installment to ‘Fear Ye Not…’but  a couple of rather important issues have since arisen. Mostly, it’s to do with some personal matters, but mainly, and this is the most significant part, I can’t be arsed. Recently, temperatures have risen to ‘apocalypse degrees Fahrenheit’ and even as I write this, there are cats melting on the pavements of Britain. Old people everywhere are having to forgo their dentures due to severe dehydration, major shrinkage has occurred to their gum region and so therefore, their dentures can no longer fit. This has led to the shortfall of candies being shared out and consumed between the aged, which in turn, has led to less demand and supply.

This means that the shops no longer stock the saccharine goodness, which has had the knock on effect of breaking the hearts of children everywhere. Unable to console their cherubs, parents have been hunting high and low for places that still stock a minimum supply of the good stuff. But the competition has been fraught with danger as parent turn against parent, man against woman, brother against sister, friends against enemies, although the friends and enemy fraction were turned against each other anyway, hence why they were enemies in the first place, man against man, woman against woman…okay, now it just sounds like I’m detailing scenes from the local gay and lesbian nightclub, but you get the picture. The streets have now become a battle ground due to the fierce and harsh sun and the bodies of the slain now line our streets. And that is the reason why I am unable to post. That and the fact that I still can’t be arsed. So instead, here’s a post from Spawn. Enjoy.

Enjoy The New Fruity Flavour Of New ‘Ebola Cola.’ It’s New.

Salutations life forms, it is I, Spawn. A few years ago, I introduced a new concept to the world. As part of my ongoing plans for achieving world domination, I had to find a new and exciting way to subdue the vermin that run widely through the towns and cities, spreading their filth and contaminating all within their reach; and by vermin, I mean you, the public. And so I came up with Ebola Cola™. Unfortunately the concept failed. Apparently the tag line, “New Ebola Cola is so fruity, it will have you squirming with joy, as you also squirm around in the effluent outpourings of the viscous putrescence that is your decaying innards,” wasn’t catchy enough. So now two years on, I have decided to have another stab at it, as opposed to stabbing the wretched woman who calls herself ‘Mother.’ Still, good things come to those who wait.

So in keeping with the subject of my take-over bid, I bring you my latest invention.

That’s right, it’s Ebola, in a can!

At first I had the brilliant idea of injecting monkeys with the Ebola strain and then releasing them onto the general public but according to Wikipedia the virus has to be spread through infected blood and bodily fluids. Now I don’t want my monkeys biting people, they’re not animals, well they are but they’re not savages, well they are but I only intend to breed dignified monkeys. So I was hoping that a quick handshake and a “how do you do” with a human, would do the trick. But it would seem not. And when I asked the Wretched Mother Creature how they could pass on their bodily fluids to a human, she just projectile vomited across the living room area.

 So what better way to pass on the virus, but through a soft drink. Anyway, here’s the new ad campaign.

New from ‘Gut U Like A Fish inc’, comes a brand new taste experience. A drink that will have your taste buds bursting like an aortic aneurysm, with it’s fruity flavours and your tongue reeling with the sensation of a peanut allergy. EBOLA COLA™. With it’s mouthwatering freshness of newly produced saliva, Ebola Cola™ will leave you tingling with excitement or possibly the beginnings of a heart attack.

Active Ingredients in New Ebola Cola™  include:

  • Amino acids
  • Virgins
  • Lipid bilayer
  • RNA
  • Nitroglycerin
  • Belly button lint
  • Tears of a small child
  • Diet coke
  • Toe nail clippings
  • My hopes and dreams
  • Steve
  • The souls of the damned
  • Sugar.

So try new EBOLA COLA™ today and enjoy it’s fruity flavours like it’s your last day on this earth…which it will be after you drink it.

Can be used as used as part of a calorie controlled diet.

May cause blindness, sickness and death.

* Ebola Cola ™, is a subsidiary of ‘Gut U Like A Fish inc’ and the sole property of me. It’s mine I tell you, ALL MINE!!

Spawn

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15 thoughts on “Enjoy The New Fruity Flavour Of New ‘Ebola Cola.’ It’s New.

  1. Well first I need to say here as in over here in a more northerly and westward direction it has not been hot in fact in the last few days we have had thunder and lightning and the sort of rain that would make a man making an ark (or is it arc?) cheer up at as he fills his large boat with every species of monkey known to man. . . . . . . As for breed dignified monkeys. . . . I think the Lil man will have his work cut out I mean I have been to a zoo and they are not dignified and I have also seen Planet of the Apes (I know it was a long time ago on TV and it was raining), so I know you never trust a monkey. Humans were once just clever monkeys and now look at us, if there is one critter on Earth no one should trust its humans, some of them even try and sell dodgy drinks to small children.

    On the plus side in respect to the Ebola in a Can (not Ebola in a Man . . . . . .HAH HAHAH Hah ha hah ah ah ah hhha ha ha ha ha) Ah that might have been in bad taste, much like the drink. Yes anyway the plus side is that sugar is at the bottom of the ingredients list so I guess it can be marketed as Diet Ebola where the T is an optional.

    Have I missed a post Miss Lily I need to investigate . . . . Whats all this . . . I can’t be arsed, I think a trip to the monkey enclosure at the Zoo will deal with an issues to do with arses, why they have to point them at small children and everyone else for that matter. . . Its not right and never happened once in Planet of the Apes.

    This comments has got as long as the one about flies, this is terrible its time for me to use this time towards my own brilliant yet modest post on my own blog.

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    • You’ve jinxed us Mr Z, it’s been nowt but rain misery…just the way I like it. I was growing tired of having the skin burnt off my bones. being skinless, is NOT a good look.

      Ooh, have you not seen those new Planet of the apes movies Mr Z? Cesar the leader (ooh that rhymed) is a very dignified ape…apart from walking around naked…and killing folk. But that’s okay, cos the folks in question are evil. As for diet Ebola Cola, I think that it might impair the quality of the fruity flavour. In fact, I think the Lil man should add more sugar, so that as the obesity rate climbs higher, there would be less chance of the masses running away form the MIGHTY RULE OF THE SPAWN! And no, you haven’t missed a post, but I bet you wish you had.

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  2. Well, that drink isn’t ALL bad. Since sugar is the last ingredient listed, it must not be too calorie-laden. Death-laden, perhaps, but not too sweet. At least one could leave a nice svelte corpse behind.

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    • Spawn originally wanted to use the chemical name for ‘Titin’, (a type of protein) instead of sugar. But as the chemical name contains 189,819 letters and takes three and a half hours to pronounce, there was an argument as to whether it would fit on the can or not. It didn’t. However, all 189,819 letters, could actually fit onto Kim Kardashian’s derrière…with room to spare.

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  3. At last! A drink that contains the tears of a small child. I’m guessing that where the “zing tang” comes from… or is that another drink I’m thinking of.

    I would gladly sell this in my shop.

    Can you deliver?

    What is the whole sale price? Are you VAT registered? Am I taking this a bit too seriously? Do I hate my customers so much I would willingly give them a life threatening virus?

    Yes…. Yes I would.

    Sign me up!

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      • 1. Mr Hogart, we do deliver. Once we RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
        2. The wholesale price is £299 per mililitre.
        3. I don’t even know what VAT registered means. I am but a mere child and have no knowledge of finance and commerce. But I am quite adept at evil doings making mater mourn the life that she had before my very existence.
        4. Not seriously enough, it would seem.
        5. That is truly a wicked thing to say about your customers. Welcome aboard Mr Hogart!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. What havoc has been wrought across the sea in Britain?! Shortage of candies? A sun so harsh it melts cats right on the pavement? Completely understandable that you cannot be expected to write under such unbearable conditions, Lily!!

    Loved Spawn’s post! OMG he is hilarious and so clever…then again, perhaps he’s serious! but no matter, what he wrote made me laugh out loud! One day, he just may achieve world domination while inventing a whole line of fruity drinks!! For now, I will look askance at every can I drink from LOL! 🙂

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    • See, I knew you would understand my plight Madilyn.
      Spawn is deadly serious. Yesterday, he asked me about the effects of LSD. I’m not sure which consumer goods he’s gonna poison next, or if he’s been experimenting at home, but I do have the sudden urge to leap off tall buildings and I’m pretty sure that I was followed home by a giant Mars bar the other day.

      I must admit that I did laugh out loud when I read this. The the Ebola Cola picture was originally used in one of my posts for the 2013 A-Z Challenge, but then he decided that he wanted to rewrite it. I read it, laughed and then said “haha! You really do write like your mama.” To which the little sod replied, “Who’s that then?”

      Liked by 1 person

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