Fear Ye Not, For I Have A Tale To Tell…ooh look, that was an alliteration…

A Soft Caress

The scream when it came, was a terrible sound. It quickened the heart, curdled the blood and caused a lump to form in one’s throat. Vivid images of small limbs ripped from certain body parts and blood splattered walls, lined my jumbled thoughts as I hurriedly climbed the steps, two at a time.

There he stood, a picture of absolute terror, as though what he had seen could never be unseen. Shaking uncontrollably, the boy trembled with such ferocity; it was as though the whole room shook in sympathy of his fright. “What?! What is it?!” I screamed as dread gripped my heart; the pounding of it becoming louder with each passing second.

“It…it came out of nowhere”, screeched the boy. “What came out of nowhere?!” I yelled back, visions of an escaped lunatic waiting to suddenly jump out from his hiding place and bludgeon us both to death. And that’s when I saw it. The winged beast. Like a kamikaze pilot on a suicide mission, the wretched creature maneuvered a path towards us, causing us both to scream. Dropping to the floor before it’s immense wings could clip the tops of our heads, we sought to crawl our way to the safety of the hallway; but soon found our way blocked by the hellish Daemon. We were trapped, held hostage in the confines of the boy’s bedroom.


“It…it touched me. Earlier on, it landed on my arm…well I say touched, but it was more  of a soft caress.”


“You know, I’m pretty sure this isn’t normal behaviour for a housefly.”


“I know! I sort of felt violated at first, but it was such an intimate gesture; that it made me feel almost cherished.”


“Not the bloody fly you ball of pus, US! I’m pretty sure that what we’re doing isn’t normal behaviour.”


“But it almost bit my face off!!”


“For the love of Morgan Freeman Spawn, look at it! You’d need a magnifying glass to see that thing. I hardly think it’s going to bite your face off.”


“Says the woman who swore the spider in her room last week, was trying to kill her.”


“I swear to the love god that is Channing Tatum, that that hairy mofo had a shank! It even threatened that it was gonna cut my pretty face!”


“Now I know that’s a lie.”


“Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating and it didn’t have the power of speech.”


“No, I meant the part about you having a pretty face.”


“You little bag of sh…”


“Er…excuse me…”



Next time on The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose, the fly tells his side of this sorry tale.



29 thoughts on “Fear Ye Not, For I Have A Tale To Tell…ooh look, that was an alliteration…

  1. Flies are the worst thing ever. It’s those little curly straws they have for mouths. ‘Orrible little buggers who walk on poo and eat it as well.

    Filthy little buzzers…..

    That being said…. nope…. can’t think of anything to defend them.

    I’m sure the flies side of the story will be full of lies and hurtful things about peoples grandmothers.

    THAT is how horrible they are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re not wrong Mr H, flies are the pigeons of the insect world. The only purpose they serve, is being the equivalent of a happy meal to spiders. Spawn really did say that it softly caressed his arm (cos he’s a freak) which I then wanted to chop off at the elbow and cleanse in a vat of Dettol. No doubt when, it comes to telling it’s story, it will be filled with ‘your mama’ jokes, cos they’re that evil.


    • Can I wear it as a full body suit? It was like fly warfare the other night. We kept having to duck as they dive-bombed us and all because like his mouth, Spawn couldn’t keep the front door shut!


  2. Not that I’m suggesting this you understand, coz of animal cruelty and all that, but if it had no wings (would it be called a Walk rather than a Fly – yeah the old ones are the best) it would be a damn sight harder for it to smear its poo covered body all over you and Spawn. Unles it gets a lift from that spider. Then you’re both in trouble.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hello H. Robert Bennett. Unfortunately when I take a real life situation and write about it, it seems to not so much run, but gallops wildly and maniacally, away from me and this is the end result. This post is quite tame by my usual standards…not that I have any standards…morally or literary.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I do sometimes save flies. . . . I do not mean put them in a box to eat later or weird stuff like that. No I open windows and flap at them a bit to get them out and wave them a cheery farewell. But as we life in the country and have many country smells and cows peering at us through the windows from time to time. It is not uncommon to find yourself up against the massed armies of various fly overlords who will set upon you in an attempt to rid our house of us. Attacking us in there thousands in a highly coordinated and cunning attack. When they start this unprovoked attack in order to swing the balance of power towards themselves we are forced to unleash our doomsday machine . . . .The Fly Zap, with is blue light of desire which according to the advertising all flies are attracted to. . . Although in truth it is a bit hit and miss some go Oooooooooo look whats that and then explode in a huge bang, while others just fly about shouting NOT BOTHERED.

    DAMN I could have used this as a blog post and now its too late. still it was your fly that started the rambling so it is fitting that all this gibberish should become yet another witty and intellectual comment on your blog Miss Lily . . . OK I must fly now. . . . HAH HAHahahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ha ha hah ah ah ah haahha ha hah ah haha ha ha ha ha ha

    Liked by 2 people

    • Mr Z, as I was read your comment, I thought, wow, this would make a great post. But alas, it is too late. As it is now on my blog, I officially retain the rights to plagiarize…I mean steal…no, what I meant was borrow without permission…poach…pirate…appropriate…this isn’t going too well is it? Seriously though Mr Z, this would have made a fantastic post. (Did I mention I now own the rights?) You can always delete your comment (do it and I’ll sue) and use the material for your own blog. (gonna hunt you down if you do) Gonna go and spread my wings now.


      • They are only words Miss Lily and you may use as many of them as you desire in any order you wish. I might repeat a few of them myself at some point but then I might not. I wait with interest to see what the fly says. Has the fly ever seem that movie the fly I bet that would confuse him a bit, all I did was tell everyone that it was a genetic impossibility as insects have an entirely different structure to humans and the film was silly. And folk said I was a spoil sport.


        • Thanks Mr Z. Getting fed up with these damned flies. The Lil man is currently screaming like a woman in a 1960s Hammer House of Horror movie, because one just got in through the kitchen window. I’ll just go ask it whether it knows anything about genetic structures.


  4. Houseflies live to annoy and taunt us! Lily, I totally believe Spawn (and totally believe that spider threatened you). Jeez, I saw a housefly nearly grab my sandwich one day and fly off with it! A cheese sandwich, no less, the nerve! Flies are not innocents no matter what tale they tell LOL!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha! That must have big one big fly Madilyn, or an extremely tiny sandwich. Thanks for believing my tale. For some reason, people are a bit doubtful. But when that spider pulled out it’s switchblade knife, I truly feared for my life. What is the world coming to, when we have murderous spiders and thieving flies?

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I don’t know HOW you survived such a traumatic experience. I have nothing comparable in my anecdotal repertoire. Oh, except for that time when I was innocently sunbathing by the pool and I felt something skittering on my belly. I cracked an eye to observe a humongous, Godzilla-esque spider navigating said stomach. I reached down to whack the beast away, but before I could accomplish this mission the spider exploded into about 4 million babies that swarmed across my body. Needless to say, as I lunged toward the pool, intent on mass carnage, the intensity of my screams awoke the dead for miles around…

    Liked by 1 person

    • *shivers* Eww, I just got the heebies as well as the jeebies, with a side order of ‘egads’ thrown in, after reading that! *continues to shiver and throw up in mouth a little*

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I have been an awful blog friend and for that I apologize. I love your conversation posts and this is no exception. I’m off to read more, which thanks to being a horrible blog friend I have plenty to cover.


    • Ah Frank, how I have missed thee. No need for apologies, it’s also my fault for being too much of a coward and not asking if you were okay. (fear of rejection blights my life) Anyway, it’s good to see you back. The Internet is far too quiet when you’re gone.


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