In The Beginning…
“For goodness sake Adam, if you play with that thing one my time, I’m taking it away! It’s not a toy! And Eve, how many times do I have to tell you to stay away from that tree? Someone’s been at my Golden Delicious and when I find out who…For the love of me! Adam will you stop touching that thing! Eve, what are you…stop that! I just told Adam not to play with it, that doesn’t mean that you can then go right ahead and…ooh look, I’ve got mail.”
Hello dear, please leteth me introduceth myself. Mine nameth is Luci. Lasteth year, mine father’s uncle’s, cousin twice removed, younger brother’s son, died due to a bout of plague and pestilence. After he passed, he will’d to me some of his priceless treasures. Unfortunately, they hast been tied up for a limit’d timeth and so I hast nay access to them. This is because mine mother’s cousin’s nephew’s daughter’s old’r brother is evil and hath kepteth from me mine rightful inheritance. And so I asketh for thy helpeth. If thou couldst transfereth the sum of one million golden delicious…
Lucifer, if this is you, quit it! I haven’t got time for your nonsense. I’ve got plagues to send, floods to raise, judgments to make and a backlog of Maury to watch. By the way, why do those women always run backstage when Maury announces that the guy is NOT the father? Huh, probably trying to out-run their SHAME! Oh, well that’s judgment done. Just plagues and floods left. And stay away from my Golden delicious!!
The next day, God receives yet another spam mail…
my nameth is
Satan Santana, one of the sons of man and the late fermor ministor of mines and powor in the regime of the late fermor Israel military head of state, Pharaoh Shiek Yiboudi. he married my mothor on the agreement that my mother, Mona Lott, will maintain hor family’s name togethor with hor children. before he died in the hospital on the 15th of novembor 12th Century BCE where he went to operate on the leprosy of the knee, he fixed the sum of 30,000. 000. 00 Golden Delicious in the central bank of Israel Applegate ventures ltd on behalf of my mothor. the 3 yrs maturity period placed on the currency is due but the problem we are having now is that we lost the whole of the scrolls as a result of fire, which gutted our house 3 months ago. we have discussed with our family atterney on how to collect the currency with angry. hitches, he advised us to liaise with a fereignor who will act as the fereign partnor of Applegate ventures ltd and will purpert that the currency in question is urgently needed overseas for an impertant project. it is on this basis i am seeking for assistance. your percentage is negotiable. please note; your age and profession doesn’t really matter in this transaction. waiting for your immediate response. regards,
OH.MY.SELF! Luci, I know it’s you. Cut it out! This is why you’re down there in the fiery pits of hell and the reason why we can’t have nice things. Stay away from the Tree Of Knowledge and stay away from my Golden Delicious! Now the Lychee, you can eat those all you want. I admit those were a bit of a mistake. Too much Ly and not enough chee. And your grammar sucks! Now leave me alone. I’ve got a guest appearance to attend to on Maury. You’ll have to go a long way to find someone gullible enough to fall for your schemes.
“Oh looketh, I’ve receiv’d a new message from Loveth Matcheth com.”