The Evolution Of Spam Mail. God Gets Spammed. Part Two

 In The Beginning…

god2“For goodness sake Adam, if you play with that thing one my time, I’m taking it away! It’s not a toy! And Eve, how many times do I have to tell you to stay away from that tree? Someone’s been at my Golden Delicious and when I find out who…For the love of me! Adam will you stop touching that thing! Eve, what are you…stop that! I just told Adam not to play with it, that doesn’t mean that you can then go right ahead and…ooh look, I’ve got mail.”

mail

snake

Hello dear, please leteth me introduceth myself. Mine nameth is Luci. Lasteth year, mine father’s uncle’s, cousin twice removed, younger brother’s son, died due to a bout of plague and pestilence. After he passed, he will’d to me some of his priceless treasures. Unfortunately, they hast been tied up for a limit’d timeth and so I hast nay access to them. This is because mine mother’s cousin’s nephew’s daughter’s old’r brother is evil and hath kepteth from me mine rightful inheritance. And so I asketh for thy helpeth. If thou couldst transfereth the sum of one million golden delicious…

godLucifer, if this is you, quit it! I haven’t got time for your nonsense. I’ve got plagues to send, floods to raise, judgments to  make and a backlog of Maury to watch. By the way, why do those women always run backstage when Maury announces that the guy is NOT the father? Huh, probably trying to out-run their SHAME! Oh, well that’s judgment done. Just plagues and floods left. And stay away from my Golden delicious!!

The next day, God receives yet another spam mail…

snake2subject: awaitting thy responce.

my nameth is Satan Santana, one of the sons of man and the late fermor ministor of mines and powor in the regime of the late fermor Israel military head of state, Pharaoh Shiek Yiboudi. he married my mothor on the agreement that my mother, Mona Lott, will maintain hor family’s name togethor with hor children. before he died in the hospital on the 15th of novembor 12th Century BCE where he went to operate on the leprosy of the knee, he fixed the sum of 30,000. 000. 00 Golden Delicious in the central bank of Israel  Applegate ventures ltd on behalf of my mothor. the 3 yrs maturity period placed on the currency is due but the problem we are having now is that we lost the whole of the scrolls as a result of fire, which gutted our house 3 months ago. we have discussed with our family atterney on how to collect the currency with angry.  hitches, he advised us to liaise with a fereignor who will act as the fereign partnor of Applegate ventures ltd and will purpert that the currency in question is urgently needed overseas for an impertant project. it is on this basis i am seeking for assistance. your percentage is negotiable. please note; your age and profession doesn’t really matter in this transaction. waiting for your immediate response. regards,

godOH.MY.SELF! Luci, I know it’s you. Cut it out! This is why you’re down there in the fiery pits of hell and  the reason why we can’t have nice things. Stay away from the Tree Of Knowledge and stay away from my Golden Delicious! Now the Lychee, you can eat those all you want. I admit those were a bit of a mistake. Too much Ly and not enough chee. And your grammar sucks! Now leave me alone. I’ve got a guest appearance to attend to on Maury. You’ll have to go a long way to find someone gullible enough to fall for your schemes.

god3

Maury

mail

eve

Eve

“Oh looketh, I’ve receiv’d a new message from Loveth Matcheth com.”

snake3Ho baby. After looking at thy pictures, mine pants feeleth liketh Syria—a lot of unrest. Anyway, doeth thou liketh apples? If so, I hast a proposition for thou…

jesus

The End.

~Lily

Advertisements

19 thoughts on “The Evolution Of Spam Mail. God Gets Spammed. Part Two

    • Thanks Susan. Glad I started your day on a positive one. Timeth to stopeth with all the ‘eth’, methinks. I always readeth my posts out loud whilst editing and my screen is fed up with being covered in spittleth.

      Like

  1. Did I miss this, I think I am losing the plot a bit at present Miss Lily what with one thing and another. I have several apple trees in the garden so I feel I should be a rich man right now but somehow I’m not. Well that can not be right, I think the apples here are all old obscure English varieties such as cox’s (no sniggering) so not the famed Golden Delicious of fame.

    I have a feeling the wasps are eyeing up a full attack on the apples, I dont thing God saw that happening. Keep up the good work, there there is a small plumbing ad at the end of that how come you blog knows I have been looking at radiators . . . . . . Are these apples bugged

    Like

    • Mr Z, I think you lost the plot years ago! Ooh, cox’s (sniggers) I haven’t had one of those in ages. It’s all about exotic fruits nowadays, like Dragon fruit (made with real dragon pieces) and Physalis. (which the not so lil man calls syphilis)

      Thanks Mr Z. I shall endeavour to keep up the good work, even though no one is reading. As for the ad, I think WordPress has the right to show them from time to time, (whether we want them or not) to keep their services free.

      Like

  2. The way satana/satan was talking reminds me of a joke I saw on the internet…. here it is:

    *ahem*

    How do you think the unthinkable?

    (wait for it)

    (get ready…here it comes)

    With an Ith-berg….

    A-hahahahahahahahahahahahah

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Lucifer spamming God with emails asking for golden delicious, too funny!! I love the way you think, Lily. That one from Santana is especially hilarious with the poor grammar. Again, I love your images and the part about Maury cracked me up LOL!

    Like

    • Thanks lovely lady.
      I’m glad you like the way I think Madilyn, not so much my therapist though.

      I admit that I laughed out loud when I thought of the Maury Joke. Is that a bad thing to laugh at your own jokes? Yeah, I thought so.
      Writing the letter from Santana almost caused my head to implode upon itself. I almost killed Google spell check and then had to deal with a visit from the grammar police.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Lovely, as usual. (“…and a backlog of Maury to watch.”) But now let’s talk about me. This character of “Mona Lott”, that’s such a brill appellation. How many Golden Delicious apples would one have to send thou in order to gain the literary rights? I’ve already written three short stories and a prequel concerning Mona and her swiveling hips and I simply MUST OWN THAT NAME. Ahem. Have your people get with my people and let’s work something out, yes?

    Liked by 1 person

    • So am I the only person that thinks “Shiek Yiboudi” is HILARIOUS?!

      Okay, I’ll have my people get with your people, to tell your people that my people would like to get with your people.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Full admission of failure: I did not quite grasp the intricacies of “Shiek Yiboudi” until you forced me to scroll back up, muttering “what the hell am I missing” whilst doing so. I have now seen the light of your wisdom, and I have cued up KC and the Sunshine Band to play on the stereo, allowing me to do a Dance of Tribute in your honor, should I ever actually drag my ass out of this chair.

        Meanwhile, once my people get with your people so your people can get with my people and we set up the the big Meet and Greet, I think we should do so at The Coopers Arms in Weston-on-Trent, Derbyshire. I’ll have to get on a plane to make this happen, but their Carvery is so extraordinary I will happily go into debt to make it happen…

        Liked by 1 person

        • I would sell my left kidney to see you dance tribute to KC and the Sunshine Band. Hell, I’d sell my child…but then in all honesty, I’d sell him for a bag of peanut m&ms.

          The Coopers Arms it is then. Train fares are a bit on the steep side. But with the sale of that kidney, I should be able to afford it.

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply I won't bite...okay, maybe a little nibble...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s