The Evolution Of Spam Mail-The Good Lord Gets Spammed. Part One.

The Evolution Of Spam Mail

In the beginning, there was God. Now there is only so much solitaire an omnipotent guy can playeth and so God in his infinite boredom, decided to indulge in a spoteth of arts and craft and thus created the planets. After fashioning the world out of stringeth, a squeezy washing up bottle and some sticky backeth plastic, God then pronounced (though who he was talking to I don’t knoweth) that he wouldst generate a lighting system. This he called ‘day’ and ‘night’ and all twas good.

TheEarthWasCreatedin6Days

Once the almighty had finish’d with the rewiring, the Supreme Being whipp’d out the crayola which he had invent’d the night ‘ere and colour’d one half of the world blue and the oth’r half green and brown. He wouldst hast colour’d the whole thing black but as is always the way, the black felt-tip pen ranneth out whilst he was colouring the whole of timeth and space.This prov’d to be quite a messy venture and so the Good Lord became verily vexed when his hands became unclean with the efforts of his artistic endevours and thus he created the seas to washeth away the filth and to cleanse the newly formed world, along with his painteth brushes and palettes.

god2

By this timeth, the Exultant One had becometh quite peckish and with nothing but a packet of Hob-Nobs left on the surface of that which he had named ‘The Moon’, God created the creatures of the seas so that he may hast a Fillet-O-Fish for his midday feast and abundantly brought forth the creatures of the skies that moveth, so that he may hast pigeon pie for when the omnipresent hunger pangs struck.

god3

He then brought forth the animals of the landeth; the cattle and the herd. Soon, the ‘Mcburg’r’, the ‘Chops’ and the ‘Nuggets’ roam’d freely upon the newly formed grass until the divine leader in his wisdom, decided that a nameth changeth was in ordereth. After bringing forth some other stuffeth liketh creepy crawlies just so that he couldst scareth the buggery out of me centuries later, God then thought to himself, “leteth us maketh the man in our image”, to which the man said “what’s a man?”

adam and eve2

The man, now named Adam, was given dominion o’er all the creatures of the landeth and seas. but because man hath always been a distemperate bastard and God grew tired of yelling at Adam to “stopeth playing with it or it will fall off”, God also created Eve. Now this all took placeth in six days and so on the seventh day, God rest’d. But of course there is nay rest for the righteous, so on the eighth day, God created the Internet and on the ninth day, God got spamm’d.

adamandeve

~Lily

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22 thoughts on “The Evolution Of Spam Mail-The Good Lord Gets Spammed. Part One.

  1. How come this post is here according to my own blog this post does not exist. . . . Is this some sort of mind game being played by God Himself who knows that I have just discovered I have a flat tyre on my vehicle. I bet it is because I will be removing my wheel in the morning using a Spammer. . . . .HAH HA HAHaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

    Ah that is not so much amusing as true sadly, that god and his mysterious ways. Still once I remove the wheel I will eve it into the back of the other car and take it to the garage where the mechanics will I suspect inform me that it is their day of rest.

    What I need is a sandwich, maybe filled with hot bacon (No hot as it not cold rather than nicked from a burger van).

    I feel I may have headed off in the wrong direction with this comment, which is ironically what Both Adam and Eve did rather early on when chatting with the Big Man (NO not that one but God)

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    • Mr Z, It is no secret that the interweb hates me and so I am not surprised about my blog not being where it is supposed to be. Even Google+ has turned it’s evil back on me and from time to time, won’t let me in to my own account. Obviously God invented the Internet to spite me and he invented the flat tire so that you may express a range of emotions, from anger to confusion to suicidal, when the mechanics tell you that it will take 24 hours to replace, which is code for “two weeks” and then charge you the cost of the national debt. Ooh, it seems that I have headed off in the wrong direction too…Damn!

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    • Do not mocketh the condition that plagues thy moutheth. A lispeth is a terrible affliction indeedeth.
      Ooh, I just had a thought. Maybe I should have written this in the style of Eastenders. “And God said, let there be light, you slaaaaag!” But I’m not sure that the Good Lord Morgan Freeman, would have approved of that.

      I thanketh thee, Mr Dicketh.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Loved the idea of God colouring in the world, bet he had his tongue between his teeth in concentration. Wonder what would have happened if he’d gone over the lines?The world might not have been round! Maybe that’s what happened to the blobby shaped asteroids.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanketh thou Susan. Your comment did fair maketh me laugheth liketh a Hyena on cracketh. Forsooth, I verily doeth apologise f’r making thou swallow thy gum, sweet lady.

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  3. Lily, I sayeth this is the best creation story ever!! The images you added were too funny and the part about Adam was priceless. And then “God got spamm’d” LOL!! Love this post! 🙂

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    • Thanketh thou Madilyn. I just hopeth that I don’t get stoned for my blasphemous nature. Glad you enjoyeth the posteth…seriously, how did these people manage a conversation without spitting all over each other, with all these ‘eth’ words?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Now that I have cleansed my visage of wetness using the trusted tool of the ancient people, The Spittle Scraper (you never left home without it), I must say that I found this rather delightful, my fellow vixen of the vernacular. Fear not the stoning, for you speak the fiery truth, and even if the Almighty gets his knickers in a bunch, you’ve already documented that he has very poor aim. If you should hear a thunderclap, just drop, roll, and carry on. (The bit with the over-sprinkling of assholes on North America? Died.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Brian, tis not just North America that the good lord did sprinkle his dust of arseholery, TIS THE WORLD!
      Heehee, ‘Vixen of the Vernacular.’ I love that so much, I’m thinking of changing my name to it legally.
      Thanks so much for the compliment Mr Lageose. Now it’s time for me to drop and roll, as we are actually in the middle of God’s wrath. Yep, there’s a real-life thunder storm going on as I type. *gulp*

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