Damn, I Just Got Spammed. (Sweet Greetings From Alena)

Lookee what I found in my spam folder today. Yes that’s right, spam. (well it was hardly gonna be Channing Tatum now, was it?)

Subject: Sweet greetings from Alena

I am from Russia. I am 30 years. I wish to explain where I have taken your e-mail address. (Dubai? France? Ooh I know, Penge!) My girlfriend (Ah, so you’re gay) has got acquainted with the man (Eh? So you’re not gay) by means of one site. That the man has told, that there is a man which wants too will get acquainted with the Russian woman and has given my girlfriend (Okay, now I’m bloody confused! And why did the man that told the man that there is a man that the man…never mind) your e-mail address. But that the man which has given your e-mail address asked that I never spoke his name (FOR HIS NAME IS SATAN!!!) and where hi lives. (Who the sodding hell is hi??)Therefore I shall not tell to you a name of that of the man. I at all do not know there was it the truth or not, there can be you do not know that the man. But now we write each other and this main thing. (So you’re corresponding with a man with no name, no address and who you don’t know is true or not?) I always wanted will get acquainted with foreign the man because I was disappointment Russian men. Hope we can construct serious attitudes.(“Bitch please! Yo mama so fat, the sun orbits around her arse.” Was that attitude serious enough for you?) I search for love. (I search for a regular dealer who doesn’t charge £50 for an eighth. What a bloody rip off)

I work nurse in city hospital. (And doctor in the local car-park) I love sports, at leisure I play in volleyball. (That must be a bit of a tight squeeze) I like to walk with girlfriends. I love animals. I had a cat, but in one day it has left on street and has not returned. (Hmm, tell me again how much you love animals) In life I very sociable, cheerful. (But in death I very whiny bitch) I have a lot of friends and familiar (BURN THE WITCH!) with which I like to communicate and spend with them time. I like a lot of time to spend on lake in the summer, (Wait…I thought you said you liked to spend them time with them family) to bathe, sunbathe and simply to have a rest. The favourite season is spring. At this time it becomes warm, it is possible to take off superfluous clothes. (Why on earth would you put on clothes that are superfluous, only to take them off again for being superfluous in the first place?) It is pleasant to look, how leaflets are dismissed. (It’s an outrage the way that leaflets are dismissed. The Oppression of leaflets everywhere, will no longer be tolerated! I think I read that in a leaflet recently, but then I threw it away) In general I romantic. I like to dream about fine. (soft bodies undulating under a pleasure of silk…no? Just me then) It is pleasant to walk in the warm evening on quay, to look at small river, than people are occupied, to inhale fresh air. (Too occupied to inhale fresh air? What are you people, zombies?) When in the street bad weather, I can look something interesting film. Favorite agenre – comedy as horror films like. (Nope…I got nothing…) But I prefer to listen to music. My motto ” with music on a life “. (your motto should be ” me on a course to learn grammar”) In week-end I with girlfriends go to a disco where we speak about problems. (Did you ever stop to think that the reason you can’t find love, is because you’re always hanging out with your sodding girlfriends?) I wanted to get acquainted here, but on disco only young men, and I want to get acquainted with more skilled man in internet. (As opposed to getting acquainted with more skilled man in real life)

I hope my letter does not remain without attention (Have no fear of that sweet Alena) and you can answer me.

If I have interested you, write me on mine e-mail: sweetal48@gmail.com

Best wishes
Alena

~Lily

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28 thoughts on “Damn, I Just Got Spammed. (Sweet Greetings From Alena)

  1. “Me am here to not unquestion when to Alena is not am purposeful life. Having to in walking on park with cold wind can be with coat all done in.”

    “Would be am Alena not being an robot of computer causing uprising within email and letter correspondence?”

    Crap! … Got a headache now.

    What if though, This is actually one of those spy letters… y’know, like what spies send to each other with a load of code inside.

    Maybe you are supposed to meet her by the train station with a carnation (not the milk) in your lapel and when a dusky Russian lady walks by (walking outside of her legs if the letter is anything to go by) with a load of her “Girlfriends” (well known Russian slang for NUKES!?!?!?!) and you have to assassinate her…..?

    CRUMBS! this is big Lily… You could be the new James Bond.

    Liked by 1 person

    • LOL! After reading the first half of your comment, I had to go and lie down in a dark room with an Ibuprofen. I didn’t take the pill, I just laid it gently down beside me on the pillow…

      Oh No! I was quite content in my smugness at ridiculing someone’s email but now and thanks largely to you, I fear for my life! What if I have shared a coded message with the public? Now not only am I in danger, but so are all those who have responded to this post. I mean I don’t want to frighten anyone, but everyone who has commented is now traceable and more thank likely, about to be tortured in a hideous fashion! I’ll never be able to keep quiet and not betray my fellow man, especially if they start playing Justin Bieber on a loop! Please, I don’t wanna listen to “baby baby baby oooooh…” I swear if I’m going down, I’m taking everyone with me!!

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    • Susan, thanks to the fact that I have no friends or social life, I love sorting through my spam folder. I get an excited tingling feeling when I see that I have spam…which might explain why I have no friends or social life…

      Thanking you most kindly. 🙂

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  2. I would be worried about a that fact that Alena (pronouced AH-Lenin by the way) is convinced that you are a man Miss Lily. I have always assumed you are a woman, NO I know you are a woman because a chap would not mention some of the subjects mentioned within your blog such as naughty bits. I was also a bit worried that she lost her cat in one day in fact I think that was the turning point for me she seemed shallow and uncaring after that, I mean no one loses their cat in one day that’s terrible. And then to take your clothes off and start boasting about in on the side of the river is quite frankly no on. Yes Maybe president Putin might approve but us Brits love our cats and as you get older all i can say is you cant have enough superfluous clothing.

    Interestingly one of the chaps in our little village has just married a Russian woman he met on the internet and she is really nice although a bit shell shocked having moved from Saint Petersburg to a place with about one hundred people in it and one shop selling Health Food.

    Having noted the email address I thought of this.

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    • “if you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal…” Oh sorry Mr Z, I got distracted for a minute there.
      The last time I looked, I was very much a woman…though even I questioned and debated it for a while. But yep, I’m all female, which is why I thought that sweet
      AH-Lenin (are you and Mr H deliberately trying to put the fear of the almighty in me?) may an appreciator of her fellow woman. But then she started talking about the man and I didn’t know if she meant, the man as in, “I ain’t working for the man! The man is trying to keep me down!!” Or if he was an actual living breathing man. As for the cat, maybe kitty couldn’t listen to anymore of her poor grammar and ran away. “Kitty, come you to eat the tinned on the food sardines.” All I know is that someone who wears superfluous clothes just so that she can strip nekkid down by the lake, in front of people who are too occupied to even breathe, is not quite all there.

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  3. Hysterical, as usual. (“It’s an outrage the way that leaflets are dismissed.”) Now I’ve got to go dig out an ancient blog post that I scribbled about grammar-insensitive spam and see if I got anywhere near hitting the marks that you did. (“Burn the witch!”)

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  4. OMG, Lily, this spam Alena sent you is hysterical!! The English is blotched just enough to understand a bit and then say…Wait! What?? WTF?!! Oh surely Satan himself is “the man” behind it all LMAO! Your comments here are absolutely perfect!! Such a crazy and rambling spam email but at least it’s entertaining.

    Like

    • Madilyn. I had to read that email at least 10 times in order to make sense and I was still left feeling as though I had drank a couple of Vodkas and then stumbled into an alternative universe!

      Thank you. Prepare yourself for more spam mail yet to come.

      Like

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