WARNING- The following post may contain gratuitous images and texts which some may found gratuitous in their gratuitousness. Those of you who are of a sensitive nature, should be made fully aware that the sensitivity of this subject matter is indeed sensitive in the matter of the subject. And so without further ado, I bring you-
Have A Happy One.
Throughout the annuls (hee hee) of time, womankind has had bestowed upon her, a curse brought forth from ages past. This solemn utterance became invoked, when the good lord did spake and proclaimed the fruit from the knowledge tree forbidden, for Eve saw the tree and the tree was good…greedy bitch.
Un-heeding the words of the heavenly father, who should have known better than to telleth a woman what to doeth, Eve taketh of the fruit and having eateth half, gaveth Adam the other half.
Adam who haveth partaken of the eateth of the fruit giveth, proved himselfeth to be a massive wimpeth. For when God asked, “who hath eateth from the tree of knowledge?” Adam pointed a cowardly finger at Eve and sayeth, “She did.” Whereupon Eve proclaimed Adam to be a traitorous bastardeth.
And so veryily onwards through the centuries, woman has been made to suffer for the sins of Eve, whilst mankind geteth away with shit… eth.
Eve facing the scorn of ages past.
The very fact that I have to walk around for the best part of a week with a wad of material blocking up the entrance to my bat cave, does not allow for a ‘Merry Menstruation’ moment.
Because periods are:
A time where we may undergo a massive change in our otherwise pleasant personalities.
A time where it can seem as though we are beset by violent fits of rage…
…which may manifest itself in a show of anger, especially when what we consider to be a sensitive subject, is brought to the fore.
Most of the time though, we just feel ill…
…and bloated.
And occasionally, the signs of depression may rear it’s ugly head.
So the next time someone tells me to have a Happy Period, I may be inclined to start Happy Slapping.
That is all.
~Lily
The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose 
What. . . Who . . . what’s all this about. . . . . . . I dont understand . . . . . I will go and hide for a while. . . . . I have closed my eyes and am thinking Happy. . . ice cream and bacon butty’s with chips . . . . .Yep Happy Happy Happy.
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I did warn you Mr Z, by putting up a warning, warning you to beware of what I had be-warned.
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I had my eyes closed
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Okay, then next time I’ll put a warning in the title Mr Z.
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Verily, verily, that is trueth. (And funnieth as hell.)
If men got periods, they’d be bragging about the size of their tampons. 🙂
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LOL! Oh god Susan, can you imagine the tall tales that would take place once a month?
Man 1: Yeah I bled so much, it filled a whole water cannon.
Man 2: That’s nothing. I bled so much, Moses had to come and part the Red Sea.
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Men have similar problems. When ever I get drunk and run around naked, I hit the rose bushes. My neighbors say my balls look like flailing Nun-chucks. I dug my rose bush’s up and started wearing a Jock when I drink.
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I’m not even gonna ask what you dug up your Rose bushes with Dan.
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Just wait till you try having a Happy Menopause. Bastard hormones. Or lack of them. *Mutters darkly about brain freeze, sweat, anxiety, more sweat, anger. Oh and did I mention sweat?*
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Kimberley, Now you’re scaring me. I’m dreading that menopausal moment.
if they ever came up with a ‘Have A Happy Menopause’ ad campaign, I’d imagine thousands of women hunting down and capturing the ad executives and stringing them stark bollock naked from power lines.
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It’s not so bad. Apart from … No, I won’t list it all again. You can take some consolation in knowing that Ophelia will have to go through it at some point.
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I remember the hot flashes being the biggest problem for my mum, turning her into a raging She-Devil. I think at that point, she could have killed a grown man with her bare hands!
Ahh, Ophelia suffering does fill me with comfort. Thanks for that image Kimberley.
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Why would you even WANT to have a period?
What’s the point of that?
Is it a fashion thing? Is it trendy and Kewel? Is it?
Have you tried just NOT having one or just walking it off? or …what are you doing with that knife? How did you get your eyes to glow that hellish shade of crimson?..wait no…I didn’t mea…. AAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!
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Mr H, I believe it was some silly bint named Eve, who started this whole hemorrhaging from the foof business. Like all trends, those of us in the know, have to follow suit whether we want to or not. In fact, it’s become such a part of female culture, that we couldn’t stop it if we tried. The only solution is to wait until all our eggs become old and frail and retire from the resting home that is the womb.
By the way, did I ever mention the woman in China who squeezed a man so hard by the nutsack, that the adrenaline shot to his heart and he died…just saying…
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Going thru chemo stopped all that nonsense and threw me straight into menopause. Fortunately between the toxins that were being pumped into my body, my hair falling out and having my head stuck in a toilet, I hardly noticed. 🙂 So, so, so happy to be done with my not so happy period! – I love the Barbie with fangs.
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Mimi, chemo is such a terrible thing to experience, but along with menopause, that must have been more than hell. I had a friend that when through the same thing. The Menopause made her want to commit extreme acts of violence, but the chemo made her too weak to act upon it. She’d just content herself with punching people in her mind and even that left her exhausted…which was quite lucky for those people she wanted to punch.
Still, things could have been worse. She could have been dealing with rather large men flinging their paper napkin holders at her. 😉 (Unfortunately, I still can’t comment on your blog. 😦 )
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Lily, you got my attention with the first paragraph then I just HAD to read more LOL!! Yeah, never tell a woman what not to doeth and ‘bout time Adam got exposed for the “traitorous bastardeth” he was! Womankind was thus veryily cursed and gotta blameth that “massive wimpeth” Adam. Happy Periods Ha! Does not exist and only a man could write such crapeth junk! Well, my period days are over and such is the plus side of menopause (don’t ask about the minus side!!) but I sure remember mine, ugh, don’t miss it, I sympathize. Best post I ever read on periods…period!! 🙂 Also, love the images you chose, perfect!
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I thanketh thee, fair maiden Madilyn. If I were Eve, I would have opened a whole can of whoop ass on Adam’s arse…eth. Still God should have known that saying nay to a woman is like telling her she can’t have chocolate. He’s lucky he didn’t get stabbeth in the groineth.
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Wow, so it’s not about punctuation? All this time I thought it was the grammar police insisting we have a happy day. That commercial was always followed by another for laxative, so you could have a happy colon as well.
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If it wasn’t for all the shots of sanitary napkins being shown in their various forms, (and always at dinner time. What’s up with that?) one could have easily thought that ‘Have a happy period’, might relate to classes at school. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so full of dread if I had been told to “have a happy maths period”. Meh, it’s maths, who am I kidding?
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Fave bit: “The very fact that I have to walk around for the best part of a week with a wad of material blocking up the entrance to my bat cave, does not allow for a ‘Merry Menstruation’ moment.”
We really need to get together for a few pints and just talk about life. It would be a hoot. 😉
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Brian, this made me laugh. Can you imagine the two of us sitting around and contemplating life. We’d be laughing hysterically, whilst those around us would be praying for the sweet release of death.
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Of course, the praying of the townsfolk would eventually slow and cease as they finally start paying attention to the wittiness of our banter rather than the decibel-factor of our cackling. The townsfolk decide that we might be rather festive after all, and they begin milling around our table, shoving heavy-headed libations in our direction, and preparing for a round of glorious entertainment. And it will be right at THIS point that both of us completely clam up, not saying a word, staring at the table, fiddling with our napkins, and furtively eyeing the exit door. Crickets chirp. Because the awkwardness of the situation would make for a fabulous blog post, and we are already writing it in our heads…
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The townsfolk would then be utterly confused, as not more than 5 minutes ago, our table had seemed laden with a cornucopia of happiness alongside a side dish of joy. And as the chirp of the crickets grows ever louder and we sit composing what could possibly be the post to bring all other posts to their literary knees, they begin to wander away, doubting which one of them, if any, had brought the party to a sudden halt…at which point we two would burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter and continue unabashedly with our conversation, whilst the townsfolk begin to feel the ongoing weight of depression.
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Excuse eth me young lady. I am back from hols and have eth a bone to picketh with you! Why do us blokes always get the blame eth? Is it our fault women are cursed with the …er… curse?? We didn’t asketh you to have it, nor did we even suggesteth it. Women, being women, just went aheadeth and did it!!! Gave you something else to moaneth about. Don’t forgeteth we poor blokes have to put up with your moans and groans one week in every foureth. And a group of women don’t all start en masse either. My mate BUFF has two daughters. His wife starts the process in week one, then daughter number 2, followed by daughter number 1. 3 weeks out of four, the poor sausage. He’s hoping to get piles so that at least he can join ineth! Why am I writing with a lisp? I sound like Thamuel L. Jackson in Kingsman or Sylvester the puddy tat! See whateth you have done now woman? Curse you! O! Sorry. You already are. 13 weeks a year anywayeth.
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Mr D, the blame for the curse lies firmly at the feet of Eve for not doing as she was told. Honestly, surrounded by exotic fruits and the bint can’t lay off the apple?! It’s an apple for God’s sake! Not a banana or a strawberry or even a Kiwi fruit. A bloody apple! The most boring fruit in existence!! As for men, we don’t blame you for having periods, just for breathing and being alive when we’re having a periods. See the difference? Also, if men menstruated, they’d be allowed those 13 weeks a year off as compassionate leave. I mean you poor guys can’t cope when you have a common cold, acting as though you’re all suffering from Ebola or the Bubonic plague!
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Us chaps don’t get the COMMON cold. We get man flu a.k.a. Ebola, a.k.a. Bubonic Plague!
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The Oxford Concise Dictionary defines Manflu thusly:
A common cold grossly exaggerated in severity by those of the weaker species.
Whilst the newspapers reports that “there have been no deaths due to Manflu as perceived by these sissy man-boys.”
Honestly, I read it with my own two eyes.
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I feel like you’re not trying hard enough to have a happy period.
Just kidding, I’m a married man and know better. I hope the guys that came up with that slogan rot in the hell they came from.
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Hey, I ain’t complaining. Your views alone have bumped up my stats. The nice people at WordPress even congratulated me for it. Of course now you’re done reading, my stats have gone back to resembling the contents of my toilet bowl.
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