You Wanna Drag Me To Where? (The Lamia)

The Lamia-Part Two

  1. a mythical monster supposed to have the body of a woman, and to prey on human beings and suck the blood of children…Obviously they don’t have chocolate in hell.

From out of the mist it rose, the evil of it’s presence filling the air with its sulfuric charge. Lamia.  Never before had I sensed such wickedness, or beheld such a malevolent force since Spawn was born. As it stood before us, this daemon that had been thrust up through the gates of hell, Spawn and I withered under it’s blazing stare, a stare that was alight with the fiery red that must surely surround those that burned in the flames of Hades…or cataracts, I mean they looked pretty sore. Our feet planted on the ground, Spawn and I dared not move or run away with fear, for to do so, would have meant that I had nothing to write for this weeks post. Finally, it spoke. It’s voice a guttural sound that permeated throughout our bones…

lamia2“Behold, For I am Lamia, keeper of Hell’s gate and devourer of dreams. I  have risen form the putrid depth of Hades where I have been sent by the Dark One to flay the skin from your very bones, inch by agonizing inch. I will watch as you drown piteously in your own blood and enjoy the resonance as you choke on the one thing that once gave you life. Soon your pathetic form will play slave to Satan. Your throat will constrict with the agony of ages past and your skin will burn aflame, crackling like the rind of a suckling pig. For I am Lamia and I have come to feast upon your soul!”

84567-evil” Damn! You’re going to go hungry then.”

lamia2 “I will suck the marrow from your bones…”

84567-evil“Thems some big bones, it might take you a while.”

lamia2“And lash the skin from your hide!”

84567-evil“Then I hope for your sake, that you’ve cancelled all your other skin lashing appointments, because with the amount of loose flesh hanging off that woman’s butt alone, it’s gonna take a whole weekend at the least.”

c4bad-jessica“Shut the hell up child, no pun intended Mr Lamia. Get back to your home under the bridge, you troll. And don’t make me come down there with the chloroform!”

lamia2 “I’m…I’m sorry but what exactly is going on here?”

0505b-jessica “Oh I do apologize. Do forgive me Mr Lamia, or can I call you Lam?”

lamia2” No.”

0505b-jessica“Alrighty then. The thing is Lam, I’m not quite sure what I’ve done to merit all this ‘going to hell’ business.”

lamia2 “Look lady, It’s not up to me. I just do as I’m told.”

0505b-jessica “I appreciate that Lamikins, it’s just that…”

lamia2 “It’s not like this was my first career choice you know. I had other ambitions, huge ambitions before I became keeper of hell’s gate.”

0505b-jessica “Oh I know what you mean Lamie-Pie. I always wanted to be a ballet dancer when I was younger.”

lamia2 “What?! With that arse? I don’t think so honey.

0505b-jessica “Motherfu…”

lamia2 “I mean sometimes I’m like, what’s my motivation for doing this, you know? What drives me to want to drag someone to hell? I mean ‘drag’ is such a dreary word. I prefer something much more antiquated like ‘accompanies’. There’s something very quaint about the sentence ‘accompanies someone to hell.’”

84567-evil “For goodness sake, just shut up and accompany the wench to hell already!”

At the sound of Spawn’s amazingly annoying and grating tone, the Lamia turns and takes a few seconds to study him.

lamia2“That’s quite the little Demon you’ve got there.”

0505b-jessica “Yep. I think he’s punishment for my past sins.”

lamia2“Oh honey, no ones that wicked. What did you do, kill Jesus?”

84567-evil “No but I heard she dated him once. She’s got a tramp stamp on her hip that says BC…Before Christ, because before Christ, she dated Moses. And before that, it was one of the three wise men…before they became wise.”

0505b-jessica“I’m not that old you little shi…”

lamia2“Maybe you’re the woman who wrote 50 Shades Of Grey. (snickers to himself)”

0505b-jessica “Like you said, no one’s that wicked…apart from E.L James herself.”

lamia2 “Ooh seriously girl, even Lucifer himself decreed those books as truly evil.”

84567-evil“Huh, what does she know?! Mother here, thought BDSM was a furniture store, like DFS.”

0505b-jessica “You know what Lam-Lam, I’m done. Drag, accompany, escort, whatever. Just get me away from this little pus ball. I can’t stand to be around this boy any longer.”

lamia2“Baby girl, hell would be a picnic compared to living with that child. He has a wickedness about him that most of us evil spirits can only aspire to.  Shit, even I’m scared. You know what? You can serve your punishment here on earth. I’m outta here.”

0505b-jessica “NO! Don’t go! Wait, take me with you! Please, you can do whatever you want to me, flay me, scoop out my eyeballs with a wooden spoon; just don’t leave me with him any longer! PLEASE!!!!”


And just like that, the Lamia had gone. Vanished in a puff of smoke…pretentious son of a bitch.” 

84567-evil “So mother, it’s just me and you…again.”

2ba92-jessica “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”




9 thoughts on “You Wanna Drag Me To Where? (The Lamia)

  1. Well I have to say the Lil man is cool, most kids coming into contact with a half naked woman with a goats head and wings would think its a super hero and get all star struck these days. There are more super hero’s about now than you could shake a stick at

    As it happens I used to know someone (his folks were rather well off) who was looked after by a half naked woman with a goats head and wings when he was a kid. . . he said she was his Nanny . . . . . . HAH AHHA hah ah a ha ha ha hah ah ah ah a ha ha ha hahha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mr Z, if the Lil man came into contact with a half naked woman with the head of a goat, he would chastise her severely and query her moral compass.

      Not sure whether to laugh or facepalm myself at that joke.


  2. Your conversation with Lamia was hysterical!! The soul robbing hellish demon had other career choices…now that’s funny! Also funny that the demon is quibbling over what words to use “drag” or “accompanies” LOL! So Lily, you dated Moses and one of the three wise men? I am impressed! 🙂


    • Thanks Madilyn. I wonder what career a soul robbing demon would be suited to. A lawyer perhaps? Or maybe a schoolteacher with his penchant for the English language…though the whole sucking of children’s blood could prove to be a problem. Mind you, having tasted the food in a school cafeteria, the drinking of kiddie blood might be a better option.
      Spawn really did tell someone that I was so old that I dated Jesus, or JC as I like to call him. But then he also thinks that I was around during the Jurassic Period…little bugger!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s getting pretty bad when you can’t even trust a soul-robbing demon to do his job. Then again, lucky for us he’s such a slacker, eh? Much better to have you here, doing pirouettes in your mind, and cracking us up with your blog posts. (The demon COULD have been a politician… Nah! he’s probably over-qualified.)


    • Susan, it comes to something when I feel let down by a soul robbing demon. Is there no one I can trust in this world, or should that be the underworld?
      I think the Lamia is far too honest to be a politician. Although like most of our political leaders, he didn’t follow through on his promise…mind you, that could just be the male portion of said demon. It’s a good thing I didn’t ask him to put up a shelf.


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