You wanna drag me to where? (The Lamia)

You wanna drag me to where? (Part One)

Horror films, how I adore them. From the tender age of eight, I have always held a deep affection for a genre of movie that strives to elicit emotions ranging from dread to disgusts. Nothing quite gets the heart racing like being scared half out of your wits…well apart from running…and sex…and cardiovascular exercises…and discovering that the guy you’ve been secretly spying on for the past several months, can actually see you through the trimmed lace of your frilly curtains. But nothing quite gets those aortic valves pumping, like a bloody good scary movie. So far, the only film that has even come close to actually scaring me half to death, is the original Japanese version of The Ring. This is a  movie so terrifying, that I can only watch it from behind the sofa…with the lights switched on…in broad daylight…and the sound turned off…whilst my eyes are are half closed…and a priest stands behind me chanting the Lord’s prayer…while burning incense and flicking holy water at the the television screen every five minutes.

 

So on Saturday, after lubing up my bottom with ‘anulsol’…it’s not what you think, I sat down gingerly to watch the cinematic glory that is ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ After howling with laughter all the way through, which is my customary response to a really good horror flick, I got to thinking about the premise of the movie. What if I had been cursed by an evil gypsy and was told that for three days, I would be taunted mercilessly by The Lamia, a soul eating Demon, before then being carted off to hell.

So here for your displeasure, is the imaginings of my imagining that I imagined when I was imagining the outcome.

“Mark my words dearie, that for three days whole, the taunting begins.

Your soul will scream and cry out from within.

On day equal three, he will come to thee, gobble up your soul and no longer you’ll be.”

“WHAT??! Oh my god! No! That can’t be! This can’t be happening to me!!”

(Chuckles) “It’s too late dearie, the curse has begun. In three days time, Lamia will come for you and I will laugh at your torment as he drags your bedraggled body to hell. There you will be consumed within its unearthly flames for all eternity, your maggot infested carcass roasting away on the spit of your debauchery..”

“Wow! That was rude. So he will come for me in three days time? But in three days time it will be Tuesday. Sorry, I can’t do Tuesday. How about we re-schedule it for Wednesday…better still, why not Thursday? There’s sod all on Telly on Thursdays.”

“What? I’ve got a Doctor’s appointment on Tuesday.”

“I’ve got hemorrhoids! Seriously, I almost tripped up over the bloody things whilst shopping in Tesco’s the other day. One minute I was looking at Scampi for the bargain price of £2.00 over at the frozen food section and the next thing I knew, ‘PLOP’ out they came…”

“ENOUGH! In three days time, your soul will be ripped to hell!”

“Jebus Christ! And all because I didn’t pay my library fines!”

~Lily

Coming up, The Lamia.

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25 thoughts on “You wanna drag me to where? (The Lamia)

  1. I can’t do horror movies – I think the last one I saw (and it was pretty lame in comparison to the horror freaks out there) was Scream. My heart decided to go into a slight arrest and I was crouching behind the seat. Nope cannot do it, plus I know that I would be safe in horror movies as I do not wear matching bra and undies, nor do I run through the fields screaming my head off. I would be hiding under the bed with the Emergency Services on speed dial.

    I freak out watching true crime documentaries, especially when it is a windy night and for some unknown reason, the trees outside like to tap on my window. S may be watching the documentaries from another country, but my stalkers could be getting ideas and trying it out on me. Floorboard.. check the floorboards!!!

    Now I am off to search every cupboard, nail every window down and double locked the doors.. thanks Ms L – I now am slightly freaked out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, don’t blame me for the fact that you’re a cowardly custard. I’m sure that you are quite safe Ms B. I mean it’s not like you live on your own and so therefore, are an easy target for the madman that is currently watching you through his high definition binoculars…

      I’m sure the women in those movies suffer from dyspraxia cos they’re always tripping up over their feet. And way to go to alerting the killer/demon/monster/ex to their whereabouts by emitting a high pitch shrill. And why run TOWARDS the bloody woods instead of a busy high street? They must need the exercise. Horror film biatched be crazy!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Mrs H loves her horror flicks. Any film that contains a screaming woman, hunky bare chested teen (played by a 37yr old actor passed his prime) and any assortment of vampires/demons/ghosts/rabid animals/zombies… Oh and thanks to the sci fi channel, mish mash animal hybrids.
    She is very excited about the new Sharktopus vs Whalewolf (I’m not even making that shit up!)
    Her brother Gary, goes to frightfest every year and has a room dedicated to horror movies in his house…. I think you lot would get on… You bloody wierdos! Hahahaha.

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    • Ooh, a whole room dedicated to horror movies? I think I have found my God!
      As for Mrs H, she has bloody good tastes. I loved Sharktopus. Spawn and I watched Sharknado and Mega Python Vs Gatoroid last weekend and laughed like the demented heathens that we are.

      How on earth can you not like horror?Admittedly, I did have to call the local priest to exorcise the house after watching The Ring and carve my own stake from the living room table after Nosferatu.

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  3. It’s been a while since I’ve watched a good horror flick, but I get an occasional dose of horror on some of the sci fi shows we’ve watched. Like the wraith on the Stargate shows reeeeeally freaked me out.

    As for your problems there, ya should’ve paid your fines! (Although that wouldn’t help with the hemorrhoids worth a flip… those things are a bloody pain in the arse…)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahahaha! Susan, I’d love to hear you say ‘bloody pain in the arse’ in your American accent. But good god, I think I might need to purchase a rubber ring so I can sit down.

      Talking of a good horror flick, Spawn and I just had a Hammer House Of Horror weekend, to pay homage to the late great Christopher Lee. Spawn was a bit put out by all the vampire ladies’ heaving bosoms. “Is all that heavy breathing absolutely necessary?” Was his repeated question.

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  4. I’m with Miss B on this one. Don’t do horror movies. Freak me out every time and I spend the next fortnight checking the wardrobes and under the bed. Girlfriend of mine is like you – absolutely loves them. Occasionally, we’ll go see one and I spend the whole movie with my face buried in her ample bosoms. There really is a silver lining to every cloud!

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    • Mr D, I was 8 when I watched an episode of Armchair Thriller. It was about a faceless, evil nun and although I had nightmares for years afterwards, I loved it!
      Hold on…aren’t men supposed to be the one to invite a woman to a horror film, in the hope that she will jump into his lap from fright?

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  5. I’m late again . . . . . Yes well its not my fault . . . stuff stuff stuff stuff gets in the way of play. Horror movies sort of lost their or is it there (DAMN this dam English language) when they introduced colour to films and I sort of interest when Boris Karloff and his mated either died or retired. I now insist on a happy ending and tend to only watch films (not that I watch many) when they have a large 12 on them. OK I do like quirky too but sad endings are a no no. Life has enough sad endings so I do need extra ones added. Its all a bit odd considering the number of Zombies and the like that have turned up on my blog over the years, but folk are odd and that includes me for sure.

    I reckon your Soul will be OK Miss Lily that witch looks too much like marty feldman

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    • No worry Mr Z, I know that you’re a very busy man. I love those old Boris Karloff films. The Wolfman is a classic….ok it’s not. The acting is awful and the script could have been written by my 7 week old niece, but dammit, I love the old black and white horrors. The Lil man loves films with a sad ending but as we already know, he’s clinically insane.
      As for Mr Feldman, he was one of my favourite actors as a kid, after I saw him in ‘Young Frankenstein’ with Gene Wilder. A very unique looking chap indeed.

      Heehee, I just went back to look at the witch and yep, she does look like Feldman.

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  6. Haha! I love the way you watch horror movies. It’s always good to have a priest behind you chanting the Lords Prayer. In fact, that might not be a bad idea to just hire one to accompany you on your daily rounds to the raisin/crack cookie bakery and to conferences with Spawn’s teachers! (I love evil gypsy’s stare! LOL)

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    • Hahaha! The Gypsy stare is like no other. No one else can do the Gypsy stare, except Gypsies in horror movies…you know, on account of the fact that it’s a Gypsy stare…
      Nevermind a priest accompanying me on my daily rounds to the raisin/crack cookie bakery and to conferences with Spawn’s teachers. I need one just to enter his bedroom!

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  7. Lily, I’m a fan of horror films too, have been since I was a little girl. I like the really good horror films that scare the bejesus out of you, not the slasher ones. I haven’t seen this movie but I say always beware of angry gypsies!! (Btw, hemorrhoids, ouch, no fun)

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    • Madilyn, I’m not a fan of the slasher movies either. They’re all blood and gore and no plot-lines. You’d love ‘Drag Me To Hell,’ although Spawn and I laughed throughout…not sure what that says about the state of our minds.
      Hemorrhoids is Satan trying to pull your innards out through your butt, so no, no fun at all.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Not keen on the slasher movies. They tend to sacrifice plot-lines for guts and gore. Give me a good ole suspense horror and I’m a happy gal. I’d be even happier if said movies was accompanied by a box pf chocolate and a six pack. And no, I don’t mean the type you put in the fridge.

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