You wanna drag me to where? (Part One)
Horror films, how I adore them. From the tender age of eight, I have always held a deep affection for a genre of movie that strives to elicit emotions ranging from dread to disgusts. Nothing quite gets the heart racing like being scared half out of your wits…well apart from running…and sex…and cardiovascular exercises…and discovering that the guy you’ve been secretly spying on for the past several months, can actually see you through the trimmed lace of your frilly curtains. But nothing quite gets those aortic valves pumping, like a bloody good scary movie. So far, the only film that has even come close to actually scaring me half to death, is the original Japanese version of The Ring. This is a movie so terrifying, that I can only watch it from behind the sofa…with the lights switched on…in broad daylight…and the sound turned off…whilst my eyes are are half closed…and a priest stands behind me chanting the Lord’s prayer…while burning incense and flicking holy water at the the television screen every five minutes.
So on Saturday, after lubing up my bottom with ‘anulsol’…it’s not what you think, I sat down gingerly to watch the cinematic glory that is ‘Drag Me To Hell.’ After howling with laughter all the way through, which is my customary response to a really good horror flick, I got to thinking about the premise of the movie. What if I had been cursed by an evil gypsy and was told that for three days, I would be taunted mercilessly by The Lamia, a soul eating Demon, before then being carted off to hell.
So here for your displeasure, is the imaginings of my imagining that I imagined when I was imagining the outcome.
Your soul will scream and cry out from within.
On day equal three, he will come to thee, gobble up your soul and no longer you’ll be.”
(Chuckles) “It’s too late dearie, the curse has begun. In three days time, Lamia will come for you and I will laugh at your torment as he drags your bedraggled body to hell. There you will be consumed within its unearthly flames for all eternity, your maggot infested carcass roasting away on the spit of your debauchery..”
“Wow! That was rude. So he will come for me in three days time? But in three days time it will be Tuesday. Sorry, I can’t do Tuesday. How about we re-schedule it for Wednesday…better still, why not Thursday? There’s sod all on Telly on Thursdays.”
“I’ve got hemorrhoids! Seriously, I almost tripped up over the bloody things whilst shopping in Tesco’s the other day. One minute I was looking at Scampi for the bargain price of £2.00 over at the frozen food section and the next thing I knew, ‘PLOP’ out they came…”
Coming up, The Lamia.