Never Kill A Spider, Least It Should Seek Revenge.

Never Kill A Spider, Least It Should Seek Revenge.

On I ran through the darkness of my fortress, shallow breath erupting forth in ragged bursts. Dejected and exhausted, I knew my time was soon at an end but still, on I ran.Sensing my imminent demise, I begun to panic as I came upon a seemingly endless loop of corridors. Fear gripped my heart as tightly as my hand now gripped the weapon that I held before me…which was quite tight.

Soon I could hear movement coming from behind me, could hear it creeping steadily forward, could decipher it’s scuttling. It wanted revenge and it wasn’t going to rest until it had achieved it’s objective. I was tired, wearied by this relentless pursuit. I just wanted it all to stop.

I halted, any hope of escape fleeing from my somnolent body. It was time to face my tormentor. And so there we stood, face to face, the light of fear and revulsion glinting from within my eyes, the darkness of hatred from his.

“WHY?” I screamed, in abject terror. “Why are you doing this to me? What did I ever do to you?”

“YOU KILLED MY MOTHER!” He bellowed, his hatred now giving way to a mournful wail. “YOU HAVE DESTROYED ME! DESTROYED MY FAMILY, EVERYTHING THAT I EVER LOVED AND FOR WHAT?”

“I…I didn’t mean to.” My words punctuated with sobs, sounded frail and broken. “She just snuck up on me and I panicked. I didn’t mean to kill her!”

“DON’T LIE! I SAW YOU! I SAW YOU STANDING AT THE MIRROR, SHAVING YOUR BEARD…”

“PLUCKING YOU BASTARD. I WAS PLUCKING WITH  TWEEZERS. AND IT WAS A LITTLE LIGHT FUZZ! WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE LIGHT FACIAL FUZZ!”

“Huh!” He spat with venom. “ A little light facial fuzz. Your five o’clock shadow attests to the fact that…”

“IT’S TWO TONED!! MY SKIN IS TWO TONED GODDAMMIT!!”

“THEN YOU NEED TO USE SOME FOUNDATION BITCH!”  Gathering himself and taking a few deep breaths, he sought to gain control over his emotions.  “Look, this is getting us nowhere”.

“I just…I…I…she startled me that’s all. One minute there was nothing there, then the next ,she suddenly appeared out of nowhere and with all the deftness of  a ninja spider…I mean she wasn’t exactly a looker was she? All big and hairy. I mean your lot aren’t exactly good looking are they?”

“RACIST!”

“What??”“What do you mean by your lot?”

“I just meant that you all look the same.”“RACIST!”

“No I’m not! Some of my best friends are spiders.”

“OK, none of my friends are spiders.”“Will it never end, the persecution of our kind?”

“Well how comes you’re allowed to say, ‘our kind’ but I’m not allowed…”“SILENCE! I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLOODY SPEECH HERE!”

“Gosh, how rude.” Than in a low whisper. “Hmph, you can add that to the list of why people hate spiders, bad manners.”“Now where was I? Ah yes…ahem. For years we have been persecuted because of the way we look.”

“No, it’s because you is creepy.” “Do we not breathe? Do we not love?”

“Yeah you guys need to stop with the love thing, all them babies, eeww!”“Do we not feel and bleed, especially when squashed underfoot with a massive sized shoe, cos I gotta tell you, that shit hurts! Are we not people too…well obviously we’re not people, we’re arachnids but the sentiments the same, you know as in the breathing, loving and feeling thing but I digress. All that I ask, is that you stop killing my brethren and give us a chance. Take the time to get to know all about us and maybe then you will see, that we’re are not what you assume us to be”.

feac6-jessicaLip quivering at his impassioned plea, I felt an overwhelming sense of…I don’t know, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.“Oh come here.” My words came out staggered as tears brimmed from my eyes. “I want to see you finally it all your majestic glory”.

And as he stepped ever nearer, I finally remembered what that feeling was… revulsion. I also remembered the weapon that I had been holding onto all this time, clutched tightly within my firm grip. The ELECTROLUX 2000.“Thank you”, he beamed. “Thank you for giving me this chance.”

c6bd5-jessica“No problem.” I said as I switched on the hoover, aimed the nozzle and sucked the little fucker up. “You’re welcome.”

This is what really happened. In no way did I spy a spider whilst standing in front of the mirror. I did not scream, making said spider jump and run the length of the curtain. Nor did I almost break my neck in trying to grab for the ELECTROLUX  2000, only to find that the spider had escaped. I have not spent the last 72 hours on ‘Bug watch’ hoping to suck the hairy beast into the whirring void of a vacuum cleaner. The above is a true event…honest…DON’T JUDGE ME!!

~Lily

*Arachnid as drawn by Spawn.

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23 thoughts on “Never Kill A Spider, Least It Should Seek Revenge.

    • Arachnids. Talk about holding a grudge! I sensed one had come seeking revenge today by the usual alarm of Spawn screaming like a bitch. I know something entered my mouth the other night because I woke up choking. As I was alone with no warm body beside me, I can only conclude that it was a arachnid and not a boyfriend.

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  1. Hahahahaha. You are daft as a brush! An implement, by the way, that can be used to squidge spiders and is often used for such purposes in our house.
    Spiders aren’t very bright are they? Generations of the wee beasties have been slaughtered by human beans when crept up upon. Will they never learn? Have they stopped evolving?
    Why am I asking so many questions?
    Vacuum cleaners are handy instruments for getting rid of all kinds of beasts although I wouldn’t recommend a Dyson because they have a clear container and you can still see the little blighters whirling around before they disintegrate.
    Do you always morph into a young Cilla Black when confronted by a sword wielding spider?

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    • Apparently Mr D, they’re more scared of us then we are of them. Whoever said that, was obviously high on the good stuff.
      My trusted Electrolux 2000 has a clear cylinder, so I try not to look as it’s screams are drowned by the sound of my pimped up hoover. Seriously, the suction on that thing is so strong, that it opened up a vortex that took me to a parallel universe!

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  2. Sorry, kiddo, but I AM gonna judge you… you’re an awesome writer! Spiders? Not so much. I’m not afraid of them, but I don’t plan to make bosom buddies with any of them, either. I’d rather make friends with a politician. No, wait! Change that. I’d rather make pals with a black widow.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Only God can judge me and he does so regularly. Who knew the big man could cuss so much…
      I never use to be scared of them Susan. In fact, I would to go out into the garden and play with them. (don’t play Monopoly with an arachnid, they cheat) That was until an incident which involved me sleeping with my mouth wide open and a creature looking for an adventure with an esophagus, happened.

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  3. OOooooo you are a one Miss Lily and for reasons I dont entirely understand a certain feeling of deja vu sort of crossed my mind although I would not be able to tell you if it was from right to left or left to right. That’s minds for you as they get old and knackered. Anyway back to the point

    We like to leave our spiders to roam free in the house as they do a fairly good job of eating other stuff. . . . No actually that is not entirely true we live next to cows and the sewage system round here is from the stone ages (No I mean that, I think there is a Motte and Bailey involved with the house behind us) and there are more strange flying things about than I knew existed. And do the spiders eat them not very often.

    OOOOOOO time to go FooooooooooooooooooD

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    • If a post seems familiar Mr Z, it’s because I am editing and rewriting some of the old ones, before I can bring them to WordPress from Blogger.
      There is a No Spider policy in this house. Unfortunately, they keep ignoring the signs which we have erected and just come marching right on in. Such bad manners. They should wait to be invited in…like Vampires.

      If I ever saw one big enough to eat a cow, I’d leave the country. I wonder if they have spiders on the moon?

      Motte and Bailey? Is the house behind you a castle? If so, cool.

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      • Not a castle Miss Lily its an old Water mill only someone nicked the water many years ago. Sadly the folk who live there are a bit of a pain they keep chickens which is fine but they insist on having bonfires where they burn all the straw and chicken shit . . . . . it is not nice. We keep hoping they might move as its rented and they seem to shout at each other a lot.

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    • How big is the nozzle on your vacuum?!
      When I was in Wales on an adventure week, I complained when I found myself lodging with some mice. They moved me to another room. But when I saw that I would be room sharing with some rather large arachnids, I moved back to the room with the mice.

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      • Exactly what I would have done, at least the mice only have 4 legs. Maybe it means they only run half as fast? Anyway, normal size nozzle on vacuum + small field mouse = nest in vacuum + scream from husband when he emptied the bag to see why it wasn’t sucking very well. The mouse sprang out of the bag like it had Springbok genes then staggered around the room for a bit before diving under th sofa. Guess it was dizzy from being spun around. Mousegate had a happy ish ending though. We caught it in a humane trap, took it out to the grass verge and let it go. Whereupon it tried to run back to our house, before falling down the drain. Oh sorry, did I say happy ish ending? I meant tragic. Bless. Poor mouse.

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        • LOL! What an excellent story! The part with your husband screaming made me laugh out loud. Seriously, just envisaging the whole thing, especially the little fella’s happy ish ending, is bloody funny.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. 6 am this morning I’m in the bathroom… yes in the middle of that most delicate of ablutions and there’s a tickle on my foot… look down and this huge arachnid is running back and forth over my pinkies! I caught it and threw it out the window…

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    • Eww *shivers* I actually screamed when I read this. Geez, I would have set fire to the house to get rid of it!
      See, now you’re a man’s man. Not saying that you like the attentions of other men, it’s just that every guy I’ve been with, has screamed louder than a 3 year old girl, throwing a temper tantrum at the sight of these evil creatures.

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      • I’m forever catching the bloody things when the women scream. I used to leave one under the porch light, called Boris o course, I’d tap on the light to make him stick his head out. Honestly the noise the girls make… I mean it’s only a spider….

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        • You bad bad man! I wouldn’t have screamed. I would have just curled up into a ball and wept piteously.

          Earlier, I mentioned having to share lodgings with some arachnids on an activity week away in Wales. The event was run by a bunch of military guys and when I complained about it, one of them said “ssh, don’t tell everyone or they’ll all want one.” That’s when I threatened him, his family, his mum and his future offspring. They finally offered me another room after I started to make the trek back to London..at one o’clock in the morning….on foot.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. OMG, spiders do take revenge! I swear every time I get a big ugly one then another one shows up shortly. Often in or near the bathroom and by the mirror too (OK, what’s with spiders and mirrors?!). Lily, you are very handy with that Electrolux 2000 and bugs! When I can I try to catch spiders in jars and take them outside, I try to be humane, but sometimes I just have to send them to their maker. Frankly, all spiders give me the creeps and if one gets away, I’m up all night searching for the bugger!! Lily, I totally believe your story! 🙂

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    • Oh I’m so glad that I’m not the only person that will stay up all night searching for the sods if they manage to escape.
      I love my Electrolux 2000. When it broke down, I almost wept with grief. I managed to finally fixed it and I’ve promised to take better care of it in the future. I’m so attached to that thing that we’re having a civil wedding next week.

      Humane?! You’re like my sister. She practically invites them in for tea and cakes and then afterwards, personally escorts them to the door. And thank you for believing me, millions wouldn’t. 🙂

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