Never Kill A Spider, Least It Should Seek Revenge.
On I ran through the darkness of my fortress, shallow breath erupting forth in ragged bursts. Dejected and exhausted, I knew my time was soon at an end but still, on I ran.Sensing my imminent demise, I begun to panic as I came upon a seemingly endless loop of corridors. Fear gripped my heart as tightly as my hand now gripped the weapon that I held before me…which was quite tight.
Soon I could hear movement coming from behind me, could hear it creeping steadily forward, could decipher it’s scuttling. It wanted revenge and it wasn’t going to rest until it had achieved it’s objective. I was tired, wearied by this relentless pursuit. I just wanted it all to stop.
I halted, any hope of escape fleeing from my somnolent body. It was time to face my tormentor. And so there we stood, face to face, the light of fear and revulsion glinting from within my eyes, the darkness of hatred from his.
“I just…I…I…she startled me that’s all. One minute there was nothing there, then the next ,she suddenly appeared out of nowhere and with all the deftness of a ninja spider…I mean she wasn’t exactly a looker was she? All big and hairy. I mean your lot aren’t exactly good looking are they?”
“Gosh, how rude.” Than in a low whisper. “Hmph, you can add that to the list of why people hate spiders, bad manners.”“Now where was I? Ah yes…ahem. For years we have been persecuted because of the way we look.”
“Yeah you guys need to stop with the love thing, all them babies, eeww!”“Do we not feel and bleed, especially when squashed underfoot with a massive sized shoe, cos I gotta tell you, that shit hurts! Are we not people too…well obviously we’re not people, we’re arachnids but the sentiments the same, you know as in the breathing, loving and feeling thing but I digress. All that I ask, is that you stop killing my brethren and give us a chance. Take the time to get to know all about us and maybe then you will see, that we’re are not what you assume us to be”.
Lip quivering at his impassioned plea, I felt an overwhelming sense of…I don’t know, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.“Oh come here.” My words came out staggered as tears brimmed from my eyes. “I want to see you finally it all your majestic glory”.
And as he stepped ever nearer, I finally remembered what that feeling was… revulsion. I also remembered the weapon that I had been holding onto all this time, clutched tightly within my firm grip. The ELECTROLUX 2000.“Thank you”, he beamed. “Thank you for giving me this chance.”
This is what really happened. In no way did I spy a spider whilst standing in front of the mirror. I did not scream, making said spider jump and run the length of the curtain. Nor did I almost break my neck in trying to grab for the ELECTROLUX 2000, only to find that the spider had escaped. I have not spent the last 72 hours on ‘Bug watch’ hoping to suck the hairy beast into the whirring void of a vacuum cleaner. The above is a true event…honest…DON’T JUDGE ME!!
*Arachnid as drawn by Spawn.