The sun is shining. The birds are tweeting (fuck, even the birds have twitter accounts) and there is a general sense of contentment in the air. Summer time has finally arrived…And I’m scared. The appearance of this particular season heralds much joy but it also brings with it unimaginable horrors and unfathomable terror, because summertime can only mean one thing…half naked Brits.
Now I like to look and appreciate the sight of a near naked form as much as the next person and I’ve got the restraining orders to prove it but summer in the London isn’t like summer on the beaches of Havana. You wont find any tightly tanned bodies here. No six pack abs. No taut butt cheeks packed firmly into snugly fitted trunks. (Excuse me while I wipe the drool from my chin)
What you will find are lobsters, big red, sore, living and breathing lobsters, because British men have the unenviable ability to tan like no other humans anywhere else on earth. It’s almost fascinating to watch how, in just a couple of hours, a person can go from natural skin tone to the colour of one of our great British landmarks, the pillar box.
And the worse is still yet to come.
The sight as they become insistent on whipping off their polo shirts at the merest hint of the sun’s rays, is truly a vision to behold. If you were ever curious to see just how far the human skin can stretch, then look no further than the belly of an London man going topless. Years of drinking copious amounts of beer, has cultivated a stomach so fat that the their BMI can only be measured in acres. Not only that but then we are also subjected to the glorious sight of MOOBS! (Man boobs) and I must allow that there is a certain type of hypnotic quality that comes with watching the jiggling motion of a man with breast so large that they would have Dolly Parton spiting with envy.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dismissing the allure of London man, for I must admit that I do like a guy with a certain amount of paunch to his belly region. I find it sort of comforting, like cuddly up to a big teddy bear. A big, hairy, beer swigging, fouled mouth, burping, farting teddy bear.
These same men cannot wait for the summer months to come along so that they can partake in and fully enjoy the most natural of sporting events, the annual bird watching tournament. On parade we can see a splendid array of species which when grouped together, come under the banner of London Girls. The London girl comes in various categories and can been seen in all their glory when the sun is at it’s hottest.
The Tanger Bird
First we have the ‘Tanger’ bird’. This bird is distinctive because of it’s orange colouring. Originally this tangerine pigmentation was chiefly the product of 5 hours spent in tanning saloons and under such contraptions as sun beds. But over the last few years, we have seen a marked change in theses types of birds. Now much darker in hue, the modern day Tanger’s iridescence, is now sought through packets and creams to give them that just been baked in the oven look.
The Chav Bird
Next we have the ‘Chaf ‘Chaf’, bird or to give it it’s more often used title, ‘The Chav’. The Chav is well known for the amount of enhancements that it uses in order to procure itself a mate. Known primarily for it’s mane of white hair and equally white stilettos, it maintains it’s appearance of ‘girlification’ by add ons. This may include, add on nails, add on hair, add on lashes and add nails, as well as an assortment of body modification by way of, add on breasts and add on eye contacts. The chav’s main mode of attire is too be almost near naked with only the minimalist of clothing to ensure themselves a great deal of attention. This is marked out by the mother Chav’s shrill cry of, ‘shouldn’t you be wearing a skirt with that belt?’ As the younger Chav flies the nest.
The Muffin Top Bird
Last but certainly by no means least, is the ‘Muffin Top’ bird. The Muffin Top bird can be easily distinguished by its ability to fit into the tightest of jeans, thereby leaving a portion of the belly pushed up and then splayed across the uppermost part of the body. This is then capped off by a very small vest top that reaches just above the region of over-spilling flesh and is a very potent means of defense. This overflow guarantees that only the drunkest of the male predators will attempt to approach the Muffin Top, whilst All other humans tend to give it a wide berth, as the sight can be quite jarring to the eyes. In fact and on numerous occasions, cries of, “MY EYES! LORD HOW THEY BLEED!!,” Can be heard on seeing such a display for the first time. this is then often followed up by a loud retching noise and the sounds of dry heaving.
So as you can see, the summer months can bring with it such magical and wondrous sights but in the East End of London, it is definitely NOT for the faint hearted.