Man Boobs And Lobsters And Near Naked Ladies, These Are A few Of My Favourite Things…

The sun is shining. The birds are tweeting (fuck, even the birds have twitter accounts) and there is a general sense of contentment in the air. Summer time has finally arrived…And I’m scared. The appearance of this particular season heralds much joy but it also brings with it unimaginable horrors and unfathomable terror, because summertime can only mean one thing…half naked Brits.

Now I like to look and appreciate the sight of a near naked form as much as the next person and I’ve got the restraining orders to prove it but summer in the London isn’t like summer on the beaches of Havana. You wont find any tightly tanned bodies here. No six pack abs. No taut butt cheeks packed firmly into snugly fitted trunks. (Excuse me while I wipe the drool from my chin)

Ooh baby, did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven? Then it's a good thing my lap was there to cushion your fall.

Ooh baby, did it hurt when you fell down from Heaven? Then it’s a good thing my lap was there to cushion your fall.

What you will find are lobsters, big red, sore, living and breathing lobsters, because British men have the unenviable ability to tan like no other humans anywhere else on earth. It’s almost fascinating to watch how, in just a couple of hours, a person can go from natural skin tone to the colour of one of our great British landmarks, the pillar box.

sunburn

And the worse is still yet to come.

 The sight as they become insistent on whipping off their polo shirts at the merest hint of the sun’s rays, is truly a vision to behold. If you were ever curious to see just how far the human skin can stretch, then look no further than the belly of an London man going topless. Years of drinking copious amounts of beer, has cultivated a stomach so fat that the their BMI can only be measured in acres. Not only that but then we are also subjected to the glorious sight of MOOBS! (Man boobs) and I must allow that there is a certain type of hypnotic quality that comes with watching the jiggling motion of a man with breast so large that they would have Dolly Parton spiting with envy.

It wasn't until little Timmy got lost in his navel, that we realised this man was NOT a bouncy castle.

It wasn’t until little Timmy got lost in his navel, that we realised this man was NOT a bouncy castle.

 Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dismissing the allure of London man, for I must admit that I do like a guy with a certain amount of paunch to his belly region. I find it sort of comforting, like cuddly up to a big teddy bear. A big, hairy, beer swigging, fouled mouth, burping, farting teddy bear.

These same men cannot wait for the summer months to come along so that they can partake in and fully enjoy the most natural of sporting events, the annual bird watching tournament. On parade we can see a splendid array of species which when grouped together, come under the banner of London Girls. The London girl comes in various categories and can been seen in all their glory when the sun is at it’s hottest.

The Tanger Bird

tanger

First we have the ‘Tanger’ bird’. This bird is distinctive because of it’s orange colouring. Originally this tangerine pigmentation was chiefly the product of 5 hours spent in tanning saloons and  under such contraptions as sun beds. But over the last few years, we have seen a marked change in theses types of birds. Now much darker in hue, the modern day Tanger’s iridescence, is now sought through packets and creams to give them that just been baked in the oven look.

The Chav Bird

chav

Next we have the ‘Chaf ‘Chaf’, bird or to give it it’s more often used title, ‘The Chav’. The Chav is well known for the amount of enhancements that it uses in order to procure itself a mate. Known primarily for it’s mane of white hair and equally white stilettos, it maintains it’s appearance of ‘girlification’ by add ons. This may include, add on nails, add on hair, add on lashes and add nails, as well as an assortment of body modification by way of, add on breasts and add on eye contacts. The chav’s main mode of attire is too be almost near naked with only the minimalist of clothing to ensure themselves a great deal of attention. This is marked out by the mother Chav’s shrill cry of, ‘shouldn’t you be wearing a skirt with that belt?’ As the younger Chav flies the nest.

The Muffin Top Bird

Oh honey, that's not a muffin top. That's a super thick slice of eek doubled dipped in a vat of eww.

Oh honey, that’s not a muffin top. That’s a super thick slice of eek doubled dipped in a vat of eww.

Last but certainly by no means least, is the ‘Muffin Top’ bird. The Muffin Top bird can be easily distinguished by its ability to fit into the tightest of jeans, thereby leaving a portion of the belly pushed up and then splayed across the uppermost part of the body. This is then capped off by a very small vest top that reaches just above the region of over-spilling flesh and is a very potent means of defense. This overflow guarantees that only the drunkest of the male predators will attempt to approach the Muffin Top, whilst All other humans tend to give it a wide berth, as the sight can be quite jarring to the eyes. In fact and on numerous occasions, cries of, “MY EYES! LORD HOW THEY BLEED!!,” Can be heard on seeing such a display for the first time. this is then often followed up by a loud retching noise and the sounds of dry heaving.

So as you can see, the summer months can bring with it such magical and wondrous sights but in the East End of London, it is definitely NOT for the faint hearted.

Lily

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28 thoughts on “Man Boobs And Lobsters And Near Naked Ladies, These Are A few Of My Favourite Things…

  1. Um can we send your tribe back to you from Oz then? The amount of times I have been blinded by either the “No need for traffic lights, I will stop traffic just by revealing my red chest” or the “I have never seen the sun therefore I am whiter than Casper” Brit. It is a crime against humanity. Please, please if you are coming Down Under – leave the terry cloth bucket hat at home and for Christ Sake – if you style yourself on Snog Marry and Avoid – your visa will be revoked.

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    • That poor man. He kept protesting as people started throwing buckets of water over him to keep him breathing. After, the army were called in to help put him back out to sea. The last time he was sighted, was somewhere near the Cayman Isles.

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        • Ah, the lesser spotted Neopolitan Man. I have not seen this creature out in the wild for quite some time. I thought that they had become extinct, but it’s good to know that there are still a few of the species still inhabiting the land.

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    • Jeremy, having a bit of a moob is fine, but when a woman’s man gets more wolf whistles then her because of his decolletage, then somethings not right.

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      • Wolf whistles… if I get some I am in the wrong part of town. Ha! Well I look like Magic Mike XXXL…. well okay I am between XXL and an XXXL tall…. and my name isn’t Mike and magic. I can make a coin disappear, well it’s the only trick I know. Well who went off topic… this guy. 🙂

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        • But can you make that coin bounce? If you can, then you will be worshiped by women everywhere! Ok, ‘worship’ might be a tad strong and ‘everywhere’ might be a slight exaggeration. But the old ladies down at the nursing home will be well impressed!

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        • Heehee, yep. But with ya butt cheeks as the bed sheet.

          At least you’re being acknowledged when you get whistled at. I was whistled at the other day and it took me a while to realise that they were whistling at my mum! She’s 65!!

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  2. The sight of pensioner flesh is something else. The sight of sun and the summer frames and daily mails are cast aside in favour of large rotund belly’s and wrinkle and wrinkle out in the fresh air. Cobwebs and soft centre toffee wrappers falling out of folds that should only exist on elephants that lost a fight with an industrial hoover.

    There should be a law that states; “No grey on display” as us pasty white Brits, both young and old do not mix well with vitamin D filled sunshine.

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    • Mr H, that was quite poetic, though I did heave slightly at the image of cobwebs and soft centre toffee wrappers falling out of folds. My neighbour, who is older than God, does like to show the flesh at this time of year as she sunbathes in her garden. Last year we found 3 Chaffinches, 1 badger and an urban fox hidden within her wrinkles.

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  3. You left out one of the sights of summer guaranteed to scar every poor unsuspecting observer for life. Speedos, that man-body-hugging stretchy skimpy bit of bathing suit that is ALWAYS stretched to the limit on the most unsavory of man-bodies. GAG!

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    • Eww, I forgot about the guys that stuff their bodies into speedos like meat inside a sausage casing. The over spill is like watching molten lava slowly oozing out of a volcano. Summertime is one scary season.

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  4. AH Yes this is the drawback of a British summer although out here in the country folk tend to keep their coats on so it is a bit safer. I use the word safer loosely as folk in the country tend to be mad and the heat only makes it worse, probably because they are even hotter due to refusing to take their coat off.

    I’m late yet again Miss Lily which is terrible but I made it in the end, I seem to be doing stuff a lot lately and I seem to have limited spare time.

    Tomorrow there is talk of it getting even hotter in London so I am not sure what sort of sights you will get to see but I suspect it will not be good. . . . . If I remember correctly you are not a great fan off the sun so I hope the next couple of days are not to bad for you, you may need to sit in the fridge and eat ice cream.

    That last pic was scary, I will not visit London ever again just in case I should see such a thing.

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    • I bet that in the country, you have this extraordinary phenomena called ‘breeze.’ We seem to be lacking this so called ‘light current of air’ here in London.
      It’s 33 at the moment, so the amount of jiggling flesh on show, has reached epic proportions. We’ve had to shut the curtains and bolt the doors to avoid the over spill of loose flesh coming in from outside.
      Ah yes, My Polymorphic Light Eruption (allergic reaction to ultraviolet rays) makes it impossible to enjoy this weather. Right now, my frozen goods are melting as I take up residence in the freezer compartment.

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  5. And eeewww Lily, just eewww, altho I have to tell you we have our fair share of man boobed, beer bellied, lobsters here, and forget the muffin tops, some of these people are carrying around the whole damn bakery! I may be one them but I keep my muffin cloaked in darkness so as not to be responsible for taking the sight of the innocents. 🙂

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  6. This is so funny, Lily! I don’t see as many guys so lobster red here but I’ve seen plenty of hairy beer-belly guys on the beach with moobs and I look at them and think, no-ooo!…cannot unsee that!! The way you described all the “birds” was just priceless! Well, my bikini days are long gone and I’m covered more these days but I can safely say I’ll never be one of those “birds” LOL! 🙂

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    • Madilyn, we tend to go to extremes over here. One snow flake, and there’s chaos and disorder. A teeny weeny bit of sunshine and people get naked. Even if there’s blustery winds and hailstones, if the sun is shining, then the streets of London become awash with the jiggling of flesh that no one should have to set eyes upon. NO ONE!

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