Three Reasons Which Make Me Want To Reach Into My Womb And Tie My Own Tubes.

Spawn, Ophelia and Princess

Sometimes parenthood can be a tough business and it is often a thankless task. But if there’s one valuable lesson that I’ve learned since having Spawn, it’s that you can’t sell them in exchange for a rather expensive Dyson and a twenty pack of Marlboro lights. Apparently there’s some kind of law against such a thing, something to do with their constitutional rights blah blah blah…. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening to the judge as he was handing down my sentence.

So what do we know about children? Those of us who have pushed forth the fruits of our gin soaked lust of shame, know that they are inherently evil, no matter what the psychologists say. We also know that their one mission in life, is to erode away the safe walls of our sanity and crush underfoot our will to live, thus leaving behind only a dried up husk of our former self. And nine times out of ten, they succeed in their objective. Alas, there I was, stuck at home with three of the god awful heathens.. well, two heathens and one living entrails…and two of them weren’t even mine! 

“Oooooh, Philly and Spawn, up here ALL alone. Is there romance afoot?”

“No Princess, your face is a foot. And it’s Ophelia, not Philly”.

*Now permit me to tell you folks why, in spite of her appearance, I really do adore Princess. Apart from the fact that she often puts her ginormous size feet into her over-filled mouth through her sheer naivety, she is an incredibly warm and polite child, and this is the most important part, has the uncanny ability to make Ophelia act like an immature brat, a feat that no-one else has been known to achieve*.

“Ooh Philly, you are too funny. ♪Spawn and Philly sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s…♫

“I can assure you Princess, a name that contravenes your physicality, that we are doing no such thing. And the name is Ophelia, not Philly”.

“What did she say?”

(Sighs heavily)”Why do I feel as though today is going to be a long day?”

“Rest assured Spawn, that it will not be as long as Princesses’ face”.

“Come on Philly, chillax. Sing it with me. ♪Spawn and Philly sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love then comes…♫ come on Philly, you’re not singing. ♪First comes love, then comes…♫”

  “A formal contractual obligation recognized by law, wherein a man and woman become man and wife”.

“What did she say?”

“I believe that Ophelia was referring to the marriage part of the rhyme”.

“Oh… Okay. So ♪first comes love, then comes marriage then comes… ♫ Philly…?”

“Good grief! Then comes a round of In Vitro Fertilization, culminating in the genesis of an infant as it starts it’s life as a physically separate being. After it is born, it is then placed in a  four wheeled means of  conveyance, colored in a hue consisting of gold. And thus ends the rhyme”.

“What did she say?”

(Ophelia appears deep in thought, before suddenly asking) “Princess, how is it, that you’ve never bitten off the lower half of your face?”

“OPHELIA!!”

“Is it that your tongue acts as a kind of a springboard, bouncing into action whenever you attempt to close your mouth?”

“OPHELIA CORDELIA EMMALINE  SWANSON! WHAT IN THE BLAZES HAS GOTTEN IN TO YOU? HAVE YOU SUFFERED FROM SOME SORT OF SUDDEN BRAIN SEIZURE?? HAS YOUR BRAIN SEIZED UPON ITSELF?”

“I…I’m so sorry Spawn, I don’t know what came over me. It just seems that whenever I’m in the presence of Medusa over there, a sense of moronic childishness takes over my core being”.

“Well that may be so Ophelia but I cannot allow such insolence to go on within my domain…unless it’s coming from me”.

“What did he say?”

“That fact that our dear friend looks like the hand of God has reached through her spleen, giving it a good tug, thus giving her the appearance of having been turned inside out, is no cause to bare such malice. And yes, she may be a little dim-witted, lacking even the intellectual capabilities of an amoeba with cranial damage but she is  our cohort”.

“Ooh, who are we talking about?”

“Yo mama”.

“OPHELIA!”

And that touching scene folks, is why I smoke crack.

~Lily