Spawn, Ophelia and Princess
Sometimes parenthood can be a tough business and it is often a thankless task. But if there’s one valuable lesson that I’ve learned since having Spawn, it’s that you can’t sell them in exchange for a rather expensive Dyson and a twenty pack of Marlboro lights. Apparently there’s some kind of law against such a thing, something to do with their constitutional rights blah blah blah…. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening to the judge as he was handing down my sentence.
So what do we know about children? Those of us who have pushed forth the fruits of our gin soaked lust of shame, know that they are inherently evil, no matter what the psychologists say. We also know that their one mission in life, is to erode away the safe walls of our sanity and crush underfoot our will to live, thus leaving behind only a dried up husk of our former self. And nine times out of ten, they succeed in their objective. Alas, there I was, stuck at home with three of the god awful heathens.. well, two heathens and one living entrails…and two of them weren’t even mine!
*Now permit me to tell you folks why, in spite of her appearance, I really do adore Princess. Apart from the fact that she often puts her ginormous size feet into her over-filled mouth through her sheer naivety, she is an incredibly warm and polite child, and this is the most important part, has the uncanny ability to make Ophelia act like an immature brat, a feat that no-one else has been known to achieve*.
“Good grief! Then comes a round of In Vitro Fertilization, culminating in the genesis of an infant as it starts it’s life as a physically separate being. After it is born, it is then placed in a four wheeled means of conveyance, colored in a hue consisting of gold. And thus ends the rhyme”.
“That fact that our dear friend looks like the hand of God has reached through her spleen, giving it a good tug, thus giving her the appearance of having been turned inside out, is no cause to bare such malice. And yes, she may be a little dim-witted, lacking even the intellectual capabilities of an amoeba with cranial damage but she is our cohort”.
And that touching scene folks, is why I smoke crack.