Imagine if you coughed up a spleen and that spleen then came to life…that’s what Princess looks like.

Princess

Hollering aloud her spirituality and  looking increasingly like someone who had been born inside out,  Princess stood brazenly at my front door. My own fervent belief, was that the gods were somehow punishing me for a time gone by and which was no longer in existence. Obviously in a former life, if one were to believe in such a thing, I had unmistakably been a villain, nay a blaggard, a person of evil-doing whom had committed such vile acts as eating new born babies, with a side order of fluffy kittens. How else could I explain that my house was now a refuge for the decaying fruits of someone else’s womb.

 Now let me explain a little bit about Princess. Although she is one of those rare occurrences that sometimes manifests itself in nature, ie  a nice child, she does have a face that after her mother had given birth, she was slapped quite violently by the mid-wife…the mother that is, not Princess. However, after being in her presence awhile, you almost forget that Princess looks like she’s been creatively fashioned from her own intestines…until the next time she visits and then the shock factor kicks in once again.

AARRGGHH!”

“Aaaarrrggghhh!” WHAT??”

 ” Oh I’m so sorry Princess, forgive me. I thought you were better looking, I mean somebody else. Good god! How is it that your parents are able to eat at the same table as you? Anyway, what can I do for you Princess? Fetch you a paper bag perhaps?”

Princess then made a sound not dissimilar to that of a pig and a donkey, who have both been buried alive and whose only chance of survival, was for one to devour the other. This sound I have long come to realise, is Princess’s laugh. “Ooh Spawn’s mother, you’re so funny. I have just come back from worshiping at the house of our Lord and asked my parents to drop me off to see Spawn, bless the Virgin Mary and the little baby Jesus”.

“Oh, are your parents with you? I’d quite like to see what kind of hybrid it took to make such a pretty child.”  Note the sarcasm? Princess didn’t.

 “Aww Spawn’s mum, you’re so sweet, bless the little baby Jesus who died for our sins. But mum and dad dropped me off about seven miles from here and told me to walk the rest”.

“Hmmm, I wonder why? Er, Princess honey, can you just turn your head away a little, I’m beginning to feel slightly queasy”.

“Ooh, have you lost weight recently Spawn’s mum?”

“Why yes Princess, (smiles like the proverbial Cheshire Cat) I have. How nice of you to notice”.

 “It’s just that I noticed your back fat isn’t showing through that dress as much as much as it usually does”.

“What?? I don’t have…”

 “It used to look like somebody had stuffed a packet of hot dogs down the back of your dress”.

” Like I said, I don’t have ba…”

“When I first met you,  it took me a full 10 minutes to realise that you weren’t even facing towards me”.

“Okay, ha ha very funny, you can stop…”

“would you believe that I’d been talking to your back the whole time?! I actually thought that those lumps were your breasts, excuse my language Virgin Mary who carried the little baby Jesus for nine months so that he may grow to save us all”.

And here is where I had to stop myself from wrapping Princess’s serpent like tongue around her veiny neck.

“It’s like that advert said, “get the ripple effect” and boy, did you have some ripple effect going on…”

“OK! THAT’S ENOUGH PRINCESS!”

“Look why don’t you go upstairs and see Spawn. Ophelia is with him”.

“Ooh, Philly’s here! I will go up immediately and say hello, blessed be to the donkey who carried the Virgin Mary when she was with child, cos she must have been well heavy. And with that, Princess lolloped upstairs to Spawn’s room, the size of her weighted face, causing her to trip every once in a while. “Ooh Spawn! Philly! Hiya!!”

“Oh good lord! They’ve released the Kraken”.

~Lily

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37 thoughts on “Imagine if you coughed up a spleen and that spleen then came to life…that’s what Princess looks like.

      • It would be interesting to find out that Morgan Freeman read this and that it caused him to vomit. That would be a Vomited Morgan Freeman who them vomited more Morgan Freeman freeing a fleeing organ of Morgan until there is less and less Morgan Freeman who would then be forced to go by MF. (Somehow this all made me think of the James Bond movie ‘Skyfall’ but I am not sure of the connection.)

        This is the worst sick I have been in quite awhile. It has been a long day with emotional content of some difficulty through the process of taking Cooper to the vet for his annual shots and nail trim. It should be easy with most dogs, but Cooper weighs 102 lbs and is difficult to load and unload and requires anesthesia to be worked on which then exaserbates the loading and unloading process. So I am tired and have minor operational problems at work with faulty raw material while trying to finish an order and start a new one while my embroidery business is taking off like crazy but at least I have learned some reaLLy cool design tricks this week. And now D Trump is running for president, bizarre. He is one strange package of talking meat.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I think I quite like the idea of a world full of MF. They would be like Sentinels, guarding us through our daily lives with words of wisdom spoken in a soft yet lilting tone. A world where Donald Trump is president however, signifies the start of the APOCALYPSE, or a Zombie invasion! And we’ve got enough of those walking around already.

          Sorry to hear that you’re feeling unwell Mr E, it sounds like a difficult time. Glad to hear that the business is becoming a success though, but all that must take it’s toll on your health as well. Wishing you better and sending a huge ((hug)).

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    • Thank you Brian. I do love Princess, she’s a real treasure…which might explain why her parents keep trying to bury her. And why were you on fire? Most people use a duvet to keep warm, not kerosene.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, let’s just say that I often find myself in odd, life-threatening situations, with fires flaring and whatnot. I used to wear a medic-alert bracelet that would warn people of such, but I ripped it off in a moment of Norma Rae independence and, well, I’m still technically a safety hazard… 😉

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        • LOL! You go Norma Rae! Don’t worry, not only do I trip over my own foot, but I’m a whiz at falling UP stairs. It’s a skill I can tell ya.

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  1. O crap. I think I may have slept with her mother! They look very similar. It was some time ago and I think I may have been drunk. Not touched a drop since waking up that morning. I still have nightmares.
    Fortunately I have finished my coffee now but sides still ache from laughing

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    • Uh-oh! Looks like a trip to The Jeremy Kyle show and a DNA test might be in order. If you are the father, think of the joy that will be the guy that’s been bringing her up for the last 14 years.

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      • I doubt very much that Princess is mine as I knew her mum decades ago. She was a very interesting woman. Her dad was a Gungan diplomat called Jar Jar Binks and her mum was well known in horse racing circles. Shergar was her name I think.

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    • Thanks Linda. You gotta love Princess. Though sometimes I do get the urge to staple her lips together. Next, is My Spawn, Ophelia and Princess all in one room. The three of them together, could well herald the start of the apocalypse.

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  2. I will say the Lil man has some interesting friends, do any of the parents of his friends have blogs where the Lil man is mentioned it would be interesting to compare the contrasting views.

    I have been in the grey office today not the sun so I am a bit brain dead

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    • Lil man always picked the most interesting people to befriend back at primary school. And because I got to know them well, it was easy to take a part of their character and exaggerate it, ie, Princess’ penchant for mentioning the lord in almost every sentence.
      Actual conversation with Princess as the kids dressed up as their favourite book characters:

      Me: Who have you come dressed as Princess?

      Princess: I am Mary, wife of Joseph and mother of the little baby Jesus who died for us all.

      She was 8 years old at the time. As far as I know, none of his friend’s parents have blogs. Probably because they all have lives. Tis such a pity that you didn’t get to enjoy the weather. Right now, it’s tropical season in my bedroom. No sleep for me tonight.

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  3. Lily, I have to say that Spawn has some colorful (to put it nicely!!) friends. Just imagining a laugh that sounds like a pig and donkey buried alive and one devouring the other had me cracking up!! Seems that once Princess got going though she gave as good as she got LOL! That grotesque image sure looks like a spleen that was coughed up and came to life, scary!! Also scary the way Princess kept dropping the baby Jesus and Virgin Mary references…hmmm….just where did her parents find her? in an abandoned stable amongst the pigs and donkeys? (Well that would explain the laugh LOL!) Just kidding but it’s all very curious!

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    • Madilyn, now that he’s in highschool, his ‘acquaintances’ are stranger still. The stories he tells me when he comes home from school, have me roaring with laughter. Poor Princess really does have a face like a cross between a warthog and the Predator, but she’s such a sweet natured child. It’s just sometimes, she puts me off my food.

      I think her parents probably went to school with the virgin Mary, mother of the little baby Jesus, because she talks about her like she knows her personally.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Ahhh… Princess! I darned near forgot about her. (Then again, I’ve never seen her in person, right?) It’s good to see her revisit your blog again, because she’s a great character. She kinda reminds me of some people I’ve met whose gene pool needed a lot more chlorine.

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    • Susan, usually it’s AAAAAARGH Princess! At no point during a visit, no matter how long it lasts, one can never get used to Princess’ face.

      Heehee, you and I have may have met the same people.

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