Hollering aloud her spirituality and looking increasingly like someone who had been born inside out, Princess stood brazenly at my front door. My own fervent belief, was that the gods were somehow punishing me for a time gone by and which was no longer in existence. Obviously in a former life, if one were to believe in such a thing, I had unmistakably been a villain, nay a blaggard, a person of evil-doing whom had committed such vile acts as eating new born babies, with a side order of fluffy kittens. How else could I explain that my house was now a refuge for the decaying fruits of someone else’s womb.
Now let me explain a little bit about Princess. Although she is one of those rare occurrences that sometimes manifests itself in nature, ie a nice child, she does have a face that after her mother had given birth, she was slapped quite violently by the mid-wife…the mother that is, not Princess. However, after being in her presence awhile, you almost forget that Princess looks like she’s been creatively fashioned from her own intestines…until the next time she visits and then the shock factor kicks in once again.
” Oh I’m so sorry Princess, forgive me. I thought you were better looking, I mean somebody else. Good god! How is it that your parents are able to eat at the same table as you? Anyway, what can I do for you Princess? Fetch you a paper bag perhaps?”
Princess then made a sound not dissimilar to that of a pig and a donkey, who have both been buried alive and whose only chance of survival, was for one to devour the other. This sound I have long come to realise, is Princess’s laugh. “Ooh Spawn’s mother, you’re so funny. I have just come back from worshiping at the house of our Lord and asked my parents to drop me off to see Spawn, bless the Virgin Mary and the little baby Jesus”.
“would you believe that I’d been talking to your back the whole time?! I actually thought that those lumps were your breasts, excuse my language Virgin Mary who carried the little baby Jesus for nine months so that he may grow to save us all”.
And here is where I had to stop myself from wrapping Princess’s serpent like tongue around her veiny neck.
“Ooh, Philly’s here! I will go up immediately and say hello, blessed be to the donkey who carried the Virgin Mary when she was with child, cos she must have been well heavy. And with that, Princess lolloped upstairs to Spawn’s room, the size of her weighted face, causing her to trip every once in a while. “Ooh Spawn! Philly! Hiya!!”