Grab The Pitchforks And Torches! It’s Ophelia. Part 2

Grab The Pitchforks And Torches! It’s Ophelia. Part 2

In the intervening days since Spawn discovered a book containing illustrations depicting the human anatomy, as well as an explanation on reproduction, he has been in a mild state of shock…well I say mild, more catatonic then anything else. Also he keeps giving me these weird looks that say “I know what you’ve been up to and what you did in order for me to exist.” It really is quite disconcerting. So when his friend stopped by to pay him a visit, I thought that it would do him the world of good. Unfortunately, that friend turned out to be the dreaded vampire brat, Ophelia.

“Greetings and salutations Spawn’s mother”.

 “Oh, hello Ophelia, how are you? You know what? And I’m sure that you’ll find this funny but I just had that weird feeling that one gets, you know, like somebody suddenly walking over their grave. And then ta-da, you show up”.

“So Ophelia, what can I do for you?”

“I am most apologetic for this unexpected, nay undesired social call Spawn’s mother. But having not seen him at the fetid grounds where the bulls charged among the denizens like rampant were-beasts, whilst haranguing and torturing those of my species, in which I mean females, I thought that I would pay him a visit to see if he was suffering from sort sort of malaise”.

“Are the lads at the park still harassing you?”

“If by ‘lads’ you mean those denoting the sex that produces small, typically motile gametes, especially spermatozoa, then yes”.

“It was just a stretch too far for you to say ‘boys’ wasn’t it? Anyway, come inside before the neighbours catch sight of you. I’m far too tired to be dealing with an angry mob brandishing pitchforks and torches. Oh I’ve just realised, it’s noon, don’t your kind usually stay out of the sunlight in case you burn and turn to ashes?”

“I have not an inkling as to what you are referring too Spawn’s mother. (Ponders for a moment) Oh I see! Was that a composition of formulated words, whereby one takes a flaw from another individual’s character and then makes a flippant statement pertaining to the imperfection that mars that particular person, before then turning it into some form of jest?”

(sighs heavily) “Yes Ophelia, it was a joke. Good god, I can suddenly feel a migraine coming on”.

“I’m not sure Spawn’s mother, if I found the jest to be an amusing one. I can only ascertain that assassinating the distinctive personality of a person’s disposition, merely brings about feelings of inadequacy and anxiety, not to mention that it is a practice well known for it’s humiliating results. As such, I am most assured in my assumption that this will probably cause the receiver of the jape to become negatively affected via agitation and maybe even vexation. It is a good thing that I do not take heart at such cruel witticism, having been born with a strong constitution”.

 “As well as no soul. So how’s your father? Is he still working as an undertaker?”

“Yes, my father is still employed in the business of attending to those whom have passed on before us, as they leave the mortal coils that once tethered them to this very earth”.

“Well I’m sure that after taking care of you all day, he must find some solace in such lively company. And your mother, how is she faring?”

“Mother has requested that her stay at the institute for those whose psyches are fractured by the everyday toil of what it is to be human, be extended…indefinitely”.

“Now why on earth would the woman who bore you, request to stay at a secure mental health unit?”

“…never mind, stupid question”.

“The most puzzling aspect of her request Spawn’s mother, is that father also asked if he could join her. Don’t you find that the least bit curious?”

“No, I don’t. I really don’t. Anyway, before you go up and see Spawn, would you like a drink? I have some orange juice”.

“Oh I only drink orange juice where the fruits themselves, have been plucked by the hands of the vestal virgins of the Cayman Isles and the pulp pounded by the size 3 feet of the small children from the Sierra Maestra range. So if you have any of that, then I’ll gladly accept your offer of a beverage”.

(shouts upstairs like a common fishwife…as opposed to an uncommon fishwife) “SPAAAAWN! YOU HAVE A VISITOR! Now if you’ll excuse me Ophelia, I’m off to get rid of the migraine that’s brewing, by repeatedly bludgeoning myself with next door’s cat”.



17 thoughts on “Grab The Pitchforks And Torches! It’s Ophelia. Part 2

    • Susan, that poor cat had it coming, pooping all over my lawn…
      I should have just tortured it by confiscating it’s illegal stash of catnip. That stuff is like crack to cats.

      I’d read yours if I wasn’t so nervous about using my card on-line. Seriously, it’s a real fear. As for reading any book that I might publish, I wouldn’t subject anyone to that much pain, but thank you. 🙂


  1. AH yes I had forgotten about her folks, but I do love the way she puts things. There is no dodgy slang short cuts with Ophelia, I suspect most of her own age group must just think she is speaking in Martian. I do agree about the orange juice although I would also prefer it if it was strained through some pure Irish linen made by nuns, I was never a fan of bits in my orange.. . . . . It reminds me of when we had our own business and I was at a trade fair standing at a fair-trade stall looking at something. The rep insisted that the product was made by working women who received a decent wage, I told them I was rather disappointed and was hoping to find something made by small children who at the end of a long day were paid with a bowl of rice. I did get some funny looks but they still took our order.


    • Mr Z, I need the ‘Dictionary of Shakespearian prose’ to understand what that girl is saying.

      I love grape juice, but if they haven’t be stomped and pressed by the tiny feet of two year olds from Papa New Guinea, then I ain’t drinking it. There’s magic in those feet. But you can’t beat orange juice made by working women who receive a decent wage. That’s what gives it that citric kick.


  2. You said in a reply to the last post that you weren’t sure why people love Ophelia so much. I can’t speak for anyone else but for me she is an amazing character. Creepy yet adorable. She’s not meaning to be creepy like some goth kid, she’s just weird because she’s weird. I admire that in people.


    • One of Spawn’s teachers said to me on Thursday, that people are drawn to him because he doesn’t care what others think of him. Ophelia is the same. She’s aware that she doesn’t fit the norm and she doesn’t care. As she’s gotten older, I have noticed that people are drawn to her also, before, she was just a scary arsed kid’s. And you’re right, she is who she is and that’s what makes her genuine, interesting and as scary as fuck. Glad you’re enjoying the re-posts. 🙂


    • Hahaha! My child looks weird and talks funny and I’m not nice to him either. Why treat The Queen Of The Damned any differently?

      As long as you have garlic, holy water and a crucifix, you should be safe. Remember, the undead have to be invited in personally.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think I would have a migraine after trying to decipher what on earth she is blabbing on about. Give me the OMG, Whatevs and the LMAO types and I can figure that out.

    Are you sure that cats don’t run away when she is nearby? Poor cat!


    • Miss B, thanks to Spawn speaking like a cross between a Victorian gent and Stewie from Family Guy, I am now adept in the art of ‘ye olde worlde gibberish’ speak.

      Cats more spit and hiss and arch their backs when Ophelia walks by. Strange, considering that she’d have at least one as her familiar.


  4. Well, I don’t see why you don’t serve orange juice from fruit handpicked by vestal virgins from the Cayman Isles with the “pulp pounded by the size 3 feet of the small children from the Sierra Maestra range.” Really, who wouldn’t want that? Yikes! So Ophelia’s father is an undertaker and her mother is staying (hiding?) at a secure mental health unit? Why am I not surprised?! OMG, Lily, I’d have a migraine too after a conversation with that girl! It’s sure never dull.


    • Orange juice from fruit handpicked by vestal virgins from the Cayman Isles with the “pulp pounded by the size 3 feet of the small children from the Sierra Maestra range, is the ONLY juice that should be on people’s shopping lists. Those little foot stompers are business orientated and have overheads to think about. What’s the point in drinking orange juice if it isn’t made by little Island kids?

      Ophelia’s father is lovely and works for the local funeral home. Her mum is a bit dotty, which I understand fully, having giving birth to my own male version of Ophelia.
      Seriously Madilyn, you’d be clawing at the floor tiles after listening to her for 5 minutes, trying to escape.

      Liked by 1 person

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