The Lil man has quite a few admirers among the young female population. Surprisingly it would seem that ‘Psychotic’ is now the new sexy.
However Spawn is unperturbed by all the adulation that he receives because in his mind, which as we all know is full of thoughts on world domination, matricide and how long can he withhold his farts before he imploded, girls are only slightly less disgusting than slugs but only slightly.
So it was like a bolt from the blue, (what the feck does that mean anyway?) when he asked if he could invite a ‘girl’ friend round for dinner. This is the story of how I came to meet Ophelia.
“Hello mother mine. I have returned from that hollow place, that which they who govern, call SCHOOL” (Yes, he does sometimes talk like that…freak!)
“For once child, would it kill you to just say ‘hello mum’ like any other normal child?”
“I guess it would. Ahh, I see that you have brought your little friend hom…HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!”
“Mater, may I introduce you to Ophelia?”
“Where in the name of the Holy Trinity, did you dig her up…I mean you meet this charming child? She is human isn’t she? (turns to Ophelia) I haven’t noticed you around before. Are you new to the area?”
“We met in the grounds of the torture enclosure, whereby she was beset by a baying circle of He- Hounds. The cruel beasts seemed intent on causing her great harm by propulsion of some hard and grainy matter to the cranial area”.
“You mean you met over in the park?”
“Where boys were throwing rocks.”
“That is correct.”
“At her head?”
“What part of ‘propulsion of some hard and grainy matter to the cranial area,’ did you not understand mother?”
“Did they also carry pitch forks and fiery torches?”
“Never mind. Morticia…I mean Ophelia, (because heaven forbid my child should meet a girl called Sharon or Tracy) would you like to join us for dinner?”
“I do not feast on the flesh of the dead”.
“Good, because I’m all out of dead flesh, it’s just pizza and chips tonight”.
“May I ask what kind of topping? For I also do not partake of the senseless murder of vegetation, for their screams of agony pierces the darkness of my sensitive soul”.
“OH FOR FuCK SAKE, ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME?!”
And that is the story of how I came to meet Ophelia.