Ophelia Part One.

 Ophelia 

The Lil man has quite a few admirers among the young female population. Surprisingly it would seem that ‘Psychotic’ is now the new sexy.

 However Spawn is unperturbed by all the adulation that he receives because in his mind, which as we all know is full of thoughts on world domination, matricide and how long can he withhold his farts before he imploded, girls are only slightly less disgusting than slugs but only slightly.

So it was like a bolt from the blue, (what the feck does that mean anyway?) when he asked if he could invite a ‘girl’ friend round for dinner. This is the story of how I came to meet Ophelia.

 

 “Hello mother mine. I have returned from that hollow place, that which they who govern, call SCHOOL”  (Yes, he does sometimes talk like that…freak!)

“For once child, would it kill you to just say ‘hello mum’ like any other normal child?”

“I guess it would. Ahh, I see that you have brought your little friend hom…HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!!”

“Hello.”

“Mater, may I introduce you to Ophelia?”

“Where in the name of the Holy Trinity, did you dig her up…I mean you meet this charming child? She is human isn’t she? (turns to Ophelia) I haven’t noticed you around before. Are you new to the area?”

“We met in the grounds of the torture enclosure, whereby she was beset by a baying circle of He- Hounds. The cruel beasts seemed intent on causing her great harm by propulsion of  some hard and grainy matter to the cranial area”.

“You mean you met over in the park?”

“Affirmative”.

“Where boys were throwing rocks.”

“That is correct.”

“At her head?”

“What part of ‘propulsion of some  hard and grainy matter to the cranial area,’ did you not understand mother?”

“Did they also carry pitch forks and fiery torches?”

“Never mind. Morticia…I mean Ophelia, (because heaven forbid my child should meet a girl called Sharon or Tracy) would you like to join us for dinner?”

“I do not feast on the flesh of the dead”.

“Good, because I’m all out of dead flesh, it’s just pizza and chips tonight”.

“May I ask what kind of topping? For I also do not partake of the senseless murder of vegetation, for their screams of agony pierces the darkness of my sensitive soul”.

“OH FOR FuCK SAKE, ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME?!”

And that is the story of how I came to meet Ophelia.

~Lily

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23 thoughts on “Ophelia Part One.

  1. Well Miss Lily as you know I am a great fan of Ophelia. I do hope she is doing well, she certainly has a cool way of saying stuff. I wish I could say stuff like that although I dont plan to give up bacon and am always happy to feast on the flesh of the dead. . . . I do like to look slightly guilty about it and use the correct implements to tear the beast apart with refinement.

    I think the last we heard was she was seeing another and the Lil man was keeping a stiff upper lip and trying to look happy. OOoooo I hope she returns . . . Still life is fickle she will probably run off with an eel fisherman from Skegness.

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    • Still don’t get why everyone is a fan of Satan’s daughter…I mean Ophelia Mr Z. She’s a brilliant character to write about, but meeting her in the flesh makes me want to repeatedly slam my head with the oven door. She and Spawn are still friends but are now at that age where folks tend to grow apart and as far as I know, she is no longer seeing another. Poor boy is probably in a mental health facility somewhere.

      The Lil man has recently turned traitor and discovered the joy of bacon, so the smell of dead flesh can now be smelled throughout my household…and I’m not talking about the bacon…

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      • OOoooooo I am glad they are friends again, folk do not always grow apart and who is to say that in a few years time she will not be part of the family. They would make an interesting couple. . .

        Bacon is grand stuff, but they do say every bacon based meal is an hour off your life.

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        • Most of the Lil man’s friends were females, so when they went to one school and he started at an all boys school, they lost touch as they each forged new friendships, or ‘acquaintances’ as he puts it.

          I do miss bacon and somedays, I could quite happily slaughter a whole hog right there in my kitchen. But after over 20 years of being a vegetarian, I fear that my stomach would stage a revolt…all over my kitchen floor.

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  2. I too hear the screams of carrots and peas when they are immersed into the steamer… the torture, the pain! How can one be so merciless that they could inflict unnecessary torment to harmless veggies.. unless they are wrapped in bacon, then its all worthwhile.

    Sounds like Ophelia would be the type that would watch you sleeping at night. That would freak the shite out of me…

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  3. Lily, meeting Ophelia must have been startling and I’d be saying Holy Mary Mother of God too!! (those words just gave me a flashback to Sister Mary Margaret in parochial school LOL!). Besides being a scary imitation of Morticia, Ophelia is sure a picky eater!! Senseless murder of vegetation?! And she hears their screams of agony?! Well, I need to go murder…er, I mean cook…some veggies with dead flesh…er, I mean meat!

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    • Madilyn, meeting Ophelia for the first time, was like a jolt to the system. She’s a pretty little thing, but she does look like she’s been buried underground for a few years and then dug back up. The poor thing is so pale, that the sun reflects off her and she glows in the dark.
      Haha! The only dead flesh around here, will be Spawn if he doesn’t get his carcass out of bed and get ready for school.

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  4. Our spawn’s first live-in was a gothic style Morticia. Her name was Jamilla (rhymes with vanilla). Conversation with her, what little she was willing to communicate, was as stimulating as watching a sloth sleep for twelve hours.

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    • Well Ophelia at least, knows how to have a conversation. In most of them, she uses words that I can’t understand, or sentences that make me want to rip her tongue out from her highly intellectual mouth. But apart from that…

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  5. I LOVE OPHELIA!!!! I saw you had reposted this and I wanted to wait until I had time t really enjoy it without distraction and I am so glad I did. Off to reread the second coming of Ophelia.

    Liked by 1 person

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