As we continue to trawl through the archives of a time gone by, I thought that I would reintroduce Spawn to those new to ‘Incoherent Ramblings” Now there has been much research into the findings of whether one can be born evil or if it is a product of external factors. However, Spawn is categorical proof, that one can be born with evil in their hearts.
Spawn Fact File
DOB: 6.6. 2001
Time of birth: 6hrs 6mins 6secs
Occupation: Being evil.
Aim: World domination, Matricide and being able to sleep without a night-light on.
Abilities: Able to blow a hole through time and space with his gaseous buttocks.
Intelligence: Too smart for his own damned good.
Weakness: Places built on desecrated grounds such as churches, graveyards, Simon Cowell’s mansion.
Most nefarious deed: Being born.
It was all to do with the manipulation of the cosmos, a maneuvering that would soon see me fully brought in to being.
For the first part of my plan, It was imperative that I find two willing victims for my machinations, or else my disposition would most certainly fall awry at the first hurdle.
From out in the ether, I espied two individuals who were later to become my care-givers. A man with all the intellect of a Jackal and a woman whose hips could birth a nation.
Choosing these witless fools was the easy part in my design to be brought forth into the world but getting them together to commit the vile act of coitus, was proving to be an all together more complex issue. No matter, alcohol, low self-esteem and a sense of desperation would soon close matters between the two.
Alas once their union was sealed, it took a further four years of inept fumbling, for my conception to arise. Again no matter, I vowed solemnly that I would be sure to wreak havoc upon the mummy creature’s womb on the way out, as a mark of my utter disdain.
Once my imminent birth arrived, I had to put the second part of my plan into action, that of separation. I needed the mummy creature to be on her own so that I could easily manipulate her without interference from the ape-like daddy creature. I needed to hoodwink that vile woman, into believing me saintly enough to carry out my objective, which was to topple the government thus enabling me rule the world. Maybe jarring loose her cerebral cortex, by bashing in the back of her skull with a Tonka truck, thus giving her concussion at the tender age of 18 months, wasn’t such a good idea in masking my evil intent. But dammit, everywhere I turned that damnable harlot was there to thwart my every move. That confounded woman was proving to be something of a worthy opponent and so in time, came to be my arch nemesis.
I admit that in studying the wonder of flora, I made a grave mistake in not realizing just how long it would take for the human form to mature and gain independence. Using my knowledge of the life cycle of multicellular eukaryotes of the kingdom Plantae, or ‘plants’ as they are known to lesser intelligent of the human population, I am now guessing was not such a smart move.
And so due to my fatal error, I find myself trapped and reliant on this cursed mummy creature for some years yet. But Mark my words, once I have left school. finished college, gone on to university and moved out, then and only then, will I complete my plan for WORLD DOMINATION!!