Attack Of The Alien Horde. A Prequel To ‘Simon And The Earwings.’

This post was written a couple of years ago and was the prequel to ‘Simon and the earwigs.’ Now common sense would dictate that I posted this BEFORE ‘Simon and the earwigs,’ but as we can all clearly see from this blog, common sense is not so common.

Brief Synopsis:

Spawn and I are beseigedbeesigeedbiseeged… under attack.

A few days ago, a marauding band of alien insects decided to maraud all over our living room floor. The ensuing battle brought forth by these marauding marauders, ( J.K Rowling I ain’t) has been fraught with countless difficulties. There have been many tears, (mainly mine) high hysteria, (mainly me) blind panic (once again, that would be me) and the rotting or dying carcasses of alien bodies, as they lie strewn across the wasteland…which sounds invariably more poetic than carpet. It has not been a pleasant experience and as with most wars, there have been casualties on both sides.

Bug shido

“I am Bug Shido, part of the marauding hordes…God I hate my life…”

The Beginning:

 The battle lines had been drawn. There I stood. locked and  fully loaded with my faithful Electrolux 2000 strapped to my back and a couple of bug powder bottles holstered within my…er holster. I was primed and ready for action, awaiting the moment when the carnage would begin once more. Spawn was also ready for battle. His weapon of choice?  A ‘grabber’ His method of warfare? It would seem that he had chosen to adopt the tactical manoeuvre of ‘poke, scream, drop and run’.

grabber

Grabber = Spawn’s weapon of choice. Cost = £9.99 from the Science Museum. Function as a tool of destruction = Bloody useless. Seeing Spawn poke, scream, drop and run = Priceless

The Event:

They came from out of nowhere…well actually, they came in from the next door neighbour’s back garden but it seemed as though they had come out of nowhere. Strapped to the nines with an arsenal of weapons, the alien hordes attacked both quickly and stealthily.

Finding ourselves outnumbered, we had no idea of what had befallen us. We needed a plan of  action and we needed one fast. It was imperative that we were precise in our movements, executing a series of tactical military stratagems, in order to outwit and defeat our foes. Our first line of defence was to strike first. We had to incapacitate the enemy using the methods of surprise and disruption.

jessica“Hey, alien hordes, what’s that behind you?”

army ant“Wha? What the bloody hell?! There’s no one there! Methinks the human is trying to deceive us by using the methods of surprise and disruption in hoping to incapacitate us…what a bitch!”

The alien hordes in their confusion, stop  advancing long enough to look behind them. But on discovering the deception, continue their advance. Onwards they came, a glint of hunger in their beady eyes. The little man and I had to change our cause of action by combining arms. Using the flank maneuver, we positioned ourselves on either side, ready to attack on force from both directions.

jessica “Okay Spawn, position yourself to the left, right?”

evil (1) “Am I positioning myself to the left or the right?”

jessica “I said left.”

evil (1)“No you didn’t, you said left then right.”

jessica “Well I meant left.”

evil (1) “Then why did you say right?”

jessica “JUST  SHUT UP AND GET ON THE BLOODY LEFT FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE!!… Now when I give the command, attack…ATTAAAAAACK!!”

What happened next was a series of events that could only be described as highly embarrassing. We went in for the charge but the enemy predicting such a move, attacked first. Spawn with his grabber poked at them, screamed, dropped aforementioned grabber and ran, leaving me and my Electrolux 2000 to face our adversaries…OK, I ran too but those suckers were merciless and had fangs dripping with poison…I kid you not! It was time for us to  stop and plan our next line of ambush.

jessica “Okay, this isn’t working. We need to plan our next line of ambush. We can either use the ‘Pincher’ movement which will entail encircling the enemy, or we could try wearing them down through close combat until they are at the point of collapse.”

evil (1) “How comes you know so much about military strategy?”

jessica “I learnt all about it many years ago when I was in the SAS…that’s the Special Air Services to you.”

evil (1)

jessica “Don’t look at me like that. It was many years ago.”

evil (1)

jessica“Before you were born.”

evil (1)

jessica “Many…many…years ago.”

evil (1)

jessica“Oh alright then, I watched a documentary about military tactics on Channel 4 last night.What? I could have been in the SAS.”

evil (1)” Not with the size of your bum you couldn’t. You’d have trouble scaling up  the walls to storm buildings, because the weight from it alone would drag you back down.”

jessica“Now why do you always have to go and piss on my parade? My bum isn’t big…”

evil (1) “Yeah I know, you’re just big boned…but even you’ve got to admit that that’s one BIG bone.”

insect

“Shit, I’ve seen smaller bones on a dinosaur!”

The Battle:

After I had retrieved the grabber from the squirming mass of alien bodies and finished beating Spawn about the head, face and neck with it, we continued on with our deadly assault…which consisted of the little man screaming “DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!” And me phoning my mother in tears. But My Mother The Superhero was out fighting crime and bringing evil to justice…or down at the hairdresser getting her hair done, I forget which.

 

The battle raged on for seven days and seven nights and we had tried everything in our power to stem the ever-growing tide of the enemy forces. We breached behind enemy lines to destroy anything that might have been of any use to the  terrestrial army, which resulted in us both poking, screaming, dropping and running. We hit them from all sides, which resulted in us both poking, screaming, dropping and running. And lastly we decided to use the suction power of the Electrolux 2000 but still they came…which resulted in us both poking, screaming and…well you get the point. Eventually on the eighth day, Spawn hit upon a plan so cunning and grand. An idea so brilliant and dexterous and so bloody glaringly obvious, that even the alien hordes were disgusted by my sheer ignorance.

 

FIGHTING COCKROACHES

“Daaaamn! I’m disgusted by her sheer ignorance!”

The clever plan? To pour bug powder into their underground lair annihilating the whole alien species and I must say it’s worked a treat. The only drawback would be if it started to rain, washing away all the powder which could then, in effect, bring on another invasion…What’s that you say Spawn? The weather forecast for today is heavy showers? There might even be a flood warning? Better get out the nunchunks again…and put that bloody grabber away!

~Lily

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24 thoughts on “Attack Of The Alien Horde. A Prequel To ‘Simon And The Earwings.’

  1. Lol…we have a deal set in stone between the alien bugs and I… I am the one that is running down the road in hysterics and they can fight it out with the cats as to who takes over the mortgage. If no agreement..its a full can of nuclear strength bug spray and the can thrown at them. This is why i do not do camping as well

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  2. I was really impressed with your knowledge of military strategy! HA! You and Spawn should open your own exterminator company, not. We moved to a house once that had big huge wood beetles that lived in the garage. At first I was so freaked out I couldn’t sleep. Then as time went on I got used to them. If they were out in the garage when I went out there I’d shoo them away and they’d scatter like sheep only uglier and creepier. We finally got a cat that liked to hunt them. So they all moved away.

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    • Thanks Linda, if it weren’t for a documentary about tactical warfare, Google and those meddlesome kids, those earwigs would have gotten away with it.
      Those wood beatles are HUGE! I would have solved the problem by moving away…to another country. Now I have these nightmarish images of them scattering away like sheep. Meh, I didn’t want to sleep tonight anyway.

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  3. Have I read this before MMMMMMMMmmmmm I cant remember stuff but I do remember insects battles and the Lil man being disobedient, well a bit disobedient, well he was young back then things have changed. . . . . . . . .

    You can do many things with a decent vacuum cleaner tactical warfare is just the tip of the iceberg

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    • Yes you have Mr Z, that’s why I wrote that it had been written a couple of years ago, when I wrote it…a couple of years ago…which is when it was written…

      The Little man is still disobedient. It’s a little game he likes to play called ‘I’m going to ignore everything my mothers says and watch the life slowly ebb from her soul.’ I must say, he’s very good at it.

      Ahh, my Electrolux 200. I took it apart the other day and gave it a good clean out. Now it has the power of a vortex. the other day I hoovered up half the living room, an old woman and next door’s cat.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ah, the power of a good vacuum cleaner. If they’d only had a couple of those powering the Large Hadron Collider, they’d have sorted out all the ‘How does the Universe work’ physics stuff years ago. Love it, as always.

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  4. You keep reposting my favorites. Though now that I think about it, I can’t think of any least favorites.

    When are you going to introduce Ophelia? I miss her!

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    • Frank, I’m loving going through the archives and rewriting/editing some of my favourites. I’m so glad you’re enjoying them…again. Ha! You must be psychic. Next post is a reintroduction to Spawn followed by Ophelia and then the lovely but stomach churningly ugly Princess. Strangely enough, I miss Ophelia too, even though in reality, I’d like nothing better than to high five her face with my foot.

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    • Don’t know how I missed your comment D. Thank you. Coming from you, who in my opinion, is the best writer out there, that is a huge compliment. I always say this, but no one matches you in wit, poignancy, song parodies and style. There really isn’t anyone that writes like D, except D.

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  5. Lily, bravo on your military strategy and maneuvering batting the alien hordes (hey, bet you did have a secret life in the SAS!!). You and Spawn had a great plan of attack and darn the rainy forecast. Actually, I thought that using your Electrolux 200 was a super idea too, suck up the miserable little pests! Over the years and in different places, I’ve battled hordes of earwigs, carpenter ants, and the worst was actually hordes of camel-back crickets in the house when we first moved to this area (so ugly and prehistoric looking, and they jump 6 ft!). I trust all alien hordes have now been conquered there! 🙂

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    • Well I’ve slept with a few military men, does that count? Of course that’s not true. The last time I dated, was when we still drove horses and carriages.

      I’ve never heard of Camel-Back Crickets and from your description, I’m too scared to google them. The alien horde has long gone. Now I just have to battle the fiercest creature of all…THE SPAWN.

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  6. The SAS believe in overwhelming firepower. The Scoits believe in being prepared so be Bear Grylls who’s both.
    Keep many 6 packs of root beer in the house for you and catering size tins of baked beans for your Spawn. That’s the flamethrowers sorted. If possible obtain a 50 calibre machine gun with much ammo. Personal weapons: M16 with a M203 grenade launcher attached for you and a Hechler & Kock MP5 for Spawn. That should sort the little blighters out if they ever invade again. Your house will be destroyed but at least you will have had the pleasure of destroying hordes of alien beasties.

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