This post was written a couple of years ago and was the prequel to ‘Simon and the earwigs.’ Now common sense would dictate that I posted this BEFORE ‘Simon and the earwigs,’ but as we can all clearly see from this blog, common sense is not so common.
Spawn and I are beseiged…beesigeed…biseeged… under attack.
A few days ago, a marauding band of alien insects decided to maraud all over our living room floor. The ensuing battle brought forth by these marauding marauders, ( J.K Rowling I ain’t) has been fraught with countless difficulties. There have been many tears, (mainly mine) high hysteria, (mainly me) blind panic (once again, that would be me) and the rotting or dying carcasses of alien bodies, as they lie strewn across the wasteland…which sounds invariably more poetic than carpet. It has not been a pleasant experience and as with most wars, there have been casualties on both sides.
The battle lines had been drawn. There I stood. locked and fully loaded with my faithful Electrolux 2000 strapped to my back and a couple of bug powder bottles holstered within my…er holster. I was primed and ready for action, awaiting the moment when the carnage would begin once more. Spawn was also ready for battle. His weapon of choice? A ‘grabber’ His method of warfare? It would seem that he had chosen to adopt the tactical manoeuvre of ‘poke, scream, drop and run’.
They came from out of nowhere…well actually, they came in from the next door neighbour’s back garden but it seemed as though they had come out of nowhere. Strapped to the nines with an arsenal of weapons, the alien hordes attacked both quickly and stealthily.
Finding ourselves outnumbered, we had no idea of what had befallen us. We needed a plan of action and we needed one fast. It was imperative that we were precise in our movements, executing a series of tactical military stratagems, in order to outwit and defeat our foes. Our first line of defence was to strike first. We had to incapacitate the enemy using the methods of surprise and disruption.
The alien hordes in their confusion, stop advancing long enough to look behind them. But on discovering the deception, continue their advance. Onwards they came, a glint of hunger in their beady eyes. The little man and I had to change our cause of action by combining arms. Using the flank maneuver, we positioned ourselves on either side, ready to attack on force from both directions.
What happened next was a series of events that could only be described as highly embarrassing. We went in for the charge but the enemy predicting such a move, attacked first. Spawn with his grabber poked at them, screamed, dropped aforementioned grabber and ran, leaving me and my Electrolux 2000 to face our adversaries…OK, I ran too but those suckers were merciless and had fangs dripping with poison…I kid you not! It was time for us to stop and plan our next line of ambush.
“Okay, this isn’t working. We need to plan our next line of ambush. We can either use the ‘Pincher’ movement which will entail encircling the enemy, or we could try wearing them down through close combat until they are at the point of collapse.”
After I had retrieved the grabber from the squirming mass of alien bodies and finished beating Spawn about the head, face and neck with it, we continued on with our deadly assault…which consisted of the little man screaming “DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!” And me phoning my mother in tears. But My Mother The Superhero was out fighting crime and bringing evil to justice…or down at the hairdresser getting her hair done, I forget which.
The battle raged on for seven days and seven nights and we had tried everything in our power to stem the ever-growing tide of the enemy forces. We breached behind enemy lines to destroy anything that might have been of any use to the terrestrial army, which resulted in us both poking, screaming, dropping and running. We hit them from all sides, which resulted in us both poking, screaming, dropping and running. And lastly we decided to use the suction power of the Electrolux 2000 but still they came…which resulted in us both poking, screaming and…well you get the point. Eventually on the eighth day, Spawn hit upon a plan so cunning and grand. An idea so brilliant and dexterous and so bloody glaringly obvious, that even the alien hordes were disgusted by my sheer ignorance.
The clever plan? To pour bug powder into their underground lair annihilating the whole alien species and I must say it’s worked a treat. The only drawback would be if it started to rain, washing away all the powder which could then, in effect, bring on another invasion…What’s that you say Spawn? The weather forecast for today is heavy showers? There might even be a flood warning? Better get out the nunchunks again…and put that bloody grabber away!