Simon And The Earwigs. (Another stroll down memory lane)

Simon And The Earwigs

 Being ill is proving no fun at all. In dire need of some intellectual stimulation to feed my terminally bored cranium, I had the wicked intention to riling others solely so that I could avail myself of some much-needed verbiage. But alas, no bastard would take the bait.

 Whilst at the doctor’s office:

jessica “I’m telling you doctor, these meds are having no effect whatsoever.”

dr“Lily, you’ve been on those pills for what, a week? It takes around two weeks for the medication to properly enter into your system, you know that.”

jessica“But doctor, (whines like a bitch) there has to be something that you can give me that would have an immediate effect…”

dr“For the last time Lily, I am NOT prescribing you marijuana.”

jessica“I’ll pay you...(uncrosses legs and leans forward suggestively ala Sharon Stone in ‘Basic Instinct’) in kind.”

dr “SECURITY!”

Even the Lil man,  who is usually so keen to point out the errors of my ways, refuses to indulge in a spot of verbal jousting… no matter how much I try to provoke a reaction out of him.

Whilst sick in bed:

evil (1)“Mater, would you perchance, like to try one of these confections that features sugar as one of it’s principle ingredients?”

jessica“The word you’re looking for Spawn, is sweet or candy. But yes, I would like one thank you.” ( pops a blue coloured modified food starch, sodium citrate, carnauba wax, magnesium hydroxide, with just a hint of tartrazine sweet, into my mouth) “Yuck! It tastes like arse!”

evil (1) “MOTHER!”

jessica“Oops sorry, that just slipped out…but it does, it tastes just like…”

evil (1) “Good God woman! The local sewer is cleaner then your mouth! And how exactly do you know what a bottom tastes like?”

jessica “Well there was this one time your father and I…”

evil (1) “What is wrong with you?! Bonobo chimps are more dignified!!

So with no-one willing to enter into any kind of linguistic discourse with myself, I sought the next best thing, Customer Services. Last summer, our neighbour had decided to model her garden on the Amazonian rain forest and the Lil man and I soon found ourselves beset by a multitude of insects, specifically earwigs. Day after day we found ourselves battling with this alien horde, until I eventually put down enough insect powder (inside) to kill off a small continent. However, I spied some of the critters some days ago and decided this time, to act fast.

 “Hello pest control. This is Simon speaking. You called us earlier about a problem concerning an infestation of insects.”

jessica “Yes, that’s right.”

 “So how may I help you madam?”

jessica“Er, I have a problem…concerning an infestation…of insects.”

“OK.  And what exactly is the problem madam?”

jessica “I’m having a problem controlling an infestation of pests.The main problem being that I cannot control the pests… The pests are out of control… It is a problem… Concerning an infestation… Of pests…who are uncontrollable…”

“Sure madam. And what is the problem madam?”

 Madam?

Madam?

jessica“Oh sorry, I was busy cocking one eyebrow aloft in the style of Roger Moore, whilst staring down the phone in disbelief.”

 “I’m sorry madam, I was enquiring as to the nature of the problem. What insects are you having a problem with exactly?”

jessica  “Earwigs.”

 “Earwigs?”

jessica “Earwigs.”

 “I’m sorry madam, but we don’t deal with earwigs.”

 Madam?

jessica “Sorry, again with the cocking of the eyebrow and staring down the phone but this time I’ve added, staring in slack jaw amazement. This is Pest control isn’t it?”

 “Yes it is madam.”

jessica “And you do deal with insects right?”

 “Yes we do but earwigs are not classed as pests.”

jessica“What?? Isn’t the term ‘pest’ defined as being a nuisance or destructive? What if one of them tries to sit next to me on the sofa when I’m watching X factor but argues that it wants to watch Eastenders instead. Would they then be classed as a pest?”

 “No madam, I  would  class that as more annoying than being a pest.”

jessica “What if one of them made an unsolicited pass towards me and we got into a fight as I tried to defend myself?”

“Then technically, that would be classed as a sex pest, in which case I would recommend you call the police madam.”

jessica “What if they ate up all my crops and killed my livestock?”

“That would come under the remit of ‘Act of God’. You’d have to take that up with the big man himself.”

jessica “What if after refusing the advances of one of them, it continues to harass me by leaving endless email messages and texts and crying down the phone several times a day, saying that it loves me and that if it can’t have me, then no other earwig can? Surely that’s being a pest?”

 “I think that’s more stalker than pest madam.”

jessica“What if after meeting up off an Internet dating site, I then discover it was only using me for sex?”

“Then it would be a sexual predator madam…or desperate.”

jessica“Simon, you’re funny. Will you marry me?”

“No.”

jessica“Is that NO as in ‘not right now’, or NO as in, ‘I’ll think about it?”

“That’s NO, as in NO.””

jessica“Okay, I’m going to take that as a ‘I’ll think about it’. Simon?”

“Yes madam.”

jessica“I think I love you.”

 “Now you’re being a pest madam.”

Now that’s what I call customer service. Thank you Simon for being such a great sport but mostly for having a great sense of humour and a whole lot of patience. You made my day!

~Lily

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38 thoughts on “Simon And The Earwigs. (Another stroll down memory lane)

  1. Why can’t I have a Simon like that when I have to deal with customer service? I have the “I have drunk 15 cups of espresso coffee and I really want to sell you a bridge in Sydney” ones. Hope you feel better soon….

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  2. I’m tempted to give you my work number for when you’re really bored but calls are answered randomly and I wouldn’t want to let anyone else have all the fun.

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  3. Your encounter with customer service sounds like a lot more fun than any I’ve ever had. I think. Hard to tell, because I rarely encounter anyone who can, you know, actually speak English…

    I hope you get to feeling better real soon.

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    • Poor Simon was obviously specifically trained to handle crazy people. When I had a problem with my computer a couple of years ago, I rang customer service and the guy and I ended up talking about cheese for about an hour! Unfortunately, those guys are few on the ground.
      Worst customer service? T-Mobile. I think they deliberately pick the people with the thickest of accents, in the hopes that we quit complaining and hang up.

      Feeling better already. 🙂

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    • Thanks Kimberley. He truly was a marvelous sport and I think I fell in love with him a little because of it. Lord knows what the poor guy was thinking and I was tempted to ask for his details. It would have been wonderful to have had a post from his point of view.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am a bit late again its that kitchen, building a kitchen is a big job for a grumpy mad old bloke who is inherently lazy and gets distracted by stuff like cups of tea. I have read about the earwigs I’m sure but I cant remember what I said, but I have a feeling I did research. Yes those were the days when I checked my facts, now I just make it up and sound convincing. Anyway I am sure earwigs are or were or still are nice critters and fairly friendly beasts with a positive outlook on life the universe and so on. They always have a friendly smile and an happy scamper as they go about their business in the miniature world of insects. Some say they are the bus conductors of the insect world although to tell the truth the folk that say that are generally as mad as hatters.

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    • All I know Mr Z, is that they like to party in large groups and hang around long after it’s bedtime. Also, they have no regard for their hosts, barging in at all hours of the night and then refusing to leave. They are the hooligans of the insect world and should be served with ASBOS for their Juvenile behaviour.

      I hope we get to see a picture of this glass red kitchen once it’s finished and after all your hard work.

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  5. Earwigs, ugh!! Years ago, a house I was renting was infested with them, creepy crawlies! And they pinch too. Earwigs are not classified as pests?! Methinks Simon is secretly hiding a stash of earwigs for his own use LOL! He surely was a good sport though. Sex pest LOL!! Hope you’re feeling better, Lily! 🙂

    Btw, I love your conversations with Spawn!

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    • I wasn’t scared of them until the alien horde invaded. It was like something out of a horror movie.
      Hiding a stash for his own use? Eww, I know that everyone has their kinks but earwigs?! How they are not classed as pests I’ll never know, but I think I might now be on the list of things that are.

      If I can’t make Spawn look at me with disdain at least once a week with the crap that comes out of my mouth, then I have failed in my duties as a mother.

      Thanks Madilyn. Feeling much much better.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks D. I love that line, “what isn’t written is just as funny as what is.” Very Poetic. Poor Spawn. Most of the time he just looks at me and says, “you do know that I’m supposed to be the child?” Not sure what Simon is, but if he is burnt toast, then he’d be quite good as a shor-term boyfriend. I’m always hungry after sex, so we could do the horizontal boogie after which, I can then have a light snack…which would be Simon.

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  6. Earwigs! Take a number of flower pots. Fill with straw. Leave dotted around your gaff. Every morning take aforementioned pots of straw which will have earwigs hiding there and put straw in bin. Replace. Do this for a week and viola no earwigs. House looks like a potting shed or a barn for a while though. Hope this helps

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    • Mr D, Heehee, for a moment there, I actually thought you meant drinking straws. The earwigs were due to a certain plant/bush that the neighbour had in her garden, so her problems were much worse. In the end, we ended up putting bug powder INSIDE house. That did the trick until the offending flora was cut down. But thank you for the tip. I’d rather my house look like a barn than an insect colony.

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      • Well it worked on the dahlias in my garden so I guess it works elswhere. I gave up it though when I found two intruders in my garden. They claimed to be flowerpot men called Bill & Ben but apart from that I couldn’t understand a word they said. Sounded like ” Flubber lubba lubba fub” so I evicted them both along with some weedy girl dressed up like a dandelion.
        I hope you are feeling better

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        • That Bill and Ben are a bloody nuisance! They were obviously wasted, hence the “Flubber lubba lubba fub.” You need to take out an ASBO against the two of them and that floozy dandelion that hangs out with them. What a skank.

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  7. I know. All she could say was “Weeeeeeed”. Not sure if she’d wet herself or wanted some of the stuff I was smoking at the time! Irrespective of that I thought she was taking the piss so she got up rooted! Lives in Potters Bar now I’m told.

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    • Potters Bar you say? Well we all need to branch out sometime and set up new roots elsewhere. Maybe she had a problem with weed that stemmed from hanging out with a couple of pot heads. I’m sure she’s now got her feet planted firmly on the ground and will probably bloom now that she’s left them behind.

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