Spawn has been a little bit remote lately. Not as remote as I’d like, say Guadeloupe but there has definitely some distance between us in the last couple of days. Of course as a mother, the matter needed immediate attention. So after watching Britain’s Got Talent, talking on the phone for an hour, chatting to the neighbour and taking a 45 minute nap, I got straight onto the important business of finding out just what was going on with him.
The Talk
“Hey Spawn, can you come here a moment? I’d like to have a little word with you!”
“What is the reason for your interruption mother? I was busy contemplating how as humans, we define not only who we are but how the course of our lives are run by way of the choices that we make, largely due to external forces beyond our control. That existence offers no explanation or transcendant force and that it is this nothingness, that determines why we feel the need to find the meaning of life.”
“You were watching Teletubbies repeats.”
“Which is a social commentary on the prolonged deprivation of parental care, as well as how the withdrawal of such a secure attachment, can yield many complex issues which arise as a result of abandonment.”
“Well…moving swiftly on… I thought that we might have that chat. You know, the one that I was talking about a while ago.”
“Mother, we’ve been through all this already, I know how babies are born. You meet a man, fall in love and with the aid of alcohol and low self esteem, commence with the matter of coupling. What follows next is two minutes of pleasure, followed by a lifetime of bitterness and regret.”
“Ah, so you did pay attention? that’s good to know. I can’t wait to tell you all about the miracle that some call childbirth but which I call AGONY! Seriously, I didn’t know that anyone could experience so much pain and NOT die! But no, it’s not that talk. I’m referring to the other talk.”
“I’m not gay.”
Oh Spawn, denial is not just a river in the south of France you know, but no, it’s not that talk either. It’s just that, well…I’ve noticed that you don’t seem like your usual self lately.You seem somewhat… disconnected.”
“I do. I wrote a poem about it, called ‘Alone but always connected by a face of faceless people disconnected’. Wanna hear it?”
“Hell no! That crap sounds depressing.”
“See, this is the problem. You’re never interested in anything I do.”
” Aww honey, that’s not strictly true. It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just that I’m…well not interested.”
“There you go again. You never take me seriously.”
” Hahahaha, you’re so funny.”
“And you never listen.”
” Mmm? Oh sorry, what were you saying? I was just listening to the news.”
“You never seem to notice me anymore. It’s as if I’m invisible.”
“HOLY SHIT SPAWN!! I didn’t see you standing there! You almost scared me half to death!”
“Everything is always about you.”
“I know, I always use to feel that way when I was your age.”
“You’re constantly shouting at me for no reason…”
“HOW DARE YOU!? I TAKE UMBRAGE AT SUCH AN ACCUSATION AND I CATEGORICALLY REFUTE ALL YOUR SLANDEROUS ALLEGATIONS!”
“And you’re permanently angry.”
“WHY THAT MAKES ME SOOO MAD!!”
“You’re forever bossing me around. I’m not your slave you know.”
“That’s not true. Oh be a dear and go make me a cup of tea will you. Otherwise it’s 30 lashes of the whip for you.”
“SEE?! I ‘d be better off leaving with a group of feral chimps!” (skulks back to bedroom and slams the door)
“Well, I think that went quite well…OI SPAWN! WHERE’S MY BLOODY CUP OF TEA?!”
~Lily
The Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose 
I thought denial was in Egypt.
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No, Mr D, that’s the rivers of Babylon. I believe it’s where Boney M sat down and where they wept, til they remembered Zion.
Obviously this joke means nothing if nobody remembers Boney M or the song. Sometimes I’m just too surreal for my own good.
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Surely Bonaparte used a river close to Waterloo to wash away the taste of defeat and de armpits.
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LMAO! Now that joke I liked very much!
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DAMN am I meant to be doing jokes DAMN. . . . I hate doing jokes I am not a joke person, I bet the Lil man is not a joke person either. I am still trying to think of a river joke as I type, but quite frankly I think the whole idea is quite in Seine. . . . . . HAHAHAH HAha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ahah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahahah ah ah ahah ah ah ah ahah ah ah a ha
PHEW I saved that situation rather well ( WELL hah hahah ahah ah ha hah ah ahah ah hah ha) OK a well is not a river, but it is a big hole with water at the bottom of it. Talking of which I hope the Lil man knows that when he is involved in the act of making babies he will need to whisper interesting things in the ears of his partner such as . . . . Did you know that Frogs cant wink with their right eye. . . .
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LOL! Ah very good Mr Z. I can’t think of any more river jokes. I must be getting see Nile…
No, the Lil man is not a joke person. His sense of humour is more surreal, so he often moans about the jokes I tell. I’m just like, “whatever Lil man. Crimea River.” As for making babies, you know Sheldon and Amy from The Big Bang Theory? That’s the Lil man and whoever his future girlfriend/wife is.
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Thats Severn jokes about rivers so far.
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All these river jokes, I fear that I’m getting in too deep. Have Mersey on me Mr D.
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Amazon that none of them have been Volga!
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From my end, this is true. But not you Mr D, Water guy you are. I should seriously think about writing you a tributary as one of my he rows.
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can Spawn make me a cup of coffee as well?
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Hold on, I’ll just go and ask him…
*2 mnutes later*
He said would you like arsenic or cynide in your coffee? He must like you. I don’t get a choice, just asked if I want one lump or two.
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can I have both please? Sorry I have been a bit slow in responding… too many freaks to deal with
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Both?! Now that’s hardcore! Pretty much like the guy you wrote about…Ooh, mouth filling up with bile…
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hence why I need both!
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You Tees Delta lady. I’ll Dart home later, take a Wandle round the garden, go Forth and Loch myself away. Wye you may Usk. Cos this is doing my head in and I’m beginning to Ouse the will to live. Have a smashing day and enjoy your tea
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I know Mr D, these puns are Oroville. I know Missouri likes company, but I need to stay on the strait and narrow and not let this engulf me. Let’s put this current situation behind us. All this talk of rivers is now water under the bridge.
And a good day to you as well sir. 🙂
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HA! Not sure which I like the better: your post, or all the river puns in the comments…
Better watch out. In no time at all, Spawn will be hiding girlie magazines under his mattress… so he can read the terrific articles. 🙂
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Susan, those river puns were driving me in Seine…okay, I’ll stop now.
Spawn finds the female of the species slightly less revolting then having centipedes in his underpants, so I’m not sure that’s going to happen. However, I do find some of those articles fascinating.
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HA! Having raised a “Spawn” of my own I can really relate to this. Especially the stare down. I loved the where babies come from talk! LOL!
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Thank you Linda. Unfortunately, this is a true reflection of our relationship. I cannot tell you how many times my Spawn has asked to be put up for adoption.
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That talk certainly went well LOL!! Lily, I love the way you’d take what he said and make a joke out of it. Spawn’s replies were pretty priceless too! 🙂
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Madilyn, there was a time when he wished that he was adopted, but nowadays he doesn’t even bat an eyelid at the things I say. He can’t even be bothered to roll his eyes at me anymore, because “my silliness is not worth the migraine.” This just means that I must try harder in my efforts to annoy the hell out of him.
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Ah, offspring, the fruit of my loins. Unfortunately, they soured at an early age and have continued to become even less useful as they matured. However, nature has paid them back by giving each of them spawn of their own. We’ll see how they like the taste of that bitter fruit.
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I do love my womb-fruit, but sometimes I’m tempted to push him back from whence he came. But let us not forget that children are the gift that keeps on giving…they keep giving us headaches, nervous breakdowns, mental disorders, the lack of will to live, the need to drink…I think this list might take a while…
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Oh, wow, I laughed so hard, I had trouble breathing… frame-by-frame!! You and Belle are even funnier that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! Thanks for the belly laughs! 😀
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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler! Wow, that’s a HUGE compliment! Thank you, though I fear Fey and Poehler may be weeping with severe depression at the comparison.
I love Belle. She’s one of the few people that I can bounce off…I mean humour wise, not sexually…although for the right price…
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Your mother of the year award should arrive in 6-8 weeks. I hope they spell your name correctly! 🙂
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Hahaha! Thanks Andrea, I await my award in eager anticipation. I’m sure the presenters know how to be spell ‘useless skank’ correctly.
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