Dedicated to a woman I love more than cake. That’s a whole lotta love people.This is for you Ms Donna Maysack.
Cannibalistic Sheep And Mutilated Athletes. Part One.
Insomnia is nature’s way of telling you, “hey, let’s stay up all night and think of every stupid thing that you’ve done in your life.” Last night I sought in vain to find some peace of mind but ended up lying in bed for the best part of three hours with nothing but the most insignificant of thoughts running through my head.
By midnight, all intelligent thoughts and rational thinking had long since left the building and I spent what seemed like eons processing the most trivial of facts. I mean did you know that on average, we swallow 15 spiders a year when we sleep? Or that more people use blue toothbrushes instead of red? Or that a female ferret will die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate? (Damn, I know how the bitch feels) Now never let it be said that Incoherent Ramblings isn’t educational. By one o’clock, I thought to utilize my time in a more constructive way, namely by compiling a complete list of my favourite top five things. One such list included:
Top 5 sexy male cartoon characters I would totally do the nasty with-
4. Shaggy -There’s something about Fred that I just don’t trust. He may have the persona of the ‘boy next door’ but you can bet your life that somewhere walled up within the cavities of his basement, there is the body of a dead male prostitute, murdered after an evening of heavy drinking and copious amounts of narcotics abuse…just saying…
Two o’clock and I was still nowhere nearer to the ‘Land of Nod.’ I decided that maybe a little light refreshment was in order to help me drift safely off into slumber…One packet of salted Pretzels, followed by half a bag of peanut M&Ms, two French Fancies, a packet of Jelly Babies, a can of Pepsi (diet of course, I’m not a pig) and a bag of cheese flavoured nachos later and I was still no closer to reaching the destination of ‘Nod’.
After much tossing and turning and cursing the name of the bed manufacturers who appeared to have lined my mattress with rocks instead of coiled springs, I decided to opt for the old fashion method of counting sheep. All was going well until after the first hundred leaps and than the sheep begun to lose interest and refused to jump any further. It appeared that they preferred instead, to stop and graze on some grass that my overactive imagination, for aesthetic reasons, had chosen to conjure up. I removed the grass and placed it on the other side of the hurdle, thinking that this would encourage the flock to continue.
After about 30 minutes, the sheep became hungry but still they refused to jump. After an hour, they started to grow restless. After an hour and a half, they begun to turn feral. Overcome with extreme hunger and feeling utterly famished, they soon turned to cannibalism, gnawing nauseatingly away at each others sheep parts until there was nothing left but a sea of red, as entrails and intestines were strewn across my imagined field
Things weren’t looking too good.