Cannibalistic Sheep And Mutilated Athletes. Part One.

Dedicated to Ms Donna Maysack, a woman whom I love more than cake. That’s a whole lotta love people.

Cannibalistic Sheep And Mutilated Athletes. Part One.

Insomnia is nature’s way of saying, “hey, let’s stay up all night and recollect every dumb thing that you’ve done in your life.”Last night I sought in vain to find some peace of mind but ended up lying in bed for the best part of three hours, with nothing but the most insignificant of thoughts running through my head.

sleep3

 By midnight, all intelligent thoughts and rational thinking had long since become a thing of the past and I spent what seemed like eons processing the most trivial of facts. I mean did you know that on average, we swallow 15 spiders a year when we sleep? Or that more people use blue toothbrushes instead of red? Or that a female ferret will die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate? (Damn, I know how the bitch feels) Now never let it be said that Incoherent Ramblings isn’t educationalBy one o’clock, I  thought to utilize my time in a more constructive way, namely by compiling a complete list of my favourite top five things. One such list included:

Top 5 sexy male cartoon characters I would totally do the nasty with-

D&D1.The blond one out of Dungeons and Dragons – Marks out of 1? I’d give him one.

skeletor2. Skeletor -Have you seen the six pack on that guy? A paper bag over his skull like features and I would definitely do the horizontal boogie with him.

he-man3. He-Man – Because HE HAS THE POWER!!

shaggy4. Shaggy -There’s something about Fred that I just don’t trust. He may have the persona of the ‘boy next door’ but you can bet your life that somewhere lurking and walled up within the cavities of his basement, there is the body of a dead male prostitute, murdered after an evening of heavy drinking and copious  amounts of narcotics abuse…just saying…

caveman5. Captain Caveman…Don’t you judge me!

 Two o’clock and I was still nowhere nearer to the ‘Land of Nod.’ I decided that maybe a little light refreshment was in order to help me drift safely off into slumber…One packet of  salted Pretzels, followed by half a bag of peanut M&Ms, two French Fancies, a packet of Jelly Babies, a can of Pepsi (diet of course, I’m not a pig) and a bag of cheese flavoured nachos later and I was still no closer to reaching the destination of ‘Nod’.

After much tossing and turning and cursing the name of the bed manufacturers who appeared to have lined my mattress with rocks instead of coiled springs, I  decided to opt for the old fashion method of counting sheep. All was going well until after the first hundred leaps and than the sheep begun to lose interest and refused to jump any further. It appeared that they preferred instead, to stop and graze on some grass that my overactive imagination, for aesthetic reasons, had chosen to conjure up. I removed the grass and placed it on the other side of the hurdle, thinking that this would encourage the flock to continue.

It didn’t.
Over here you lazy bastards!

Over here you lazy bastards!

After about 30 minutes, the sheep became hungry but still they refused to jump. After an hour, they started to grow restless. After an hour and a half, they begun to turn feral. Overcome with extreme hunger and feeling utterly famished, they soon turned to cannibalism, gnawing nauseatingly away at each others sheep parts until there was nothing left but a sea of red, as entrails and intestines were strewn across my imagined field

Things weren’t looking too good.

End Of Part One…

~Lily

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14 thoughts on “Cannibalistic Sheep And Mutilated Athletes. Part One.

  1. It you were eating all those nibbles in bed then I suspect the bed will have turned into a scratchy place. Beds always get scratchy if you eat food in them and what is weird is the crumbs feel the size of boulders with points all over them, yet when you try and get rid of them you cant find them. The other interesting point is that it is only the foods that generate loads of crumbs that folk have any desire to eat in bed. . .

    As for sleep I would sleep through the apocalypse, lying on a bed full with an entire loafs worth of well done toast crumbs and a brass band playing songs from The Sound of Music while tap dancing on the furniture. I mean I sometimes have to sleep with a cat on my head sticking its claws into my face as a hint it wants food at 4.00 in the morning.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ah Mr Z, I get around the problem of crumbs in the bed by whipping out my faithful Electrolux 2000…at 2 in the morning. Fortunately, my neighbour is also an insomniac so she doesn’t mind at all.

      I could drive a high powered steam train around the Lil man’s room and he wouldn’t wake up. Yet when it comes to morning, it’s like raising the dead. In fact invoking the dark art of necromancy would be a lot simpler.

      Talking of cats, my Speedy Tomato (yes, that was his name) used to sleep on my chest and would soothe me to sleep by licking just below my neck with his sandpaper-like tongue…ok, that sounds weird even to me. Sadly, he is no longer with us and so sleep eludes me.

      Liked by 1 person

        • Mr Z, my first cat hated the vacuum cleaner. As soon as it was switched on, he’d run to his hiding place which was under my older sister’s bed. And I mean directly underneath her bed. Remember back in the days, beds used to have a sort of black covering underneath that would sometimes rip? No? Well Tabby would hide inside there and we could never get him out. If we tried by hand, we would be clawed to pieces. So as kids, my brother came up with an ingenious plan to remove the moggie from possible suffocation (or so we thought) by pricking it’s bottom with a small pin, whereby it would come shooting out and into the relative safety of our awaiting arms. Can’t think why it ran away a short time later…

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  2. Crikey girl. It that what insomnia does to your head? PIL doesnt count sheep. She imagines winning various amounts of money on the lottery and then spends it. She can account for every penny irrespective of the amount. I think i get the shrapnel! You should try it.
    I agree with Mr Tobor. Eating in bed turns it into a gravel pit making sleep impossible. Just to make you feel bad, I too can sleep through a world war and nod off in the blink of an eye. Bit of a pain when I’m working though. How do you get through the day with so little sleep?

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    • Mr D, unfortunately I’m one of those rare women who hates shopping. To imagine that would be like a living nightmare! I do like a bargain however, so I could probably just imaging myself rummaging through the bargain rails and going “ooh, surely that doesn’t really cost £3!

      My mum drives me nuts. She too can fall asleep in a blink of an eye. She’ll be halfway through a conversation and then just decide to take a nap. And she can sleep ANYWHERE. In the car, on the bus, under the steam dryer at the hairdressers, on shelves, radiators, computers, window ledges…ok, I may be exaggerating ever so slightly.

      I honestly don’t know how I get through the day. I’ve been an insomniac since the age of 11 so I guess I’m used to functioning on 30 minutes (the least) or an hour and a half (the most amount of unbroken sleep) hours of sleep. At the moment, I haven’t slept for 2 days, so I’m waiting for hysteria to kick in. That should be fun.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t have too many worries about insomnia any more unless I need to be driving a long distance the neXt day, which tends to be a rather rare occasion any more. I just finished reading Steve Martin’s autobiography of his early years up to the end of his stand-up comedy era. I saw him live at college just as he was quitting, I was just starting to learn humor as I left home. It is titled ‘Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life’.

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    • Mr E, it’s nice to know that insomnia isn’t something you lose sleep over…
      That must have been quite something to see Steve Martin live. The first thing I ever saw him in as a child, was The Man with Two Brains and I thought it was the funniest movie that I had ever watched. As funny as he was on screen, his stand up was sublime.

      Well your lesson on humour was well learned. Yours is a subtle surreal humour that comes out of nowhere and that’s what makes you even funnier.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Jessica Rabbit – come on how many guys can’t deny she’s up the top there!! Just look at the curves… sorry all misty eyed there
    Mrs Incredible – so cute…
    Betty Rubble – she clearly has low standards so I’m in with a shout
    Daphne from Scooby Doo – she must have realised Fred is just surpressing his true self by now
    and
    Penelope Pitstop – gotta love a posh bird

    Liked by 2 people

    • I commend you on your choices.
      Jessica Rabbit-that goes without saying. I mean, I definitely would.
      Mrs Incredible-Cute? You mean it has nothing to do with the fact that the woman is so flexible, she could turn herself into a human pretzel?
      Betty Rubble-Why do I get the sense that once the lights are out, out comes the whips and leather?
      Daphne-Well they do say that love is blind.
      Penelope Pitstop-what was she doing hanging around all those men with their powerful engines?

      Liked by 2 people

      • You, me and Jessica Rabbit – now there’s a film sequel itching to be made.
        Well let’s just say Mrs Incredible would be able to hold my attention… and anything else she could stretch to 😉
        You’re so right – Betty is clearly a dominatrix on the quiet
        Swoon… Daphne when will she realise he looks more in the mirror than at her
        Penelope just likes a bit of rough mechanic

        Liked by 1 person

        • What a session that would be, you, me and Ms Rabbit. And by session, I mean counselling session…
          Let’s examine these women closely shall we? No, not like that!
          Time alone with Mrs Incredible, and having seen her stretch, I now know where she gets that title from, would need the aid of a chiropractor to help deal with all the dislocations and out of alignment body parts that might occur afterwards.
          When it comes to Betty, the important question you have to ask yourself is, does this gimp suit make my bum look big?
          Daphne is obviously the type that goes for men that are unobtainable. She knows that Fred loves men as much as he loves himself, and the challenge of this pursuit, is what keeps her coming back for more.
          As for Ms Pitstop, we need to find the reasons why she feels the need to surround herself with various men, many of them much older then herself. Daddy issues perhaps? Either that, or she’s just a complete ho-bag.

          Liked by 1 person

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