Alcohol can not only have a profound affect upon the individual but it can also be detrimental for those around them. Part Two

*To the person who emailed me with concerns that I was making light of the problem of alcoholism: Now anyone who knows me will tell you about my struggles with several addictions over the years, of which alcohol is one. I have fought very hard to overcome my demons and I still bear the physical scars of that struggles. (quite literally but proudly, as a mark that I survived my ordeals and they were ordeals) I could go the serious route in writing about my past with alcohol, but this is a comedy blog and I choose to recount my story thusly. If it offends, please feel free to unfollow. But go with love in your heart and peace in your soul*.

Madam, your baby looks like Gollum Part Two.

I continued to drink until I met Chris, my first proper boyfriend. Here was a boy so beautiful and so stunning, that he could have only been fashioned from the loins of the gods and goddesses themselves. His hair the colour of ebony had obviously been woven from the threads of the midnight sky and spun into being by magical silkworms. And his body, so strong and so virile, carved from the  marble pillars that adorned the chambers of an Elysium. Being the romantic sort, Chris offered that we go for a picnic. This was of course back in the days when picnics were a viable method of getting to know one other, long before opened mouthed kissing with random strangers on the dance floor of some innocuous night club, followed by a drink laced with rohypnol, became the preferred approach for meeting the love of one’s life.

At the park, the wind whispered through the autumnal leaves as we sat shading ourselves beneath the shadow of an old elm tree,  when suddenly I was overcome by a wave of nausea. I had been out drinking heavily with friends the night before and the effects of my alcohol induced binge was staring to take it’s toll.

As I sat there gazing into the eyes of perfection, I could only marvel in awe, at this being who had once been cradled in the lap of the gods. For a moment, all was still. This was it. The air hung humidly around us as Chris leaned forward to plant a kiss so potent, that all the surrounding women in the park immediately fell pregnant. And as I too leaned in, longing to taste the sweet nectar of his lips…I vomited…in his mouth. That’s when I realised that I had a serious problem with alcohol, the problem being that it wouldn’t stay in my bloody stomach.

Over the coming years, drink continued to be my undoing. 

 One year the object of my crush invited me to his place for a night of passion. A night that culminated in me talking to the radiator, whilst insulting the feet of my host. (“Oh my god, they look like hands”) A night that ended when I drank a whole bottle of peach schnapps, (though he did manage to have at least one glass) before passing out like a hobo in his bedroom

And that wasn’t the end of it. I also puked on an ex whilst in the ‘on top’ coital position, wrestled a grown arsed man under the table in a pub and told a woman that her toddler looked like Gollum. Well it did!

 The final straw for me, came when I accused my gay pal of trying to molest me as I laid sprawled out across the living room carpet, eyes closed.
Me drunkenly: Will you stop trying to cop a feel.

Lola, with speech slurred: I’m not touching you.

Me trying to stop the room from spinning like a Ferris wheel: Yes you are, I can feel your clammy hands… eww, why are your hands so clammy? Perv.

Lola through gritted teeth: I am not bloody touching you.

Me through my drunken haze: Jesus Lola will you just stop!

Lola as if talking to the village idiot: Listen carefully Lil, I am not touching you. In fact,  I am not even sitting anywhere near to you. I am remote, separated by space, far removed, out of shot, at a distance, over the bloody moon, anywhere except near you!



Me in a sudden moment of clarity and awe: With the power of your mind. (This part was whispered in wonderment)

Lola realising that I had become mentally unstable: What the fuck?!

Me having a sudden epiphany: Oh my god, you’re trying to mind rape me.

Lola, eyes now glowing with rage..maybe…I’m not sure as my own where closed. But I could feel the heat of her stare, therefore it stands to reason that they would be glowing…doesn’t it?: OK, obviously you didn’t hear me the the first time around when I said, WHAT THE FUCK??

Me, suddenly realising the dark truth: Oh I see it clearly now. All the time I thought we were best friends and all the time you just wanted me for my body…STOP MIND RAPING ME GODDAMMIT!!

Lola in resignation: I’m going home.

Me: Oh god, I can feel it, your imaginary hands roaming all over my body. Why Lola why?

Lola: Goodbye (Door slams as Lola exits)


 Luckily there is nothing stronger than then the bonds of friendship and that particular episode proved irrevocably, that that was nothing like the bonds of friendship. After that night, I did give up drinking..and instead developed a heroine addiction instead. But that’s another story for another day and I’ve bored you all enough with this one already. Lola and I are still friends and so is the bloke whose feet I verbally abused

I contacted Chris via Facebook a couple of years ago and was promptly blocked. Obviously the man is still traumatised by my mouth to mouth regurgitation, thus proving that alcohol can not only have a profound affect upon the individual but can also be detrimental for those around them.


26 thoughts on “Alcohol can not only have a profound affect upon the individual but it can also be detrimental for those around them. Part Two

  1. This is what I love about you, your ability to laugh at life, the good, the bad, and the vomit. Not only to laugh about it but to share those moments, real and imagined, in ways that make us laugh too.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Frank, I did all my crying, therapies and self reflection years ago. The bad stuff that happened are still bad and will always stay with me, but I am no longer that person. Different people move on at different rates and no one truly gets over it. But I’m now at the stage where I can look back and laugh at my ridiculous behaviour…well, the parts that I can recall.


  2. I’m with Monkey Boy on this girlie. You have been through the mill several times and yet, despite all of that, you have bounced back, shared your demons and made us all laugh whilst doing so. I hope that when you write you smile and laugh as the memories come back to you. I know I do. You really do need to at least write a book or better still write a script. Have a lovely day

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks Mr D. If I had to document a list of my past troubles, I’d also have to offer a free counselling service to everyone.
      Surprisingly, I hardly laugh at the stuff that I write. I might read them back a couple of years later and have a chuckle, but that’s just because I’m never happy with what I write or the way it’s written. I did begin writing a book, but I doubt whether I’ll have the confidence to get it published.


      • I think you are an incredibly brave woman. Remember our conversations regarding some of your fears but you faced up to them all. I have had my share of awful times but even now I find it impossible to talk about them and I admire you for your ability to talk about your demons. And bloody well done on the smoking front. 14 weeks! Excellent

        Liked by 1 person

        • Aww, thank you Mr D. I sincerely mean that. I guess that self-reflection and TONS of therapy have helped me to come to terms with quite a few things. When I was studying to become a therapist, one of the main tasks was to self-reflect on the issues in one’s past and present, because as a counsellor, how else are you able to help others if you can’t help yourself? A lot of people dropped out because they could not come to terms with certain things that had happened in their lives. But that’s human nature. Who wants to remember the bad shit? Through self-reflection, I learned to mourn my former self and all the crud that I had been through, which in turn, helped me to move forward. It wasn’t easy and there were a lot of tears…a LOT of tears and I still have my bad days. But it was either that or be held ransom by the past. For some, the only way to cope is to bury it deep or not talk about it. But your awareness that that is what you’re doing, also means that you’re aware that at some point, you will face up to them. Okay, gonna take my therapist’s hat off now.

          Thanks! 🙂 I’m not enjoying this new sense of smell though. I can smell Spawn from a mile away and recently realised that the bloke I fancied, smelled like feet. I no longer fancy said bloke.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. I just recently started dwinking on a regular basis, so I would caLL it amateur-found rather than profound. If my production of beer is a success then I might try to reglassify myself as pr00found. Maybe at about 85 proof.


    • Haha! I love the way you say that like it’s a new hobby Mr E.
      I remember the days when I was 100 proof. People couldn’t light up a cigarette whilst standing beside me, in case I went up in flames.
      I even had the fire services on standby wherever I went.


      • It IS a new hooby! I got the eQuipment for my birthday present. There is a piece of lab equipment I would like to order. I think I am going to do a batch of hard cider neXt.


        • I had a friend who used to brew her own cider. It was like a cross between vinegar and cat pee, with some moldy apples thrown in for good measure. We still drank the lot though. It might also account for the hairs on my chest cos that stuff was STRONG.


      • I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable talking/replying back about anything concerning your chest. But then I thought, maybe she is talking about a piece of furniture.


        • Mr E, maybe it’s an English expression that something that is potent, puts hairs on your chest. Although Spawn does shed like a house pet, so I do have hairs on my chest…and this time, I do mean as in furniture.


  4. It’s great that you can laugh about those experiences… and allow us in to laugh with you. On the serious side, alcohol in moderation can make fun times with friends even more fun, but in excess, not so much. My father was a very mean drunk, and did terrible things when under the influence. Things which he “couldn’t remember”… too bad my mother and I never had that luxury.

    Enough seriousness! Good post, kiddo.


    • Susan, the first time I had a good time without alcohol, was a revelation. I didn’t know that such a thing existed.
      But then, when you’re drinking non stop, the good times become bad times.
      And I understand completely about the perils of having a dad that drunk and the hideousness that came with it. I may have adopted his habit, but I came out of it a much better person then him and my mother a much stronger woman.

      Thanks Susan. And thank you SO MUCH for sharing that.


  5. It is good that you have forsaken all these unhealthy vices such as alcohol Miss Lily and are now a healthy veggie burger eating and cocoa drinking person it is easy to have a good time free from the additional side effects of other things. They are not the road to happiness. . . . . . I sound like one of these mad street preachers now. . . . . Raise your hands to the Seagulls. . . .

    OOooo sorry wrong religion.

    Anyway keep up the good work the Lil man will be proud. And it is good that your friend Lola is still a friend (Weirdly I remember that conversation . . . . NO I am not Lola) . . . Was she a singing in a bar somewhere? I’m sure according to the Peroxide Parrot . . .What’s his name . . . . she was, maybe in Cocoa Cabana. . . . rather ironic considering the new healthy diet.

    Praise the Lord and point at the seagulls

    Praise the Seagulls

    AH DAMN wrong religion again


    • Thanks Mr Z.
      The trouble with me Mr Z, is that I have an addictive personality. I immerse myself fully in things that feel/look/taste good and then when I’ve had enough, realise it’s time to stop. *raises hands to the Seagulls in praise and gratitude*

      Unfortunately, the Lil man also has an addictive personality, *throws rocks at Seagulls in disappointment* and I never want him to experience the things that I went through and that includes my last vice, smoking. (it’s been 14 weeks now. Yaay me!)

      Lola, she was a showgirl don’t you know, and I still laugh about that night. I don’t remember much from that night, but I remember every word of that particular conversation. Oh the same. *praises the Lord that made the Seagulls and points at nothing in particular*


  6. Ah yes…he may have blocked you, but he will never forget you. Leave a lasting impression, always. Even if it’s a vomitous one.


    • The worse part was that I didn’t even apologise. I just sat there and said ‘Oh’ as the poor man tried to retch up the contents of mine and his stomach! I’m guessing that long term therapy featured very heavily in his later life. But you know what they say, ‘sharing is caring.’


    • Graham, that’s the beauty of talking to people with shared experiences, the ability to laugh about it. It means we’ve survived and come out the other end. And although it will always be a part of us, it’s no longer what defines us. I’m guessing this guy is not quite at that stage yet.


  7. If we can’t laugh about this stuff, we haven’t learned anything.

    I lost count of all the vehicles out of which I have vomited (usually while said vehicle was moving).


    • Agree with you 100% Mich. It ain’t bloody easy to get over shit that happens, but if we don’t try, then what’s the alternative? I’ve seen the other side and there’s no way that I want to go back to it.

      Oh Oh Oh! I was in the car behind when a friend in the car in front did that. Windblown vomit is a most majestic sight indeed.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Love the poetic way you describe Chris, a boy with hair “spun into being by magical silkworms.” Despite what happened with the vomit kiss, you were both young and I think it’s too bad he didn’t get over it and blocked you on FB. I once tried to friend an old boyfriend on FB (just friendship for old times’ sake as I messaged him) and got back a four-word terse reply, “no way, go away.” I broke his heart when I left him for a musician but that was over two decades ago and he went on to be happily married with five kids. Oh well, some people never get over things. Btw, I’ve definitely seen babies that look like Gollum!!

    Lily, it takes real inner strength to face one’s demons (and seriously we all have them in one form or another). I can understand the humor and the pathos in the perils that followed when you drank too much. Been there in different circumstances!! About Lola and the mind rape, I really had to laugh, in a way it was so funny, but good for you for recognizing afterwards that it was time to quit drinking. Even though another addiction followed, it seems to me that was the start of recognition. You did face your demons, went through it all, and that took real guts!! Glad you and Lola remained friends and you’re right, nothing can break the bonds of true friendship. I am truly so proud of you, overcoming all that was no easy feat!! Although I haven’t had a drug addiction myself, both alcohol and drug addictions have been around me and in my family, and I’ve seen the struggles.

    I just want to add that I am sorry someone misunderstood your good-natured humor and thought you were making light of a real problem. I never saw it that way. It’s my opinion that the general nonsense of political correctness and oversensitivity to everything and anything sometimes goes just too far. Of course we shouldn’t make fun of real problems but that is certainly Not what was going on here! Humor is OK, in fact comic relief can be a good thing, and if he or she waited to read part two, it would have been obvious the point you were making. Besides, as you so aptly pointed out, this is a comedy blog. I love what you write! Sending love and hugs to you, Lily!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Chris really was a thing of beauty. Jet black hair and the fullest lips you’ve ever seen. Our babies would have had lips like those Lilo blow up beds. Obviously the guy who gave you a terse reply, still isn’t over you. Why be so horrible after so many years? Especially if you’re now married with kids…though notice how I didn’t say ‘happily’ married with kids?

      Heehee, I LOVE Gollum, but I wouldn’t wanna give birth to one. Can you imagine when you had over it’s pacifier… “ahh, my precious.” That crap would be freak me out!

      As for Lola, that is exactly how our conversation went. I really did believe that she was trying to seduce me. But I do remember opening my eyes and noticing that she was on the far side of the room. That’s when I came to the conclusion that she was doing it via the POWER OF HER MIND! But it is great that we can still laugh about it. The drug comment was a bit of an in joke, as I had overcome that particular demon some years before the drinking.

      You’re quite right about political correctness and oversensitivity. People’s sensibilities are so fragile nowadays. I find nothing wrong with sharing my experiences in a comic way, after all, they are my experiences, but I would never poke fun at someone’s else’s.

      Accepting love and hugs whole heartedly! Those two things are a bit low on the ground these days, so thank you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I am guessing there is only a slight chance that your “heroine” addiction was an obsession with female superheroes (who would obviously defend you against future mind rapings)?


    • Oh the shame of that night Andrea. My poor friend had just come out of the proverbial closet and I almost drove her back into it. In fact, she was so far in the closet, that when she came out, she found herself in Narnia. If that was me on alcohol, can you imagine the hell I was on drugs?!


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