As I continue to delve into the dark and murky crypt that is the archives, I bring you a tale of debauchery and sin. A story of such grave magnitude that one cannot help but be disgusted by such wantonness and lasciviousness…OK, It’s just a story of me being drunk. But there is a little bit of debauchery in there…honest…now would I lie to you? Yeah you’re right, I would. Anyway, this is the true tale of…well, read for yourself…
The time I tried to bring sexy back…and failed.
I can still clearly recall the events surrounding my first drunken moments, the images vivid as they settle like fresh stains upon my memory.
It was a blazing summer, the hottest it had been for a while. I was in my teens and for the first occasion in my life, I found myself no longer bound by the parental restraints of any time restrictions that had been previously placed upon the clock. Buoyed by my new sense of freedom, my big sis and I, accompanied by a couple of friends, attended to a party being thrown by my cousin.
As the night wore on, the drinks flowed, the lights dimmed and before long, I found myself in a corner of the living room attempting to ‘bring sexy back.’ My venture to dirty dance was hampered somewhat by a boy who seemed to possess the limbs of an octopus and whom also appeared to have a third leg residing somewhere within his trouser region. Meanwhile my best friend Julia,who was now in a near state of inebriation and who had also, it would seemed, lost all use of her fine motor skills, had hit upon the cunning idea of dancing atop a bench with uneven legs. (That’s the bench with uneven legs, not Julia)
With all the flair of a dancing wildebeest, Julia proceeded to flash her knickers intermittently at the boys who initially, had gathered to see if the fat girl would bounce if she fell off the worktop. Their curiosity however, was soon replaced by the unabiding question as to whether Julia was a natural red head or not. Wagers were made as enthusiastic eyes waited for confirmation, they didn’t have to wait long. One swift turn, a swish of skirt and a quick flash of lacy see-through undies and all was revealed…quite literally. For those who had been correct in their gamble of ‘natural’, the spoils of £20 was awarded as they emerged victorious…and feeling a little queasy.
Julia also attempting to bring sexy back…and murdering it ruthlessly in the process.
By 3:00 am, the party was beginning to wind down whilst I, was starting to feel a tad green around the gills. My uncle had offered to drive myself and my companions home and despite my protestations that I didn’t want to get in the “sodding car”, my pleas went unheard. With my head resting in a drunken stupor upon my sister’s lap and my stomach seemingly performing an array of back flips and somersaults, I groaned aloud as my bastard uncle, not only seem to go out of his way to drive along every pot hole and speed bump that he encountered but it appeared as though he was hell bent on only driving down roads where the singular requirement was to execute a sharp right at EVERY fucking turn. I remember staring down at my sister’s shoes, anything to distract from the feeling that my insides were trying to escape the confines of my stomach. Big sis, (who is the size of an Oompa Loompa but smaller) was daintily shod in a pair of two toned black and red stilettos that had cost her a pretty penny. Except that by the time we had exited the car, they had taken on a beige hue with an encrusted carrot finish.
Once safely home, I trudge wearily over to the bunk bed, heaving my hefty arse onto the top, whilst Julia slumping unceremoniously, took the bottom bunk. Having been deep in slumber, I awoke to the sound of my name being called and a lone voice, somewhere in the darkness, asking if I was OK.
Peering over the side of the bed, Julia’s hair seem to glow like a Belisha Beacon in the moonlight as she looked up a me, a note of concern etched across her freckled face.
I nodded slightly and opened my mouth to assure her that all was well…and then promptly threw up in her face. Not only that but later on, I found out that the guy with the wandering hands and the protuberance in his trousers, the same guy whom I had been ‘sexing up’ on the dance floor, was in fact my cousin. I vowed there and then to give up drinking forever. I lied.
*Stay tuned for part two where I actually vomit on people some more. I know, I am ONE classy lady.