Alien Corruption

*Following the A-Z Challenge and before I resume the usual business of  my life on ‘Incoherent Ramblings’, I have been asked by a couple of readers to post the origins of Commander OO-E-wallawallabingbang and subsequently, Lily’s alien abduction. It is not a pretty tale, but you asked for. Also, towards the middle of the story, the spacing of pictures and texts gets a bit off and I can’t do anything to rectify the issue, so apologies.*

It was on a moonlit lit night much like tonight, that this tongue twister of a story began.

The sky, a canopy of darkness, hung obsidian, as though someone had stowed a covering of blanket over it’s dark entirety… though not one of those tartan blankets that you keep perched on the back of your sofa, or in the boot of your car for those sitting on wet grass moments. It was more like those nice fleece throw-overs, you know, the ones that you get from IKEA. Anyway, it was black.

 

Low in spirit and even lower in want of a proper analogy, I decided to wander out onto the fields to clear my head and collect my thoughts…which now that I come to think of it, makes absolutely no bloody sense. As I trudge dejectedly upon my path pondering the conundrum of why I was trying to clear my head only to simultaneously fill it up by collecting thoughts, I did spy a light. Faintly at first, it seemed to pulse in the dimness of the partial absence of the moon’s glow, (which is just a cocky way to say darkness) before then taking on a more solid form.

Bathed within the beam’s light, which now hovered above my quaking body, I became all too aware of a shift in my anatomy as I felt myself becoming weightless, which was no small feat considering that 10 minutes before, I had consumed my whole entire body weight in fast food and chocolate eclairs. Long story short, I was beamed upon an alien spaceship and held captive for what felt like eons. Here is my sorry tale.

 

Lying upon what appeared to be an operating table, I opened my eyes only for my confused gaze to be met by a sea of shadowy forms. Looking around, I could see clearly that each one was a different hue of grey, in fact there were Fifty Shades Of Grey…what?? So there I lay, scared as hell until…

 

“Hmmmm, specimen appears to be a human and female…”

“Oi, what the bloody hell do you mean ‘appears to be?'”

“Note the usual characteristics of the human form, two legs, two arms, torso, though this one appears to have a rather sizable rump…”

 “Oh no you didant!” *Turns to alien on the left*” “Did he just say that I had a fat arse? And for your information, it’s big boned, not fat.”

“Well my dear, then you must have some very big bones indeed.”

“Okay, let us prepare to extract the DNA.”

Er, extract the what now??

“The DNA. I’m sorry, allow me introduce myself and to offer you an explanation. I am High Commander OO-E-wallawallabingbang and I am from the planet ‘STEVE’. We are here simply to extract some DNA samples from you as an analysis of body identification, after which we will then purify it away from the proteins and other cellular contaminants. So if you don’t mind, first we will need to gather some cells from your internal cavity…”

“You want to do what with my cavity? Hey squinty, no-one goes anywhere near my cavity…not unless they buy me dinner first.”

*Ignoring me because every other bastard does* “Very good Captain Bowchiccabowbow, prepare to extract the DNA samples.”

“By extraction, do you mean…wait! What? Oh my shit! Are you going to anally probe me?!”

 “We no longer use anal probing as a viable method of extraction. We found that it was far too intrusive, thereby causing untold mental trauma to the test subjects. It is not our intention to bring harm to humankind, only to study them.”

“So you’re NOT going to probe me?”

“No. We are now able to collect vital data by way of the latest technology we have created, an appliance that scans the whole body, very much like your human MMRI machine”.

“Bastards!”

“Excuse me??”

“Isn’t there like, some kind of fundamental constitutional rights that says that I am entitled to a full anal probing? Or even an alien charter that deals with the care of the patient?”

“Yes but this isn’t a hospital and you are not a…”

” For feck sake! I mean that surely in the best interest of good patient care, I have the right to determine the output of how I want my treatment to proceed.”

“Yes of course but like I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted by your potty mouth, this is not a hospital and you are not a patient, merely a test subject.”

“What if I demand to be subjected to an anal probe?”

*The faint mutterings of “what the fuck,” “dirty ho-bag” and “obviously somebody’s not getting any,” could be heard reverberating around the stainless steel of my enclosure*.

“This is most highly irregular. I must insist that…”

“If you want a sample of my DNA, then you’re going to have to obtain it in the good old fashioned way.”

“Really, I cannot condone such a…”

“NOW!!”

“Very well human, if you insist. Chief Shakalakaboomboom, take care of the subject.”

“Ooh, okay then. Alright my lovely, would you like a nice cup of tea hmmmm? We’ve got some nice Darjeeling? How about some Green Tea hmmmm? It’s contains antioxidants don’t you know, which are supposed to be good for you. Ooh, I know, how about a lovely raspberry…”

“Not like that you fool!! When I said take care of the subject, I meant *sighs deeply*…oh never mind. Captain ChakaKhanChakaKhan, prepare the anal probe.”

“I see dead people.”

“OH FOR THE LOVE OF…Will somebody just prepare the probe!!

“Erm…haven’t you got anything a little larger?”

“Urgh” *shudders* “I feel violated. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the shower scrubbing myself with bleach and carbolic acid.”

Next time, I will tell you all about my sexual escapades with a transgender Yeti named Bob, whom I met whilst on my way to the dentist.

~Lily