Follow the trials and tribulations of Lily, a beautiful young woman and the love of her life, Guido an Italian circus midget. Every word of this tale is true, apart from those which are not, which amounts to around 99.99.5% of the story, so er…none of it then…
“Urm, I’m pretty sure that no one wants to really hear the details of how we both met, Chief OO-E Wallawallabingbang. Heehee, (laughs nervously) I mean it’s just such a boring tale”.
“We met when the crew and I, selected this female for research purposes.”
“You mean when you abducted me.”
“We’re aliens my dear. It’s in our job description. Anyway, once we had captured our test subject, it was obvious that we were in for a difficult time. To say that she was not the most cooperative of captives, would be an understatement.”
“And who can blame her! I’ve heard what your kind do in the name of scientific research. Who here would willingly want to be strapped down to allow someone to anally probe them?”
“Well I don’t know…”
“See, no one!
“Actually Little Man Tate, we no longer use anal probing as a viable method of extracting DNA. A fact that this woman (looks disgustingly at Lily) seemed to take umbrage with.”
“You mean she wanted you to…
“In fact, she INSISTED upon it.”
“Lucky bitch! Err…I meant disgusting!”
“What? I wanted to have an understanding of the full alien abduction experience. How is Commander ChakakhanChakakhan by the way?”
“Well my dear Julia, it is time for us to depart this planet. Besides, your mother Ramalamadingdong misses you very much.”
“WAIT! I have to know. What is life like on your home planet?”
“Dude, is this chapter not long enough? Let’s end it already!”
“Why mini-me, it is beautiful. The trees glisten with the magical twinkle of it’s silver leaves. The sky is hued a shade of purple that frames the planet like a beautiful landscape and the rivers run with the delicate aroma of blossoms and the taste of the green one that you get from a bag of skittles. It truly is a wondrous. Plus our women aren’t quite as skanky as your Earth bound ones”.
“Huh! Looking at you, it’s no wonder.”
“TAKE ME WITH YOU!”
“Didn’t see that coming…oh yeah, I did. So predictable.”
“So…they DON’T do anal probings anymore?”
“Then I’ll stay here thanks.”
“But Guido, after all we’ve been through!”
“Lily, remember when I said that I needed something more? Well this could be it. Life among the stars. A chance to experience something new, something that no on else, except the few hundred millions of abductees each year, have ever experienced. Come with me. Let’s us make this journey together.
“But why Lily? Why not? Is our love not enough for you to take a chance?”
“She can’t go because the planet has issued an embargo on her sorry arse. In fact, she has a restraining order not to go within 5 feet of any planet in the Galaxy 666 quadrant”.
“My love, I would follow you anywhere…if it didn’t mean breaking the terms of my restraining order and risking a huge fine and possibly jail time. You go my Oompa Loompa of love, for I do not want to be the one that stops you from being all that you can be.”
“Okay, enough of the existential horse crap! Let us be on our way.”
“Farewell my beautiful Lily.”
“Farewell my little love nugget.”
And as Lily watched a beam of light take away the only man that she had ever loved, the rest of the crowd dispersed, leaving her once again, as she had been before Guido and life with the circus. Alone and lost. With her head bowed in sadness and the tears of grief steadily trickling down her face, it was then that she suddenly remembered…
“OI, YOU BASTARDS! I’M STILL TIED TO THIS BLOODY CHAIR!!”
And thus concludes our story of a beautiful young woman and her love for Guido, the Italian circus midget.