My Heart Is A Fat Bastard.

Procrastination is such a long word and seems even longer when your spell check isn’t working.
It’s a word that describes perfectly the way that I feel at the moment, for I am procrastinating.
I don’t want to write anymore. I am weak and lethargic. (also another word which seems long without spell check)
I truly feel as if I have lost the will to carry on through life and I see no reason for existing at all. My faith in humanity and all things good, has suddenly evaporated.

 The reason for my lack of fortitude? My doctor has placed me on a low fat diet.
This has left me feeling a little blue lately. ‘Little blue’ isn’t too happy about this and keeps screaming something about sexual harassment.
Last week, my doctor told me that I had high cholesterol and now I have to go on a low fat diet. Stupid cholesterol. I’m a vegetarian for god’s sake, there is no fat in my diet…or minerals…or vitamins…or calcium…or anything else of nutritional value whatsoever. I get all the healthy goodness that my body needs, from eating what he calls, the ‘wrong’ type of foods.
I mean, how can chocolate be wrong? (Calcium) Or crisps? (Carbohydrates) Or those lovely chewy fruit pastilles sweets that come in a variety of fruity flavours? ( 5 a day)

The reason for the diet…such an evil word, isn’t because I’m fat, I think that we’ve already established in earlier posts that I am just big boned but it’s because some fatty tissue is building up around my heart.
The heart is non to pleased with this fact and keeps asking fatty tissue to go build somewhere else. Fatty tissue is adamant about staying put and is now threatening to start construction around my arse if it has to move on. I have told fatty tissue to stay exactly where it is.

The Spawn is spitting feathers at the idea of being put on a healthy eating plan and no, I don’t know why he was eating feathers in the first place either.
I have assured him in my most motherly fashion that if I have to suffer, then so shall he.
The problem is, that with all the goodies now out of the house, we’ve both become akin to a couple of junkies, running around in search of any remnants of food left over that may contain copious amounts of sugar.

Two days ago, we both remembered that there was one place left unchecked, that still contained the last remaining tasty treat in the entire house. On beating him, quite literally, to the kitchen, no seriously, I had to really use my fist to beat that child off, I was able to claw my way to the freezer to claim my spoils of war… the last ice-cream cone. And as I held it aloft like a flaming beacon of hope shouting, “YES! VICTORY IS MINE!!” I couldn’t help but notice the look of defeat appear upon his face, his shoulders slumped forward, completely demoralized and with all signs of expectancy gone from his tearful eyes.

As he looked at me, hunger clearly etched upon his delicate features, I felt a sudden sense of guilt. I had to end this madness immediately. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I had just stood there, slowly and lasciviously eating an ice-cream cone, while my poor hungry baby stood by and watched. It would be cruel and heartless to prolong his agony in this way…so I quickly scoffed the lot…well you know what they say, out of sight out of mind.

 Today I cheated and bought myself a packet of crisps, hiding them away under my pillow in readiness for a  midnight snack.
But Spawn is like a police tracker dog sniffing out crack when it comes to crisps.
So as the clock struck twelve, I reached out for my tasty treat, gleefully opening the packet as the light of desire shone brightly from my eyes.
I forgot that my little man can hear the rustling of a wrapper from a 1000 yards away.

evil (1)(Spawn suddenly bursting into my room) “What was that noise?”

jessica(Looking ashamed, like I’d just been got caught having sex with one of the seven dwarves) “Nothing, I just farted. Go back to bed.”

evil (1)(Spawn sniffing the air like some strange boy/dog beast) “I can smell crisps”. (sniff sniff) “Salt and vinegar flavour”. (sniff sniff) “Made from Jersey Royal potatoes (sniff) and grown on a farm in Yorkshire.” (sniff sniff) “Yep, definitely Jersey Royals, I’d say. Not fried but baked lightly in an oven operated by Irish Leprechauns… Can I have one?”

jessica(Me, like the mature adult that I am) “Hell no pus ball!! Go get your own… oh, no you cant because you’re just a child and I’m the mother and as such, I can do whatever I want.”

evil (1)“I have social services on speed dial you know. Anyway, you’re not even supposed to be eating them. I’m gonna tell.”

jessica(Me displaying wisdom and virtue well beyond my years) “Who are you gonna tell? The big bad doctor man? Now listen, it’s 12:30 and you’ve got school in the morning, so I suggest you take your non crisp eating butt out of my room and back to bed.”

evil (1) “I’m not going till you give me a crisp!!!!”

jessica(Me seeking to diffuse the situation in a most maternal way) “Don’t threaten me womb fruit. Just remember child, that I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”

evil (1) A face eating chimp would be more maternal than you. I hope the fatty tissue builds up around your already huge bum, so that you’ll need scaffolding to keep your knickers up! I hate you!! (Storming out of my room and slamming the door behind him)

jessica “And I love you.” (I uttered as I stared lustfully at the salted goodness nestled seductively in it’s packet)“AND MY BUM IS NOT BIG, I’M JUST BIG BONED GODDAMMIT!!”


*I’m going to tell him that we’re having salad tonight, then take him out back and make him eat grass…little sod.


22 thoughts on “My Heart Is A Fat Bastard.

  1. Our recent conversations on G+ now make a bit more sense and I almost want to apologise for some of the things that may have upset you (and if I find a way of doing so without laughing I will get back to you and this matter), however, Mrs H is also on a diet at the moment and our house if full of celery soup (FFS) red pepper soup (better but still not food) and crispbreads as far as the eye can see.
    Even the dog is on special food… nobody escapes in our house.

    I have a secret stash of pies at the back of the freezer and two tins of spam hidden in a special place.

    So you are not the only one suffering at the hands of gluttony and having to suffer the consequences of one (or three) extra packets of crisps…. Like the man says “We’re all in this together”…. the fat pig!


    • Mr H, you have made ‘almost’ apologizing an art form.

      At the moment, Spawn and I are like feral animals. The joy when he found half a stick of Kit Kat underneath his mattress, was soon marred when I tackled him to the ground and tried to physically wrestle it out of his tight grip. Since then, he has hidden said piece of Kit Kat, for when, in his words, “the situation becomes life threatening.” Meanwhile, the banana that I hold in my hand instead of a bar of chocolate, has been subjected to the worst verbal abuse known to man, women and children alike. I am not formulating a plan that will see the demise of my doctor and all health care professionals.


    • Frank, they really just don’t get it. What happened to listen to the concerns of the patient? Usually I love my doctor. He’s like Doctor Hibbert from the Simpson and finds EVERYTHING humourous. He can deliver the news that you have a flesh eating parasite gnawing away at your brain, and that you have 2 weeks to live, whilst ‘hee hee heeing’ with glee all the while. But after eating what tastes like shoe insoles today, his death seems imminent.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lily, I’d be blue too on that plan (won’t use the evil word!), I feel your pain!! No chocolate, not even low fat chocolate? (I mean, low fat chocolate must exist somewhere in the universe.) Really much too painful!! But fatty tissue buildup around your heart is a definite concern so healthy eating it is ‘cause I adore you and I want you to be healthy and keep writing!! Spawn really must be like a police tracker dog the way he sniffed out your crisps. (About looking ashamed “like I’d just been got caught having sex with one of the seven dwarves.” Uh, which dwarf would that be? LOL!)

    Are nuts allowed on the evil di** I mean plan? Almonds, pistachios and walnuts are good nuts for the heart and lowering cholesterol. When my cholesterol was going up, I began eating roasted, unsalted almonds every day and unsweetened almond milk in my coffee, it really helped (at last checkup, my cholesterol was lower and I told the doc it was all the almonds I eat. He laughed but I think I’m onto something!) Oh, but that you have to give up all the goodies at once just seems so wrong, I feel your pain!!


    • Madilyn, the thing is that I’m a vegetarian, so I cook really healthy meals. BUT, I’m also an insomniac and that’s when all the bad foods come out to play. If I’m sleeping, then I ain’t eating…except I’m not sleeping.

      Last week, I bought every nut that I could lay my hands on, (there’s a joke in there somewhere) except it took me about 2 days to eat the lot. Lord I do love me some nuts…ahem…
      I’m tempted to buy the Almond milk, but it seems wrong somehow. I just keep imagining lactating almonds!
      As for which dwarf I was caught with, it was Grumpy…although by the time I’d finished with him, he was Happy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lily, so you’re a nut lover too (oh yes, so many jokes in there LOL)! Do try the almond milk. That you were already eating healthy as a vegetarian makes it even more unfair! I’m an insomniac too, always have been, and I sure know what you mean about late night munchies. And now I know why Grumpy had a big smile on his face!


        • Madilyn, there’s nothing quite like a mouthful of nuts…

          I will try the almond milk. I mentioned it to Spawn and it’s the only time that he’s been thankful that he has a nut allergy.

          Ahh, so you know the perils of the late night munchies. Insomnia and diets (filthy word…like ‘moist’) do NOT go hand in hand, but I’m going to swap my late night cookie/chocolate/crisp snack for some healthy fruits instead. (wipes away tear as I mourn for the loss of said snacks)

          That Snow White knew what she was doing, moving in with those men of miniature stature…hussy…


  3. I’m afraid bananas are fattening in fact they might be worse that chocolate as long as the chocolate is the real stuff with at least 70% cocoa in it. So I reckon that every time you think O ******* time for a banana again, eat half a bar of chocolate although not fry’s chocolate creams (I rather like them).

    I would be inclined to let the Lil man eat some real food maybe a nice bacon butty and chips, then his smiling face will cheer you up as you think time for another banana (chocolate).

    Ooooooo and best to look after that heart, they are one of the bits we need to keep the rest of us moving about.


    • Apologies for taking so long to reply Mr Z. It seems that lack of nicotine plus chocolate covered foods, have addled my brains for I forgot my own WordPress password and couldn’t log on.

      Ooh, I do love a fry’s chocolate cream, but unfortunately, dark chocolate gives me a terrible migraine. I also love bananas but I’m aware that they are not the healthiest of fruits. They should actually be reclassified as junk food. Seriously, it’s all getting a bit confusing. Bananas are fruit but not necessarily healthy, whereas tomatoes are not vegetables but fruit! What manner of heathenism is that all about?? The world has gone mad I tell ye!

      As for the Lil man, he suffers from a condition called Haemolytic Anaemia, so he has no choice but to join me in the torture that is healthy eating, which basically amounts to two bits of cardboard with low fat cheese in between. *sigh*


  4. And so the fun begins. You know, when every visit to the doctor means one more yummy thing removed from your diet. Just wait… before ya know it, the doc will be prefacing everything he says to you with, “You’re of the age now…” (sigh) I know. It happened to me some years ago, and it hasn’t stopped. However, my attitude has changed. I take all those pills and drops and crap the doctors prescribe, but if I reeeeeally want a candy bar, dammit, I eat one.

    But you? Take care of yourself, okay? If ya don’t Spawn will have to take care of you… isn’t THAT a sobering thought? (Can you say payback time…?)


    • Hahaha! Susan, my mum says the same about her doctor prefacing every sentence with, “you’re at the age now…” She says that he makes her feel so old, that every time she walks through the door, she expects to see the Grim Reaper sitting behind the desk with a stethoscope around his neck.

      Willpower is my problem. I have it, but I choose to ignore it. If my mama feels like chocolate, she’ll have one piece and feel satisfied. If I feel like chocolate, I break into the Cadbury headquarters.

      And you’re absolutely right, I need to take care of myself for Spawn. Although he has already assured me, that should I die, he knows my bank card details and how to forge my signature. I feel so loved…


  5. Well at least you went to the doctor. I hope it went well. Ok the new diet change thing i snot necessarily that it went well, i can understand that. But no crisps and no chocolates? That would actually make me incredibly sad.

    Good thing in my home the only one on a diet is my cat and I have some chocolate thingies to spare. But i forget to eat them very often.

    I’ll eat one in your name, how’s that? 😛


    • PorkStar, it’s nice of you to still take the time out to leave a comment, despite being on a ‘Lily hiatus.’

      The heart thing was a while ago, but I did FINALLY see the doctor on Monday. What a happy experience that was. Note my usual sarcasm there?
      Wait a minute! You have chocolate in your house but forget to eat it?! What kind of a monster are you??!!


  6. One of my best friends was battling low cholesterol for years. Then he went on the Atkins diet. He somehow managed to get his cholesterol back down to near perfect levels by eating nothing but bacon and mayonnaise.

    I don’t like sweets much, or bread or pasta or anything similar. My fav foods are and have always been dead animals. I have had low cholesterol my whole life. Actually come to think of it, most of the women in my family have similar diets to mine and low cholesterol…….

    THE POINT I think is that bacon is the answer.

    Good luck with your diet. ❤


    • MIIIIIIIICCCCHHHHH! Hey there. I’m so glad that you dropped by, because I have been banned from reading your blog! My internet provider, the skanky T-mobile, has taken it upon themselves to add an adult content lock onto certain blogs. I can’t even get to one of my own. Everytime I ask them to remove it, they swear that they have and yet still, there are a dozen blogs that I cant access and one of them is yours. It truly is a pisser.

      As for the diet, meh, I finished with that ages ago.


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