50 Shades Of ‘What The Hell?’ Second and final part.

 When it comes to my baby sister and the subject of sex, it would appear that ‘the lights are on but there’s no-one at home’. In other words, she hasn’t a clue. This is partly my fault. Having had a hand in raising her and not wanting to corrupt her with my heathen thoughts on coitus, we never did have ‘The Talk.’ Maybe if we did, then the following  phone conversation, courtesy of the ’50 Shades’ phenomenon, would not have taken place.


“Ooh, it’s all a bit intense. I’m not even sure what half the stuff in the book means.”

“Well let me see if I can help you. What is it that you don’t understand exactly?”

nun“Well what exactly is meant by the term ‘vanilla sex?’ I’ve never heard of it.”

“Basically Vanilla sex is just your everyday type of fornication as opposed to the more kinkier stuff. You know, like your missionary positions, your 69s, that kinda thing”.

“Oh okay, that would make more sense. I thought it was something to do with sex with ice cream”.

jess“Wha…? ho…? wh…? How the fecking fuck do you have sex with ice-cream?!”

nun“I don’t know, (sounds all indignant) that’s why I’m asking you. And by the way, you’re suppose to use the word ‘feck’ instead of an expletive, not alongside one”.

jess“Who the hell cares? Jeez sis, I’m pretty sure that I’ve not heard of anyone being sexed up by a tub of Ben and Jerry’s vanilla Caramel Fudge!”

“I just thought…”

You have heard of sex haven’t you? It’s where the man puts his twig like stick into the woman’s heart shaped hole”.


“Never mind”.

“I did try and read that book the ‘karma Satsuma’ once but again, it was all a bit too much.”




“The book, it’s called the ‘Kama Sutra’, not the Karma Satsuma.”

“No, a suture is when you go to hospital to get stitches”? (stops and thinks for a while) “OH MY GOD!! WHAT SEXUAL POSITION IS THAT WHERE YOU WOULD NEED TO GO TO HOSPITAL AND GET STITCHES AFTERWARDS??!!”

“This reminds me of the time I asked Spawn if he knew where babies came from and he said China.”

“Aww, that’s so cute. But everyone knows that babies come from seeds…watermelon seeds.”

“I actually felt myself dying a little inside, because suddenly, I’ve lost the will to live.”

And so the conversation went on, until we got to the part about nipple clamps and fisting. It was when I could hear the audible sound of baby sis’s body hitting the floor as she fainted in shock, that I decided to discontinue the conversation.

Later on that same day…

“Oh, how’d it go?” (Here, I give big sis a brief outline of our talk) “She has heard of sex before hasn’t she? It’s where the man puts his stick like twig…”

“Yeah, I told her all that already. What’s that screaming in the background?”

“Oh it’s just my new victim…er I meant boyfriend. Don’t worry, he should quieten down once the sedative kicks in”.

By the way, there is a fourth sister…

But we don’t talk about her much…

Next week, I recount the tales of my Dominatrix mother and the ‘Over 60s Swingers And Masochists club’.



21 thoughts on “50 Shades Of ‘What The Hell?’ Second and final part.

  1. Bahahaha

    How does your sister even breathe with not a clue of sex in the air? Or sex in the air, period!
    Heart shaped hole? LMFAO… sure is… more like a slit throat. Slit, nonetheless.

    Also I believe the whole thing is called KAMA Sutra, not Karma sutra, last time I authored it, if I’m not mistaken 😛


    • PorkStar, have you tried to breathe with sex in the air? The whiff of fecundity could do with a good dose of Febreze.

      Hey smarty pants, I believe that I wrote ‘Kama’ Sutra and that It was little sis who said ‘Karma,’ so there. *pokes out tongue like a four year old, but quickly goes back and checks just in case*

      She may not know a lot about coitus, but who’s the one that’s happily married with two kids? I’ll give you a clue…it’s not me. And who’s the one that can’t get a man even with her vast knowledge of sexual matters and a cupboard full of chloroform? That would be me.

      By the way, ‘authoured’ is not the same as ‘bought.’ 😛


      • Oh there’s nothing like a thick, foggy layer of smut in the air…. not sure about the whiff of fecundity but lots of butt sweat ones for real.

        Oh now you fixed it, ahaha… i knew it was there! I even took a pic of the KARMA in case you pulled a fast one of me… ha!

        Yup, I guess those married happy ones are getting more action than those of us who write about getting some in the blog. Go figure. 😦

        “Authoured” my ass! I’m talking/writing US English with a thick Latin accent and you should know, by the way, latinos wrote that damn book, with salsa picante as ink. 😛


        • If you took a picture of a word posted on a blog, then you’ve got more problems than I thought. Seriously, you have FAR too much time on your hands. I need photographic proof, otherwise, you sir, are a liar liar, pants on fire.

          As for the smell of butt sweat permeating the air, if you’re experiencing a thick foggy layer, then may I suggest that you pay a visit to your doctor.

          I think the original authour of said book would probably disagree that Latinos wrote the book, unless Latinos originally originated in India, where Indians originate from…originally…


  2. Exactly ma’am, that’s where spices come from too, see?
    And don’t you remember them conquistadors believing that part of the caribbean was the route to India…. so there you go, it’s pretty related. It’s all a conspiracy! 😛

    Also me being a grammar nazi and taking a picture of whatever may explain why I’m single too, now that you mention it. 😦


    • Ahh, my little perverted bacon friend, you logic is illogic in it’s logicality.
      I’ve yet to see proof of my gross error and so can only surmise that you are telling porkie pies, (lies) my lil Porky pig. Bring me evidence, and I shall grace you with one of my ‘special’ tales, like in the days of yore.

      Nah, that’s not the only reason why you’re single…:P


  3. LMAO…. i am currently in the process of shifting center of gravity from one ass cheek to the other on my couch and can’t reach the phone at the moment to provide with evidence.
    Then if I do, I’m sure I will get side tracked with the amount of pictures I’ve taken of my cat and appendages. But I’m sure it’s there (TWHS)

    I know, plenty of reasons why I’m single… i know, thanks for reminding me… 😦


    • See, you lie like a rug!

      Oh stop pouting and pull your knickers up! I have turned being single into an art form, but you don’t hear me complaining…okay, maybe I do complain a little via the blog…and emails…also Facebook…whatsapp…carrier pigeon…telekinesis…through the power of hypno…phone calls…Pinterest…by communing with the dead of our ancestors. But apart from that…


    • So do I Mr Z, which would explain why my derriere seems to have widened in size lately. I’ve taken to adding those tinned fruit cocktails to the mix, for a healthier dessert. The man from Del Monte says yes, so I thought I’d give it a go.


  4. Hilarious as ever… my family isn’t much different…

    My daughter was laughing over a picture on Twitter… bumper sticker on a car “Go paddling this weekend”. I looked at it and said – “Canoeing, kayaking?” Why is that funny?

    “Dad no… paddling… you know?” *Blank stare* “BDSM?” “Who?” “Paddling, you know smacking with a small wooden paddle”. She’d 19 I’m 52 it’s like I’m an alien in a new planet – the 50 shades planet…


    • Furtheron, there’s a kink for EVERYTHING. I bet somewhere out there, someone is getting their rocks off by stroking the grain from a canoe or a kayak.

      Ooh, an alien 50 Shades planet. I wonder how many shades of grey are the Greys?

      Liked by 1 person

  5. “Sex with ice cream” reminded me of a time a lady friend tried to spice things up with pudding fresh from the fridge. It was like a concentrated cold shower. Rather than being at all sexy, we just ruined some perfectly good pudding.


    • Frank, I remember getting a bit playful with some rope and a tub of Baileys Haagen Dazs. 30 minutes later, I had my ex still tied to the bed and me passed out from ice-cream overload…good times…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. No one ever had The Talk with me when I was a kid, so I was determined to teach our kids the “right way.” If they had a question about sex, any question at all… my husband and I always answered them honestly. Our kids knew the proper anatomical names for body parts at a very early age… which they, of course, loved to say out loud whenever possible… especially at church. Was it embarrassing at times? Um, yeah… especially when our son asked me what a “French tickler” was. (Come to think of it, I wonder where in the hell a nine-year-old came across THAT term?) Anyhow, our campaign to teach them must have been a success… we now have THIRTEEN grandchildren.

    Fun post. Oh, and don’t knock ice cream ’til ya try it. (Just kidding… maybe.)


    • Susan, the talk I had with Spawn, only resulted in having a child who is now terrified of coitus…and eggs…and women…wait! Your son knew what a French Tickler was at 9!? At 19 I was still under the impression that it was a feather duster used by french maids!


  7. LMAO what a conversation!! Priceless, really. Oh, your baby sis is such an innocent. So what kind of karma is karma satsuma…hmm, perhaps instant gratification karma LOL! Babies from watermelon seeds? Now I know why I didn’t get to have kids, I never ate those damned seeds! My favorite is sex with ice cream…ha ha…as long as it’s vanilla caramel fudge, must have chocolate LOL!! So I can only say…watch out for sex with ice cream causing such karma you need to go to the hospital and get stitches LOL! OMG, this post had me in stitches and not the kind you get from sex LOL!! Lily, I love your posts, they liven up my day!


    • Thanks Madilyn. I thought I’d scarred Lil sis for life by the end of our conversation. But then this is the woman who got extremely upset when she discovered that Santa didn’t actually exist…when she was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD!!
      As for watermelon seeds, I spent all my time avoiding those pesky apple seeds because I didn’t want an apple tree to grow in my intestines. Turns out that I’ve been avoiding the wrong kinda seed.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m going leave a one word comment for this post, but I shall say which part of the post it is in reference to……

    The one word is:


    I’m jet lagged and sorry (I’m not sorry).


    • Mr H, how dare you go away without informing me first. (probably helps if I went on Google plus once in a while) I thought Mrs H had gotten a touch of the 50 Shades and that you’d been hogtied and then violated with a riding crop and so unable to get to the computer.

      I’m more than jealous that you got to go to Mexico, but damn, that 6 hour delay you can keep.
      Welcome back! You have been missed.


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