Unless you’ve been living in a yurt at the back end of beyond and making sweet sweet love by the fireside to a circus midget named Guido, then you cannot possibly failed to have noticed the recent ’50 shades of Grey’ phenomena.
This is a trio of books so badly written, that they could well have been penned by my three year old nephew…if my three year old nephew had an extensive knowledge on how to write a poorly scripted ABC of BDSM…which he doesn’t… just in case you were wondering.
Anyhoo, it would appear that the more than abundant scenes of sexual gratification featured among the pages of these novels, (huh!) apparently has everyone all a quiver with it’s folio of ‘debauchery.’
Whilst teaching at the local primary school some years back, I was approached in the playground by an urchin who announced quite proudly, “Miss Jo, I know how babies are made.” With a look which said ‘the only reason I’m talking to you child, is because I get paid,’ I issued forth a disinterested “oh” to which she preceded to tell me that babies are made when, “the man puts his twig like stick into the woman’s heart shaped hole”. Of course I laughed hysterically in her face, plus little Miss Know-it-all forgot to mention the part about a minute and a half worth of pleasure, followed by a life-time of pain and regret. Where am I going with this? Hell if I know but that description that she gave, was mildly more titillating then the written sex scenes courtesy of the authour E.L James.
But this post isn’t about that book but rather the conversation that this book generated recently between my younger sister and I. My older sister, (yep, there are four of us. Frightening isn’t it?) the one that’s the size an Oompa Loompa but smaller, seriously you could fit her in your pocket, is as much a sexual deviant as I am, or as I would be if I was indeed having coitus. *The pictures of Betty Boop and Jessica Rabbit, are to denote our wanton and ho-bag-like statuses*.
“All those people complaining about the explicit sex in the book, need to get out more.”
“I know sis, Guido and I did much worse after he spent a long hard day getting fired out of a cannon, before wrestling naked with clowns, whilst covered with whipped cream. Speaking of which, what happened to that last guy you were seeing?”
“Oh him. Well after he managed to bite through his restraints, the silly man took himself and his flagellated body off to the police station to report me. Can you believe the nerve?”
“Wow what happened?”
“Nothing, he couldn’t prove a damn thing. It was quite fortunate that he had been missing for a few days, because by then, the Rohypnol had already had time to leave his system, so he had no concrete evidence. “.
“Or as I like to say, there’s plenty more drugged bodies in the cellar”.
*A sneak preview of the next and hopefully the last chapter…becacause I’m bored with this already…*
“Ooh, it’s all a bit intense. I’m not even sure what half the stuff in the book means.”