50 Shades of ‘What The Hell?’ Part One

Unless you’ve been living in a yurt at the back end of beyond and making sweet sweet love by the fireside to a circus midget named Guido, then you cannot possibly failed to have noticed the recent ’50 shades of Grey’ phenomena.

This is a trio of books so badly written, that they could well have been penned by my three year old nephew…if my three year old nephew had an extensive knowledge on how to write a poorly scripted ABC of BDSM…which he doesn’t… just in case you were wondering.

Anyhoo, it would appear that the more than abundant scenes of sexual gratification featured among the pages of these novels, (huh!) apparently has everyone all a quiver with it’s folio of ‘debauchery.’

Whilst teaching at the local primary school some years back, I was approached in the playground by an urchin who announced quite proudly, “Miss Jo, I know how babies are made.” With a look which said ‘the only reason I’m talking to you child, is because I get paid,’ I issued forth a disinterested “oh” to which she preceded to tell me that babies are made when, “the man puts his twig like stick into the woman’s heart shaped hole”. Of course I laughed hysterically in her face, plus little Miss Know-it-all forgot to mention the part about a minute and a half worth of pleasure, followed by a life-time of pain and regret. Where am I going with this? Hell if I know but that description that she gave, was mildly more titillating then the written sex scenes courtesy of the authour E.L James.

But this post isn’t about that book but rather the conversation that this book generated recently between my younger sister and I. My older sister, (yep, there are four of us. Frightening isn’t it?) the one that’s the size an Oompa Loompa but smaller, seriously you could fit her in your pocket, is as much a sexual deviant as I am, or as I would be if I was indeed having coitus. *The pictures of Betty Boop and Jessica Rabbit, are to denote our wanton and ho-bag-like statuses*.

 betty

“All those people complaining about the explicit sex in the book, need to get out more.”

“I know sis, Guido and I did much worse after he spent a long hard day getting fired out of a cannon, before wrestling naked with clowns, whilst covered with whipped cream. Speaking of which, what happened to that last guy you were seeing?”

“Oh him. Well after he managed to bite through his restraints, the silly man took himself and his flagellated body off to the police station to report me. Can you believe the nerve?”

“Wow what happened?”

“Nothing, he couldn’t prove a damn thing. It was quite fortunate that he had been missing for a few days, because by then, the Rohypnol had already had time to leave his system, so he had no concrete evidence. “.

“Well you know what they say, there’s plenty more fish in the sea”.

“Or as I like to say, there’s plenty more drugged bodies in the cellar”.

 Too which we both laughed gaily and with much merriment. Now compare that with the conversation between myself and my baby sister, who although at twenty-three and in a full time relationship, makes Mother Theresa look like serial killer Rose West. Seriously you’d think this girl had never even heard of the word sex. This is a woman that up until the age of 16, still believed that Father Christmas existed. And even when I suggested one year that maybe Santa would like a glass of Courvoisier and a 20 pack of Marlboro lights instead of the customary mince pies and glass of milk, the silly tart still didn’t twig that It was me who had been the one bearing gifts for most of her childhood.
nun

*A sneak preview of the next and hopefully the last chapter…becacause I’m bored with this already…*

“Ooh, it’s all a bit intense. I’m not even sure what half the stuff in the book means.”

~Lily

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33 thoughts on “50 Shades of ‘What The Hell?’ Part One

  1. Mrs H is reading this as we speak! (your blog not that bloody book!)

    She has also let slip that she is going to watch the film at the weekend with her friend.

    I’m not sure what to expect when she get home afterwards. Should I leave some deep heat by the bedside table next or just make sure that my long johns are double knotted if she decides to get a bit “handsy”….

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    • Hahaha! Mr H, if you’re wearing long johns to begin with, I’m pretty sure that handcuffing you to the bedposts, will be the last thing on Mrs H’s mind. In fact, she’ll probably get more excitement from ‘whipping’ up the froth on a cup of cappuccino, or from ‘beating’ some eggs for tomorrow’s omelette, so there is no need for fear.
      As for the deep heat, I’d probably hide that if I were you. If Mrs H were feeling a little on the passionate side and you were to refuse her womanly manhandling of you from your long johns, the deep heat could be used on certain parts in some kind of retribution attack…just a warning…cos I’d totally do that shit.

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  2. I’ve heard about how completely lame the movie is too. It’s hilarious that there was such an uproar about all the sex in the book, and now another uproar about how there isn’t enough in the movie. The public seriously needs to get it’s S&M priorities straight.

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    • Linda, any book where the female protagonist repeatedly refers to her Lady Garden as ‘down there,’ has no right in coming under the banner of erotica, let alone BDSM. It’s more m&m than S&M and I’m not talking the peanut m&ms either…not quite sure where I’m going with the peanut reference…

      I’ve heard that there’s about 20 minutes worth of sex in the film, which let’s face it, is 15 more minutes than most have us have had. But you’re right and if the public think that’s what S&M is all about, then I weep for my leather studded conical bra and leather chaps…

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  3. I am more closer to fifteen shade of beige than fifty shades of grey. (That is n’t true, it is more likely pink than beige but promise not to teLL anyone. Promise? It’ll be our lil’ secret.) That reminds me that last night I a strange occurance of ‘ll hooked onto another word that seemed like a strange contraction but then I realized, No, these (actors portraying) people are from Kentucky.

    I am having a delightful time studying genetics and you may have heard that it snowed a bunch in Boston, but that was the city in Massachusetts, not me. I am okay and fairly waRm. Cooper has been sick and so I stayed home most of the day.

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    • *speaks in a whisper* Don’t worry Mr E, I promise I won’t tell anyone about you being more 50 Shades of pink, rather than beige…especially as I have no idea what you’re talking about…

      50 Shades of grey is why I avoid buying white underwear…just saying.

      I’m very happy to hear that it didn’t snow on or in Boston as I’d imagine that would be most uncomfortable…and a little frightening. Aww, poor Cooper. I do hope he gets better soon.

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        • Poor Cooper. I always hated it when our dog was sick because I never knew what the cause was. In the end I would just lock him up in a deep dark cellar so that I wouldn’t have to look at his poor face and hear his helpless whimpering…of course, all that is an absolute lie and I really need to stop with this exaggeration malarkey before it gets me into real trouble.

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  4. What do you mean Santa does not exist, O yes he does.

    As for the book and the film quite frankly if folk really want to watch something a bit dodgy there must be a huge list of porn films available to suit all tastes including caramel or sherbet. I think the real trick of the book/film is middle America gets to read/watch it because it is not classed as porn. . . probably because of the bad writing and without reading or watching I also suspect maybe a lack of imagination.

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    • No Mr Z, you’re getting him confused with SATAN. Don’t worry, it’s an easy mistake to make.

      I agree with you on all counts, regarding 50 Shades. For those who genuinely loved it, I can see why and there’s nothing wrong with reading a book that doesn’t engage the brain. It’s trash, but it’s good and harmless trash. The harm comes in the way it’s marketed, it’s not (mummy porn or otherwise) and the backlash that it’s caused for the BDSM Community, because it certainly isn’t that either. It’s success lies with the Christian Grey character and that fact that the heroine is so non descript, any woman can visualise and place herself in Ana’s role. In other words, in actively allows the woman to be part of the story, well that’s my interpretation of it.

      Damn it Mr Z, it’s not often that I get serious, but about once a year, you manage to coax it out of me. 🙂

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  5. OMG, Lily, great post and I LOVE the title of this post!! That was exactly my thought when the poorly written and utterly stupid book came out and then the movie. One of my sisters bought the book, read two chapters and said its trash and not even readable trash!! Personally, I’d rather have a root canal than read it. (Wait, make that a root canal with a hunky dentist LOL!) Making love to “a circus midget named Guido” sounds more inviting than being with that controlling stalker Mr. Grey who from what I’ve heard won’t take “no” for an answer when Ana protests. I’ve also heard that women who are victims of domestic abuse do not like the Grey character feeling that it gives controlling and abusive men an excuse. It’s a sobering thought and one I think to be considered. I won’t give one cent of my $$ to buying the book or watching the movie. However to each his/her own and I’m a firm believer in live and let live. It’s soft porn (and not even good soft porn!) but if that is someone’s thing, fine, I could give two hoots. I enjoy…OK used to before I was married (sigh!)…experimenting and making sex fun but this book/movie are just “Fifty Shades of What the Hell?!”

    Lily, I have three sisters too! I’m the oldest. Great conversation with your Betty Boop sister…”there’s plenty more drugged bodies in the cellar,” LOL!! My third sister (the one who attempted to read the book) and I were quite wild in our younger days. Damn, I miss those days!! But if I could do it again, it’d be with a long-haired musician who plays Led Zeppelin and has a body for sin or a hunky surfer dude for just plain debauchery fun (guys I actually once knew). Not a Mr. Grey who’d be “Mr. Grey No Way,” or “This Guy? You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!” in my book. btw, just love the image of Betty Boop and Jessica Rabbit, sexy women characters who know what they want.

    You make such great points, Lily, and jeez, I had a lot to say here LOL! I’ve read a couple blog posts about how dumb this book and movie are but yours is the best and funniest!! Oh, and I have a sister (my second sister) who almost did become a nun. Even now she gets on my case for calling the “rapture” (last days when good souls are suddenly taken up to heaven leaving the rest of us sinners behind) the “zap theory” LOL! Looking forward to part two.

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    • *gets down on knees and bows to the Goddess JerseyLil.* My Lord Madilyn, I don’t know whether to be shocked or start worshipping you! Never would I have pegged you for the wild type in your younger days. I am now in awe of your former debauched years. You seriously rock lady!

      I did read all three books, but in my defence, I was in bed ill at the time. I think the appeal of Christian Grey, is that he’s a bad boy that needs fixing, and you know how women are when it comes to bad boys. He is extremely controlling and a bit rapey in his stalking, but it’s a relationship (wildly flawed and completely messed up) based on mutual consent. In reality, I would be obtaining a restraining order, but Ana (the wimpy sad sap) enjoys his particular brand of craziness. The abuse claims come from those that see BDSM as mind control and abusive, and all I can say to that, is people need to do some research before they come to this conclusion. In that respects, the authour has done a great disservice to the BDSM community and I can see why many would come to that opinion. As for being porn, I’ve watched episodes of Sesame Street that was more exciting. Apparently on it’s cinema release, Police were on high alert in anticipation of 50 Shades related mishaps. Ladies, for goodness sake, go and buy a sex manual!!!!

      Thank you for your comments Madilyn. 🙂 I’m off to erect a statue in your honour.

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      • Wow, Lily you made my day, thank you! 🙂 Yes, I’m a former wild child from the “peace, love and rock ‘n roll” generation LOL! That and…do you have jokes there in the UK the way we do in the US about Catholic school girls, basically they look so demure but watch out?…well, that too! LOL! I guess I’m relatively tame on my blog and on Facebook (lots of relatives there) so unless people knew me from those days, they’d likely be surprised. That I’m not the obviously wild type had its advantages.

        If I wasn’t currently married (not the best of situations, big sigh!! but that’s a whole other story I can’t write about) I could write more on my blog about stuff from my younger days (oh and I’ve got stories) but alas, I must be mindful that I am a married woman and my husband and relatives sometimes look at my blog. But here on your blog I had the chance to just let loose a bit and reveal a bit about myself. Well, I didn’t plan it or mean to shock but having the chance to just write that was rather fun!

        Thanks for explaining about the books. I really hadn’t read any of them and now I understand it better. My info came mainly from comments I read and what I had heard. The bad boy needing fixing can definitely be appealing. Too bad Grey came across as so rapey and that Ana came across as such a wimpy sad sack. I wonder if that was even the author’s intent. Could be that better writing and a plot might have presented the whole affair differently. Just a thought. When I heard about police on high alert on the movie’s release, I just laughed out loud!! “Ladies, for goodness sake, go and buy a sex manual!!!” Exactly! 🙂

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        • Haha! Madilyn, we Catholic girls are the worse. Even now, I can’t walk into a church without the priest burning incense, sprinkling me with holy water, chanting the Lord’s Prayer and trying to perform an exorcist.

          Feel free to release your inner ‘Jezebel’ on these pages. Better still, join me on the Mater and the Spawn Facebook page, and we can both be debauched together.

          I don’t know what the authour’s intent was. From what I heard, 50 Shades started of as erotic fanfic about Bella and Edward from Twilight and she just changed the names. Says a lot about her lack of imagination really, but hey, she’s a millionaire and attending premieres, so I’m sure she’s not bothered about the bad press…which also says a lot about her integrity as a writer.

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  6. I haven’t read any of these books, but not because of the allegations that it’s porn. It’s because I heard the writing in them is God-awful. I figure there are plenty of good books I haven’t read yet; why waste time reading something that sucks. But, my hubby and I were thinking about going to the movies to see it. (You know, on senior discount day… ) But the review in the newspaper said the movie pretty well sucks, too. However, the reviewer did excuse the screenwriter … said he did the best he could, considering “the lousy book he had to work with.” Makes me wonder why so many millions of people all over the world have gone bonkers over it. (And why the hell they didn’t go bonkers over MY book instead… HA!)

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    • Susan, ‘god awful’ would be an understatement. And that’s the great shame about 50 Shades, in the hands of a decent authour, that book would have been a thousand times better. I’m guessing that the appeal was that a lot of people’s sex lives led little to the imagination and the (mild) kinkery in 50 Shades, sparked off something.

      The only reason my friends and I are going to see the movie, is because…well…we have no lives. And besides, who doesn’t enjoy throwing popcorn at the screen? I mean, that’s like an Olympic sport in itself.

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      • My hubby and I went to see it last Tuesday. You know, senior discount day. HA! We put on out dark glasses and fake noses and went right on in.

        Seriously, I didn’t think it was all that bad. It wasn’t the best movie we’ve ever seen, but it wasn’t the worst, either. The actor playing Christian kinda creeped me out, though, because he has crazy eyes. It sucked that the ending wasn’t much of an ending. I guess that means they’re gonna make a couple more movies to follow the trilogy. (Or worse, like they did with “The Hunger Games”… turn three books into FOUR movies…)

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        • Hi Susan, I just saw your comment. I thought that you were gonna say how after seeing the movie, Smarticus had you swinging from the chandeliers! Apparently my big sis fell asleep through the film, but her idea of a sexy night includes a midget, tub of vaseline and the cast of Thor.

          Unfortunately, it looks like there’s two more offerings in the pipeline. Time to secure that chandelier to the ceiling…

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  7. I did try to read 50 shades on the basis that everyone was on about it.

    Rubbish- so badly written. There must be more than two metaphors for a woman’s orgasm… surely…

    also I don’t get that whole dom/sub thing – what the heck is that all about? Other than Mr Grey who “doesn’t make love but f***s hard”… I’ve only ever made love to a woman I care about

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    • furtheron, how dare you! 50 Shades is a book of literary genius, that pushes the boundaries on the perceived notion that such activity, is not just a rudimentary act of nature, but that it is a game of give and take whereby…oh sorry…that was Spot the dog goes bowling…damn, I’m always getting those two books mixed up!

      It would take FAR too long to explain the sub/dom thing, because it comes under many umbrellas and Mr Grey doesn’t come under any of those. I think instead, we all need to look closely in the mind of the authour…dirty wench! Kudos to you for reading it though. As a man, you have my greatest respect…that’s you as a man reading it, not me as a man giving you kudos…not that I’m a man, I meant…I mean, yes, I do have somewhat of a beard, but that’s hormones more than anything…and the chest hairs…I probably should just shut up now…ahem…

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  8. The whole phenomena thing with that book and the movie is exactly that. A fucking phenomena because it’s totally unnatural for normal people to appreciate the kind of stupid crap I’ve heard this book is.

    As much as I may be a tiny bit deviant (not like you’d know or heard), what I’ve heard and read of this book doesn’t fill me with enough interest to read it. I’ve read better written stuff in blogs. Also your imagination is much better than what’s written in that book.

    Im just guessing.

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    • PorkStar, insulting the millions that enjoy this phenomena is uncalled for. There is no need for name calling, you big girlie man-boy.

      But that’s just it, it is the ‘normal’ folk who are reading and appreciating this is their droves. I’ve done worse things standing in the checkout at Tesco but think about those who nights of illicitness, usually revolves around a cup of tea and that eating three custard creams instead of two, is seen as debauchery at it’s highest.

      Pah, you a ‘tiny bit deviant’, is like saying the Statue Of Liberty, is a tiny bit big. And as to that last statement, I have no idea what you mean…ahem…kindly remove herself from my blog. We’ll have no trouble here…

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  9. Ugh, that book AND that movie.. And they couldn’t even put anybody in the movie worth watching.. I thought Jax from “Sons Of Anarchy” was tapped for that part and I was going to see it just because of him but the guy that’s in it? No thanks, and that actress, Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s kid.. I just can’t even look at her. She such a mix mash of Don and Mel than her face just separates when I even peek in her direction.. Don Johnson’s mouth, Mel’s eyes.. It all just makes my head hurt. On the plus side, we can all write shitty novels and get movie deals! 😀

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    • Mimi, it was originally meant to be Charlie Hunnam in the role, but he pulled out before filming…wise man.

      Hahaha! That comment about Ms Johnson is funny. For me, she always looks like she needs a goodnight’s sleep. I mean, what’s with the bags under the eyes? I suppose it must be tiring being suspended from the ceiling and being whipped all day. Poor thing needs a good cup of tea and a couple of Nytols.

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  10. I just couldn’t bring myself to read the books. I heard how great they were and a part of thought, what if I read it and it sucks. Does that mean I have poor taste? Now, Sleeping Beauty by Anne Rice – that was an interesting take on things.

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    • Elsie, there were some good parts in the book and even a few humorous bits, but they were overshadowed by the bad writing.

      Hella yeah! Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty had my jaw hitting the floor! I mean I’m not adverse to a bit of erotic fiction but daaaayum! I had to book a few sessions with my therapist after reading that book.

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  11. What the hell, indeed!!!!!??? I decided to hunt your blog down to see if you’d been seen and BOOM, you’ve been posting and facebook is hiding it from me…dammit! Fifty shades of sadness!!!! ell I am here now for sexy talk time apparently…hahahaha!!!

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  12. OMG… are you in my head.. I was just thinking the same thing when I was reading the book and did the stupid thing of paying money to go and see this shitty movie when I should have actually just paid money to watch paint dry. Love love love your blog..

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    • missbelladonnabelle, I was all set to go and see the film, but after my big sis gave it a thumbs down, I decided to wait until it comes out on DVD…A DVD bought by someone else, using someone else’s money, so that I can then borrow said DVD and hand it back, lest I become contaminated by it’s unoriginal nature.

      It’s a love fest, because I absolutely adore your blog.

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